Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: Matt Barkley

Next up on my scouting excursion is Matt Barkley. Barkley is a very confident individual. He's freakishly cocky, as he stated that he would have been one of the top two picks in last year's draft. He did a decent job with his rhetoric as he didn't say that he would have been drafted ahead of Luck, only that the Colts had locked in on him before he made his decision to go to the NFL or stay in school. I love confidence, but it really helps if you can back it up. The results were not great for Barkley this year, so I wanted to see if he looks better on film than he does on a stat sheet. I looked at the Stanford game to get a better idea of what his strengths and weaknesses were.

The first thing that really jumped out at me is his quick release, as he shows here.

He gets rid of the ball quickly and fits it in a tight window before the defense can adjust.

After watching Geno Smith, it was nice to see a quarterback put some zip on his passes when fitting it through tight windows. Both quarterbacks had very talented receivers, but Barkley had the confidence and the arm strength to fit the ball into tight windows. I have heard the knock that he lacks arm strength, and although it is not elite, it is plenty good enough.

His deep ball accuracy was not as good as Smith's, but he was not missing by much on the few throws that I saw. He's not great, but I also don't see it as a major concern.

It is easy to see the struggles that his offensive line had, which makes it even more impressive how Barkley would quickly set his feet and fire off passes with the pocket collapsing around him.

Marquise Lee is awesome, and Robert Woods is very good, but Barkley helps them out by throwing them passes where they have space to maneuver after the catch. As good as those guys are, he was not helped by his running backs or tight ends in this offense as they missed blocks and didn't turn around when he needed to get rid of the ball quickly.

Also, it looked like his linemen were trying to throw the game. Look at this.

I just feel bad at this point, because that right side of the line just looked awful. I'm guessing the right guard was keyed on the middle linebacker, because he did not react at all to the lineman splitting the gap between him and the right tackle. The right tackle either thought he was taking an outside guy or got off to the slowest start ever. That was just ugly.

He continued to battle, despite constantly being under pressure. Most of his poor looking throws were caused due to him having zero time to set his feet and execute. He has quick feet when setting them for passes, but it is tough to do much of anything when there are people knocking your center on his ass right after the snap.

Even though his feet set quickly, he is not a quick quarterback. He is best when in the pocket, and he looks awkward even when doing simple rollouts.

I ended up watching some of his game against Syracuse just to get an idea of how he goes through progressions. I liked what I saw as he was willing to work through his options quickly before making a decision and firing the ball in there. Another thing that I really liked that many college quarterbacks don't do is looking down the field before throwing screens. It keeps the defense honest and gives the running back more open space to work with.

So, overall, I was really surprised by the tape on Barkley. I was all ready to compare him to Jimmy Clausen, but he's good. He's actually really good. I have only watched him and Smith, but I would be shocked if I were going to rate anyone higher than Barkley. I really like his chances in the NFL, and I will be shocked if he is not selected in the first round.

Scouting the 2013 NFL Draft: Geno Smith

Geno Smith seems to be the number one quarterback on most people's boards. Saying that doesn't mean a whole lot, because this does not look like a draft where a QB is going to be drafted in the top ten. Still, Jake Locker was the 8th overall pick, and Ponder was taken 12th, so it wouldn't surprise me to see somebody taken early. Although I have seen and heard good things from Smith, I wanted to take a closer look at a couple games of his to get a better idea of his skills. I looked at his game against Kansas State where he struggled, as well as his game against Baylor where he set the world on fire. This is what I observed.

He experiences a problem that I see from a lot of spread quarterbacks in that he makes his decision on where he is throwing before the ball is even snapped. The routes are designed to be open and easy throws, but sometimes he looks silly as he tries to immediately squeeze something in as opposed to letting other routes develop.

The one thing that I really liked about him was his ability to lead receivers to help them gain yards after the catch. Both of his main receivers (Tavon Austin and Stedman Bailey) will probably be taken within the first three rounds which helps, but you could tell that both sides of the pass-catch combo helped make the other side better.

He did a good job of squeezing out of shaky situations when his pass protection broke down, but once he did that, he went into scramble mode and lost track of what was happening down the field.


As you can see from the video, he seems to hate underneath zones, as he got intercepted twice on out routes  (the video is cued up for the second interception) when they had coverage dropping back from underneath the receiver. Another big issue with both of those throws was that he did not drive the ball which gave the defender that split second needed to make a play on the ball.

He definitely looked a lot better in the Baylor game, but this had a lot to do with predictable defenses from Baylor that either left his first target open or gave him enough time to scan the field for a secondary option.

One thing I really liked was his deep ball, as you can see here.

He drops it right into his receiver's hands past the coverage, and that is just a really pretty ball.

There are a lot of things to like, and a lot of things to question with Geno Smith. He does a good job of leading receivers and throws a nice deep ball. I haven't had a chance to check out videos of all of the quarterbacks, but I would be shocked if he wasn't the most accurate thrower of them all. On top of this, he is mobile enough. He's not a burner, but he can be elusive and get some yards on the ground.

He doesn't always make great decisions as he decides to throw a pass even if it is well covered. This happens to the best of quarterbacks, but it happens at an alarming rate for Smith. Kansas State made him look very bad when he did this, but he was able to tear up Baylor. The other issue is despite his accuracy, he doesn't drive the ball on his throws. Everything has a little float to it, and it can kill him on out routes.

The guy I see when watching Smith is Christian Ponder. He might be a little more accurate than Ponder, but physically, they are very similar. He can be a good quarterback, but I have a lot of trouble seeing greatness in his future.

My 5 Favorite WWE Superstars Right Now

Yes, I watch pro wrestling. Hell, I love pro wrestling. I also love folkstyle wrestling, and mixed martial arts. None of these are mutually exclusive. I will say that I like folkstyle wrestling and MMA for more similar reasons than pro wrestling, but pro wrestling is still very awesome. There are guys I love, and there are guys I hate. I'm going to start with the positives and go over my ten favorite wrestlers in the WWE. Remember, these are my rankings right now, so "Cool Guy" Chris Jericho will not be on this list despite being one of my five favorite wrestlers of all time. Also, The Miz will not be on this list, because The Miz is the worst.

5. The Prime Time Players - Yes. there are two of them, possibly three if you include Rufus "Pancake" Patterson, but they are great. If you don't agree, then you and your washrag are not invited to my party. The WWE almost pushed them to a tag title, but then they decided to have them lose for the next four months, which has basically been the fate of every wrestler I have liked over the last three years. Still, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS...

4. Team Rhodes Scholars - They're not just a tag team; they're BEST FRIENDS. Oh, and they are painfully similar to The Prime Time Players. Just subtract wash rags, and add facial hair and seducing twins. So yeah, that is why they get the edge.

3. Fandango - I was skeptical of Fandango when he was only doing vignettes. Then he debuted in person, and I started to like him. He demanded respect and that people pronounce his ridiculous name correctly. Then he nearly made one of the Funkadactyls flood the ring with her womanly juices by being a smooth operator. At that point, I was fully on board with Fandango. Now Fandangoing is a real thing that happens, and it is just perfect.


2. Dolph Ziggler - Ziggler has always been great in the ring, but he has slowly progressed on the mic in the last year. He showed a ton of potential in his Ask The Heel segments on ZTLIS, but he's finally starting to convey that personality to a larger audience. It was a little scary how excited I was when I heard his music before he cashed in his Money in the Bank. It was also a little sad that my fiancee had to come downstairs and check on me because she heard me yelling and screaming while watching his match with Del Rio. It may be the saddest that I felt genuine happiness for Dolph Ziggler when he finally did win the title. But, seriously, watch this:

Everything about that video is awesome. Awesome entrance, awesome crowd reaction, awesome three minute match, awesome celebration. I will never stop loving this video.

1. Antonio Cesaro - I went over how awesome he was, and everything remains the same. He dropped the USA flag and replaced it with yodeling. He's amazing in the ring in the way that he tosses people like they weigh nothing. I don't really think I need to expand on anything else that wasn't already said here. Cesaro is the best.

Wrestlemania 29 Predictions

Lukewarm Jonah: Hott Joe and I love wrestling and we love gambling.  I bet you didn’t know you could combine the two and bet on a pre-determined contest, but you can.  I’ve found some actual betting odds from williamhill.com, a UK site.  There is actually an American site in Las Vegas that has odds too.  I’ve found the best lines, and Hott Joe and I will be giving you our Wrestlemania predictions and betting picks. 

Hott Joe: Thank God LJ is around, because I have been lazy as shit about writing, but this is definitely something I can get behind.

WrestleMania 29 - Fandango vs. Chris Jericho

Fandango -800 (1/8)

Chris Jericho +425 (17/4)

Lukewarm Jonah: Fandango has to be my pick to win this match.  Chris Jericho came back last year just to put over guys like CM Punk and Dolph Ziggler.  One has to assume that he’s back to put Fandango over.  However, I didn’t expect odds these long and wouldn’t touch this bet.  Fandango is still the smart pick, but they could always give Jericho a win.

Hott Joe: Fandango has been one of my favorite parts of Raw over this last month, as any man who focuses a lot of his character on seduction will always be someone I can relate to. And oh, how the mighty have fallen. Jericho, the man who beat the great Marty Jannetty and gave us this…

...now makes fun of Fandango’s name in childish ways. Jericho is still awesome (I highly recommend both of his books), but let’s face it, Jericho could lose every match for the next three years and still get the same cheers from fans. Fandango is going to get the victory.

WrestleMania 29 – Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show vs. The Shield

Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show +400 (4/1)

The Shield -700 (1/7)

Lukewarm Jonah:   I would like to take Randy Orton, Sheamus, and The Big Show as 4/1 underdogs.  I have no idea why the lines are so high, I guess William Hill thinks that we’ll get a heel turn from one of the three guys on the good guy team.  That’s very possible, but I don’t think it’s so crazy to think that the bad guys who have run rampant for months and months on end will finally get their comeuppance.  Really I think this match is a toss up, so I’ll take the good odds and go with the good guys at 4/1.

Hott Joe: Thank God Lukewarm Jonah wrote out this match, because whenever I refer to this match, I simply say The Shield vs. Turd Burglars. Last month, Sheamus tried to beat The Shield with the help of Cena and Ryback, now they replaced those two with Show and Orton. The Shield wins, and for a fun prediction, I say that at the next PPV, The Shield finally loses to Cena, The Rock, and Sheamus or Ryback.

WrestleMania 29 – Ryback vs. Mark Henry

Ryback -800 (1/8)

Mark Henry +425 (17/4)

Lukewarm Jonah: I’m picking Ryback to win this match.  This is another match where the odds aren’t good enough to put any money on it, but it’s very hard to see Ryback losing.  He’s being pushed to the moon, he’s a newer monster that needs to continue to be pushed.  Anything can happen in the WWE, and Henry is always a great monster heel to push, but Ryback is the smart pick here.

Hott Joe: This match comes down to one question for me, can Ryback actually pick up Mark Henry for his finisher? He couldn’t do it to Tensai, so I have some serious doubts. I really hope the WWE tells Ryback that he needs to do his finisher or Mark Henry gets to win. I’ll go with the upset and Mark Henry finishing off The Ryback.

WrestleMania 29 – Intercontinental Championship – Wade Barrett vs. The Miz

Wade Barrett +275 (11/4)

The Miz -450 (2/9)

Lukewarm Jonah: It’s the preshow match for the Intercontinental Title, kind of sad that this match can’t even make the real show.  Anyways, it seems like they’re building the Miz up, so an Intercontinental Title run would make sense.  It would also open up the underutilized Barrett for a possible run at the World Title.  My gut says the Miz, but it’s really a toss up in my honest opinion.  I would take the Miz as my pick, but I wouldn’t touch this bet.

Hott Joe: God, I hate The Miz, but he’s going to win. I don’t want to talk anymore about this.

WrestleMania 29 – Team Hell No vs. Ziggler & Langston

Team Hell No -130 (10/13)

Ziggler & Langston EVEN (1/1)

Lukewarm Jonah: Basically a pick em bet, I’m taking Team Hell No.  I thought I would get better odds on them, but I’ll take close to even money.  There’s a good chance Ziggler is going to be involved with the World Title scene soon, possibly even at Wrestlemania.  They can’t have him holding the tag belts while he’s World Champ.  I also feel like they gave away the ending they would have used for a Ziggler/Langston win this past Monday .  My real bold prediction, AJ tries to distract one or both of Bryan and Kane, it backfires somehow and they retain.  This makes it an even bigger surprise when Ziggler cashes in Money in the Bank later and wins his first world title.

Hott Joe: I’m taking Team Hell No, but with a slightly different twist. I say AJ does get involved in the match, but then Kaitlyn comes out and starts beating her up. Big E comes to her rescue while Dolph gets destroyed in the ring. And yeah, I totally agree with LJ’s last prediction, but I’ll get into that later.

WrestleMania 29 – The Undertaker vs. CM Punk

The Undertaker -1600 (1/16)

CM Punk +700 (7/1)

Lukewarm Jonah: This is way too big of a lock, and the odds reflect it.  However if you really are looking for guaranteed money, put it on the Undertaker.  The Undertaker’s undefeated streak will never be beaten, especially not this year, and especially not by CM Punk.  I love Punk to death, but he has no chance.  Taker still has money matches left with John Cena and Brock Lesnar.  As I said, the odds suck, but this is the equivalent of picking the Yankees to beat your local little league team, you know it’s going to happen.

Hott Joe: Taker, obviously. Also, am I the only person that hasn’t ruled out that Paul Bearer might still be alive? Like, the WWE is very shady, so I could totally see them successfully pulling off someone’s death. My bold prediction is that Taker wins with the help of a Paul Bearer run waddle-in (This is not going to happen, but at least admit that it could).

WrestleMania 29 – No Holds Barred Match – Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar

Triple H -650 (2/13)

Brock Lesnar +375 (15/4)

Lukewarm Jonah: I thought Lesnar would be a much bigger underdog here, and I was planning on making him my value pick.  At these odds, I’ve got to take Triple H.  I thought Lesnar would be one of the real long shots, close to CM Punk levels.  It’s always possible that Triple H saw two of his best friends, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels retire at Wrestlemania and decided that was the way he wanted to go out.  However, I just see Triple H getting his win back from Summerslam.  Triple H wins, Shawn Michaels superkicks Lesnar or Heyman or both, even Vince probably gets involved.  Trips wins, and at these odds I’d probably lay some decent money on it.

Hott Joe: This stipulation is still the worst stipulation of all time. A No Holds Barred match where Brock Lesnar has no friends, and Triple H is the “coolest kid at school.” Oh, and it’s for Triple H’s career, which was already over before Lesnar came back. YOU CALLED HIM OUT OF RETIREMENT TO PUT HIM IN A RETIREMENT MATCH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Anyway, I have similar thoughts again, but I see all of DX getting involved and Lesnar F-5ing all of them until H can hit the Pedigree and win.

WrestleMania 29 – Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

Alberto Del Rio -500 (1/5)

Jack Swagger +300 (3/1)

Lukewarm Jonah: Another match I thought would be much longer odds, that I would have considered making a value pick.  Jack Swagger has a hot new gimmick that has gotten mainstream attention, but he’s not going to win.  Del Rio will win for his injured friend Ricardo Rodriquez, and he will also win because if Ziggler cashes in Money in the Bank he’s got to do it against a face.  Also, if they don’t have Zigger cash in, they’re trying to build Del Rio up as their new Mexican superstar since Rey Mysterio will probably retire soon.  They need a guy to appeal to their large Mexican fanbase and if they don’t go for surprise cash in, I think Del Rio will have a long reign.  At these odds I like Del Rio a lot.

Hott Joe: Del Rio wins, and Ziggler comes out to immediately take the title. Dolph Ziggler has been getting pretty solid cheers for a while now. You add in the fact that it is WrestleMania crowd that loves wrestling more than anything else, and there is going to be a huge pop when he comes out to take the title. #HEEL

WrestleMania 29 – WWE Championship – The Rock vs. John Cena

The Rock +550 (11/2)

John Cena -1000 (1/10)

Lukewarm Jonah: Another easy lock just like Taker vs. Punk.  Cena gets his win back from last year and we have a passing the torch moment.  The real interest in this match is whether or not Cena will turn heel to win.  He hinted at it two RAW’s ago when he said the Rock didn’t beat him, he beat himself.  Cena turning heel would lead to a bunch of new match and storyline possibilities, and be on the same level as the Hollywood Hogan turn.  But anyways, back to the betting, there is no way The Rock retains, he has a bunch of awesome new movies to promote and can’t be champ.  A part time wrestle also can’t beat a full time wrestler on the biggest stage two years in a row. 

Hott Joe: There have been a lot of whispers about Cena turning bad, but maybe Cena already has become his heel persona. Maybe it will just be that he doesn’t care that adults all think he’s a douche, and he’s only doing it for the kids. The guy does a shit-ton of charity work, and he can still be cheered by kids while they get drowned out by the boos of adults. Still, he’ll win the title. John Cena’s worst year ever saw him win Royal  Rumble, have 15 title shots, and upgrade from his wife to a Bella Twin, what does this man need to have a good year?

WrestleMania 29 – Random Prediction

Hott Joe: My random prediction is that there will be a 20 man Battle Royal for a shot at the United States Championship. Zack Ryder will win, because he is basically the best Battle Royaler of all time, and he’s near his hometown. He will then beat my favorite wrestler, Antonio Cesaro, for the US Title. This is one of those cases where if you love someone, you need to set them free. Cesaro has lost his last 50 non-title matches, so maybe getting the belt off of him will let The Yodeler win some matches. Also, I’m still pissed that they dropped him trolling the fans by loving America so much. This man got booed for waving the American Flag; that’s the greatest thing from the past six months, well, outside of this:

LJ, I’ll let you finish, since you did most of the heavy lifting on this post.

Lukewarm Jonah: CM Punk will lose. We've covered that already, but in doing so, he will see the error of his ways and turn back into a face. He may even hit a GTS or lock on the Anaconda Vice on Paul Heyman. 

Sorry Ladies, I'm Engaged

Ladies, I have terrible news. I know that your parents said that if you dream big and work hard enough, anything is possible. Well, unfortunately, that is no longer the case. I am engaged, so you will have to settle for second best. Here is my story.

My biggest goal was to have the ring for as little time as possible. It was supposed to be ready by 4:00 on Wednesday. My jeweler was going to let me know when it was done. The problem is that I work 45 minutes away from the jewelry store, so I had to leave without totally knowing if everything had gone smoothly.

I arrived, and the ring looked great. I felt like a boss. Also, free champagne (there was a bunch of other stuff in the bag, but I got distracted by the free champagne and tuned her out after that). Then she required me to pay for the balance of the ring. I confidently handed her my card, ready to get home to start making dinner. My card was denied. Aw, crap. I knew I had enough money in my account, but I forgot to see what my limit was because I do not think ahead, and I am not used to making extravagant purchases. I mean, I frequently spend over $100 on groceries, so it's not like that card doesn't get a good workout. I look up the number to my bank and see if they can approve the charge. I chat with a banker, and he tells me that he can, but he will have to call someone else and give me a call back. No problem. As I wait, my jeweler assures me that this happens all the time, and I confidently wait. 

I get a call back, and the banker tells me that he cannot get the charges approved for 24-48 hours. Sweet. But I can go in and get a Cashier's Check to take care of everything (Oh yeah, I also don't have checks, because checks are for old people and I'm a Toys R Us Kid or something). Okay, just wasted some time and now I need to get to the bank and take care of everything. This is not ideal, but I needed to stop by the grocery store anyway, so it's not the end of the world.

I drop by the bank, and the banker I talked to greeted me to get things taken care of as quickly as possible. He asked me where the check should be made out to, and I told him the jewelry store. He congratulated me, which was nice. But then he told me that had he known that, he could have just approved it over the phone as an emergency. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT OPTION. Anyway, no big deal, I walked away with a large cashier's check (it was actually a regular sized check, but it had a big number on it) and headed to the grocery store.

My girlfriend had made it very clear to me that she wanted something simple. In fact, she flat out told me that if I proposed in any sort of public place, she would not only say no, but we would immediately break up. So, I kept it simple and planned a nice dinner of steak, asparagus, and grilled peppers. With me being able to throw everything on the grill, it was also a fairly easy meal for me to make. I speed-walked through the store and picked up all of the necessary items and got in the shortest line I could find. Just one lady in front of me, so it shouldn't take that long. Of course, the lady I was in front of brought in recyclable bags and a bunch of coupons. I slowly deflated as I saw every line move faster than the one I was in. This probably robbed me of, at worst, three minutes, but I wanted to headbutt that lady into submission.

Back to the jewelry store to finalize everything. I give her the check and take my ring, champagne and other stuff back home to prepare my night of romancing. I get home, let the dog out and start gathering wood, because we have a fireplace that we have never used, and what better night than this one to get started. I was never a boy scout, but I have been to many bonfires, and I am building what I believe is a pretty bomb ass fire structure. Then I get a knock at the door. I have gotten an unexpected knock at the door maybe twice at the house I have lived at for over a year. Some clown is trying to sell me a roof. "I do not have time for this, and I am renting, so get out of here, clown" is what I'm thinking, but I politely decline his offer and get back to fire making.

I didn't get lighter fluid, because I've watched enough Workaholics to be an honorary Beagle Scout. So, I get the fire going a little. There was definitely more smoke than fire, but a little fire is a good thing, that fire is going to catch any second now. But man, it was really producing a lot of smoke. Still, I'm not giving up. I have to turn my head away as the smoke burns my eyes, but I think I am almost there. Still nothing. My dog starts barking, and I look back to realize that the house is beginning to fill with smoke, and my dog is warning me to get out of there. Operation fireplace romance is cancelled, as I shut the doors to the fireplace and open up doors and windows to try to get all of the smoke out of there. I look back at the fireplace and realize that the doors don't close perfectly, and there is a crack right at the top letting a consistent stream of smoke out. I lean a chair against the doors to solve the problem. Things are not going as I had planned. 

There is no fire, but you bet your ass I can do candles. I bought 50 small candles and a few big ones to pimp out the house. I was going to do candles along the path from the door to the dining room, but I realized that my dog is too stupid to not knock them over, and there would be wax all over the place. My girlfriend would have been pissed about the mess, and it would not have set the ideal mood. So, I got two strips of aluminum foil, set them down in a couple locations and started doing some candle drawings. On our buffet, I designed a heart, and my art work was rather impressive. On the table, I wrote "ILY" which was not a poor homage to T.I.'s song, "I'm Illy" but stood for I Love You. Trust me, I know that this sounds very douchey, but I promise that it is more of a joke than anything we take seriously.

As I get everything set up, my girlfriend calls me to let me know that she will be heading home. That's basically my 15 minute warning to get my ass moving. It still definitely smells like smoke, but it's also March in Iowa, so I need to shut the door so she is not shivering through dinner. It's not nearly as smoky as before, but I can still smell smoke, which probably means that it smells pretty strongly of smoke, since I am nearly smell-blind. Blame it on the candles, I think to myself, which reminds me that I need to get like 60 candles lit up. I scramble around and get everything lit, but instead of admiring my masterpiece, I need to get the grill started and all the food prepared. I quickly season up everything and get it on the grill before she walks in the door.

I greet my lady with a kiss and a hug. She immediately asks me if I was burning incense and not in a good way. I explain the fireplace issue. But I apparently did a good enough job of clearing the house of smoke that she does not bring it up again. We sit down for our meal, and everything was going well until she looks over and notices that wax is dripping off my aluminum foil and onto the buffet. Our heart of love had to be extinguished. Not a good sign.

She then talks about her day and how things are going at work. And she just keeps talking. It was mostly interesting, but I was only half paying attention, because I just wanted to get rid of this damn ring. I kept looking for any opportunity to butt in, but she was like the Energizer Bunny and kept going and going and going. I felt like she was trying to filibuster this proposal. Not gonna happen, lady. She got up to clean off her plate (should I have probably done that? Yes, but I had a lot going on in my head, so give me a break), and this gave me my opportunity. As she was at the sink, I grabbed my expertly placed ring from a drawer and walked over, dropped down to a knee, told her a bunch of lovey dovey, mushy stuff about how much I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, and boom, popped the question, got the yes, and put the ring on her finger. 

So I got my main squeeze locked down,which is good, because she's actually successful, and I have enough time to write a blog, so clearly things aren't looking up for me any time soon. Obviously, that is number one from this experience. But number two ain't bad either. My lady didn't feel like champagne that night. Champagne-drunk St. Patty's Weekend? Don't mind if I do.

Oscar Spoilers for 2014

Note: This is an article courtesy of Lukewarm Jonah. Check out his other work by clicking the label at the bottom of the article.

I was in an Oscar pool with a film critic friend of mine and was not happy when I got beat.  I’m a competitor, even in stupid things like picking the Oscars.  For mine and everyone’s benefit I’ve decided to break down the probable nominees and winners.  Use this information wisely and you can win some serious dough as well as impressing all your friends at the next Oscars.

Best Picture:

Snitch

GI Joe: Retaliation

Pain and Gain

Fast 6

Empire State (Not the stupid Zach Braff movie)

Probable winner: Fast 6.  No real drama here, I’m sure all these movies will have their strong suits, but there is no way Fast 6 can lose.

Best Leading Actor:

The Rock- GI Joe: Retaliation

The Rock- Snitch

The Rock- Pain and Gain

The Rock- Empire State

Vin Diesel- Fast 6

Probable winner: The Rock, Snitch.  The Rock really plays outside character in this role by not single handedly taking down the entire country of Columbia, and is actually shown to be vulnerable, even getting beaten up.  The Academy has to respect that kind of range.  If you’re looking for a sleeper, Vin Diesel could steal it from The Rock in Fast 6 because you know that the Academy is going to want to give that movie as many awards as possible.

Best Supporting Actor:

The Rock- Fast 6

Marky Mark- Pain and Gain

Ludacris- Fast 6

Roddy Piper- Fast 6 (Probably)

Liam Hemsworth- Empire State

Mankind- Martin Luther King Day

Tyrese- Fast 6

Kurt Angle- Pain and Gain

Probable Winner: The Rock.  He’s the best actor in the best movie of the year.  When they announce this category at the Oscars, they’ll just invite The Rock to sit on stage while the nominees are read.  Biggest gimmee pick of the year.

Best Actress:

Michelle Rodriguez- Fast 6

Adrienne Palacki- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jordanna Brewster- Fast 6

Rebel Wilson- Pain and Gain

Emma Roberts- Empire State

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable Winner: Emma Roberts, Empire State.  The Fast 6 run comes to a halt in the night’s biggest upset so far.  Emma Roberts is fantastic, and you pair her up with the Rock and she’s going to be making it rain with awards.

Best Supporting Actress:

Susan Sarandon- Snitch

Vivi Pineda- Pain and Gain

Gina Carano- Fast 6

Nikki Reed- Empire State

Elodie Yung- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable winner: Susan Sarandon, Snitch.  Classically trained actress playing opposite the Rock in a somewhat adversarial role?  That’s bigger Oscar gold than a movie about World War II.  Carano won’t win even though it’s Fast 6, not in her first outing anyways.    

Best Director:

Dito Montiel- Empire State

Michael Bay- Pain and Gain

Justin Lin- Fast 6

Ric Roman Waugh- Snitch

Jon Chu- GI Joe: Retaliation

Probable Winner: Justin Lin.  Honestly, this is a choice that I’m going against the academy on.  I mean all Lin had to do every day was show up and tell his all star cast to be awesome.  Seems like an incredibly easy directing job, but the smart money is on him taking home that gold statue.  Ric Roman Waugh should win for not directing the Rock to destroy everyone in sight.

So there you have your probable 2014 Oscar picks, I’ve got an in on the Academy and I can pretty much guarantee these nominees and winners.  The only real question left is whether the Rock will Rock Bottom anyone at the 2014 Oscars, John Malkovich I’m looking your way.

American Ninja: Cinema's Hidden Gem

A friend recently encouraged me to check out the movie American Ninja. By encourage, I mean that he brought over American Ninja 1-3 on DVD and told me that I had to check it out as these were his favorite movies growing up. I know that when I heard American Ninja, I assumed it must be a Chuck Norris film, but they went one better and got Michael Dudikoff. You may remember him as Conscript #2 in TRON. If that doesn't ring a bell, then you will definitely remember him in the smash hit, The Ringmaster, starring Jerry Springer, where Dudikoff played Rusty. Anyway, look at how badass he is on the cover.

Look how big his fists are, or how tiny his head is, either way, he will be very dangerous as he will hit hard or easily dodge punches designed for people with normal-sized heads. Two more things; first is that his name is Joe in this movie, because it is impossible to come up with a more badass sounding name. Second, expect a lot of spoilers, because I do not expect anyone to go out and watch this movie after this.

We see our hero all by his lonesome, playing with his switchblade while everyone else is playing hacky sack. He’s a part of the Army, but you can tell that he doesn’t quite fit in. Some hot chick came out, and everyone was impressed, everyone but the American Ninja. It is clear that his boner only gets hard by killing bad guys.

The Army bros get attacked by a group of Asian militants. Everyone keeps their cool and allows these terrorists to steal all of their supplies. That is, everyone but Joe. The American Ninja starts fighting a bunch of them, and all of these Asians refuse to use their guns. The hot chick takes a car and speeds away, but first she inexplicably stops, waits for her tire to get shot out, and then attempts to speed away, causing her to flip the vehicle. Women drivers, AMIRITE?

Anyway, these militants will only use their guns for long range shooting, so the military ends up kicking all of their asses. The Americans steal the guns, which looks like a good thing until Ninjas pop up out nowhere and start hauling ass on the Americans. Joe saves the girl’s life from the ninjas, and the ninja leader is impressed, as he states, “He possess great skirrs.”

When Joe is helping Patricia (Hot Chick's name), the movie really shines, because it is horribly offensive to women. She is complaining about not being able to run, so he breaks the heels off her shoes, and she is pissed. Ninjas are hunting her down, and she is worried about keeping her heels in tack. She then claims that she would rather be killed by ninjas than jump in a dirty river, but he makes her jump in anyway. She gets out of the water and wants a comb, because her clothes and hair are wet. So yeah, this movie wasn’t real progressive on equality.

We then find out that a Frenchie is behind the Ninjas. The Frenchie tells the head Ninja to kill our hero, and Black Style Ninja is pumped. What is a Black Style Ninja, you ask? Well, it is the only Ninja who has reached the highest rank that. This Ninja is the only one of that rank outside of Japan, so yeah, he's a pretty bad dude. We also get to see the Ninja training facility, and it looks like an episode of Ninja Warrior.

I'm not sure if that makes it more or less legit. One thing is for sure, ninjas love monkey bars.

Jackson is a drill sergeant that is pissed about Joe's antics, so he calls out Joe to fight him. Jackson is black, so you know that he is tough. He keeps asking Joe if he’s a badass, then accuses him of being a glory boy. Finally, they fight, and Jackson gets his ass handed to him. Jackson tries like six different moves and gets owned every time. It got so bad that Jackson took a club, while Joe put a bucket over his own head, and Joe still owned him.

Jackson asked him where he learned that stuff, but Joe had amnesia, so he has no memory. All he knows are ninja moves.

Jackson has the best plan ever when he suggests that him and Joe become professional wrestlers. i repeat, Jackson just suggested that they become PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. Just in case you are still skimming through, JACKSON JUST SUGGESTED THAT THEY BECOME PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. That is just...perfect. Unfortunately, Joe doesn't like crowds.

One thing Joe does like is hot babes, like Patricia. You see, she's a hot babe, and Joe likes her. Charlie, who changes opinions on a whim, helps Joe sneak off base to meet her. Charlie may be the best character in this movie. He is completely full of shit and says that chicks are always after his nuts and he's a world famous surfer back home in California. I don't trust Charlie, but I want to party with him.

Senor Ortega is the main boss, so apparently he’s not French. Whoops. I thought he sounded more like Jacques Rougeau than Alberto Del Rio. And yes, pro wrestling is the only way that I can tell foreigners apart.

We also find the US Army Sergeant and Colonel are working for Ortega, and that is why they have been so hard on Joe. The Sergeant tells him to report to a warehouse, but there are like a half dozen, a dozen, two dozen, 30 ninjas waiting for him. No big deal, Joe killed them all. The ninjas did many fancy flips, but Joe just kept stabbing them when they got close, which those ninjas were not prepared for. They even tried the cargo net trick, but that only works on Sting. He stabbed like 20 ninjas with the same sword but never got blood on it, so that’s something.

Joe gets thrown in Army Jail, and the Black Sword ninja goes to try and kill him. The Black Style Ninja runs like a total fairy. He is a big time prancer. No way an American Ninja gets taken out by this wuss.

The Military is about to take him in for murder, but he jumps over a couch to escape. Seriously. He jumped over a couch, busted through a window, and everyone in the military was left standing on the other side of the couch, unable to give chase. They had to take the long way to try to catch him. The Sergeant was giving chase, went off the road, yelled no, drove for a few more seconds, ran into a small tree, and then BOOM! His jeep exploded and he was blown to smithereens.

There were approximately 200 people stabbed in this movie. I saw blood once. There was a guy with a Chinese star sticking out of his head, and there was no blood. I just thought that should be mentioned.

Black Power Ninja killed American Ninja’s mentor. Shit is about to get real. Jackson came in to help, and you best believe that he is only wearing a camo tanktop and shooting everything in sight. He also has a fight with a large Asian dude where both of their primary offensive moves involved striking their opponent in the groin. Jackson keeps it real.

Eventually, American Ninja kills all the bad guys. All of them except for Ortega. Jackson, take it away.

KABOOM! I know what you're thinking, how can you watch this movie? Good news, here is the link for American Ninja, and movies 2-4 are also currently available for free on YouTube. Looks like I've got my next six hours planned out.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 6 - War

Well, if you saw the season finale of Suits on Thursday, you know that shit went down, but for those of you that didn't watch, let me just tell you: Shit went down. There wasn't just some shady behavior; there may have only been shady behavior throughout the entire episode. And don't get me started about that ending. Hoo boy, that ending. Anyway, for last week's rankings, click here. And now onto the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules:

1. Mike Ross - Got called Baby Harvey, and thought of it as a compliment...for Harvey. But, his lawyering was pretty weak as he totally sold out Harvey so he wouldn't go to prison. I don't think Jessica had the vagina balls to follow through with turning him in for being a fake lawyer, but he bitched out majorly. So, how in the hell is he ranked number one? The end of the episode, but we'll touch on that later.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica knows how valuable Harvey is. Jessica is trying to control Harvey by getting up in his grill. I hate her so much for what she did to Mike and Harvey, but goddamn if it wasn't some fine lawyering. She completely screwed over Harvey by threatening Mike and not allowing that information to see the light of day. It was incredibly shady, but that just makes me respect it more. I hate her for what she did, but I have no choice but to respect it.

3. Edward Darby - Darby throws a sexy party to impress Pearson Hardman employees. It does not impress Harvey. Secretly, Darby is scared of how good Harvey is, but Harvey must never know that. He showed some solid lawyering to put Harvey against the wall, but Jessica was the star of the team that won the case. Still, picking a team and having them do the work is a pretty boss thing for him to do.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Got in a fight with a British dude and threatened to shit on the Queen...or something. Then he became best friends with Nigel. But even a best friend of Louis will get screwed over by Louis, as he broke his promise to the Brit and barely felt bad about it. He truly Litt him up. Also, let's talk about mudding. I had no idea what this meant, so I decided to go for the best source to learn about such a term, Urban Dictionary, and since I don't think either of them can be butch, nor do they drive pickup trucks, it means that they either love dark ladies or entering dark places. I'm going with the latter and calling both of them scoundrels.

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey is doing everything he can to stop the merger. Harvey totally pulled a power move on Darby. "Oh and everything, that's your record against me," is definitely a line that I want to start using to shut people down. Both Jessica and Darby think that Harvey is about the best lawyer in the world; he's like the MICHAEL JORDAN of lawyering. Harvey ain't no homewrecker, so he doesn't want Scotty to be anything more than a bangpiece. He did help her get her job back, but he refuses to let himself fall in love. Also, he's not a partner, because Jessica outcheated him. He really faded down the stretch. The question is whether this is 1994-95 Michael Jordan, and he's about to be better than ever, or if it's Wizards Jordan, and he's about to go downhill and start wearing ridiculous clothes.

6. Dana Scott - She wants Harvey to be a partner in their super firm. Not because he's a great lawyer, but because she is actually in love with him. She has to sue him to get his attention, and she is willing to throw the case away to win his heart. She attempted to throw the case, but then lost her job instead, so that was a miscalculation on her part. She did get her job back with Harvey's help, but neither one of them will be partner anytime soon.

7. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Nigel thinks he's going to bang Donna; I do not see this turning out well for him. But he is also owning Louis at every turn. He calls a truce and follows through on it, like a total gentleman. A total gentleman that got screwed over by Louis.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - Got bamboozled by Louis into thinking that she was Harvard material. She looks more like a USC student to me. Does USC have a law school? I don't know, and don't care, but it still seems like a proper spot for Ms. Zane. But none of that is important. Law school rollercoasters of emotion are boring. The important part is that she decided it was time to get freak nasty when she found out that Mike didn't go to Harvard. I have lied about going to Harvard to seduce ladies, but I have never tried the opposite, but I may have to give it a shot. Honestly, Donna had this spot, but then Rachel showed some butt cleavage and was banging like a champ. She showed skin for the win, and BRAAAAAA...VO on that.

Butt cleavage. It was exactly how I hoped this season would end.