Tatanka Was The WWE Superstar Made For Kids

When Tatanka debuted, he was my jam. I loved Tatanka. Like, he may have been my favorite wrestler when he first came on the scene. That statement sounds insane, but looking back on that era, it really is not surprising at all. It was right around the steroid scandal, so Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior weren't around. Macho Man was more of an announcer than a wrestler, but even then, Macho Man appealed to adults more than he ever appealed to kids. Although I thought Sting was cool, I was a WWE kid, so my other options for a favorite wrestler included Lex Luger, Bret Hart, and...I don't know, Doink, I guess?

So I was a huge mark for Tatanka. He was honestly built to be a child's favorite superstar. He had some face paint, what I thought was a cool haircut, a super annoying scream that was incredibly fun to yell as a child (I'm positive that I did it thousands of times, and if I brought it up with my siblings or parents, they would likely respond with a groan), and most importantly, he psyched up when he was getting beat down. The psych up was the greatest thing from wrestling's past, because now wrestling crowds are too cynical for it to work, but seriously, there is nothing that appeals to a child more than reaching that level of invincibility.

On top of all of that, it took forever for Tatanka to lose a match. It was really easy to love Tatanka. Tatanka was a great gimmick, as it gave a kid like me everything I wanted in a pro wrestler. Looking back, he was not as great as I remember. He left a lot to be desired in the ring and never truly impressed outside of the ring either. But that's me looking at him as an adult. As a child, I can totally see why I loved the guy. It's a guy like Tatanka that makes me look back fondly at simpler times when I could just enjoy the most basic aspects of sports entertainment. So Tatanka, this one's for you...

YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYE YE YE YE YE YE YE YE!

The 3 Coolest Things About WWE's Crush

The WWE Network is built for nostalgia, and I every few episodes of Raw, I will come across that a guy that I liked way too much or didn't appreciate enough. Crush falls into the former category, as I thought Crush was really cool. When watching now, I am wondering what I thought was so cool, so I decided to break down the three coolest things about Crush in the eyes of a child.

1. Demolition
I thought Demolition was awesome, because I was a WWF kid, so although I was aware that the Road Warriors were awesome, I thought Demolition was just as cool. When looking back, Hawk and Animal actually were awesome, where Axe and Smash were kind of flabby S+M-looking perverts. Anyway, Crush joined the team towards the end, so he had a lot of built in credibility from being associated with Demolition.

2. "Brudder"
A few years later he came back as a Hawaiian who said "Brudder" a lot. I thought that this was both exotic and totally badass.

3. Kona Crush
The coolest thing as a kid is also the lamest thing as an adult. His finisher was the Kona Crush where he basically just squeezed a dude's head until they gave up. The reason this is so awesome for a kid is that kids are small and weak, so being strong enough to just squeeze a man into submission is an amazing fantasy to live vicariously through a wrestler.

After a year of being a cool Hawaiian dude who beat up Doink the Clown for being mean to kids, he "hurt" his back trying to bodyslam Yokozuna and became a Japanese sympathizer, because Macho Man didn't call to check up on him while he was recovering. He then bounced around various tag teams and various organizations over the next few years until retiring due to real back issues.

Like too many wrestling stories, he passed away in 2007 at age 43. Maybe Crush wasn't built for the modern-day cynical adult, but he was still cool by me, brudder.