Monday, February 27, 2012

Jose Canseco Is The Next Great...Entrepreneur?

Just call Jose Canseco butter, because he is on a Twitter roll. He asks to play baseball again, and boom, he's on a Mexican League team immediately, and that team just happens to play its home games in Cancun. Have you ever seen the documentary, The Real Cancun? It is easily the greatest thing that MTV has ever done. 

Anyway, Jose went on another Twitter tirade recently, and eventually came up with the greatest business idea in the history of commerce. But as great as the idea is, it's the journey that got him there that makes this so special.
It is no wonder I like The Ultimate Warrior and Jose Canseco, because Warrior has claimed that nightmares are the best part of his day. Maybe I subconsciously love nightmares. How is this idea going to make him money? It isn't, but it helps get us on the path to straight cash, homey.
Yes, Jose has gone from nightmares to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Actually, thinking again about that movie, it's not as far as a leap as I initially thought. But, Jose is a happy guy, so let's take a happy journey through that crazed head of his. Willy Wonka isn't the best movie to think about, as this is much more of a Being John Malkovich moment.

Great idea I had when reading these tweets is that Jose Canseco should have a musical made about his life. There are happy tunes, sad tunes, and honestly, probably some really weird tunes along with it. Not only will Jose show you his entrepreneuring abilities, but he has even inspired me to be an entrepreneur myself. Jose, tweet at me, bro. We can make this musical thing happen. How will we get the funding? Well, I think you already have the money making idea to make our dreams come true.
YES! A hug store is a great idea, and there is nobody better to open it up than you, Jose Canseco. This is the idea that will make you the world's next great entrepreneur. There is a desire for hugs, but nobody to deliver them in a convenient place. It's a great idea, Jose, but you must focus. Do not let anything else take your attention from the world's greatest idea. Are we on the same page?
God damnit.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Jose Canseco And The Power Of Twitter

Jose Canseco loves Twitter. Although he will take extended breaks here and there. He always comes back to it, because those two were made for each other. Twitter uses Jose for cheap entertainment, and usually it's a one-way game where Jose continues to give and give, but things changed recently. Jose used Twitter and went from being unemployed to being paid to play baseball in one of the best party cities in North America. How did this all happen? Let's go through things.

Jose shared his dream of playing baseball again, hoping the Twitter world would notice and he could get back in the game that he loves. But instead of just hoping it would happen, he decided to spice things up to make sure that people would notice.

This is another amazing tweet from an amazing man. Jose Canseco fights for two things in this world. The first is the truth, which seems pretty reasonable. The second is the right to play baseball, something that I do not remember was a great struggle for revolutionaries throughout history. I don't think anyone is stopping Jose from playing baseball, but it would be quite a scene to see him at an old sandlot diamond and people chasing him off, as they said they didn't want his kind around here. He would assume it was for steroids, but in that small town, they probably just hate people who were on The Surreal Life and/or Celebrity Apprentice.


Jose takes it to the extreme, by saying life isn't worth living if you can't try difficult things, followed by saying that baseball is difficult. Ipso facto, if you do not let Jose play baseball, you are basically committing murder.

This isn't an interesting tweet, because Jose has about a thousand that talk about haters, but it became interesting when he followed it with this tweet.

I was so terrified to find out what his "baby chapstick" meant. It's not just me, baby chapstick could mean his dick, right? I mean, it's extremely self-deprecating, because chapstick is small enough, so baby chapstick is just sad. I reluctantly found out what it meant, and was very pleased that it was just his dog. And if you're asking what this has to do with getting him back in baseball. Hell, I don't know, but sure enough, the next day he drops this bomb.

And that's all it took. Just insinuate that you'll kill yourself if you don't get something, give your dog a name that could also describe your penis, post a picture, and boom, you're playing baseball again. Not only that, Jose is going to be playing for a team based in Cancun. Outside of trying to cheat on his girlfriend with college coeds on spring break, what will Jose be doing?

Um, who wants to be the bad guy? Anybody? Well, I guess I'll do it. As far as I know, there really aren't Mayans anymore, so I hope you aren't counting on hanging out with them on your journey. Little known fact about the Mayans, they aren't around anymore because the Spaniards took away their right to play baseball. Huge ritualistic suicide after they all wrote in their diaries how hard life is. Tough break.

But thanks to Twitter, suicide threats, and small dogs named after small dongs, Jose Canseco is back in baseball. Best of luck, Jose.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Views On The Bachelor - Emily Is On The Market

A couple weeks ago, my girl Jamie was eliminated from The Bachelor. This saddened me to such a degree that I decided to write about it and let the world know that I started watching The Bachelor and very much enjoy the show. I get to look at attractive broads and live every bit of their drama with them. But as I stated before, I'm a catch, so when I watch a dating show, I have a responsibility to pick multiple women.

Hence, there was Emily. Sweet, sweet, Emily. Also, she loves to "drop it like it's hot" on the dance floor, so she could definitely hold her own with West Coast Dancing. No way could Ben be stupid enough to eliminate both my girls in back to back weeks. But alas, Ben's stupidity knows no bounds, and he eliminated fair Emily on the episode last week.
Emily's got it going on. Beauty, brains (getting her Ph.D.), and butt stuff (dancing), but the main reason that Emily stands over other bachelorettes is that she loves to rap. A hot chick who likes to bust rhymes, sign me up.
Anybody who can put epidemiologist in a rap is a keeper. Shit, considering most of the girls I have seduced in the past, a girl that could pronounce epidemiologist would have been a keeper.

Why did Ben eliminate her? I have no clue. There was no signs that this was going to happen, so I will stick with my original theory that Ben is very gay and a few of the girls are packing heat downstairs. That is the only logical reason to get rid of a girl like, Emily, and keep a girl, like the evil, manipulative, Courtney. God, I hate Courtney. Her nose is too small for her face, and when she got the final rose over Emily, this happened:
In the words of my rapping buddy, Peck, "Fuck that bitch."

But don't worry, Em, I'm here for you. You and Jamie are still the girl(s) for me.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I Love You, Internet

I just moved to a new place, and the first week was awful. Not just for having to move shit in, but also because I did not have the Internet hooked up yet. Last night, it was finally hooked up. My life is much better for it. There should be a decent amount of posts over this week, because I have a lot of things to catch up on, including The Bachelor, Jose Canseco, and my favorite co-worker.

Really, all I wanted to say is I missed you, Internet, and please don't leave me baby. You complete me. I love you.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Views On The Bachelor - I'll Miss You Jamie


For the first time ever, I am watching a season of The Bachelor. Not gonna lie, I love it. I’m 100% in on this show as there is rarely a dull moment. At the beginning of the season, I picked two girls (because one is never enough) in Jamie and Emily. I'll admit it; I root for these girls. I enjoy seeing them on Monday nights.
Jamie is about as cute as it gets. She is 25, a registered nurse (that's right, a REGISTERED nurse), has zero tattoos, and her favorite moment from her childhood is shocking her sixth grade teacher when she could state all four chambers of the heart. That's literally the cutest favorite childhood memory in the history of childhood experiences. Clearly, Ben The Bachelor could not possibly be stupid enough to eliminate her.

But on this past episode, I learned a valuable lesson: Never doubt Ben The Bachelor's stupidity, as he got rid of Jamie on Monday night. Some would say that this makes this post late, since she’s already gone. Quite the contrary, now that she’s gone, she’s officially on the market. And as cute as Jamie is, she is AWKWARD, as she showed on this past episode. She finally decided to step up her game, and uh, it did not go so well for her. She tried to straddle the bachelor, ripped her dress, made out with him, critiqued his make out style, and proceeded to give him directions on how to kiss her. Most people watching found it painfully awkward, I found it delightfully awkward.

I would have loved to have been in Ben's position for this, because I have a lifetime of experience handling awkward girls. The best thing to do when a girl is being awkward is to laugh right in their face. It will make them incredibly self-conscious, and they will want to prove that they are not as awkward as they just showed. She will be eager to please. That means that I just got a one way flight to Pleasuretown without the time-consuming flight back to Pleasurehertown. Awkward girls are the best.

Unfortunately, Ben is a big douche, and his response was to giggle like a child, and then eliminate her from the show.

With Jamie gone, I am fully on board with Team Emily. But I'll get to her when the time comes.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Bulls And Dwight Howard

I was reading Bill Simmons latest column on Grantland, and he brought up the possible trade of Dwight Howard to the Bulls. There is nothing close to happening, but most believe that it would involve Joakim Noah, Omer Asik, and Taj Gibson. Does that trade make sense? Absolutely. Rose, Rip, Deng, Booz, and Howard would give the Bulls the best starting five in the league. The bench would be weakened, but it would still be solid. It logically makes sense, but it still makes me feel gross. Here’s the thing, I don’t want to lose Joakim Noah; I love Joakim Noah. I don’t want to lose Taj or Omer either, because I love those guys too. And yet, I should be willing to drop them like a bad habit in order to get Dwight Howard? Do I love Dwight Howard? Hell no. He’s just some dude who’s really, really, really great at playing basketball. Yet here I am, ready to sell out three guys I love watching play for a better chance at a title.

So I’m taking a stand. The Bulls don’t need Dwight Howard, and in fact, if I have to give up those three guys, I don’t even want him. I’d rather see the Bulls win with the guys they have as opposed to winning it with Howard. Plus the thought of Scalabrine playing meaningful minutes in the playoffs is a little too hipster for my likings.

I love the Bulls just the way they are, but if they could get Tyrus Thomas back, I certainly wouldn't oppose it.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

It's Great To Have A Girlfriend


Last night I had some work to do, and my girlfriend had places she needed to be.
She decided that we could just spend the night apart.
I knew she would probably be out late.
I told my girlfriend I needed to see her.
She thought it was because I wanted to spend time with her.
I had ulterior motives.
She decided that she had a great boyfriend and she'd just meet me at her place when she was done.
I really just want to go over to her place to watch the Monday Night Raw that was DVR'd.
My plan worked to perfection.

This is why it is great to have a girlfriend.

I really hope she doesn't read this.