Friday, March 7, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Buried Secrets

So where did we leave off? Harvey locked down Scotty in the most noncommital way ever, which is just top-notch work. Jessica wants Mike to stop dating Rachel, because it is messing with her business, but she needs to learn that you can't fight the moonlight. Louis is now suspicious that Mike did not go to Harvard, because he's not in their master records. I'm also pretty sure all the British people are gone, but they can be shifty, so I can't say for sure. Also, Harold be Harold.

Also, a disappointing note. I just binge watched Game of Thrones, and I really missed out on some good jokes from last season. I would have definitely said something witty like, "Edward Darby clearly has no balls" when he got owned by Harvey. Or I could have said, "Why doesn't Ava Hessington just let this go like she did with Jamie Lannister?" I guarantee a few of you would have had some chuckles, so I apologize for missing out on those opportunities. Anyway, onto the rankings:

1. Dana Scott - That's right; we're starting with a lady at the top of the rankings. She got a 10% signing bonus for being less of a pain in the ass than Harvey, so I now have a new negotiating technique for my next job offer. Most importantly, she signed Michael Phelps, which seemed pretty easy. Honestly, if I had a meeting with Scotty, I cannot tell you all of the things I would agree to. She's also got her man paying her bills, so really, life is pretty damn great for Scotty.

2. Mr. Ross - Mike's Dad loved to party for any occasion. Also, on his first date with his future wife, he got so drunk that he spilled his drink on her, and "forgot her wallet" so she had to pay. Baller status achieved.

3. Harvey Specter - I just want to point out that Harvey's pajamas are nicer than the clothes I usually go out to dinner in. Harvey wants Dana to work at the firm, because he thinks their relationship has staying power. Love makes people do silly things. Silliest is that Harvey paid a half million dollars to continue sleeping with Scotty, which, uh, wow, she must be dynamite in the sack.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is pissed that Harvey is offering his bangpiece jobs at the law firm without consulting her. Still, as long as she gets her 500 Gs, she's cool with just about anything. I can't blame her for that.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is obsessed with beating Rinaldi, and he's not going to let peanuts come into his deposition. He straight up owns the expert witness, and then proves that the guy who died basically killed himself by drinking champagne. That's a power move, but not understanding the difference between drinks and drunk is a tad childish. He could have just as easily blamed his Dad's reflexes on it being late at night and him being tired. Still, he ended his evening with Rachel and sushi, so things could be worse for him.

6. Rachel Zane - Critiquing furniture as an excuse to move in together is a little passive aggressive for my tastes. She wastes a lot of time lighting candles when she really could have just put on that outfit and been done with her seduction techniques. She is only this high on the list for superficial reasons.

7. Sheila Sass - Wonderfully anal. She can also be bad, as she figuratively and possibly literally beat the shit out of Louis.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is concerned that Mike may have gone to a third-tier law school like Arizona State, and his impression of Arizona State students is shockingly accurate. Might be able to learn from them college kids on avoiding a Black Hawk Down situation. He disturbingly had his erect penis referred to as The Dark Knight Rises, so is Louis's penis horribly bruised and discolored? Whatever they do in their sex life, count me out.

9. Michael Phelps - Turned down Harvey as his lawyer, but got seduced by Scotty. Can't blame him for that.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna throws Louis off Mike's scent but doesn't really get hers. She's just a secondary character these days. Maybe she can start dating Michael Phelps.

11. Nick Rinaldi - The man who only gave Mike's family a few dollars for his parents' lives. He apologized, so he thought him and Mike were cool. Apparently not. He also calls Mike "son" which is a pretty great power move. He also showed Mike that his Dad had two drinks the night that they got killed by a drunk driver. Still, he lost the case, and he may be the least impressive lawyer that has ever been on the show.

12. Professor Girard - Never gets A+, because he's an old douche.

13. Rebecca Carlin - Slept with Harvey when she thought he was gay. Then had to get medicine for crabs because of Scotty's lies. Mentally struggles with itchy vagina to this day.

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