Matt Riddle and Grabbing the Brass Ring

Matt Riddle might be my favorite wrestler. Picking a favorite wrestler is more difficult than picking a favorite child, because I can flow from various guys depending on what is most current on my mind, whereas picking a favorite child is easy, because I only have one. Riddle is not only a phenomenal talent in the ring, but he was incredibly nice to everyone when I met him at a show before he got signed by WWE. Maybe the most awesome thing about him is that he really doesn’t give a shit. He proved it by continually smoking weed while in the UFC, he did his own thing on the independents and bounced around as opposed to signing exclusively with one company, and now he’s in the WWE where he very freely speaks his mind.

And WWE does not seem to be a fan of that.

Riddle is outspoken, and I can totally understand how that can rub people the wrong way. As a coworker, I might find him annoying, but even though he is ungodly talented, he also must be an incredibly hard worker to be this damn good at professional wrestling. He started calling out Brock Lesnar three years before he even stepped foot inside a WWE ring. Why? More like why not. If he would have put on a t-shirt that one of his goals was to retire Jinder Mahal, he would have just been seen as a dick, because he could probably very easily do that. Go for the biggest star in the business, and worst case is that it never happens but you get people talking.

So he did that and became a very sought after free agent. New Japan came very close to bringing him out for a tour which may have sped up the WWE’s decision making on bringing him into NXT. All he has done since joining NXT is put on awesome matches and became one of the most popular guys on the roster.

Oh, and he also continued to challenge Brock Lesnar...and Goldberg, and Chris Jericho, and Lance Storm, and kind of Booker T. I think that’s everyone.

So they finally put him in the Royal Rumble match which would have made total sense if he had finally squared off against Brock Lesnar. Instead, they waited for Lesnar to be eliminated and then brought him out, only to have him eliminated in a minute by Baron Corbin. Apparently, there was an “altercation” between Lesnar and Riddle before the show, but I feel like WWE could have convinced Lesnar to take a little offense and then eliminate him in a minute. Same end for Riddle but a way more exciting moment for wrestling fans. But instead they chose to punish him by bringing him out only to have him quickly eliminated to slam on the brakes for any main roster momentum that he might have.

And this is the problem with the WWE. They want guys to take chances and risks and become stars on their own and not depend on the machine, but when a guy like Riddle actually goes out and does it, they get mad at him because he didn’t do it through the right channels. Riddle was challenging Lesnar on the indies; it was a fun thing, but it’s not like anybody expected Lesnar to invade Washington Hall at some random Defy show in front of 500 people to actually take on Matt Riddle.

So now the WWE is telling NXT stars to not call out anyone on the main rosters, just creating a Matt Riddle rule to deal with things, because the WWE knows they have a special talent in Riddle so they can’t ever release him, no matter what he does. AEW would back up a Brinks truck in order to get Riddle on their roster, and they’d have Impact, ROH, and New Japan fighting to do the same thing.

So, you have Triple H who understands he has a generational talent on his hands, and Vince McMahon who only understands that some shitstain in NXT made Brock Lesnar unhappy, so he must be buried, even though he did that by grabbing for that brass ring and getting himself over where people would talk about him in a main event light, exactly what Vince McMahon preaches for young talent to do.

Hopefully, this is just a temporary blip in his career and not a grudge that the powers-that-be hold against him for no observable reason. Living down in Florida, I would selfishly like to see him stay in NXT for much longer as getting to drive five minutes to The Minnreg Hall in Largo, Florida and seeing the King of Bros put on a show is a pretty stellar Friday night. But I’m also a believer that people who are great at things deserve to be compensated for it, and this guy is a can’t miss star so I hope the WWE gives him tons of money to dominate in front of millions of people every week. This guy is BROver, and you’d have to be a BROfoon to not realize that.

The WWE Is Ruining... Bobby Lashley

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, we focus on how the WWE is ruining...Bobby Lashley? Oh, shit, maybe random wasn't the best way to decide this, but here we are, so let's get going on Big Bob.

As anyone who is reading this probably knows, Bobby Lashley is not the darling of the internet wrestling community. He's not a guy who crushed it on the independents with amazing moves before finally being recognized after years of mastering his craft at smaller shows. Instead, he is a black Incredible Hulk, absolutely jacked and shredded from head to toe. If you're like Vince McMahon and love bodies, then you love Bobby Lashley. If you love work rate, he's probably not your cup of tea.

As somebody who grew up on the WWE in the 80s and 90s, and someone who has traveled across the country multiple times to watch independent wrestling, Obviously, independent wrestling is the world's greatest live entertainment art form, and I'm also somebody who still wonders why Adam Bomb was not the next Hulk Hogan. I love work rate and body guys. There is value in a guy like Bobby Lashley, because he LOOKS like a pro wrestler. You line up all the wrestlers, and Bobby Lashley is in the top five of guys who look like they should be champion.

But when I see Bobby Lashley pop up on the screen, I would very much like him to leave the premises immediately. That is because the WWE has portrayed him as someone who SUUUUUUUUUCKS. Dude sucks so hard. His only memorable gimmick to this point is that he really loves his sisters; that may be the shittiest identifier in wrestling history.

The biggest issue with Lashley is that throughout his entire WWE run, he's been a good guy instead of a bad guy. It's weird to think of now, but him wrestling on behalf of Donald Trump was actually the good guy thing to do, but I am proud to admit that I was rooting for Trump to lose his hair, but that was due to the spectacle of it all as opposed to knowing that Donald Trump is a massive piece of shit.

But Bobby Lashley succeeded as a face during a different time in the WWE. Fans were, quite frankly, simpler beings then. They did cheer for the good guys, even if they preferred their good guys with a bit of an edge. The guys that are universally loved these days are the indy darlings, and there is no way to go back and give Lashley that sort of credibility. Instead, do what's natural and make Lashley a quiet heel. There is no reason for Lashley to speak, because that dude takes his shirt off, and you already hate him a little bit, strictly out of envy. On top of that, the guy is a legit badass who was fairly successful in the MMA world.

The WWE really only has one course of action. Do what's natural and take the natural heat that this guy gets and make him an ultra heel. They have started to make a change with Lashley with his alliance with Lio Rush, a mouthpiece (and also an incredible wrestler), who can do dirty work for him. And really, they have him in a perfect feud as he can take out indy darling, Kevin Owens, who is one of those guys that is so cool that it's kind of impossible for him to be truly hated, so let Lashley embrace his natural ability to walk into a room and be hated and turn that shit up to ten. Bobby Lashley should have a smug look on his face every time he walks into a room, because that dude is as alpha as it gets, and even though I'm a very logical person, I can't help but hate him for it. And use that MMA background to use his shoot fighting skills to punish his opponents. The only thing worse than hating someone is hating someone who you know can kick your ass.

Right now, Bobby Lashley is a square peg that won't fit into a round hole, but he'd fit perfectly into the role of an asshole. And much like an asshole, this man's best work is silent but deadly.

The 2018 XFL Mock Draft Review

Finally, after going through each position group of our XFL mock draft, we can look at the full rosters of each of our teams to decide who has the better roster. We’ll start with a breakdown of Team Jonah.

QB: Colin Kaepernick, Zach Mettenberger, Ryan Nassib
RB: Denard Robinson, Deangelo Williams, Barry Sanders Jr.
WR: Victor Cruz, Moritz Bohringer, Speedy Noil, Corey Brown, Jared Abbrederis
TE: Bucky Hodges, Ladarius Green
OT: Ryan Clady, Branden Albert, Jake Long, Collin Buchanan, Bryce Harris, Bobby Hart
OG: Andrew Tiller, Tim Lelito, Mike Harris, Orlando Franklin
C: Nick Mangold, Jeremy Zuttah
DE: Mario Williams, BJ Dubose, Cam Johnson, Damontre Moore 
DT: Ra’shede Hageman, Will Sutton, Jared Odrick, Antoine Glen, Cam Thomas
OLB: Jarvis Jones, Audie Cole, Chad Greenway, Aaron Williams, Deandre Levy
ILB: Rey Maualuga, Perry Riley, Sio Moore
CB: Jalen Collins, Vontae Davis, Tharold Simon, Leodis Mckelvin, Jayshawn Jordan
S: Dwight Lowry, Shiloh Keo, Calvin Pryor, Russell Siavii
K: Connor Barth
P: Austin Rehkow

And now, we present Team Joe.

Quarterback: Johnny Manziel, Robert Griffin III, Rex Grossman
Running Back: Reggie Bush, Trent Richardson, CJ Spiller
Fullback: Lendale White, Mark Weisman
Wide Receiver: Justin Blackmon, Calvin Johnson, Vincent Jackson, Dorial Green-Beckham, Anquan Boldin, Riley Cooper
Tight End: Tyrus Thomas, Henry Krieger-Coble, Jace Amaro
Center: Barrett Jones, David Molk
Offensive Guard: Tre Jackson, Cyril Richardson, Eddie Hall, Jordan Walsh, Danny Watkins
Offensive Tackle: Michael Oher, Gabe Carimi, Tervel Dlagnev
Defensive End: Jon Jones, Da’Quan Bowers, Bjoern Werner, Michael Sam, Jackson Jeffcoat, Drew Ott
Defensive Tackle: Brock Lesnar, Louis Nix III, Devon Still, Christian Ballard
Linebackers: Shayne Skov, Khaseem Greene, James Laurinaitis, Arthur Brown, Aaron Curry, Brandon Spikes
Cornerback: Alfonzo Dennard, Ifo Ekpre-Olomu, Justin Gilbert, Dee Milliner, BJ Lowery
Safety: Ed Reynolds, Gerod Holliman, Tino Sabbatelli, Taylor Mays
Kicker: Roberto Aguayo
Punter: Tom Hackett

Joe: When drafting an XFL roster, we had two criteria that we were aiming for, football talent and entertainment value. Let’s just get the easy one out of the way. Is there any way to argue that I do not have a more entertaining team?

Jonah: I thought about what to write down here and Joe touched on it perfectly.  Joe’s roster is what the XFL should be, fun, entertaining, unpredictable, something that people want to tune into.  My roster is what the XFL was and what it more than likely will be, second rate football.  Vince McMahon needs to think about if the NFL ratings are really down because some guys are kneeling or if they’re down because all tv ratings are down because people watch tv differently now.  McMahon should know, his ratings have been in a freefall and I don’t remember seeing any wrestlers kneeling.  It’s why he created the WWE Network, so he can make money providing a service that lets people watch their shows the way they like to.

I also wanted to point out that while our teams contain some guys who have done some questionable things, it’s mostly substance abuse related.  There are two very talented football players that I knew wouldn’t be on my team and I’m glad to see they’re not on Joe’s team either.  Will the XFL get so desperate for ratings that they’ll bring in Ray Rice or Greg Hardy?  I hope not.

Joe: Jonah, I definitely drafted some scumbags, so I did not take the high road as I figured Vince McMahon certainly wouldn’t. Ray Rice is just too old and Greg Hardy is an abysmal human being who I am hoping gets smashed in mixed martial arts as soon as possible. But Jon Jones had a hit and run on a pregnant woman; DGB was definitely involved in domestic abuse, and Johnny Football was accused of the same. Honestly, as bad as all of that is, is it any worse than creating a football league that is designed with the intention to create more concussions? 

Jonah: I only have a few scumbags, and some drug addicts but we’ll put them in the WWE’s rehab during the offseason and clean them right up.  I don’t think they’re going to be able to have the same stupid rules that they had before.  Concussions are way too much of a hot button issue, you can’t have guys getting their brains turned to mush, no matter who your target audience is.  Again, this is part of the problem for the XFL, you can take out things like excessive celebration penalties, but even the NFL changed some it’s rules on that.  Last time around the XFL had pretty similar rules to the NFL, even if it tried to market itself differently.  The problem with it is that it was football played by guys not on NFL rosters for whatever reason, usually due to talent.  They changed their stupid recover the football to see who wins the coin toss rule after one week because someone got hurt.  Despite how they want to be seen, they’re not going to allow corners and safeties to headhunt receivers over the middle, or allow late hits, or turn into the real life version of Blitz the video game.

Joe: If they are looking to create a fun brand of football while sticking to the old school, tough guy way of thinking, the best thing they could do is eliminate helmets. It would limit concussions, because ain’t nobody head hunting if they aren’t wearing a helmet, and it’d be seen as badass if guys didn’t wear helmets. There would be an issue of headbutts along the lines, but that is definitely something that you should be able to work around as a misplaced headbutt can hurt the giver as much as the recipient.

And let’s look at this thing talent wise, how do you think you did?

Jonah: Like I said at the start, my initial goal was to put together a 53 man roster that would be able to win a few games in the NFL, or at least beat Cleveland and I think I did that.

Joe: Let me stop you right there. I think we did as well as we could have with these rosters, but there is no chance that your team could compete with any NFL team, even the Browns. Looking at your roster, you have an advantage at quarterback, and you’re probably even at special teams. The Browns hold every other advantage, including some areas where they have some MAJOR advantages. Even if you had Bill Belichick coaching your squad and gave them Jeff Fisher (who will totally be an XFL coach), it would not be close. You are either greatly overestimating the talent on our rosters or underestimating the talent in the NFL, but I just cannot see it.

Jonah: Quarterback is the most important position in sports.  We will all see this when Tom Brady retires and the Patriots struggle to be a .500 team, or how the Green Bay Packers had to get crazy lucky to beat the aforementioned Browns after Aaron Rodgers went down.  The Cleveland Browns also have the massive disadvantage of being the Cleveland Browns, so I think my team could take them because they can find a way to lose.  I might make a couple changes here or there, but we’re a solid squad of castoffs.  If Matt Barkley becomes available, I can almost guarantee a win.  Also I don’t need Bill Belichick, I have the actual greatest football mind in history, me.

Joe: Jonah, you may literally be an insane person with this. You could have Tom Brady on your team as your quarterback, and it would not matter with the other talent around him. This is nothing against your drafting, as you did a hell of a job. They might even be able to beat my team, but that’s mostly because 15% of my roster has no significant football experience, but I’d like to think that just means that the sky is the limit for their potential. 

I’ll give you the last word. What are your final thoughts on an XFL comeback?

Jonah: It will be interesting to see what McMahon’s plan for the XFL is, but the only way I think it can be semi successful is to be an associated minor league for the NFL and I don’t see that happening.  We’ll see if it lasts more than a year this time, but unless all rosters are made up like Joe’s it probably won’t.  That being said, please consider this my and/or Joe’s application to work in the front office for the XFL.  We can clearly build teams.

In case you missed it:

Quarterback
Running Back

Wide Receiver

Tight End

Offensive Tackle

Offensive Guard

Center

Defensive End

Defensive Tackle

Linebacker

Cornerback

Safety

Kickers and Punters

The 2018 XFL Mock Draft - Quarterbacks

Last week, Jonah shot me a text that he would like to have a Fantasy XFL Draft. I kind of hemmed and hawed at the idea, as I really didn’t want to go through that pointless of an exercise. Then I realized that I really wasn’t doing anything more important with my life, and it would be hilarious when I selected LeBron James with my first pick and OJ Simpson with my second pick. Unfortunately, Jonah clarified that they would have to realistically be able to play in the league and not currently playing another professional sport. That screwed up my entire draft plan, but I did my best to recover.

Admittedly, both Jonah and I did minimal research before the draft and did all of our analysis during the draft. This meant that there was little rhyme or reason to any picks past the first two rounds. So instead of breaking this down round by round, we are going to go by position groups. We also only did a two-team league, because I cannot imagine finding enough nerds to have a 12 or 16 team XFL mock draft. We did do a whole 53-man roster, so you could imagine these guys being spread around across the league. Today, we start with the quarterbacks.

Quarterbacks
Team Jonah: Colin Kaepernick, Zach Mettenberger, Ryan Nassib

Team Joe: Johnny Manziel, Robert Griffin III, Rex Grossman

Joe: Although the picks usually didn’t matter, we did both select quarterbacks with our first pick. Jonah went with the obvious choice of Colin Kaepernick, so then I panicked and went with Johnny Manziel as my number one quarterback. Although Manziel was a pariah in the NFL, he will most certainly be a fan favorite in the XFL, as this league is all about attitude. 

But Manziel is definitely not guaranteed the starting spot. I brought in some great competition as I have RG3 who is likely a more athletic version of Johnny Football and would likely be considered the favorite for the starting position, although he will inevitably get injured so it won’t be hard for Manziel to see playing time.

On top of that, I have Rex Grossman. The wily veteran who just loves to sling it deep. He is the veteran presence that can let them know what it takes to make it to a Super Bowl.

Maybe the greatest thing about these quarterbacks is that I might have three of the highest selling jerseys in the entire XFL. Manziel’s jersey could say “Johnny Football,” “J Football,” or just straight, “Football.” Griffin has “RG3” on the back of his, but my top selling jersey will inevitably be Rex Grossman’s “Sex Cannon” jersey. Sure to be a hit with the kiddos.

Jonah: Believe it or not, I took this draft very seriously.  My original idea was that I could build a roster of players that would win a few games in the NFL with nothing but available players.  Then I realized the XFL was coming back so I could just build an XFL roster that would be as talented as the lower half of the NFL.  With that, Kaep was the obvious first pick in terms of football skill and marketability.  The guy could start for 5-10 teams in the NFL so he’s a no brainer, and you either love him or you hate him.  Either way people want to watch him succeed or fail.

Mettenberger is a favorite of mine.  I watched him play as a rookie in Tennessee and he was pretty average, but a rookie playing average on a terrible team is pretty good.  I’m very confused why he hasn’t gotten another shot.

My original XFL lineup included another quarterback who should be starting in the NFL, Matt Barkley.  He was signed by the Cardinals so Mettenberger moved up to backup and Nassib got a spot on my squad.  Nassib is talented, strong armed but short for a quarterback.  Another guy I’m surprised doesn’t have a roster spot somewhere in the NFL because at least he has potential to be good instead of the potential to not be terrible like some of the quarterbacks who keep getting paid.

Joe: One thing I worry about with Jonah’s team is that he’s likely going to have to depend on Mettenberger and Nassib as Kaepernick will inevitably be fired in a grand public display if he chooses to kneel during the national anthem. And buddy, you’re going to have to trade a whole lot if you want to get the Sex Cannon on your squad. 

Jonah: I love Mettenberger and Nassib has potential, plus there’s plenty of quarterbacks out there like your boy Ricky Stanzi or my boy Nathan Enderle, or everyone’s boy John David Booty.  As for your quarterbacks, Manziel and Griffin should still be in the NFL, well Griffin at least and Manziel has the ability.  I really hope Rex Grossman finds his way onto an XFL roster because I will bet you that against XFL competition he throws more picks than TDs.

Joe: That wraps up the quarterback talk. We should have something on running backs later this week.

I Love Camp WWE

Camp WWE is an adult animated series made by WWE for WWE fans on the WWE Network. I absolutely love it. It is in the running for my favorite show on television; hell, it may be one of the greatest television shows ever made.

Now, don't get me wrong. Camp WWE is not a good show. I'm not sure if it's a bad show, but it's probably a bad show. So why do I love it? To me, this show is some sort of wonderful white noise. If I put on this show, I am asleep within five minutes. It's amazing. It has taken me a month to get through four episodes. And I remember practically nothing from the show. Little John Cena got homesick, Vince McMahon thinks Triple H is stupid, and Ric Flair tries to have sex with everything, including inanimate objects. I'm pretty sure I learned all of those things in the first episode, so I've taken nothing from the other three so far.

I always watch television to help me fall asleep. Sometimes it'll be old episodes of Parks & Recreation, which help after a while, but I usually make it through a full episode, because they're so good. With bad shows, I start hoping to fall asleep which only makes me stay awake even longer. 

I don't know what it is, but Camp WWE is just that perfect sweet spot of me wanting to pay attention while delivering nothing noteworthy to laugh me awake. To be fair, unlike a lot of WWE programming, it is not so bad that it is groan inducing, so that's commendable on its own. But the value of the sleep that this show gives me makes me love this nothing show. Like, if you asked me what will make me sadder, the end of Camp WWE or the end of Game of Thrones, I'd have to think long and hard about it, and honestly, I think Camp WWE might win. Jon Snow's great and all, but when it comes to a good night's rest, he simply can't match up with a homesick child John Cena. 

Rick Rude Is The Most Underrated Wrestler In History

Everybody remembers Rick Rude, but I'm not sure people remember how great Rick Rude was. I'm honestly not sure if there was a better heel during his era, as it was impossible to cheer for Rick Rude. He was better than everybody else, and there was nothing more that he loved to do than shove that fact right down their throats. Still, he is not remembered for being as great as he was, and now that Macho Man is in, Rick Rude is definitely the most deserving person to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

The guy had it all. Rick Rude was amazing on the mic. In his debut match, he set the tone for what his schtick would be:

Sweathogs is an insult that is not used nearly enough. It elaborates enough on a simple pig comment by not only saying you look like a hog which takes care of fat and ugly, but you both look and smell disgusting with the sweat added in. Underrated in this clip is Vince McMahon commenting on Rude as he disrobes, "Well, pretty good abs, traps not too bad," and then the camera flashes to a fat kid, and McMahon gets completely flustered. It's all perfect.

And then, after his match, he kisses a woman so passionately that she faints from the experience. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...I would have like 25 cents, although I think the girls may have just pretended to pass out to prevent any funny business. Either way, I'm a helluva kisser. Underrated part of after the match is that Rick Rude would then stand over the woman and gyrate his hips. I really should have tried that maneuver to show the ladies that I'm a bonafide stud.

But it wasn't just on the mic that Rude was a stud, as he could flat out wrestle. He succeeded in WWE, WCW, and in Japan while excelling in every style. This man could not only have great matches with other great wrestlers; he managed to not only get a good match but good matches out of the Ultimate Warrior.

That alone should be enough to make him a Hall of Famer. And the guy was a heel through and through. Rude used to just flex his ass in the middle of the ring or gyrate his hips and get boos rained down on him. He was a total heel in that every bit of his offense made you think this was a bad guy. It was full of headlocks and sleepers and punches to the gut. That slow offense makes it impossible to cheer for a guy. But even when he would add some flash and hold suplexes, there was always that little bit of him showing off that made people hate him.

Oh yeah, and the man loved to show ass. There is nobody in history that got depantsed more than Rude.

And although he never became World Champion in the WWE, he did manage to do it in the WCW.

He not only beat Flair for the title, but he also managed to make out with one of Flair's many different women. As far as I know, he may be the only guy who can claim the latter. He had an incredible career where he not only managed to look great, but he always made his opponents look great as well. After finally becoming a World Champion, he actually never lost the title. Unfortunately, he injured his back in a freak accident in a match against Sting in Japan and was forced to retire. But Rick Rude was pure money both in and out of the ring.

That being said, had he just gone to the ring in his custom made tights, he still would probably be one of my 20 favorite wrestlers of all time. Here are the top five things that Rick Rude had airbrushed on the front of his tights:
5. His Face

It's an incredibly great way to peacock. I mean, if Mystery is armed with a top hat and a boa, you're going to blow him out of the water with custom made tights with your face on the front. A great pickup gambit would be asking a girl to kiss you on your airbrushed lips.

4. Championship Belt

Since you can't wear your title belt at all times, it is best to just airbrush it on there to let the ladies know that anytime you put on your pants, you're a champion. They'll learn later that when you take off your pants, you're even more of a champion.

3. Regis and Kathie Lee's Faces

Yep, just Rick Rude making a woman pass out from the passion of his kiss, and then showing off Kathie Lee's airbrushed face on his front side, while using his backside to make Regis animated when he flexed his ass. This is a very boss maneuver for whenever you are invited on to a talk show, and I think more people should follow Rick Rude's lead.

2. His Opponent's Face

I mean, how demeaning is that? Just your face is right on his dick. That has to be one of the most alpha maneuvers anyone can possibly pull off.

1. His Opponent's Wife's Face

This is the most alpha maneuver. His opponent had a woman? Yeah, Rick Rude's going to put that woman's face right over his dick. Imagine somebody doing that to you. If somebody put my wife's face on their pants, I'd have no choice but to fight them. Like, I couldn't just let them keep wearing those pants. But man, if I saw somebody doing that to somebody else's wife, I would applaud that dude for the gumption. Basically, I am just saying that this is one of the greatest heel maneuvers ever, and I really want a wrestler to bring it back.

After his wrestling days were over due to a back injury, he still had one of the most memorable moments of the Monday Night Wars when he showed up on both shows at the exact same time. Since Raw was pretaped every other week, Rude was there for the taping, but his contract ended and he showed up on a live episode of Monday Nitro.

Yeah, if this isn't 100% the reason that Rude isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame, then it is at least 99% of the reason. He not only screwed over WWE, but then he buried them on their competitor's show. A couple years after this, Rick Rude died at the age of 40 from heart failure. He was a wrestler in the 80s and 90s, so he undoubtedly lived a hard life, but one that still ended far too soon.

Basically, if I was going to be a pro wrestler, I would want to be Rick Rude. Great look, great mustache, and could live like a heel in every aspect of life. Rick Rude's one of the greatest wrestlers of all-time; he's criminally underrated, and WWE needs to put him in the Hall of Fame immediately. It's long overdue for an all-time great.

How Shawn Michaels Became The Heartbreak Kid

As I go through the years of pro wrestling on WWE Network, one of the most fascinating aspects is watching how wrestlers are able to change over the years. The physical changes are obvious, but the personality changes are far more interesting. Shawn Michaels is one of the most fascinating character changes over the years. The most well-known characters that Michaels portrayed was a bland babyface as one half of The Rockers, and his portrayal as the cool guy sex symbol as The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. But in between there was a period where he was neither, as he switched from a babyface who didn't quite yet know how to be a heel.

Although throwing your tag team partner through a plate glass window is a great way to get heat, Shawn Michaels didn't yet know who his character really was beyond, "Bad guy." Everybody could see that he had way more potential than Marty Jannetty, but I'm not sure if anybody really knew where it was going. But he kept getting time, first with his interview show, The Heartbreak Hotel, but even then he was a little stiff. The most important thing that happened to him was when Macho Man left, and he was allowed to take over commentary on Raw for several weeks.

When he first started on commentary, he knew to take the heel perspective but didn't quite know how to talk it out. Vince McMahon may have been shitty at commentating wrestling matches, but he was always willing to set up his broadcast partners. Now some, like Rob Bartlett, took the ball and ran it into his own end zone, laid down, and shit his pants. But, Shawn Michaels slowly warmed up to talking during the matches. It started as the bad is good, good is bad trope that is easy and predictable, but he went from arrogant bad guy to conceited, self-absorbed, sex symbol bad guy, and the latter led to a very long shelf life.

I think that people remember Shawn Michaels as a great talker from his career, but that was never his greatest strength. I mean, it's not like you remember any great HBK lines outside of the lyrics to his song (which was written by Jimmy Hart). Where his real strength lied was in reacting to things as he was always comfortable giving the proper reactions whether it be with words or looks. Too many people in wrestling will agree with the guys on their side and disagree with the guys against them, but Michaels actually used some nuance. Him, Diesel, and Undertaker were going to tag together against Yokouzuna, Owen Hart, and British Bulldog. They had a promo together and Shawn and Diesel are keeping things lighthearted, and Undertaker takes it to a way darker place, and HBK gets a WTF look on his face, and then Undertaker finishes, and he goes into the "Yeah, what he said," reaction. It's subtle, but it makes him relatable instead of a caricature of how a person would react.

Although I still frequently listen to Sexy Boy, I'm not the biggest mark for HBK. Still, he had one of the ten most successful wrestling careers of all time, and that never would have happened had he not been given the chance to fail. He wasn't great at first, and had he not been able to refine his act subtly during commentary, he may never have caught on like he did.

WWE usually uses one wrestler to do commentary for one segment during Raw each week. Letting different guys take over an entire show and helping them find their voice may lead to some awkward moments, but it could also help WWE uncover the next great superstar. 

Vince McMahon Has The Worst Sense of Humor

Vince McMahon is a legendary businessman, and a true visionary when it comes to the world of pro wrestling. Even if you hate pro wrestling, you have to respect him for what he has been able to accomplish. If summing up the pros and cons of Vince McMahon, the pros would far outweigh the cons. That being said, I know that if I ever met Vince McMahon, I would totally hate him. The reason I know this is that you can tell a lot about somebody by looking at their sense of humor, and Vince McMahon has the worst sense of humor in the world.

5. Vince McMahon Loves Impersonators
Now, I don't even need to get into all the times that Vince tried to legitimately use impersonators to move forward wrestling angles. There was Fake Undertaker, and more egregiously, Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon. Those weren't meant for humor; sadly, they were supposed to be taken seriously. The first time that this became blatantly obvious is when a President Clinton impostor made an appearance at WrestleMania 10. The guy didn't even do a decent impression of Clinton, but he had the wig, so I guess that counts.

Still, the worst example is when he introduced Billionaire Ted and his two big starts, Huckster and Nacho Man. When looking back at this, I had totally forgotten about Scheme Gene. Here's a video. It's really awful.

I guarantee Vince loved every second of it. The only funny thing about this angle was that Vince prominently featured Razor Ramon and Diesel in videos to show the differences in the "New Generation." Both would leave the WWE a few months later and start the greatest faction in the history of professional wrestling.

4. Vince McMahon Loves to Disgust People
A lot of the key to comedy is being willing to embrace taboo. McMahon likes to take things to their extreme. Hence, he had Mark Henry impregnate Mae Young, a woman in her 80s. She gave birth to a fake hand. I really don't want to go any further into that except to say that I can guarantee Vince still laughs about this every time it crosses his mind.

And then there was Katie Vick. I have written a lot about Katie Vick, because it was one of the most amazing wrestling angles of all time. But it wasn't amazing in that it was well done or even comedically strong in any way. It is just still amazing that it was put on a television show at all. It was objectively awful, but it is wrestling's version of Andrew Dice Clay; it's not good, but it's still good to laugh at. I would guess that McMahon has already requested that this angle be mentioned in his obituary.

3. The Kiss My Ass Club
Vince McMahon is the man who created the "Kiss My Ass Club" which is brilliant if you are 12, but really sad from a 60 year-old. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't tattoo the names of the members of the club on his taint.

2. Vince McMahon Loves Throwing People in the Pool
This was probably the most interesting thing that came out of the Stone Cold Steve Austin podcast with Vince McMahon. Vince McMahon loves throwing people in the pool. And not like a normal love, but a love so pure that he would leave his wife for it. He was fairly serious through the entire interview, but when he got to talk about throwing people in the pool, his entire demeanor changed, as if the mere thought of throwing someone in the pool put him in his happy place. I have only seen a billionaire light up while talking like that in one other circumstance. It is when I worked for the Seattle SuperSonics and Clay Bennett talked with us about the possibility of moving to Oklahoma City. The man was trying to stay subdued, but he did a terrible job, because that motherfucker lit up when talking about OKC. He spoke of it as it was some sort of mystical promised land. So basically what I'm saying is that billionaires are weirdos.

1. There Is Nothing Vince McMahon Loves More Than Fat People
Vince has always been obsessed with appearance, and honestly, that makes sense. Children are a huge part of his audience, and big muscles are an automatic sell to kids. But Vince would go out of his way to bury fat people. What kind of ceiling does a guy with the name Bastion Booger really have? Fat guys were not meant to be contenders, they were meant to be laughed at.

But this pales in comparison to how he treated overweight women. If you were a big girl, you were instantly a heel. The heel announcers would praise them for their beauty, but Vince couldn't even hide his disdain for how disgusting he found them. In Vince's mind, if you were not attractive, you shouldn't be cheered.

And even though the female wrestlers were treated poorly, it pales in comparison to the first days of Raw. McMahon had Raw Girls who would strut around the ring with signs that often had sexual innuendos using the word Raw. Most of them were very fit women that you would see as a ring card girl at a boxing event. But McMahon would throw the audience for a loop and throw a fat girl in there with "hilarious" results. It is the very definition of sophomoric humor, but there was nothing McMahon loved more than having someone make out with one of the overweight ladies. I take that back, there was one thing that McMahon loved more, and that was making people think a wrestler would make out with them, only for them to demean them in some way, like Mr. Perfect throwing his chewed gum in one woman's mouth and having her happily chew away afterwards.

McMahon deserves credit where credit is due. He is not only the best mind in the history of professional wrestling, he is a true business visionary who worked hard and found incredible success, even when the deck was sometimes stacked against him.

That being said, Vince McMahon has the worst sense of humor ever, and I would never want to spend more than five minutes with him.

Breaking Down the WWE's ICOPRO Commercials

One thing that is abundantly clear when watching early episodes of Raw is that Vince McMahon really wanted ICOPRO to succeed. It was around this time when Vince created a bodybuilding league, because McMahon was and still is obsessed with physiques but is unfortunately in a very small minority when it comes to that. Still, with that obsession with bodybuilding, he also got into the supplement game with ICOPRO.

Now you may be asking yourself: ICOPRO, that's six letters, this must be an incredibly long name, but don't worry, it actually stands for Integrated COnditioning PROgram. He would have gone with ICP, but let's face it, McMahon is not down with the clown and would never pledge his allegiance as a Juggalo.

The most important part of ICOPRO is that it led to wrestlers being involved in awkward promotions for the product with the simple catchphrase of, "You gotta want it." Let's first check in with Bret Hart.

He had the opportunity to speak the most, but only mixed in the catchphrase within a full sentence in the middle of his nine second soliloquy. He also mentions that an "integrated approach to training" is what ICOPRO is all about instead of saying an Integrated COnditioning PROgram, which is what ICOPRO is actually all about.

And that is just about what he said. It is much more important to talk about what else is going on in this commercial. He has an ICOPRO tank which is understandable. His hair is wet, but Bret Hart was in a consistent state of wet hair, so I can't complain too much about that. Leather workout gloves? Come on, Bret, you are better than that, and to be fair, Bret proves that he is better than that as he is holding onto the WWF Title, which I guess he is using as a weight belt? If so, that is about as boss as it gets.

Next up, we have Lex Luger.

Lex delivers his line very well, and I at least give him respect for not wearing workout gloves. But I do wonder why anybody would need an outfit change for a workout? What I'm guessing is that bodybuilding tank actually started off as a shirt, and it eventually just shredded to the point where he had to go to his black ICOPRO shirt. Also, some shorter shorts would have helped, as I got way too intimate with Lex's "total package."

Finally, the bad guy, Razor Ramon.

Out of Bret Hart, Lex Luger, and Razor Ramon, you would assume that Razor would be the one guy you would want speaking, but it was the opposite as the bad guy didn't say anything. He did get the Lex Luger treatment with a wardrobe change, but that makes sense when he switched from curls to military presses. Still, Razor remains a true baller as he works out with a toothpick in his mouth. That's a boss move.

And those three guys make me want to give ICOPRO a try. I can work out with a toothpick in my mouth, a title belt around my waist, while letting the ladies know my circumcision situation without ever uttering a word. Unfortunately, ICOPRO has not been made for about 20 years. But this is the cause that a wrestler needs to take up and make happen. CM Punk failed with the ice cream bars, but couldn't Cesaro bring back ICOPRO? Why Cesaro? Well, I'm guessing that whatever was in ICOPRO can no longer be legally manufactured in the United States, so Cesaro is the perfect guy to open up the European markets. Come on, WWE, you've gotta want it.

We Need to Talk About This Picture of Hulk Hogan

WWE.com recently posted rarely seen photos of Hulk Hogan, and it is a treasure trove of wonderful for any Hulkamaniac. Despite there being 187 photos, one photo clearly stood out above the rest. I would not only posit that it is the greatest photo of Hulk Hogan, but likely the greatest photo in history. Behold:

That shirt. That SHIRT. That shirt is amazing. I mean, it takes a man to wear a shirt like that. I thought it was a photoshop at first, but this photo is apparently real, and that makes me incredibly happy. I don't even know how to talk about that shirt, so let's just rank the best things about that shirt.

5. It's pink.
4. It has hearts all over it.
3. It has a DEEP-V.
2. There are tears through the shoulders and arms of the shirt.
1. Hulk Hogan looked at it and decided that, "Yep, this is a nice shirt for a fancy dinner."

Second, we need to take a look at his dinner guests. Who are they? There is no way to know, but I have a pretty good guess. Logically, there is no way Hogan is busting out that shirt for just anybody, so they must be pretty big stars. Still, Hulk wants to take the attention off of them, or perhaps he NEEDS to take the attention off of them for their own sake. It's pretty obvious what I am saying by now. That is Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, both aged but living peacefully. Hulk is there enjoying their reminiscing while eating salads.

And speaking of what is for dinner, HOLY SHIT. Look at all those supplements. I counted 10 different bottles and cannisters of supplements. Good lord. Of course this is the man that once advertised The Hulkster's Powerful Python Pack...

Hulk Hogan Makes Protein Shakes (TNT Show 06... by JinMedia
...which are strong enough to help Awful Alfred and change the color of Vince McMahon's suit. So really ThERe is nO way to tell what Is to Decipher what is in those Supplements, but I am guessing that it is a super safe and super normal thing to have with salad and bread.

And although I love everything about this photo, it all comes back to one thing.

That shirt, man.

If WWE Superstars Were Game of Thrones Characters

Two things that I thoroughly enjoy are the fictional worlds of the WWE and Game of Thrones. Now, I have limited GoT cred, as I only watch the TV show and have not read the books (so if you're not through Season 4, you may want to wait on this, as there are some spoilers). Still, I felt that there were a lot of similarities in this world, so I tried to find the doppelganger for some of the most famous characters from each world. I tried my best to stick with current WWE talent, but there are a few examples of Attitude Era stars that seemed to fit way better than any active wrestlers would have in the GoT world. I tried to split the characters up into their families/most important storyline to help with clarity. Without further adieu, here is where WWE Superstars would fit in within the Game of Thrones.

Stephanie McMahon - Daenerys Targaryen
Stephanie fits in as the Khaleesi, because she could become the ruler of the WWE. And there aren't a lot of examples of women being strong and confident without immediately failing in spectacular fashion. Also if she is in that role, it would mean that Vince was the Mad King, and Shane was Viserys Targaryen who thought he was destined to take over, but now has no chance. Shane at least chose to leave where Viserys was killed by having liquid gold poured over his head.

Brock Lesnar - Khol Drogo
Both are giant men that crush everything in their path. They laugh at obstacles, as there is nothing in the world that can stop them except for themselves. Khol Drogo decided to cut himself with a sickle, while Brock Lesnar willingly tattooed a sword on his. Both married blonde divas and lived on all-meat diets. With that being said, it does seem likely that Drogo died from diverticulitis.

The Rock - Daario Naharis
Daario only does two things, but he does them better than anyone else. Fighting and fucking. The Rock can take years off from wrestling and beat anyone, and every one of his interviews will talk about a woman's vagina in some demeaning fashion.

Goldust - Barristan Selmy
Barristan was seen as obsolete by the kingdom, and looking at his age, that would appear to be true. But there was still some gas left in his tank, and he might be doing some of his best work at an advanced age after his supposed prime in the King's Guard. That is basically the same story as Goldust who did some good things in his prime but may be doing his best wrestling in his most recent comeback.

Rusev - Grey Worm
They are both killing machines who are commanded by women.

The Shield - The Three Dragons
Yes, this is slightly outdated with Seth Rollins leaving The Shield, but those three guys are totally the dragons of the WWE. They come in, fuck shit up, leave and think nothing of it. Daenerys thinks that she controls them, much like Triple H thought he controlled The Shield. In reality, they do whatever they want, whenever they want, because they can.

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The Miz - Joffrey Baratheon
The two most punchable faces in the world. There really is nobody that could be more hated than these two. Also, I always thought Miz kind of looked like a serial killer, but he might just secretly beat hookers with medieval weaponry.

Randy Orton - Cersei Lannister
My only intergender comparison. Cersei is the golden child who feels entitled to certain things, because she has always gotten certain things. She's an attractive lady, but she can also be absolutely brutal to people. That sounds a whole lot like the Legend Killer to me.

Triple H - Jaime Lannister
Has all the tools to be great on paper, but will never reach the top of the mountain. Charismatic with a touch of crudeness, each guy seems like they would be likely to be the best, but neither man is. At best, Jamie is the second or third most important member of his family, and Triple H was always only the second or third most important person in WWE. They both have weak body parts, as Jamie lost his hand, and Triple H tears his quad like it's a piece of paper. Also, each is a guy that you want to root against, although at this point, you sometimes wonder what made you hate them so much in the first place. Oh, and while we're talking about H and Jamie...

Chyna - Brienne of Tarth
Yep. This one fits in real nice. Both compete with the men because they would outclass any woman. Fell in love with a blonde, although Jamie Lannister is much more traditionally attractive than HHH. After the romance, they both got stuck with puds, or Pods, to be more accurate...

X-Pac - Podrick Payne
Podrick had a great deal going with Tyrion, but now he is with Brienne where he is not appreciated. It seems very similar to X-Pac being in the nWo, but then having a relationship with Chyna where he got physically assaulted. Also, Podrick is known for his prowess with the ladies, and X-Pac made a sex tape. They're not exactly equal, but they're not unequal either.

William Regal - Tyrion Lannister
Don't get caught up in the size. Instead, Regal is a match with Tyrion because he no longer has the physical gifts, but he has a sharp tongue and can captivate an audience with it. Also, he doesn't dislike bad guys, as he sees talent for what it is. Tyrion Lannister would definitely be a fan of Aiden English.

The Acolyte Protection Agency - Bronn
Bronn is the hired gun for Tyrion, and he saves his life once for money. When it comes to the second time, he already has money and women, so he doesn't save his life. He's a simple man, but you gotta respect that. The APA were simple guys as well, as they would beat up people for money, and if you couldn't offer them anything, they weren't willing to get their hands dirty. It's a simple and effective way of living.

AJ Lee - Shae
So I really hated comparing a diva to a whore, but let's face it, WWE only has three characteristics for women, whore, crazy, and boring, so there were actually a lot of women that could have been put in this spot. I chose AJ as she has a history of being jealous and of getting revenge on the men who have done her wrong. That sounds a lot like Shae, as she harshly turned on poor Tyrion.

Vince McMahon - Tywin Lannister
I know I mentioned him as the Mad King, but that was more in relation to Stephanie, as this is the spot where Vince fits best. He is the man with the money, so he pulls the strings behind the scenes while all gratitude and animosity is delivered to the people that he controls. The stockholders are the iron bank as they are the only ones who can get mad at Vince/Tywin if they aren't getting their money.

Paul Heyman - Varys
Could there be a less sexual person than Paul Heyman? Everything Varys has said could have just as easily been said by Paul Heyman. He tries to creep in the background and work his way up the ladder by attaching to those who he sees being in power. Tywin Lannister is definitely a Paul Heyman guy.

Cesaro - Tommen Baratheon
We really know nothing about the new king except that he wants to be a good king. And if you only watch the main WWE shows, you really have no idea about a personality for Cesaro. Cesaro is the newest King in WWE as he is the King of Swing, and I really felt like I needed to include my favorite wrestler in this post somewhere and couldn't find a great fit.

Summer Rae - Margaery Tyrell
Margarey will do anything to be queen, and Summer just wants to be liked so bad. Either will maneuver behind people's backs to get what they want, but in the end, neither person actually does anything all that awful. They both almost got stuck with bad guys, but now they can both find something better for themselves.

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John Cena - Eddard Stark
There is one big problem with this comparison, and that is John Cena always wins, and Eddard Stark obviously did not fall under that umbrella. Still, they are the virtuous ones who are always doing what is right and fighting for good. Eddard was the King of the North, and John Cena is often World Champ, but each guy can go away from their title and still be the most compelling person in the room. But with Eddard Stark dying early on, isn't that a valuable lesson? John Cena would not survive in the Game of Thrones.

Daniel Bryan - Robb Stark
Everyone questioned his potential to lead an Army. He didn't always make the right decisions, but he worked hard and slowly gained the respect of his people. Finally, when it looked like everything was going in his favor, he and his army were brutally murdered at a wedding. Daniel Bryan worked his way up, finally won the title, got married and shortly thereafter got a neck injury and lost his title.

Renee Young - Arya Stark
Everybody likes Arya as she is a quick witted little scamp. Renee Young is basically the adult version of that.

The Big Show - Sandor Clegane 
The Hound is a large man who has done some bad things in his past, but he was just doing his job. Deep down, he has shown that he actually isn't that bad of a guy. This is similar to The Big Show who occasionally has done some bad things, but he always shows his nice guy side in the end and both have proven to be more gentle giants than giant jerks.

Natalya - Sansa Stark
Both have a "woe is me" attitude, and although they really have not done anything wrong, they are both easy to dislike without any concrete behavioral flaws.

Jerry Lawler - Petyr Baelish
If there was anyone in the WWE who would run a whorehouse, it would definitely be Jerry Lawler. Also, old school Jerry Lawler had the bad guy tendencies that matched Baelish's personality. Also, they both love women who are too pretty for them.

Bo Dallas - Robin Arryn
Both are shocked when anyone doesn't like them. They both have incredible confidence despite not doing much to earn said confidence. Robin got built up by his mother, and Bo Dallas just BO-lieves in himself.

The Great Khali - Hodor
Both huge humans, which would make you think that they could crush the world. When in reality, they are immobile, and nobody can understand what they are trying to say. Hodor gets the slight edge on value since he carries things a lot of the time where a lot of Khali's value is from his singing and dancing.

Dolph Ziggler - Jon Snow
He's one of those guys that everybody seems to root for. They are not impressive physical specimens and were put in terrible situations for no reason. It seems like punishment, but all they do is work their butts off every chance they get. Each one makes everyone around him better, but it will take extraordinary circumstances for either of them to reach true greatness in the general public's eye.

Emma - Ygritte
Ygritte was a wildling lady who could have killed Jon Snow multiple times but froze up and was distracted long enough for it to lead to her downfall. Emma is a very talented wrestler but often gets distracted by her own dance moves and loses because of it.

Sheamus - Tormund Giantsbane
Is this partially because of the red hair? Yeah, definitely, but they are both giants who think they can take on anything. All Tormund needed to do was end his sentences with "fella" and they basically become the exact same person.

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Ric Flair - Robert Baratheon
Robert gained power by being incredible in the battlefield and he rose to being the undisputed top dog in the world. Flair gained power by being the best wrestler in the world. Once they got their power, they enjoyed the finer things in life as they partied hard and drank and fucked everything they could get their hands on. God bless them both.

Bray Wyatt - Stannis Baratheon
Believes he is the rightful king. Does shady things that make him untrustworthy. Battles forces and seems super powerful, but always loses, and then he just tries again with the same plan. Stannis's one great move involved a demon baby, Bray's involved a child with a voice modulator, so the similarities can be quite shocking.

Luke Harper - Davos Seaworth
He is dedicated to Bray Wyatt. Seems like a nice guy. Could use a fresh change of clothes and both are just learning to read.

Eva Marie - Melisandre
Evil redhead lady who has way more power than she deserves. Seems useless from an outsider's perspective, but has shown some savvy in staying relevant so far. Also, Eva Marie had a uterus problem, and Melisandre produced a smoke demon from hers. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

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Kane - Ramsay Bolton
Both are sadistic monsters that have no sympathy for anything or anyone. They are driven by destruction, but deep down both of them have a longing to be loved and accepted for who they are.

Damien Sandow - Theon Greyjoy (Reek)
Theon used to have charisma and confidence, but then he reached for the stars and failed. After that, things spiraled downwards for him, as he has had his junk removed and has been broken mentally. Damien Sandow had charisma and confidence, won Money in the Bank, challenged Cena and lost, and he is now wearing a tan jumpsuit that made him resemble a eunuch.

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Mark Henry - Gregor Clegane
Everybody thought The Mountain was unbeatable, and he was also kind of ruthless as he burned his brother's face when they were children. That sounds a whole lot like Dog got inducted into the Hall of Pain. Also, Mark Henry is the World's Strongest Man which seems like a title that Gregor probably could have had if he wanted to prove it. In the end, these people are both undone by guys who are quicker than them. Also, just as you should not waste time trying to get The Mountain to confess something, you should probably steer clear when Mark Henry says he is retiring, as they both seem to gain super strength in those situations.

CM Punk - Oberyn Martell
Oberyn is somebody who is only happy when he is doing what he wants. He didn't have to get involved with Tyrion, but he wanted revenge on the Lannisters. He could have killed The Mountain but killing wasn't good enough; he had to get that confession first, and that is why his head exploded. Although CM Punk didn't meet quite as grisly of a fate, all of these same things could be said about him. He wanted to do what he wanted to do, and when he didn't get exactly what he wanted, he proved to be the cause of his own undoing.

I know that doesn't cover everyone, as there were people from GoT and WWE that I wished I could have worked in. Still, it gives a good starting point, and it has the potential to inspire a ton of great fan fiction which is what the internet is all about.