Cutting Your Losses in Fantasy Baseball

Since I spend an unhealthy amount of time following sports, I am pretty good when it comes to fantasy sports. I have won far more than I have lost, and that makes me happy. I wouldn't call myself an expert, but that's because I don't really believe in fantasy experts. It always takes some luck. But it also takes the ability to understand weaknesses. And not just others, but your own. I have learned that one of my biggest weaknesses is cutting my losses.

If I invest in a guy, I don't give a shit how bad of a season he is having, I put stake in him, and I fully assume that he will bounce back from whatever season long slump he has been in. I know it's stupid, but I can't even control myself in the moment. These are players that I am sticking by and are probably going to be my downfall in this fantasy baseball season.

Round 3 - Carlos Gomez

I'm not sure if I have ever felt worse about a draft pick as I was making it than I did when drafting Carlos Gomez. Max Scherzer got taken one pick before him, and I was down to Carlos Gomez and George Springer for the pick. I don't know why I didn't consider Buster Posey; it was just poor preparation, and I picked the wrong guy. But Carlos Gomez is still on my team, still starting for the most part, and still sucking ass. But maybe he'll turn the clock back a couple years for the final few months. That won't happen, but I still don't have the testicular fortitude to just cut his ass.

Round 6 - Jason Heyward

I didn't feel great about this one either, but Strasburg got taken one pick before him which really messed up my plans. I'm pretty sure he had more home runs in Spring Training than he has had in the regular season. If only there were years and years and years of evidence that Spring Training stats don't matter. Welp, couldn't have seen this coming. At least he has 8 stolen bases, so if he picks up the home run pace, he might become a 10-10 guy this season.

Round 11 - Michael Wacha

I keep thinking he's going to get to peak version of Michael Wacha, but that guy appears to be gone. He's just fine enough that I will never take the chance to upgrade from him.

Round 14 - Brett Lawrie

This is actually the guy who helped me write this. Lawrie has been a totally average player this year. He's not really good in any way, and he's definitely a guy you'd want to upgrade, but he wasn't so bad that I ever needed to upgrade. But as luck would have it, he got hurt. And it was right after Trea Turner started getting regular playing time for Nationals. My team had a desperate need for speed, so Turner is likely going to keep his spot, and Lawrie's gone when I need to free up a spot on my disabled list. I would have never just picked up Trea Turner, but sometimes luck is just as important as being good.

Trade - Ben Revere

I can't end on a high note. I traded for Ben Revere a couple months ago, thinking he'd turn it around. I traded a pitcher who I thought would start to go downhill. That pitcher was Aaron Sanchez who continues to dominate. Ben Revere has gotten better, but he's only a part-time player at this point, and I still hold onto him. It still sounds like Sanchez won't be a starter late in the season, so maybe it won't turn out so bad for me, but yeah, this is bad, and I will continue to only see the positive in Revere. 

I'm a stupid person. I guess the real key to fantasy is playing with people more stupid than you. That's my true key to success.

I Fully Blame Jonathan Papelbon for My Fantasy Baseball Loss

Jonathan Papelbon is such a piece of shit. When he went after Bryce Harper, he didn't just go after his Washington Nationals teammate, he went after his Team Pedigree teammate, and that is a bond that should never be forgotten. These guys have been playing well all year long, but Papelbon just didn't know his place. Even though Papelbon has been a good closer, Harper has been a transcendent star, joining with Mike Trout and Manny Machado to form the best trifecta in the entire league.

And yet, despite all that talent, Papelbon decided to throw it all away and fight with his teammate. My team lost 5-4-1, and had I just gotten one more home run that week, I would have advanced. Instead, Papelbon killed the morale of the team, and nobody did shit on Sunday. Jonathan Papelbon was released from my team and has earned a lifetime ban from my fantasy rosters.

And you know what happened once Papelbon was released? Despite the wind being taken out of our sails, and only playing for third place, the team came together and decided to go out there and kick some ass. The offense hit, and the pitching pitched out of their minds with a 1.46 ERA and sub 1.00 WHIP, while striking out 91 guys on the week. Hell, Scherzer was so happy to be rid of Papelbon on the team, he had one of the greatest pitching performances ever.

As great as all of that was, nothing embodies my team's spirit that they carried throughout the year better than these two teammates palling around.

Jose Fernandez may have thrown a meatball to Longoria, but he can laugh about it, and both can go on to team up to play for the greater good of Team Pedigree. May they serve as an inspiration for my fantasy football and basketball teams.

Dave Dombrowski Is a Gentle Lover

When I heard the Tigers were pursuing David Price, I chuckled to myself. The Tigers have traded away so many prospects that I'm not even sure if they field minor league teams anymore. There was no way they had the assets to get David Price. But then, sure enough, Dave Dombrowski found a way to turn Austin Jackson and Drew Smyly into David Price. How did he do this? It's because he's a gentle lover. Let me explain.

I think it's common knowledge that Dave Dombrowski is a master of seduction. If you somehow didn't know that, this photo, which has not been poorly photoshopped AT ALL, proves my point:

Since he is a master of seduction, he can pretty much seduce any woman he pleases. I'll admit it; I was nervous going to a Tigers Spring Training game a few months ago at the mere chance that DD might take a liking to my lady.

Basically, what his seduction prowess means is that he can seduce any owner's wife/girlfriend/main squeeze. Now, these owners are all super rich, cutthroat men who have done whatever it takes to get to the top. These are very prideful men, and also men who know what they like and hate change. The problem is that not only can Dave Dombrowski seduce their lady, but also that DD is a gentle lover.

This causes an issue as most owners sexual techniques start and end with vigorous. They aren't into any fluff; they are incredibly hard workers, but they only know one speed. Meanwhile, DD has listened to enough Tenacious D where he doesn't give sex to a woman, he makes love with her. Once these women experience the gentle love making of DD, they no longer want the vigorous sex that they experience from an old crusty baseball owner, and it ruins the lives of these owners.

So that is why Dave Dombrowski is consistently able to do the impossible when it comes to trades. Dave Dombrowski agreed to a four-year no seduction deal at the end of 2007 to acquire Miguel Cabrera from Jeffrey Loria and the Marlins. When that deal ran out, he gave another extension to get Anibal Sanchez in 2012. In between those two deals, he called up Ken Kendrick, who forced Josh Byrnes to trade away Max Scherzer in order to keep his beau away from Dombrowski's charms.

And finally, he called up Stuart Sternberg. Sternberg is a young, Wall Street hotshot, so he laughed at Dombrowski at first. He causally mentioned it as a joke with Andrew Friedman, but Friedman wasn't laughing. He knew of Dombrowski's skills, and therefore, he knew what he had to do. David Price is a Tiger, but Sternberg and his wife are safe from the charms of DD.

Don't blame these teams for their lack of return on top end talent. When you get that call from the 313 area code, you know your options have run out. If Dombrowski doesn't get his man, he's coming for your woman, and I'm glad these teams have made the right choice.