It's Time To Charm MusclePharm

I know what you're thinking. You thought that this Adonis-like body was all natural. Unfortunately, at age 31, I need a little help to keep up my image as the personification of perfection. Since I'm too cheap to pay for the good stuff (steroids), I turn to my good friends at MusclePharm. They make a wide variety of products, but I keep it simple with a daily vitamin, pre-workout, protein powder, and protein bar. Luckily for me, MusclePharm makes great products in each of these categories.

Daily Vitamin: Armor-V
Daily life is hard, as there are always people trying to take you off your game, whether it be giving you extra assignments at work or shooting you, Armor has everything you need to survive the day. It gives me both inner and outer strength, and I feel much better when I have had my daily vitamin.

Pre-Workout: Assault
This is where we get into the awesome names that make you feel manly and give you an uber-workout-boner. Assault is what I do to any weight that dares stand before me thanks to the energy boost I get from this product. The other great thing about it is the price continues to drop on Bodybuilding.com, so it's a super cheap pre-workout supplement. That is very important to me, as I'm not exactly setting the world on fire with my cash flow, so being reasonably priced is real nice for a fella like me. Oh, and like all pre-workouts, make sure you build in some time after taking it to take a dump before working out.

Protein Powder: Combat
Combat Protein Powder is a tasty treat in both chocolate and vanilla (I'm a very plain flavor sort of guy when it comes to my proteins). I'm a believer that protein powders are basically all the same, so if you like the taste and it comes cheap, you should go for it. The only one I wouldn't recommend is some brand that has a Jay Cutler sponsorship. It was the bodybuilder, not the quarterback, but I feel like the stink of the quarterback got involved in the flavor making process, so it'll leave you pouting on the sidelines.

Protein Bar: Combat Crunch
I know I said I was a big fan of MusclePharm products, but this one is off the chain by any standards. If you want a premium protein bar, it does not get any better than this. I scoff at people who are eating Quest bars like they are any good. Combat Crunch Bars (Peanut Butter flavor) are better than crack. I've never had crack, but I feel pretty safe in saying these are better. It's basically like eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup that is topped with a nestle crunch bar. These are the one MusclePharm product that is a little costly, but it is well worth the price, as they are that damn good.

The only downside with MusclePharm is that they aren't sponsoring me. I mean, I'm not a professional athlete, but I lift, train in MMA, and go for runs and would gladly be a walking/rolling/running billboard for their company for the low cost of some free products and some swag to stroll around in. So MusclePharm representative, add me to your stable of sponsorships by reaching out on Twitter or by email. Together, we can have a beautiful relationship. 

What Would It Take For You To Eat Poop?

This seems like a simple question. But this morning, I got to thinking about what it would take for me to eat poop.

Everyone's initial reaction is that I would do it for a million dollars, or whatever amount of money you want to throw out in order for you to take a taste of poo. But it would take a crazy person to offer money to watch somebody eat shit. And let's face it, this crazy person could find somebody to do it cheaper than you or I would. That means that you have to go to the trouble of finding something that separates you like wearing a diaper and a bonnet while eating poop. By the point you come up with your gimmick, you probably would be better just getting a normal job.

But then I got to thinking. I have my pre-workout supplements and my post-workout protein. Anytime I try a new product, I hate the taste of whatever I am trying. But, after a while, it grows on me, and by the time I am finished, I look forward to the taste and buy another container. The only thing that gets me to change is the price going up (so please don't raise your prices MusclePharm as I enjoy your wonderful products and would gladly have you sponsor this blog).

So, instead of money, let's say it had health benefits. I'm a healthy dude. I run, lift, and shoot hoops (poorly) every week. I'm also a competitive person. I trained MMA for six months despite never being in a fight in my life, just so I could walk around knowing that I would win most hypothetical fights (I'd still probably lose). Although I have never tried steroids, because they are illegal and expensive, I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about trying steroids. There are steroids out there that will help you build muscle mass without lifting a weight. That is something I could get on board with, if it were legal and cheap.

So, that brings us full circle to poop. Fresh poop has a really offensive smell, and I am guessing that leads to an offensive taste. But if you let it dry out, it is not nearly as offensive as smell, and theoretically, not nearly as bad of a taste either. If I could take a bite of poop and have the same effects of a perfectly safe steroid, I would at least consider it. I'm sure I could get used to the flavor after a while.

So if eating poop turned me into a ripped machine, I'd definitely consider it. I can't imagine how many chicks that I would be able to get if I was bigger and badder than ever. I could pretty much have any woman I wanted, with the one caveat that I'd have to find girls who don't mind a guy's breath smelling like shit...maybe I should rethink this plan.