Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Ozzie Canseco's Twitter Account

I have written about Jose Canseco numerous times on this blog, and by numerous, it appears that he has been in 60 different posts. But Jose Canseco really seems to have things going well for him. He's been in some commercials, and he gets some mild publicity for his stunts like wearing a shirt apologizing to Mark McGwire at a Cardinals-Dodgers game a few weeks ago. As happy as I am for Jose, it makes him pretty boring, because he can't quite stir up the genuine sadness that made his Twitter account so entertaining.

Luckily, I have found my new muse in Jose's twin brother, Ozzie Canseco. Don't be fooled, as he is not the totally lame @OzzieCanseco twitter handle; his twitter handle is @TwinTower7264, and it's amazing. The only problem with his account is that I could literally break down every tweet, because they are all great in their own special way. Let's just start from the beginning and see where this takes us:
Who the hell is Bruce Mead? I have no idea. This tweet is kind of like me saying, "I'm the most handsome boy in the whole wide world, just ask my Mom." But what's really important about this tweet is that it is one of the very few tweets that are not typed in ALL CAPS. What Ozzie has to say is important, so HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO YELL IT AT YOU.
This is the beginning of him randomly challenging Jose to contests. I was going to say that this happens a surprising amount, but it happens all the time, which is exactly what you would expect from Ozzie Canseco. I especially love the second part where he claims to "bed" better athletes. Jose may have been knockin' boots with Madonna, but Ozzie was gettin' busy with Billie Jean King.
Advantage: Ozzie.
You can tell that Ozzie has always wanted to be the best at something. That is why he created a boxing ring and covered it in ice to have a boxing rink. He may be bankrupt, but he is incredible at landing his jab on ice. That's a sound investment in my opinion.
Why is he Iron Man? Why is Iron Man in parentheses when he uses it. Why does he need the hottest fire imaginable when any fire hot enough to mold steel should be sufficient? These tweets bring so many questions, but sadly, I'm not sure if we'll ever have the answers.

50% of Ozzie's tweets do involve talking shit to Jose. I guarantee that every Thanksgiving, their shit talk slowly escalates until they are nailing each other with Yo Momma jokes without understanding the irony of it all. Also, do you think Jose's girlfriend's name was Anna McCarter or Anna "MC" Carter. I bet she dropped the dopest beats.
I'm gonna be honest. I don't know exactly what Haters Cam is, but I think there's a million dollar idea in there somewhere. I call dibs on Copyright of Haters Cam (I'm like 35% sure that's how Copyrights work).

Unfortunately, Ozzie took quite a break from tweeting and only had like 15 tweets since March. Luckily, he came back this past weekend.
Yes, you are (IRON MAN).

Finally, I checked out the website that he was promoting on his Twitter account,
The website expiring on September 17 is the most Ozzie Canseco thing ever. Whoops, what I meant to say is that it is the most (IRON MAN) thing ever. Keep on keepin' on, (IRON MAN).

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