Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Suits Power Rankings - Bad Faith

Things ended on a high note for Pearson Darby Specter, as they saved a woman from a murder charge and found a way out of their merger. But this week, ain't no way that Darby is going down without a fight. And in this fight, there are, oh, so many sports references. With Scotty coming back, it was a Harold appearance away from being specifically designed for me. Check out last week's rankings here, and now onto the fun.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is pumped to be a part of the big mission, even though they still won't adopt the badger as the firm's official mascot. He thought he was as cool as a cucumber, but he screws everything up once Mikado is brought up. But then, with help from Katrina, he comes up with the most brilliant plan ever. He's too small of a fish to get the thing done, but he goes to the whale, Harvey, and they head to the end zone, together. Louis is number one this week, because this is as high as he could ever hope to be. For the first time in months, he wasn't thinking about Mikado. He was just thinking about how he just "Litt Up" Edward Darby. He's got an assistant that admires him, Harvey respects him, and he just made a birdie in the 9th inning when all he needed was a goal, but he scored a touchdown.

2. Harvey Specter - Charming Donna with handbags. Harvey was zinging Louis hard by being dismissive to his face, but he did it as a sign of respect. He also never watches Miss America, but he does celebrate with the winner. For normal guys, that means they would buy her drinks. For Harvey, it means he allows her to buy drinks for him. Harvey did something nice for Scottie, and Harvey believed that Scottie strapped on a dildo and went to town on that ass. Instead, it was Ava Hessington pulling the ol' switcheroo to go to pound town on Pearson Darby Specter. Still, Harvey got Tony G to sign with them, because dinner with Michael Jordan closes any deal.

3. Katrina Bennett - Katrina had one job, to cool the beast, and she failed miserably in the negotiations. To make up for it, she got him a mug and a copyright. But she also gave Louis a plan to get all they wanted and more back in their side of the company. Despite her early folly, she more than made up for it and helped Louis reach his dream.

4. Mike Ross - Mike starts off by getting after it with Rachel. Also drinking coconut water for hydration. Mike wants Rachel to move in at his grandma's place. It's cool though, Grandma's dead, so they can sex anytime they want. Mike also plays the Rachel card with her Dad, and good luck getting Mr. Zane to pay for the wedding now, ya idiot. But his girlfriend might be moving across the country to not have to move in with him, so something tells me that things aren't as good as they seem in the bedroom.

5. Rachel Zane - Doesn't stand for people putting coffee mugs on the wrong side of the sink. That is a girl after my own heart. She is not happy to be used as a pawn in a negotiation, but she is happy to be accepted into Stanford, because now Andrew Luck might finally start answering her fan mail.

6. Donna Paulsen - NEW HANDBAGS, YA'LL.

7. Tony Giannopoulos - Taking his private jet to dinner with Michael Jordan. Tony G believes that Giannis Antetokounmpo could be even better than Jordan. I gotta hand it to him, the man has national pride.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is a huge Tony Sparano fan, so she wants to run the wildcat in negotiations like they are the 2010 Miami Dolphins. This means Louis will be Chad Pennington, but he will be split outside. Harvey is Ronnie Brown receiving the snap. Mike will be Ricky Williams, obviously. Katrina is Brandon Marshall, frustrated by being a decoy, Donna is Davone Bess, because she's a threat in the open field, and Rachel is Jake Long, because all she wants to do is plow. Oh god, Jessica, this is not the dream team that you were hoping for. Her only hope is that Edward Darby is the Tom Cable of this analogy, and they can beat the Raiders 33-17.

9. Dana Scott - Dana Scott, looking hot and putting Harvey in his place. Unfortunately, Harvey beat her in bad faith, and she uses the sympathy (sex) card to try to get him to go back on his work with Folsom Foods. Then Harvey ends up screwing her even worse, and she tries to tell him to stop, but Harvey doesn't like talking, so he screws her thoroughly before they realize that they're both screwed. Scotty, if I ever get put into this fictional world, I promise to treat you like the princess that you are.

10. Nigel Nesbitt - Played Louis like a fiddle and ruined the bad faith negotiations that Harvey and Jessica were trying to pull off. Then he floats back to England, probably to play with a doll collection, because that guy just looks like he still plays pretend with various dolls while Mikado gives instructions.

11. Mrs. Zane - The wet blanket of this whole episode. Just let your daughter be happy, ya old hag.

12. Robert Zane - He's a dick, but he loves his daughter, so he's willing to make settlements. And he appreciates that Mike has balls. Mr. Zane likes balls.

13. Mikado - Never heard the letters that Louis wrote; now poops while facing New York.


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