When Wrestlers Act: Wrong Side of Town

So I finally got around to watching the movie, Wrong Side of Town, starring RVD with a strong supporting role from Batista. My expectations were not high going into this movie, but it absolutely blew me out of the water. Usually in my movie reviews, I'll give away some of the plot so you don't have to pain yourself by going through the movie. In this movie, I just want to go over some of the highlights so instead of drinking this weekend, you can find yourself having a raucous good time on The Wrong Side of Town.

:07 - We start with a sexy lady in the pool, and flash to a worker who is about use a chainsaw and some tree stump. Oh, but that’s not any old random worker, that’s RVD, Rob Van Dam. The chainsaw isn’t working, no big deal, RVD karate chops the wood. Hell yes he does.

:07 - Oh no, sexy pool lady has somehow drowned. RVD to the rescue, he gets her to safety…and what’s this? She was just messin; she had to practice for her drama class. Either way, Mom is grounding her for a month. RVD is bummed, but manages to talk Mom down to two weeks.

:08 - Just realized that RVD wasn’t a random worker, but is actually her father. RVD playing the role of Dad has me incredibly excited.

:09 - Now the neighbor just came by to ask for a hammer, and RVD told him he could help him with that, if he had a driver’s license and major credit card. Then he did this pose:

He looks mean, but he’s just kidding. The neighbor sure was nervous.

:09 – We learn that RVD hates the city, probably because he can never stay on the right side of town.

:10 – I know I’m only ten minutes in, but everything RVD says makes me laugh. This may be one of the greatest movies ever made.

:12 – The neighbor is a club owner’s lawyer. He tries to high-five the club owner, but he has none of it. The club owner does offer to comp their meal. The neighbor is pumped about the free meal, RVD is apprehensive and says that you always end up paying in the long run, could this be foreshadowing? I think so.

:17 – I can’t properly explain how awesome everything RVD says is. The neighbor’s wife came back without his wife, and he asked, “Where’s Dawn?” If I would have been drinking anything at that moment, it would have been spit on my computer.

:18 – RVD just killed a dude, his response, “He had it coming.” There is no such thing as remorse in the world of RVD.

:36 – RVD is about to trick people hired to kidnap him into thinking there are diamonds in his sock. This is awesome.

:37 – Just had this exchange:
Neighbor: Where did you learn to fight like that?
RVD: I watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies.

:39 – Turns out it wasn’t Jackie Chan movies where he learned to fight, it was in the special forces.

:43 – RVD is surrounded by bad guys, and they send in their big enforcer, MABEL! Hell yes.

:46 – RVD says he needs to call in an old debt. Who does he meet? BATISTA!

:47 – Some stripper just implied RVD was gay, apparently she can’t recognize a testosterone-fueled badass when she sees one.

:49 – So this movie just had the scene from Team America where the one guy tries to outact Alec Baldwin, except RVD and Batista just did the opposite.

:55 – Batista is having a conversation with a dead guy, it’s brilliant.

1:02 – What do all badasses need?

Badass Shades and...

A Badass Bike Helmet.

1:14 – Just imagine this sneaking up on you in real life.


1:16 – They are now playing slap hands during a knife fight.


And with that, I'm sure you are confused about what actually happens in this movie. All this movie involves is great acting, awesome action scenes, great acting, awesome RVD moments, and great acting. This movie was so manly that I had to manscape both before and after this movie. Still I HIGHLY recommend the movie Wrong Side of Town.

-Joe

P.S. If you want to watch a really crappy movie that will make you think and stuff, watch Inception, talk about a snoozer.

P.P.S. I haven't even seen that movie, but I probably just gave half of my readers a heart attack because everyone seems to think it's the greatest thing ever. Apparently those people never saw No Holds Barred.

Sports Radio: The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful

Now that I have a radio in my car, I have began listening to a lot of sports radio when I'm on the road. For the most part, the times that I'm in the car, I can usually enjoy what's going down. But there are times that it sucks. But then there are also times where I don't want to leave my car, because it's such compelling radio. Let's go over all three.

The Good - The Scott Van Pelt show is actually a really good show. Both Van Pelt and co-host Ryen Russillo do something that is very rare for people involved with ESPN, and they actually admit when they are wrong. It's really not that difficult of a thing to do, and for me, it increases credibility as opposed to the more famous ass clowns on ESPN who just spew a bunch of garbage. They pick interesting topics and actually have intelligent debates about them. If you like ESPN on television, you probably won't like these guys.

The Bad - Mike & Mike just keeps getting more and more brutal. They really focus on the emotions of the sports world which makes it seem like I'm listening to two chicks talk about things. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a debate about who had the best ass in major league baseball. They're not quite on the level of Bayless or Paige, but that's not exactly a feather in their cap. They still suck.

The Beautiful - This is entirely premature since I just listened to them for the first time last night, but the local guys for Albuquerque Sports Radio are beautiful. How were they able to make such an impact on me in such a short period of time? They waxed poetically about a certain someone that is near and dear to my heart...
Oh yes! They LOVE Steve Alford, and I love them for that. I'm not sure if the haters heard the news, but Steve Alford got a decent pay bump along with an extension that will take him through 2020. I nearly called in to tell them that this was the greatest use of money since the Yankees bought Babe Ruth, but these radio guys were already waxing poetically about the greatness of Steve so my comments would have just been overkill. The highlights for me were when they went back to Selection Sunday where CBS sent a camera crew to The Pit to catch the reaction of the Lobos basketball team and their fans. Since I was driving, I wasn't able to get their exact words, but they basically spoke as if Steve sat in the middle as a ray of light guiding the players and fans to the promised land. They then compared their basketball program to Gonzaga's as they see themselves as a consistent powerhouse from a small conference. They believe this, because they truly believe that they have the best coach in college basketball. If I called in and told them I heard a rumor that Pat Riley wanted to fire Erik Spoelstra and hire Steve Alford as the Heat's new coach but Alford turned them down, they wouldn't think that was an outrageous rumor, they'd just credit Steve Alford's integrity and dedication to making New Mexico the best basketball program in the nation. If they love him this much during the offseason, I cannot wait until they actually start playing games. Let the good times (and good hair) roll.

-Joe

P.S. You should really read this entire rundown of North Carolina Defensive Tackle, Marvin Austin's, twitter account. For just a preview, here is a picture he posted to show his shooting prowess:

It was accompanied with this message: Hit da bullseye twice…I think I should join the .u.s rangers..oh but I shot a hostage too…opps
Opps indeed.

P.P.S. Not sure if people have watched Children's Hospital on Adult Swim, but it's awesome and this video is absolutely amazing.

Dream Job

Anybody remember that show Dream Job on ESPN? That was a pretty cool show, and I tried out for it twice. The second year they had me in for a second interview after I completely dominated the debate part and followed it up by killing it on their 30 page questionnaire. Then they never had the season that I tried out for. That was a random tangent that has very little to do with what I am going to talk about today and that is my current dream job.

My current dream job is to become a garbage man. Currently, I have friends who work at the dump, but they aren't living the glamorous lifestyle that I would lead if I were a garbage man. First off, I would take everything back about twenty years. I don't want to be called a sanitation worker, and I also don't want a robotic claw to pick up the trash. I would also prefer that my neighborhood would have those classic metal garbage cans that they still use in wrestling matches.

For my attire, you better believe I wouldn't be wearing a shirt when I was working. I'd also probably compliment it with work boots and jean shorts, cutoffs of course. Looking at me normally seems like the epitome of badass, but me out in the blazing sun throwing garbage in the back of the truck shirtless would be sextasy for the ladies.

Next up, we would be in a rich neighborhood with great weather year round (that way, I'd never have to wear a shirt). Can you imagine what those housewives would do if they saw me and my boys throwing trash in the back of the truck and high-fiving like there's no tomorrow? I'd tell you what they'd do, they'd offer for us to come inside. They would say it was just to get us some lemonade since it's so hot out there, but I have a strong feeling that me in nothing but jean shorts and work boots would lead to too much sexual tension for them to resist.

Now sure, there would be those sticky situations where the husbands come home and come across the garbage man sans jean shorts and might get a little jealous. But then they'd realize that I was the garbage man, and they'd be cool with it. I imagine some of them would want to quit their high-paying Hollywood agent gig to join the crew. I'd tell him to start working on those abs and maybe we would consider him. After I put on my jean shorts, he'd probably high-five me too, because everybody loves the garbage man.

After that, I would meet up with my crew where we'd laugh about our sexual conquests. I'd hop on the back on the garbage truck as we rode into the sunset. Just another day in the life of the garbage man.

So yeah, that's my dream job.

-Joe

P.S. We'd probably eat something like this every day just to prove our manliness.

I Should Be A Wedding Planner

Being unemployed gives me a lot of time for brainstorming. Through these brainstorming sessions, I come up with some awesome ideas. My latest ideas are to improve everything about weddings. Weddings are a great time, you get drunk, party hard, and who knows where the night will end up? But there are many flaws with weddings and the receptions that follow. I will fix just about everything with the following ideas:

1. Wedding Attire - The suits and extravagant wedding dresses are so 1800s. You're not a debutante, so it's time to start breaking into the 21st Century. This is your special day, so you should make it as enjoyable as possible. What's more enjoyable than being comfortable? Nothing. That is why I propose that the groom wears gym shorts and a clean t-shirt (we're not going to allow people to be slobs), and brides can wear booty shorts and a tank top. I would prefer a pair of custom made booty shorts where instead of saying "Juicy" on the ass, it could say "Bride", "Taken", or "Official Bottom Bitch". I haven't decided what the bridesmaids should wear, but I think matching wife beaters for the groomsmen would add a level of class to the ceremony.

2. Decorations - There are so many flowers at weddings. You know what flowers do? They die. That's depressing a giant waste of cash. So I'm getting rid of all the flowers. Now, on a completely unrelated note (or is it?), do you ever get hungry during weddings? I know I sure do. So how can we come up with one solution for two problems? Boom, we decorate with food. Edible arrangements always does a nice job, but really, all you have to do is put different colored fruit together, and it will look nice. Plus, the fruit isn't going to die. It's going to be eaten. Once the bride walks down the aisle, those decorations are fair game for anyone to eat. You bet your ass I'm showing up on time to a wedding to make sure that I'm seated next to the most delicious edible decorations at the ceremony. Chocolate covered strawberries, delicious and nutritious (kind of).

3. Food - Honestly, wedding food is usually awesome. I have had some fantastic food, and there's really no need to mess with it. But with the addition of t-shirts instead of suits, ribs now become a much more viable option, just something to think about.

4. Wedding Cake - Wedding cake is way too fancy. Red velvet, buttercream, mocha? What the hell is that? There is no need to be fancy when you could simply be effective, and what cake does everyone love? Funfetti. From the holiest saints to the filthiest of scumbags, everybody loves funfetti. Why anyone would try to separate from this basic truth is beyond my comprehension.

5. Dance Floor - Everybody always feels awkward when they're the first people starting off the dancing at a wedding, so to help change that, we put the dance floor away from everything and make it pitch black where it is. There will probably be some strobes going on, and definitely a smoke machine, but wedding dance floors really need to be more like a shitty dance club. Sure, you might grind on grandma, but at least nobody will be able to tell it was you who accidentally elbowed a girl in the face while you were busting out your awesome karate moves.

6. Garter/Bouquet Toss - This may be my best idea, but I figured I would save my most awesome idea for the end. I don't know how the ladies feel about catching a bouquet, but it's pretty worthless. As a guy, I know that I have no interest in trying to catch a garter. I think it's more of a detriment. What? Am I going to be the asshole who puts it around my head? No, as I have stated many times, I'm classy. So for the ladies, we throw out...(realizes he knows nothing about women)...Twilight DVDs? Plus, even after they make like five of those movies, your max investment is $50. The ladies will be clawing at each other's hair to have Edwin, Roscoe, and Jameer (I'm not sure what their names are, but Edwin sounds right, and Jameer is probably the second best name for a black vampire, next to Blade) on DVD. Guys, don't worry about that stupid garter anymore, because instead, we'll have the groom throw out a $250 Best Buy gift card. There will be blood as people go for that thing which will honestly just bring even more excitement to the wedding.

7. Centerpieces - This idea is so brilliant, it hurts...hurts so good that is. Centerpieces really range from different glassy type deals to flowery type deals to sparkly type deals, and they all suck. Now imagine, sitting at your table, and coming across this beauty in the middle:
But it gets better, because we are definitely doing a whiskey chugging contest as the first table who can finish off their bottle (we could possibly go to two bottles if you want people to get really messed up) gets free open bar the rest of the night while the rest of the party just has the kegs to drink from. This prize really isn't all that great, but the fact that the winning table is known as winners the rest of the night will certainly help their chances with the ladies.

Also, with everybody starting the night off chugging whiskey, the party is sure to be off the chain, and that dance floor will be hoppin.

These ideas are just the tip of the iceberg as I have many more ideas floating around in my head. Feel free to contact me via Facebook or e-mail me at papalishus@hotmail.com if you would like me to plan your wedding.

-Joe

P.S. I was driving around the ABQ this weekend and have some bad news for my fans in Florida. If you were looking to get the customized license plate "Kegel", sorry, it's been taken.

Dio: Rock God

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard the tragic news that Ronnie James Dio, Rock God, has died of stomach cancer. Most people probably went about their day without thinking much of it, and those people clearly do not get the gravity of the situation.

Ronnie James Dio is to metal what Moses is to the Christianity. Sure, it's very cool to cite the teachings of Jesus, but when you actually want to see influences in the metal industry, Dio truly shaped what metal became, just like Moses and the Ten Commandments shaped Christianity.

Without Moses, Jesus doesn't have the impact and his message may have been very different. Without Dio, heavy metal music is way different. Although he never really took off commercially, just about anybody who got into heavy metal cites Dio as an influence. The dude fucking rocked.

Unless you're a total douchebag, you've definitely heard his most commercially successful song, Holy Diver. But have you listened to the lyrics? They're fucking insane. The only possible way they could make sense is if they are about drugs, but I honestly hope it's not. I hope it has no meaning. I hope he just created something awesome for no other reason but to rock.

If that's not enough for you, he popularized the Devil Horns hand gesture in metal. Without him, people would still be holding lighters like a big old puddle of douche juice (thanks to Buzz Bissinger on the stupid term "douche juice"). If he was any more metal, we wouldn't have been able to look at him, because he would have been the living incarnation of the Arc of the Covenant, and our faces would have melted clean off.

Most people would be somber when being diagnosed with stomach cancer. But here is what his wife Wendy wrote on his official website when they found out the news:
"Ronnie has been diagnosed with the early stages of stomach cancer. We are starting treatment immediately at the Mayo Clinic. After he kills this dragon, Ronnie will be back on stage."
Ronnie James Dio doesn't see cancer as a disease, he sees it as a fucking dragon. And he had every intention of slaying that dragon. That is so fucking awesome that I just about shit my pants. If we all tackled our problems like we were killing dragons, we would all be Kings of planets around the universe.

This man deserves our respect. I remember arguing with fellow employees of the River Bandits that we needed to play more Dio, and they laughed at me. Then they realized I wasn't going to shut up until some Dio was played, and they finally relented. Then they realized something, Dio fucking rocks. I just hope Heaven is ready, because Dio may be rocking their asses off as we speak.

-Joe

P.S. In Season Three, Dio makes an appearance on South Park, and it's obviously awesome, but it also shows Butters getting a kiss which means that Butters' Bottom Bitch episode was built on a lie. I obviously still love South Park.

P.P.S. This was blog post number 69. The only number more fitting would have been 666.

Where's The Beef?

The book Moneyball was all about finding market inefficiencies in baseball, and I feel as though baseball is far ahead of the curve in this matter. It is expanding in football and basketball, but considering that baseball has to go off many who have only played high school baseball when drafting top prospects, I feel baseball is far ahead of the curve in drafting. If everybody they drafted had at least three years in college as the NFL has the benefit of, I think the MLB would do a much better job of identifying all of the top talent in baseball.

The defense that has been taking over lately has been the 3-4, because it presents a lot of confusion on pass rushes. It does that, because you can rush four guys, but nobody knows which four guys will be coming in. As more and more teams use the 3-4 defense, it becomes easier to block as teams are constantly facing it. The problem that many 3-4 teams have is defending the run since they will have a smaller front seven than a traditional 4-3. What helps them against the run is putting a giant nose tackle, usually 340 lbs or above, to stuff up the middle and let the linebackers roam free. This defense has been effective for many teams, and it’s great that teams are starting to witness that and adjusting their rosters. The problem is coming from the teams that have stuck with the traditional 4-3 defense.

Nearly everyone who currently runs a 4-3 is doing so in an extremely inefficient manner. They were tricked into thinking that they are doing things right, but they are so obviously wrong. Two people are primarily to blame for this: Tony Dungy and Warren Sapp.

Tony Dungy made the Cover-2 Defense popular, based primarily on speed and not giving up the big play by keeping two safeties back to make sure that teams would not be able to throw over the top. The advantages in this defense is that you did not need shutdown corners to be effective, because they would have help over the top. Another big key is that speed was everywhere on this defense as opposed to trying to outpower teams offenses.

The biggest weakness in this defense is trying to run up the middle, but with a good front seven, they were able to slow down teams. One of the things that helped them stop runs up the middle was having run-stopping safeties like John Lynch and Bob Sanders. Plus, if teams ran to the outside, it played into their strengths of speed.

The big key on passing downs was getting pressure from the front four guys on the line with minimal blitzing. This let seven guys drop back into coverage, and as long as the front four was able to penetrate, it led to extremely dominant defenses. Since getting pressure on the QB is so key, Dungy drafted the smaller, more speed-based players for his line, so he had four guys who could conceivably get to the quarterback on the line.

This is where Warren Sapp comes in (this does not involve beating women). Sapp is the ideal fit for Dungy’s Cover-2 Defense as he was not large for defensive tackle standards and was very quick off the line so he was able to harass quarterbacks from an interior position. Playing for Dungy for the majority of his career, Sapp became a likely Hall of Famer, and many teams saw the success they had and obviously wanted to replicate it. The problem was that Warren Sapp is a rare player, and teams keep trying to recreate it with crappier versions of Sapp.

The reason this irritates me so much is that the Bears have been a blatant offender of this.

One defense that has been unbelievably successful that nobody seems to notice is a traditional 4-3 defense but one that acquires a certain personnel to make it absolutely dominating against both run and pass. It is inspired by the 3-4, but it is even better, because instead of one of those giant nose tackles, you put two giant people in the middle and completely shut down the running game.

Let’s break down a running play for a team that has to play against this. You try to run up the middle and you’re more than likely running into a wall. So attacking the outside becomes the logical choice. The problem is that the linebackers are free to roam so trying to beat them to the edge is going to be extremely difficult. Hence, you have created a dominant defense against the run.

But the NFL has adopted the forward pass so just plugging up the middle is not going to stop them from beating you with the pass. This is true, but that doesn’t mean that this alignment can’t stop the pass. Here is how a passing play will break down. In theory, you’ll use three of your interior linemen to stop the giants trying to come through the middle. Then, you use your athletic Defensive Ends to attack from the outside. Usually, you’ll at least have a tight end or running back to stay in and help so one of the defensive ends is probably a non-factor. The other defensive end goes one on one with a solid shot to get after the QB. More than likely, the interior linemen will double one guy, leaving the other giant defensive end in there to collapse the pocket. So, even without blitzing, there is a decent shot to get to the quarterback. Since the huge defensive tackles are more plugs than sackmasters, it leaves a shot to put in some smaller defensive tackles or larger defensive ends in on obvious passing downs to help create pressure from the inside while your fatasses (I mean it in the most complimentary way possible) get some rest.

One team does exactly what I envision. They are the Minnesota Vikings. The Williams Brother open everything up for everybody. Ben Leber and Chad Greenway both move extremely well and EJ Henderson (when healthy) has shown a nose for the ball to make their entire linebacking corps very good at getting to the ball and making plays. Both Pat and Kevin Williams are always in the debate for the Pro Bowl, because they do their job very well, and working together makes them even more dominant, because they aren’t constantly double teamed since that would leave the other guy to dominate. I don’t think these are the most talented defensive tackles in the game, but I do think they know what their job is and they excel in getting it done.

Back in 2001, the Bears put this defense out there when they had Sam Adams and Ted Washington in the middle. The Bears had Jim Miller at QB and still had a first round bye going into the playoffs because there defense was so awesome. Brian Urlacher had the best year he will ever have in his career when they had those guys. The Bears system worked even better because they had those fast linebackers that could roam free. The Bears still have fast linebackers, but they often get blocked on the second level by lineman who don’t have to worry about 350 lbs of man meat in front of them.

The only real problem that the Bears would run into if they reinstituted this defense is that the big guys do tend to tire quicker than the smaller defensive tackles. This shouldn’t be a huge issue as you could put in quicker defensive tackles on passing downs to help create that quick rush that Tony Dungy’s Defenses were known for. It is the best of both worlds. It is so simple and blatantly effective that I know the Bears will not be using my strategy anytime soon.

Iowa Basketball

Anytime somebody says they are about to have something painful happen to them (i.e. tonsils removed, arm broken by bookie, girl breaks their heart, etc.), I think to myself, "Well, at least it can't be as painful as watching Iowa Basketball."

Yes, the Hawkeyes are bad, but that isn't the disturbing thing about the team in recent years. It's that they're bad and boring. Say what you will about Alford (And before doing that, remember that he was the reason that student ticket prices dropped in price by a huge margin), but his teams were fun to watch. They weren't very fundamentally sound, and Alford never taught them his great talent of shooting free throws, but they were fun to watch. Doug Thomas provided many of those memories, but we also have Hawkeye greats like Glen Worley, Erek Hansen, and Kurt Looby.

This team is boring, but they try hard so I do have to give them credit for that. A starting five of Payne, May, Gatens, Fuller, and Cole isn't awful. It's still incredibly small, but those five can play Big Ten Basketball. After that, it's pretty slim pickings. But outside of their last game against Michigan, they were playing a ton better than the way they started this season.

So watch the Hawks tonight. It won't be pretty; you probably won't find yourself all that entertained, but they're playing Illinois, so I'll even go out and predict a win tonight. Iowa 11, Illinois 8. Go Hawks.

-Joe

Improving the Bears

For all but Saints and Colts fans, football season is over. This is a great time to look back on the positives and negatives of your favorite team. Looking back on the Bears season, the positives were that they beat Brett Favre and the Vikings and…um, shit, not much else.

The negatives were:

Trading For Jay Cutler and Giving Away a Bunch of High Picks

Brian Urlacher’s Injury

Giving Jay Cutler a Big Guaranteed Contract Through 2013

Our Offensive Line Being Swiss Cheese

Jay Cutler’s Interceptions

Matt Forte Taking a Major Step Backwards

Jay Cutler’s Stupid Look On His Face

Tommie Harris Having an IQ Lower Than 70

Jay Cutler Missing Wide Open Receivers

The Gaines Adams Trade

Not Getting the Real Jay Cutler

Lovie Smith Showing He Knows Nothing About Defense

Jay Cutler’s Leadership

Also, the off-season has gotten off to a stellar start with nobody wanting to be a coordinator for the Bears. On offense, they are going after a bunch of people with no proven track record, and none of them will even consider the position. Meanwhile, the one person with a proven track record of always having great offenses, Mike Martz, is practically begging for the job, and the Bears refuse to give him an interview.

But back to Jay Cutler. He sucks. The guy has never won. He didn’t win in college; he didn’t win for the Broncos. He is a loser. He has a very strong arm, and people really get excited about that, but he can’t read a defense to save his life (I’m not sure if he could read a book to save his life either).

Most people have jumped on board with the Jay Cutler Sucks Bandwagon, but there are still those people that feel he just needs a #1 Receiver to be great. I have great news for those people, the Bears first round pick this year is currently projected to select: Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State. Dez Bryant is arguably the best receiver to come out of college since Calvin Johnson, as most scouts prefer him over last year’s top wide receiver, Michael Crabtree. Holy shit, that’s awesome news for the Bears, but, what? Wait a minute. Oh, that’s right; they gave that pick to the Broncos.

My personal plan would be for the Bears to blow everything up and get rid of everyone. Trade every valuable player they have for future draft picks, and I would prefer to not even get 2010 or 2011 draft picks, I want them to look into 2012 and 2013, because this team is going to suck for a while, so the key is to focus on 2014 and beyond. What many people don’t realize about the salary cap is that it also creates a salary floor, and since there will be no cap this year, the Bears could technically go down to a $60 million dollar payroll if they wanted (This year’s salary floor was 112.1 million). This would be awesome, but there is no way that Jerry Angelo would do this, because even as cheap as Bears’ ownership is, they won’t stand for the team to be Detroit Lions bad.

My realistic plan would be to first try to sign Brandon Marshall as a restricted free agent. He is clashing with McDaniels, so there’s a chance the Bears could get him for just a first rounder or just a second rounder, but even if they gave up a first and a third, the plan still works. Get Marshall at all costs. Put a clause in there that if he plays 6 or more of his games at above 5,000 feet above sea level, then his contract becomes guaranteed which means the Broncos won’t even have the choice of matching it.

Next, trade for a bunch of 6^th and 7^th round picks for these next two drafts. Preferably, I would like the Bears drafting somewhere between 8-10 times in the final two rounds. The NFL could easily go to a 12 round draft and teams would happily be selecting quality players with those picks. I want the Bears to strictly draft offensive linemen with these picks. People are really piss poor at scouting linemen, so there are always quality guys in later rounds that end up making multiple pro bowls. If the Bears find two starters, then they’ve done well with their picks as far as I’m concerned (Also, depending on the level of tender, Jammal Brown of New Orleans might be a good restricted free agent to get as he has been out for the year and replaced by Jermon Bushrod who is cheap and has been very solid this year. If it’s a second round tender, then they should definitely go for it).

I don’t think the defense is nearly as bad as they played this year, but they aren’t too good either. As long as Hunter Hillenmeyer doesn’t play, they are guaranteed to look better. If they can stay healthy and get a run stopping defensive tackle. This class is extremely deep in defensive tackles, and some good ones should fall to the second round, oh wait, the Bears traded their second round pick for Gaines Adams. Nice job, Bears. Nobody great is going to be there in the third, but the Bears do a good job of finding quality cornerbacks late, so maybe they can snag a quality guy there. The Bears should also abandon the Cover-2, and hire somebody from Baltimore, Philly, New Orleans, or the Jets and go blitz crazy on people. They don’t have the talent to get pressure with a straight up defense anymore, so they need to start to scheme any way that they can.

They would not have a dynasty with these changes. Nowhere near it. But they would have a rich man’s Jake Delhomme in Jay Cutler, and the Panthers managed to make a Super Bowl by having Delhomme strictly throw to Steve Smith, maybe the Bears can do the same when reuniting Marshall and Cutler.

Will the Bears do any of these things? Probably not. Will they suck for the next four years? Probably. Don’t worry Bears fans, 2014 is just around the corner.

-Joe

P.S. If they decide to sign John David Booty, they could definitely have themselves a dynasty. For anyone not familiar, JDB played varsity football in SEVENTH GRADE. I think the only other people to do that were Shane Falco and Willie Beamon. Hence, a recipe for success.

P.P.S. Draft Edds and Angerer too.

P.P.P.S. I almost titled this EmBEARassing.