It's Time To Charm MusclePharm

I know what you're thinking. You thought that this Adonis-like body was all natural. Unfortunately, at age 31, I need a little help to keep up my image as the personification of perfection. Since I'm too cheap to pay for the good stuff (steroids), I turn to my good friends at MusclePharm. They make a wide variety of products, but I keep it simple with a daily vitamin, pre-workout, protein powder, and protein bar. Luckily for me, MusclePharm makes great products in each of these categories.

Daily Vitamin: Armor-V
Daily life is hard, as there are always people trying to take you off your game, whether it be giving you extra assignments at work or shooting you, Armor has everything you need to survive the day. It gives me both inner and outer strength, and I feel much better when I have had my daily vitamin.

Pre-Workout: Assault
This is where we get into the awesome names that make you feel manly and give you an uber-workout-boner. Assault is what I do to any weight that dares stand before me thanks to the energy boost I get from this product. The other great thing about it is the price continues to drop on Bodybuilding.com, so it's a super cheap pre-workout supplement. That is very important to me, as I'm not exactly setting the world on fire with my cash flow, so being reasonably priced is real nice for a fella like me. Oh, and like all pre-workouts, make sure you build in some time after taking it to take a dump before working out.

Protein Powder: Combat
Combat Protein Powder is a tasty treat in both chocolate and vanilla (I'm a very plain flavor sort of guy when it comes to my proteins). I'm a believer that protein powders are basically all the same, so if you like the taste and it comes cheap, you should go for it. The only one I wouldn't recommend is some brand that has a Jay Cutler sponsorship. It was the bodybuilder, not the quarterback, but I feel like the stink of the quarterback got involved in the flavor making process, so it'll leave you pouting on the sidelines.

Protein Bar: Combat Crunch
I know I said I was a big fan of MusclePharm products, but this one is off the chain by any standards. If you want a premium protein bar, it does not get any better than this. I scoff at people who are eating Quest bars like they are any good. Combat Crunch Bars (Peanut Butter flavor) are better than crack. I've never had crack, but I feel pretty safe in saying these are better. It's basically like eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup that is topped with a nestle crunch bar. These are the one MusclePharm product that is a little costly, but it is well worth the price, as they are that damn good.

The only downside with MusclePharm is that they aren't sponsoring me. I mean, I'm not a professional athlete, but I lift, train in MMA, and go for runs and would gladly be a walking/rolling/running billboard for their company for the low cost of some free products and some swag to stroll around in. So MusclePharm representative, add me to your stable of sponsorships by reaching out on Twitter or by email. Together, we can have a beautiful relationship. 

We Need to Talk About This Picture of Hulk Hogan

WWE.com recently posted rarely seen photos of Hulk Hogan, and it is a treasure trove of wonderful for any Hulkamaniac. Despite there being 187 photos, one photo clearly stood out above the rest. I would not only posit that it is the greatest photo of Hulk Hogan, but likely the greatest photo in history. Behold:

That shirt. That SHIRT. That shirt is amazing. I mean, it takes a man to wear a shirt like that. I thought it was a photoshop at first, but this photo is apparently real, and that makes me incredibly happy. I don't even know how to talk about that shirt, so let's just rank the best things about that shirt.

5. It's pink.
4. It has hearts all over it.
3. It has a DEEP-V.
2. There are tears through the shoulders and arms of the shirt.
1. Hulk Hogan looked at it and decided that, "Yep, this is a nice shirt for a fancy dinner."

Second, we need to take a look at his dinner guests. Who are they? There is no way to know, but I have a pretty good guess. Logically, there is no way Hogan is busting out that shirt for just anybody, so they must be pretty big stars. Still, Hulk wants to take the attention off of them, or perhaps he NEEDS to take the attention off of them for their own sake. It's pretty obvious what I am saying by now. That is Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, both aged but living peacefully. Hulk is there enjoying their reminiscing while eating salads.

And speaking of what is for dinner, HOLY SHIT. Look at all those supplements. I counted 10 different bottles and cannisters of supplements. Good lord. Of course this is the man that once advertised The Hulkster's Powerful Python Pack...

Hulk Hogan Makes Protein Shakes (TNT Show 06... by JinMedia
...which are strong enough to help Awful Alfred and change the color of Vince McMahon's suit. So really ThERe is nO way to tell what Is to Decipher what is in those Supplements, but I am guessing that it is a super safe and super normal thing to have with salad and bread.

And although I love everything about this photo, it all comes back to one thing.

That shirt, man.

The Weight Cut: Week 2

It’s pretty funny that my weight is going to be 140 after this cut considering that I graduated high school at 143; I had basically zero muscle mass, and you probably could have described my body back then as petite. The way I am getting there is tuna and rice in the morning, tuna and rice in the afternoon, drinking nothing but distilled water, and a protein shake at night. I've found that if I only have seven ounces at a time, I can turn my regular protein shake into two smaller meals at night. Yes, seven ounces of protein shake has turned into a legit meal for me.

It’s Tuesday, and my weight is getting better. Since we have a messed up scale, I am approximately 146 Coach told me that I’m not filling out my shirts as well, so I guess that’s a positive, but I probably look like even more of a little bitch right now.

By Wednesday night, things are definitely getting a little depressing. I had a shitty practice which didn’t help, but I’m just in a funk right now. I’m weaker than normal, and I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s kind of like a bad drunk where I really can’t function to my full capabilities; I realize I’m fucked up, but I can’t really do anything about it, so I’m like in Zombie Drunk mode. I watched the movie MacGruber and thought it was really good. It might have been funny, but it definitely could have sucked and I was just in a giggly mood. This paragraph might not make sense to people, but I’m not going to edit it when I get back to full strength. I think that makes this artsy.

I also decided to screw over the system and sign up for a free trial membership at Midtown Sports & Wellness. This place is off the chain nice, but I have a zero chance of actually joining. I usually feel guilty about this, but they made me wait like fifteen minutes before somebody helped me, so I am doing this guilt free. Basically, I needed to have a place with a working scale, and I also needed a place that had a sauna for my cut on Friday. Their usual deal is three days, but I went in and got five, because I’m sexy. God bless my good looks.

On Thursday, I had an average breakfast, a light lunch, and a protein shake for dinner. I’m hungry all the time, but nothing interesting happened on Thursday since I just did 45 minutes on a bike to get a little sweat going.

Friday was judgment day, and it started at 5AM when I was a good guy and took my roommate to the airport. I then had my first of two protein shakes for the day. Then, at 3:00, I went to the gym to see how much I needed to sweat out in the sauna. I was at 143, so it wasn’t going too bad of a sweat. It’s just that my body was already drained from a lack of nourishment, but I knew that being this close I could sweat off the rest. Honestly, the sauna was pretty relaxing. I just took a book in with me and read to pass the time so it went by pretty quick. I got done with two rounds and was just slightly over. Then the most glorious thing ever happened; I had to pee. My weight dropped .4 pounds which would have made me safe according to the scale, but I decided I’d do one more quick round just in case the scale was off. I got down to 139.2 before making my hour drive up to Rio Rancho.

I was worried about being horribly undernourished and dehydrated for the drive, but the sauna actually made me feel better than I had earlier in the day. I made it up to the place, checked in, and got on the scales, 139.2. I decided to get a professional drawing of myself at this weight, and here is how it turned out:
For some reason, they made me slightly tanner, and replaced my Seattle Storm gym bag with a suitcase.

I managed to drop 13 pounds in 12 days. I’m not gonna lie; it fucking sucked, but it was still good to go through that. After I weighed in, I had four dinners spread out by an hour and a half each. It was the happiest I have been in the last two weeks. So I did it, congratulations to me. Wait…what? I have to compete tomorrow? Fuck. Well, I’ve got weight cutting skills, and tomorrow will tell me whether I have some grappling skills.

-Joe

P.S. I wasn't lying about having a Seattle Storm gym bag. I love that thing.

P.P.S. Although a lot of people have probably already seen this, and even though it's long, I would definitely take a look at this profile of a former NFL agent by SI.