Macho Man Randy Savage Is The Greatest: Volume 2 - The World's Greatest Threat

Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid. He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.

Hulk Hogan turning heel at the Bash at the Beach in 1996 is one of the most iconic moments in pro wrestling history. It was an incredible shock to this 12-year-old Hulkamaniac, but it also spawned the coolest stable in pro wrestling history. What people don't remember is how WCW responded the next night. Sting gave his speech about Hulk letting everybody down, and it was very ho-hum. Then Macho Man took the microphone and shit got real.

In case you are at work, or if you need someone to help you digest what you just saw, I am going to break down every line from the Macho Man.

I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. 

Okay, that makes sense. He just turned his back on WCW, and especially Macho Man, more than anyone else, so I it is totally reasonable that Savage would have a message for Hogan.

But what I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television, especially here at Disney. 

Hey-o! Macho's coming in hot, but honestly, this makes sense. He has every right to be angry. The problem is that if he can't say what's on his mind, how will he articulate what he wants to do to Hogan? But you should never question Macho's ability to get his point across, because this man has articulation oozing out of his ass.

But you take the worst thing that you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million...

Okay, hold up just for a second. Let me do the math here. Worse thing...times...9,000,000...equals...oh man, that's some bad shit right there.

...and then you multiply it by infinity...

Oh, wait, just give me one more second. Times ∞. okay, it looks like that equals 9,000,000 ∞. That seems like a lot.

...and beyond. 

Hum. I can't seem to find the "and beyond" button on this thing. But it's got to be more than 9,000,000 ∞. That was already more than I could count, so it's gotta be pretty intense. And let's not forget that this is how much you should multiply the worst thing that you can think about.

It would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert, brother. 

Oh, WOW. So even with that large number we just discovered, that would only represent one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert. Doing some quick research with the always reliable Yahoo Answers, I learned that there are eight octillion grains of sand in the Sahara. That means that to figure out what Macho Man is thinking, we have to think of the worst thing we can think of, multiply it by 9,000,000 ∞, and then multiply that by 8,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Because it's really really scary what I'm thinking and gonna do to you, YEAH.

Uh...yeah, I'd say so. After doing the math, we have to take the worst thing we can think of and multiply it by 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ∞. What could this possibly mean? How is this possible? Well, after weeks of this question haunting me, the answer finally dawned on me. The key is not who is saying this, but who he is saying it to. What Macho Man understood better than any of us was Hollywood Hogan's former nickname. Not just Hulk, but The Immortal Hulk Hogan. That takes care of the infinity, as this torture that Macho Man wants to put on Hulk Hogan will last for all eternity. That giant number before the infinity? Well, that will always remain a mystery as only Macho Man had the mental capacity to dream up something so awful that it would be 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 than your worst nightmare.

It is the greatest threat recorded in human history, and it's another reason why Macho Man Randy Savage was the greatest.

My Second Worst Nightmare

So just to be clear, my worst nightmare is definitely being buried alive. Nothing will top that, but just behind that was what happened on episode three of Black Mirror. Black Mirror is probably the most messed up television show out there, and that's why it works on NetFlix. It's British, it deals with the dangers of technology, and even when awful people have bad things happen to them, you don't actually feel happy at the end of the episode (episode 5 is a great example of this).

But the third episode was interesting in that people had chips implanted in them so they would have video of all of their memories. They could recall anything and even post up their videos on the television. Immediately, I thought of how I could relive some great times with this technology, but it was infinitely outweighed by all of the bad things I wouldn't want to relive. Now you are able to delete things that are boring or you do not want to remember for eternity, but other people would have my embarrassing moments saved, so I'm totally cool with our current memory system (Even in the positive moments, it may be better that I can glorify the moment and remember myself as way cooler than I actually was).

SPOILER ALERT. Do not read on if you do not want episode three ruined for you. I'm about to go over things.

So my second worst nightmare definitely happened in this episode, as a guy found out that his wife was cheating on him. That would be enough to put me in a very dark place, but then he finds out that their only child actually isn't his kid, as it was caused from the affair. There is no coming back from that. Not only did you get cheated on, but this guy is more successful than you at impregnating your wife.

At this point, I would have no choice but to live my life full of hatred. I'm not a big supporter of hate, but at that point, you basically have to embrace it. Here would be my hatred power rankings.

3. The Other Dude
Yeah, what he did was really shitty, but a lot of dudes sleep with women who are in relationships. If I saw him out and about, I'd probably fight him, because my hatred would outweigh the fact that I'm an adult and fighting is for children.

2. My Wife
I'd hate her more for sure. Not only would that shitty thing be out there, but it would also ruin all of my other memories of and with her. The dude in the episode ended up carving out the chip in his head so he could just wipe away all of his memories, and that totally seems worth it, because otherwise, happiness would not be attainable. At least my memories would be blurry, but happiness would not be finding me anytime soon.

1. The Baby
I know it's a baby, but I would hate that baby. I know that baby didn't do anything to me, but that baby would represent the worst moment of my life, and I would really wish for that kid to fuck up his life and possibly become a famous serial killer. Actually, I take that back. I don't want him to become a famous one. I want him to be one of the shitty ones that time has forgotten.

And the reason I can write about this is I'm currently in a really good marriage with my wife. I trust my wife won't cheat on me, and especially wouldn't get impregnated and make me think the child was my own, but, uh, I guess if my wife is reading this and was thinking about it, like, don't. Yeah, please don't do that. It would not be cool.

But gun to her head, she has to cheat on me and have a baby or bury me alive. Cheat away, honey. Cheat away.