Suits Power Rankings - Enough is Enough

Another season of Suits is upon us (or second half of a season, it's tough to keep track), and as we enter this time, I think about what I like so much about Suits. Some people really like the lawyerin', and I have to admit there is some darn good lawyerin' going on. They basically never lose a case. Some people like it for the good looking people, and I have to admit, there are some pretty foxy ladies and some pretty fly dudes on this show. But for me, it's the side characters that make this show. Remember HARDMAN? HARDMAN was my jam. And then there's Scotty. She basically combined those three great things about the show in one single petite package, and Harvey is an idiot for letting her go. Finally, there's Harold. I loved Harold. I love Harold. I will never stop loving Harold. The bad news about this episode is there is an extreme lack of side characters, the good news is that one of the above people is mentioned and another shows up, and I hope that special princess never leaves us again (Weirdly, I could be talking about Scotty or Harold). Anyway, let's get on to the rankings.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis finally has what he has always wanted: Name Partner. But Louis is finding out that it's lonely at the top, especially when you shit all over everyone who you were once friends with, because they wouldn't tell you their secrets. He wants to throw everyone in the garbage instead of opening his heart and letting the love inside. He got to shit on Mike for a while, but that wasn't good enough so he started shitting on Rachel to really stick it to Mike. That's just good lawyerin' on Louis's part as you have to attack your opponent's weakness. He was even nasty to Donna. Poor Donna, who has genuine affection for Louis has been shut out. That is still the relationship with the most hope as Donna told Louis that she had sex with Harvey once, which apparently is a question Louis wanted an answer to? Hey, nobody ever said Louis was an easy guy to explain. 

Also, he acts like a dick when getting announced as Name Partner. Why? Because he can. That's the best part of being a name partner. It's a real pain to change a firm's name. I mean, it's not like the place has a history of kicking out name partners...oh yeah, Pearson HARDMAN. Well, like they always say, history never repeats itself. Aw, crap; it's the opposite? Well, I'm sure everything will still work out for Louis despite him signing a document that says he should go to jail if anyone ever finds out about Mike Ross. 

2. Rachel Zane - Yes, Rachel did get lambasted by Louis, but she got her bae to take care of things. And when she wanted to get something done, she got the job done. She did a ton of paperwork, which isn't all that impressive. But she also got Katrina Bennett a job with her father. And most importantly, she got freaky on company time. Those are billable hours, which might make her a prostitute, but I will always respect the world's oldest profession as it shows good hustle.

3. Robert Zane - Zane is being set up as the big bad guy this season. He knows something is up at Pearson Specter Litt, but he isn't going to say anything? Yeah, I doubt that, especially when the thing that is up involves his daughter's bae. Outside of that, all we know is he loves to say "Come onnn" in a less rapey Bill Cosby sort of way.

4. Dana Scott - "SCOTTY IS BACK!" was the first thing that popped in my head when Harvey went to meet with her. And before I knew it, she was gone again leaving nothing behind but a promise to settle with Robert Zane. We'll miss you, Sweet Princess. Godspeed.

5. Jeff Malone - He knows that something is up. He hasn't seen a team this chaotic since that 88-89 Washington Bullets team that failed to make the playoffs despite his 24.6 points per game. He wants the truth from his lady, and even though she admitted to some shady dealings from her past, Jeff is still suspicious, like he's watching a magician levitate.

6. Katrina Amanda Bennett - Katrina was promised a job at Pearson Specter Litt, but she might have a job with Robert Zane. So I don't really know what she has going on, but it seems promising that she has some sort of job. As a frequently unemployed person, I feel good that she has a job. New York is expensive.

7. Harvey Specter - It was a pretty sad weak for Harvey. Even his inspirational story didn't quite make sense. He talked about how the conditioning drills were designed to break him, and he broke every day, but he never quit. Um...then the drills didn't break you. To break you, you would have had to quit. That's the essence of breaking someone. He then has to convince Scotty to settle her case as a favor to Robert Zane. He gets what he wants, but it's pretty clear that him and Scotty are never getting back together. Since Harvey is a single guy and he really wants to put Louis in his place, isn't the next move obvious? He MUST make a sex tape with Sheila Sass and show it at the next board meeting. Until he does that (or something else as awesome), he's going to have a hard time reaching the top of these rankings.

8. Jessica Pearson - For the lead dog at the firm, she sure seems to have to pick up a lot more shit than she leaves around the place. Louis gives her two big scoops of shit, and even though he is forced to ask like a civilized person in the end, it doesn't really make up for all the crap that Jessica had to take. Even Mike shit on her when she tried to make him do extra work. Also, she hired nearly an entire firm of dumb lawyers. Robert Zane heard about things from the outside and knew that something funky was going down at the firm, yet the only person not in the inner circle that suspected anything was Jeff Malone.  She is forced to tell a truth to her bae, but not the truth to her bae. As we know, lies to significant others never eventually blow up in people's faces.

9. Mike Ross - Mike was able to get Rachel to fall in love with him, but Louis is proving to be the muse that is beyond his charm. Luckily, the stress has helped him grow a pair of balls, so he stopped taking shit from Jessica for being a lawyer without a law degree. Unfortunately, his heroic effort to stick up for his lady just led to Louis putting him in his place as opposed to any change. He played by the rules, and even though Louis can no longer abuse him, I still can't put him high in these rankings.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna tries to save her friendship with Louis by weirdly letting him into her sexual life, but luckily, not into her sexually. Donna is so wise, yet she does not understand that friendships with the opposite sex rarely survive as there is always one half that wants to have sex with the other. Again, I just want Donna to get a boyfriend. She deserves to find love.

Suits Power Rankings - Bad Faith

Things ended on a high note for Pearson Darby Specter, as they saved a woman from a murder charge and found a way out of their merger. But this week, ain't no way that Darby is going down without a fight. And in this fight, there are, oh, so many sports references. With Scotty coming back, it was a Harold appearance away from being specifically designed for me. Check out last week's rankings here, and now onto the fun.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is pumped to be a part of the big mission, even though they still won't adopt the badger as the firm's official mascot. He thought he was as cool as a cucumber, but he screws everything up once Mikado is brought up. But then, with help from Katrina, he comes up with the most brilliant plan ever. He's too small of a fish to get the thing done, but he goes to the whale, Harvey, and they head to the end zone, together. Louis is number one this week, because this is as high as he could ever hope to be. For the first time in months, he wasn't thinking about Mikado. He was just thinking about how he just "Litt Up" Edward Darby. He's got an assistant that admires him, Harvey respects him, and he just made a birdie in the 9th inning when all he needed was a goal, but he scored a touchdown.

2. Harvey Specter - Charming Donna with handbags. Harvey was zinging Louis hard by being dismissive to his face, but he did it as a sign of respect. He also never watches Miss America, but he does celebrate with the winner. For normal guys, that means they would buy her drinks. For Harvey, it means he allows her to buy drinks for him. Harvey did something nice for Scottie, and Harvey believed that Scottie strapped on a dildo and went to town on that ass. Instead, it was Ava Hessington pulling the ol' switcheroo to go to pound town on Pearson Darby Specter. Still, Harvey got Tony G to sign with them, because dinner with Michael Jordan closes any deal.

3. Katrina Bennett - Katrina had one job, to cool the beast, and she failed miserably in the negotiations. To make up for it, she got him a mug and a copyright. But she also gave Louis a plan to get all they wanted and more back in their side of the company. Despite her early folly, she more than made up for it and helped Louis reach his dream.

4. Mike Ross - Mike starts off by getting after it with Rachel. Also drinking coconut water for hydration. Mike wants Rachel to move in at his grandma's place. It's cool though, Grandma's dead, so they can sex anytime they want. Mike also plays the Rachel card with her Dad, and good luck getting Mr. Zane to pay for the wedding now, ya idiot. But his girlfriend might be moving across the country to not have to move in with him, so something tells me that things aren't as good as they seem in the bedroom.

5. Rachel Zane - Doesn't stand for people putting coffee mugs on the wrong side of the sink. That is a girl after my own heart. She is not happy to be used as a pawn in a negotiation, but she is happy to be accepted into Stanford, because now Andrew Luck might finally start answering her fan mail.

6. Donna Paulsen - NEW HANDBAGS, YA'LL.

7. Tony Giannopoulos - Taking his private jet to dinner with Michael Jordan. Tony G believes that Giannis Antetokounmpo could be even better than Jordan. I gotta hand it to him, the man has national pride.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is a huge Tony Sparano fan, so she wants to run the wildcat in negotiations like they are the 2010 Miami Dolphins. This means Louis will be Chad Pennington, but he will be split outside. Harvey is Ronnie Brown receiving the snap. Mike will be Ricky Williams, obviously. Katrina is Brandon Marshall, frustrated by being a decoy, Donna is Davone Bess, because she's a threat in the open field, and Rachel is Jake Long, because all she wants to do is plow. Oh god, Jessica, this is not the dream team that you were hoping for. Her only hope is that Edward Darby is the Tom Cable of this analogy, and they can beat the Raiders 33-17.

9. Dana Scott - Dana Scott, looking hot and putting Harvey in his place. Unfortunately, Harvey beat her in bad faith, and she uses the sympathy (sex) card to try to get him to go back on his work with Folsom Foods. Then Harvey ends up screwing her even worse, and she tries to tell him to stop, but Harvey doesn't like talking, so he screws her thoroughly before they realize that they're both screwed. Scotty, if I ever get put into this fictional world, I promise to treat you like the princess that you are.

10. Nigel Nesbitt - Played Louis like a fiddle and ruined the bad faith negotiations that Harvey and Jessica were trying to pull off. Then he floats back to England, probably to play with a doll collection, because that guy just looks like he still plays pretend with various dolls while Mikado gives instructions.

11. Mrs. Zane - The wet blanket of this whole episode. Just let your daughter be happy, ya old hag.

12. Robert Zane - He's a dick, but he loves his daughter, so he's willing to make settlements. And he appreciates that Mike has balls. Mr. Zane likes balls.

13. Mikado - Never heard the letters that Louis wrote; now poops while facing New York.

Suits Power Rankings - Shadow of a Doubt

When we last left Pearson Darby, Jessica was sticking it to Darby by screwing over Ava Hessington. Harvey was pissed about that, and Donna was number one, because she was getting hers and not giving a shit about anything else. This episode brought on a whole new set of problems, the question is whether they could come up with enough solutions to make everything work out in the end. Check out last week's rankings here, now onto the longest (and strongest) rankings we have ever had:

1. Jessica Pearson - She takes a shopping day, because Harvey lost them a ton of money. God, it must be awesome to be the boss. But she does come back that night, probably because her Wifi at home is a little spotty and ends up coming up with a solution to all of Harvey's problems. She then convinces Ava to take the deal by implying that they would go back on the deal they are making with Tony G and never actually sell him the shares of the company. It appears as though she has helped Harvey give her the boot, but then she then makes a real power move by changing the name of the company to Pearson Darby Specter. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the authority to do that, because it would really be Darby's call, but it still may be enough for Harvey to remain on her side and not take over her job. She had a nice shopping day, won a case, and may have subverted plans for her ouster with her and Harvey back on the same side. Nice job, Jessica.

2. Tony Giannopoulos - Louis tries to get a hold of him, and he doesn't even bother being in the country. Harvey goes after him, and he gets a face to face with him. This man knows who deserves respect. Still, it's a pretty baller move to burn $50K to make a point. Money don't mean shit to this guy. If he sets $50K on fire, imagine what he wipes his ass with. Have you ever had a million dollars between your butt cheeks? I bet it's immaculate. He's selling off all of his Hessington Oil stock to stick it to them, and he bought a bunch of companies just so they could fire Pearson Darby as their lawyers. This man don't care. And it pays off as Ava agrees to sell him her shares of the company, so she can remain in control. He got what he wanted originally while getting to stick it to Pearson Darby a little for extra fun. BALLIN!

3. Harvey Specter - Let me make this clear. Usually, third would be an awful showing for Harvey, but he actually had a great week, which just shows you how strong the top two were this week. Harvey made fun of Cameron's mustache, because Cameron made fun of Mike Ross. Only Harvey can make fun of Mike, you son of a bitch. Harvey isn't even going to let things go to trial by suing Tony Giannopoulos. Then Huntley tries to go after Tony G's family, and Harvey fires him from the case, because America has dominated the British since the Revolutionary War, and there's no reason to stop now. He then goes to Jessica, because USA all the way and they put Cameron on the defensive by not allowing him to use the tape as evidence, so he pretty much has no case. Harvey also gets what he wants and Jessica makes him a name partner with Pearson Darby Specter.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna's getting her freak on while getting her work done. Donna told Harvey about her getting her freak on, and Harvey didn't care, which she seemed a little disappointed about. She then got mad at Stephen for making things complicated, but she needs that good lovin' so she can get her glow back, so they may just extend their arrangement.

5. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis can tell when ladies are glowing; he just has no idea they had sex. Louis loses his power over associates and thinks he hates Nigel, but then he realizes that Nigel is still meant to be his best friend, because they both love cats and cats love Louis. Louis then gets to catsit for Nigel, and the cat is a real bastard, but Louis loves every second of it. Cat people are the worst, but he had that Donna glow after a night with Mikado.

6.Mikado - An asshole cat that everybody loves for some reason. If I were a cat, I'd be Mikado, although I only poop with my back to London, so I can imagine us shitting on the British yet again.

7. Mike Ross - Mike comes up with the strategy to get Cameron kicked off the case for sharing information with Ava's main competitor. Then poor Mike gets kicked off the case, but he takes his own case and gets his play thing to be his assistant. He makes buddies with Mr. Zane, because Mike's parents died and they both like potatoes. That's pretty much the extent to their connection. He uses his fight with Rachel to get Stanton's new wife to give them back the money. He then makes up with Rachel, because you can't fight the moonlight.

8. Rachel Zane - Rachel is back to last week's shenanigans and is all about getting gossip, since her and Mike are no longer the hottest couple at Pearson Darby. But she is going to try regain their spot as top hot couple by letting Mike be Harvey and her be Mike, which basically sounds like the worst roleplay game ever. She also doesn't want Mike to meet her family, because he's a liar, although it may be because he's white, and her father probably wants her to be with an ethnic man. But since she loves him, she will allow him to meet her parents. That, of course, blew up in her face, because Mike finds out that she is thinking about going to Stanford, which could ruin their relationship. Still, they love each other, and as her mother tells her, love conquers all, outside of murder.

9. Stephen Huntley - He gets Mike kicked off the Ava Hessington case by betting $10K that he has better ideas than Harvey. He wins it, because he realizes that in England, the burden of proof is on the defendant instead of on the prosecution, which makes it way easier for them to win the case. But is that really a better idea? It's basically the same idea, slightly tweaked. That's like an editor correcting the spelling of a word in a book and claiming they wrote it. He then goes after Tony G's daughter, because...um, I'm not even sure if he knows why.

10. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Ruining the associates to mess with Louis. He then invades Louis's private club so he can take a mud bath. Nigel is shocked at how smooth of a ladies man Louis is with cats. He needs to recognize that just because someone strikes out with ladies doesn't mean they can't charm the pants off of felines. He is quite bummed that he has to leave Mikado behind as he goes to Hong Kong. Still, his cat is in good care with Louis.

11. Mrs. Zane - Robert seems like the tough one, but Mrs. Zane can put him in his place. She also lets Rachel know that love conquers all.

12. Ava Hessington - Ava is pissed, because she lost her company, and now her stock is going down, because Tony G has more money than he knows what to do with. She is going to sell her stocks to Tony G in order to remain in charge of her company and to protect her from those pesky murder charges that keep popping up.

13. Miss Clark Mrs. Stanton - She's sleeping with Graham, so she doesn't think that he could have stolen from the company. She then leverages this whole ordeal into a marriage, but she loses him $30 million, so whoopsies there.

14. Simon - Learned a valuable lesson, because at Pearson Darby, they don't shall. They must, because they thrust; they don't parry.

15. Cameron Dennis - Cameron hates to drive down bullshit highway. But he will cruise down Sharing Incriminating Tapes With Corporate Pirates Cul-de-sac. Unfortunately, he may have to take a stroll down One in a Million Lane to win this case. Still, I bet he picks up a lot of ladies by inviting them to Mustache Ride Court. It's a court, because once you go down that road, there are no outlets, baby.

16. Robert Zane - All this man wants is potatoes and a smoothie that tastes good. Is that so much to ask? He also assumes that if someone says their parents are dead, they must be just messing with him, because in Robbie Z's world, parents never die. He also spilled the beans on Rachel applying to Stanford, because this guy just can't stop putting his foot in his mouth. No wonder Rachel was worried about him talking to Mike.

17. Graham Stanton - Stole $30 million and only bagged a secretary out of the deal. Then he was forced into marriage, meaning he did all that work to steal $30 million, but is only going to get $15 million, probably less, because, as they say, "Women be shoppin." In the end, he loses all $30 million, because "Women be scared of five years in prison," know what I'm sayin? Sorry, Graham. You made a power move by marrying Miss Clark to keep your money, but then you lost the money anyway, and you're stuck in a marriage that was built around keeping $30 million that you lost. Congratulations, your week was somehow worse than the guy who made fun of a guy's dead parents.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 4 - He's Back

Another day, another dollar, as Pearson Hardman hollers at the world. Shit hit the fan this week with the return of my personal favorite character, Daniel Hardman. This man is pure scumbag, and I love it. This man plays by his own rules, and last night was no exception. He interacted with everyone at Pearson Hardman and came out on top each and every time. Crap, I'm already getting into too many details. Anyway, here are last week's rankings. Now onto the Suits rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Daniel Hardman - As if there was any doubt on who would be number one. HARDMAN comes out with guns ablaze and turns the Folsom Foods trial into a subpoena against Pearson Hardman for firing his bangpiece. You don't fire a man's bangpiece without consequences. HARDMAN is a step ahead of them at every turn, and it was maybe the most impressive ownage in the show's history. That confidentiality agreement working for HARDMAN is fantastic. But the fact that he doesn't care whether his client wins or they break the confidentiality agreement doesn't matter to him, because he wins either way which is the definition of a lawyer playing by his own rules. HARDMAN dropped the hammer on Jessica, when he told her that Jessica was "younger than her, prettier than her, and sexually active at a child bearing age." That is just such a brilliantly dick move. It's amazing that Jessica Pearson ever rose up through the company, because HARDMAN straight owned her.

2. Mike Ross - Wrote such a good case that HARDMAN took it word for word, so he's got that going for him. He led a deposition and got owned by HARDMAN. But he was able to get a settlement from Monica, and he did it by meeting with her over and over without her lawyer present. He knows he shouldn't be doing that, but he still does, which gives him extra points for playing by his own rules.

3. Robert Zane - He is racist as shit when it comes to football as he believes that the negroes play the defensive line and the honkeys play the offensive line. I don't even know if he had a point to make. I feel like he was just trying to make white people uncomfortable, but didn't realize that there were no white people around, so he was just kind of exposing his own pointless racism. But pointless racism is totally playing by your own rules, so bonus points for that. In other news, he can get a ton of information disparaging HARDMAN, but he still likes the guy. For some reason, nobody at Pearson Hardman has thought to have his daughter explain what a scumbag Danny Boy is.

4. Harvey Specter - Harvey loses a couple spots, because he really put it on himself to go head-to-head with HARDMAN and got his ass handed to him. It's like Clyde Drexler trying to take on Michael Jordan. Sure, Drexler was great, but he always looked worse when he had to go against the best. Harvey wants to crush HARDMAN but was crushed when HARDMAN knew that he tried to become partner and got denied. Harvey tries to get a closed hearing, but then finds out that HARDMAN has already covered that avenue. Harvey acts reasonable throughout and decides they should settle, because HARDMAN has been one step ahead of them at every turn.

5. Monica Eaton - Noted bangpiece. Not a lot of lawyerin'.

6. Louis Litt - He wants on the Monica Eaton case, because "Revenge is the best revenge." But he is totally in love with Monica. Louis was so excited that Mike led the deposition, then so sad that he was mentioned as sexually harassing Monica. So he goes into the elevator to threaten HARDMAN. Unfortunately, HARDMAN barely seemed bothered about his life being threatened. Better luck next time, Louie.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica got completely owned early on as she exposed the firm to a lawsuit by giving complete confidentiality to HARDMAN by signing the agreement after barely looking at it. That is some of the worst lawyerin' on the show. She got repeatedly owned and tried to play by her own rules only to be a failure at every turn.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's freaking out, because she's not sure if she can make it into Harvard Law School. She does the logical thing and hangs out at her Dad's house, not with him, mind you, just over there, while he watches racist football. She did finish her application, and she was the only person to ever write a good essay when applying to Harvard Law School, so she KNOWS she got in. I bet Harvard is really happy to finally read something good, because it can usually only get Stansbury rejects.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 3 - Zane vs. Zane

Well, I'm late again this week. My excuse? Um, mostly laziness. There is no other way around it. I just decided to catch up on Suits this week. People have been sending me spoilers about a Daniel HARDMAN comeback, but it's not the end result that matters, it's the road that you take to get there. This was an incredibly strong week, as there was some top notch lawyerin' all around. As always, these are the rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Robert Zane - Tells his daughter to rely on her looks, because her brains ain't gonna get her across town. That's some fatherly advice, especially on the poor broads birthday. He badgers a witness that had a lot in common with his daughter, which was some great parallelism. Then Robert calls out Harvey to try to take it from him at trial, because he's a straight up BAWSE. Then he tries to merge with Pearson Hardman, because he plays by his own rules, and I totally respect that. It looks like he's going to lose the case, so he does the only reasonable thing. He first tells his daughter that the case is over, so they can make amends and become best buds again. Then he drops it and gives it to HARDMAN. This guy literally is wiping his ass with the lawyer rule book. Congratulations, Bobby Z.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey starts off the episode with a Michael Jordan drop. They are not messing around this season with MJ drops. Harvey vows to destroy Robert Zane for lowballing them. Harvey, who hasn't run into Robert Zane since Mike Ross started, knew that Robert Zane loves his daughter enough that seeing her in the deposition will throw him off his game. I feel like there is some exclusive Facebook for top-notch lawyers where Harvey can find out this information. Michael Jordan probably runs it. Harvey tries to exploit Zane by having Rachel there, but Bobby Z don't care. Still, bringing someone's family into this is a horrible thing to do, and that is why he is so high up on this list.

3. Katrina Bennett - She wants to go toe-to-toe with Louis, so she charms his pants off. Not literally, because she's pretty hot, and Louis would jump at that. She came up with the most pathetic plan ever, as Louis got in trouble for missing court. After Louis got her back, she takes it a step further and gets him arrested for bringing in a weapon to the court room. Nice job, Kat. But it leads to her becoming best friends with Louis. I've got my eye on you two.

4. Louis Litt - Babysits Katrina, because she is incompetent compared to her peers at Pearson Hardman. Louis did a far better job of pranking her by taking her files and replacing them with pictures of him photoshopped on famous Americans. Litt knows about finances and photoshop. He's a dual-threat in the courtroom. Then Louis outdueled Donna which never happens.

5. Mike Ross - He was very respectful to Mr. Zane. Gotta get in good with Dad if you want to bang the daughter again. Mike finds out that the company has been discriminating against a ton of women, which helps out their case a ton. He then hangs out with Harvey so they can throw it in Robert Zane's face. It was some good ol' fashioned lawyerin', but a little bit too much of playing within the rules.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made fun of Harvey's hair, because her and Bobby Z have a secret lawyer language. She didn't do much else until the end, when she made Robert Zane her bitch which forced him to pull out the HARDMAN card. So...yeah, that plan backfired.

7. Daniel Hardman - He didn't even show up on the episode, but the name of HARDMAN still sends shivers down their spines. HARDMAN is going to wreak havoc, and it will be glorious.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She turned down a free lunch after her Dad implied that she was stupid, which just kind of further proved his point. But then she vowed to kick his ass in the settlement case. Instead she got really sad about her Dad's deposition and the fact that he's never been proud of her.