The title says it all, but I will expand a little on my thoughts. Not only will Chris Weidman beat Anderson Silva this Saturday, it is not even going to be much of a fight. Anderson Silva is incredibly dangerous, but Weidman is literally the worst possible matchup for Silva.
1. Silva Hates Wrestlers.
We can all agree that Silva struggled the most with Chael Sonnen, especially in their first fight. Weidman is currently a better MMA wrestler than Sonnen. He dominated Mark Munoz with his wrestling, and Munoz was a NCAA National Champion. He is that good.
2. Silva's Ground Game
So Silva is facing a better wrestler than Sonnen; he's still dangerous off his back. Silva is somewhat dangerous, but his submissions are slightly overrated. He's pretty methodical in his setups, and he always tries to attack one side. Weidman not only has great submission defense, his submission offense is pretty damn impressive as well.
3. All It Takes Is One Mistake.
This is true. Silva is an incredible striker. It's amazing to watch him, but if he expects Weidman to go for a spinning back fist like it's a good idea, he's got another thing coming. In the first fight against Sonnen, he not only got dominated by wrestling, but he got oustruck by Sonnen too, because he consistently put pressure on him. Sonnen dominated the first round of the second fight against Silva, and he could have been fine had he not slipped on his spinning back fist attempt. But that's the thing with spinning back fists. They're great when they work, but they can also make people look really stupid. Expect Weidman to use more traditional striking techniques to set up his takedowns.
4. Weidman By Decision?
No. Silva is not going to last five rounds with this guy. My heart is telling me one thing, while my brain is telling me another, but I'll go with my heart and say 2nd round TKO (my brain has Silva lasting until the third). Yes, Silva's an incredible striker, but Weidman is his kryptonite. Dan Henderson could have beaten Silva had he stuck with a gameplan of taking Silva down. Sonnen was two minutes away, but he was tired and got lazy with submission defense. In the second fight, he went big and was sent home. I don't see any of those three pitfalls affecting Weidman, and that is why he is going to give Anderson Silva the beating of a lifetime.
Other UFC 162 Predictions: Frankie Edgar over Charles Oliveira - Going with the wrestler. Tim Kennedy over Roger Gracie - Should be able to outstrike Gracie. Mark Munoz over Tim Boetsch - Not a big fan of either guy, but I'll continue my theme of going with the wrestler. Cub Swanson over Dennis Siver - Cub is too dynamic in all aspects of fighting. Andrew Craig over Chris Leben - I pretty much always pick against Leben. Norman Parke vs. Kazuki Tokudome - I predict these two will fight. That's all I know. Gabriel Gonzaga over Dave Herman - The UFC really hates Dave Herman, because they just keep putting him up against guys who are really tough fighters. Edson Barboza over Rafaello Oliveira - Bad night for the Oliveiras. Seth Baczynski over Brian Melancon - Just cuz. Mike Pierce over David Mitchell - Mitchell saved his UFC Contract last fight; he won't be so lucky this time.
So the movie starts off with some spoiled rich kid trying to attain his father's love and attention. His Dad is more concerned with making money than his son, so no luck for the little guy. Still, it seems like there are way too many movies about rich kids not being able to get love from their parents. At least they have money, so the kid can find comfort in hookers and blow.
The second scene is way better as this guy is leaving jail and gets a standing ovation from all of the prisoners. Basically, he has to be the coolest dude in all of Dudelandia.
Money Making Dad gets kidnapped.
Cool Guy is brothers with Preston Meyers from Can't Hardly Wait and John Cena. Their sister is Amy Smart. Their father died, and he has $12 million to give his family, but only if they run a business together for two years.
The bros go to a strip club to get started on their new business. Then the hot stripper they question decides to have a rendezvous with Cool Guy. Nice job, Cool Guy. Unfortunately, that stripper was married to a bad guy who tries to kill Cool Guy. Cena steps in and gives him an Attitude Adjustment with a bullet to the back of the head.
They go to Mexico to find bad guys, but Cool Guy still has game down there, as some half Mexican, half American Indian lady takes a fancy to him. Some bad dude kills that girl's grandfather. This makes her join the team, so they can take down the bad guys together.
Cool Guy is a world class lovemaker, because he is acutely aware of a woman's every need. Preston Meyers is confused by lady orgasms.
John Cena starts dressing like this to remain incognito...
Seriously.
So these guys are trying to find Money Making Dad to try to get the reward, but MMD is not a good guy, so it does leave you rooting against them in that sense. Especially since they have $12 million coming to them as long as they start a business together. Just start a bar. They could alternate the nights they work. Even if they lost a bunch of money, they could just call Jon Taffer to come in and Bar Rescue them.
Cool Guy is also a horse whisperer, because he listens to the lady horse's vagina.
Then it turns out there was no money. Amy Smart lied to her brothers. They were mad for 30 seconds before they decided it was cool, because now they're buddies, and now they are going into business together out of love instead of money.
The End.
Conclusion: This is not a good movie, but it's also not a regrettable movie. That leaves it in the upper end of WWE movies.
So I watched Celebrity Wife Swap for the first time. obviously, as the title indicates, the only reason I watched it is that Ric Flair was swapping "wives" with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Something I learned is that Celebrity Wife Swap does a very poor job of making people care. Their intros and conclusions were both boring and left me wanting to change the channel. I was fully in with Piper and Flair, but this is not a show that hooks you in, because they managed to make those two seem boring with their intro. The best part of the intro was, "Ric has finally settled down with his girlfriend, Wendy." Dude's been married four times.
Piper really stole the show. The problem with Flair is that Ric Flair is always Ric Flair. Nothing anyone can say will surprise you, because it's all so predictable. Piper, on the other hand, is always great, because he's casually condescending. With Ric's wife saying she doesn't do any work, Piper just replies, "Well, isn't that nice?" He's a great human being. These following quotes are not funny quotes, but they had me laughing my ass off from Piper's delivery.
"Meatloaf is one of my favorites...it's not anymore."
"I've been here 20 years, I couldn't name you a restaurant."
"Shopping's not cool."
Also, on this episode, Flair's girlfriend made Piper take the family out shopping. They somehow spent $8795.00. Without buying a car, house, or mobile home (car and house), I don't have a clue of how I could spend that much money shopping. I'd have a goddamn heart attack.
Flair's old lady also made Piper take her out on a date. Piper wore his kilt on their fancy date. This man gives zero fucks. He's the best.
Piper also has electric bagpipes, because of course he does.
Let's quickly focus on the ladies involved in this episode. Flair's girlfriend seemed like somebody obsessed with money and didn't really seem to care about much else. She did not come across well. Piper's wife just seemed like a simple person who was happy with a simple life. That sentence sounds kind of demeaning, but it is not meant to be, as she, like her husband, came across as a real human being that people can relate to. They also showed Flair's first wife, and I have no idea whether she was ever attractive. She has had A LOT of work done, and she is now in that terrifying stage of life where she has a petrifying frozen face.
Ric Flair also had some memorable moments including his one rule, "We do what I want."
Ric Flair spends $100,000 on dinner every year. He has a $300 meal every night. Once I see a meal goes over $20, I start feeling ill. Flair also spends $50,000 on a housekeeper. Needless to say, I felt like I would have much more in common with Piper than I would with Flair.
And that is the big difference between these two. This show is made for Piper, because he's a real human being who's had success but just lives off of what he needs and hasn't really let anything change who he is. He is incredibly relateable. Flair, on the other hand, is Ric Flair. He's not a person; he's a caricature, but he's having a blast doing it so more power to him. But his lifestyle isn't something that normal human beings can do. Flair is great for being a limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin' wheelin' dealin' son of a gun. Piper is just great.
Let's face it, the documentary Franklin and Bash is designed to teach. It is a show that I have learned so much from. First off, always go with the hot tub over the ocean. There are sharks in the ocean; the only biting pain you need to worry about in a hot tub is chlamydia. But anyway, here are the things I learned from this past week's episode of Franklin and Bash.
People Bowling - Bash seemed to knock down like everybody, but apparently messed up? I'm not sure how this game works.
Communication - Communication is key, but blowjobs make that impossible. This is why prostitutes are wise. I would think about seeing prostitutes for their wisdom, but shockingly, the prostitutes in eastern Iowa are goddamn terrifying.
Doctor-Patient Privileges - Sex surrogates are like doctors. It may seem like a reach at first, but proctologists stick fingers up asses, so is this really that big of a leap?
Sex Surrogates - Like prostitutes, but not. Prostitutes have sex with their clients, sex surrogates teach their patients how to make love. Important difference.
Hate Sex - If done properly, it can turn hate into real affection, and that is a beautiful thing. Sometimes, it is just a trick to get a better job.
Stanton Infeld - He was 16 and had sex with a 50 year old. I'm glad that Franklin and Bash don't even listen to his stories anymore. He also wears stupid sunglasses. Still the worst.
Coors Light - It is their drink, because Franklin and Bash are colder than cold.
Rachel King - Six years without sex, but doesn't want to be banged by old wrinkly balls judge either. Loosen up, lady.
Charlie - Will she ever be mentioned again? Is she sleeping with Rob Lowe? We may never know.
Since I am a blind optimist, I am assuming the Bulls are one piece away from winning the 2014 NBA Championship. I also think the Cubs are on the upswing, and the Bears will be lethal after they get rid of Jay Cutler after the season. I really wish I cared about hockey, because then I could celebrate the Blackhawks title, but I'm not, so the last pro title I got to celebrate was the Bulls 1998 title. Ah, those were the days.
But back to this current Bulls roster. They're totally awesome as long as Derrick Rose eventually plays basketball again. There are rumors that the Bulls might try and trade Luol Deng for a top pick, which I wouldn't be mad at. They don't lose much in going from Deng to Jimmy Butler, and Butler is still getting better. I don't expect that to happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if Deng did get traded for some sort of asset this offseason.
The great thing about the Bulls is that despite their front office never being mentioned as doing a good job, they do a really good job. Picking up Butler and Marquis Teague in the last two drafts both appear to be quality selections. Yeah, it's a little early on Teague, but I think with more playing time, the game will slow down for him, and he has the skills to succeed. Also, they keep putting together a successful bench, which is probably part front office and part Thibodeau getting the most out of his players.
The number one hole the Bulls have is at shooting guard. I could see the Bulls going bigger and having Butler at the two, but they would still need a good wing backup so Deng and Butler only play 45 minutes a night instead of 48. The other big need is at center, because I don't think they plan on Nazr hanging on for one more year, since he barely crawled through this season, but we'll always have this moment:
So, here are my top five choices for the Bulls at 20.
1. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope - KCP was originally projected to be picked around 20. Then people started watching him, and now there is a good chance he goes in the Top 10. Still, we're basing this information off mock drafts. Maybe he falls later, and the Bulls can scoop him up. He's a two-guard who can shoot and is athletic enough to score off the dribble. All you need is athleticism and you can be a good defender for Thibodeau, so yeah, he's dreamy. This is the dream scenario.
2. Reggie Bullock - Bullock kind of got lost in the shuffle at UNC, but he's pretty legit. He's not going to be an impact player, but he's a guy who can play good defense and make corner 3's. That's really all the Bulls need for that position.
3. Gorgui Dieng - This is the ideal center choice. Injury concerns are scary, but if he does stay healthy, he can come in and be Omer Asik for the Bulls. He would be a top 15 pick if he didn't have the injury concerns, so if he fell to the Bulls, I could dig that.
4. Tim Hardaway Jr. - He can create off the dribble, which would be a valuable asset for the Bulls bench.
5. Kelly Olynyk - A high energy big man seems like just the thing that Thibodeau would love to add to the squad.
Honorable Mention - I don't know enough about Jamaal Franklin or Tony Mitchell, since I never watch small school basketball. They both seem like decent players.
But the important thing is that the Bulls are going to win the title next year. I'll see you all at the parade.
So I have had these notes from the first two episodes of Franklin and Bash with the plan of turning into a well thought out post about the show. Instead, I'm just going to post the notes and let you figure it out. If you watched the episodes, this should all make sense. Feel free to ask for any clarification.
Jared Franklin - Jared is an amateur magician and performs marriages.
Peter Bash - Knows that a sticky floor is just good party traction.
Pre-game pushups. This is just a wise maneuver.
Pain killers really put him out of work.
Rachel King - She owned Franklin and Bash on Piers Morgan. She takes ballet, likes zombies, and does not like partying. Discipline is what she is all about. She depends on incompetence to get the better of Franklin and Bash. Gives Damien terrible advice about exposing his masturbation video, and gives her magician friend terrible advice too. She is an awful lawyer.
She cares about veterans.
August West - He is a magician, so of course he has to get defended by Franklin and Bash.
Tim West - The angry magician brother.
Damien Karp - Has to release his masturbation tape to the world. He's got a new hair cut, and it is HAIRRIBLE. He's trying to be Bash instead of being happy with who he is.
His hair was all over the place. Like, everybody should rewatch these episodes to see all the changes. It was really blwoing my mind.
Hannah - She gone.
Stanton Infeld - He brought on a name partner with no experience at his firm. That is a total bitch move. If you want to be the boss, you gotta act like a BAWSS. This was not a BAWSS move. He takes out Bash with a touch to the pectoral, because science.
He can no longer remember his made up stories, which I guess is progress.
Infeld is still the worst.
Pindar Singh - Such a nerd. Their hotel room had a lot of bodily fluids. Burned the house down.
Carmen - Carmen makes a lot of sense. I vote for more Carmen. She used speed dating to get information for a case.
I really wish the guys could have realized that they are working for the world's most famous magician and could have just paid for the bracelet ten times over and kept this whole thing quiet.
Hot Jury Member - Franklin and Bash just kept trying to seduce this broad with their lawyering ways.
Coors Light aluminum bottles - The drink of champions.
Right Boob Signatures - It is the preference of classy ladies.
Hot Tubs - RIP. They went from hot tubs being a central part of the show to only being used once last season, to now no longer having a hot tub.
Natalya - Ukranian broad.
Blue Moon - Because Franklin and Bash will not drink real beers this season.
Charlie - Hot blonde with a sexy Australian accent.
Don French - War veteran, tire slasher, overall badass. I just felt bad for him, because he had to have his celebratory party at the new house, so he didn't get to experience the magic of the hot tub.
Judge Maxwell Nunis - Loves Franklin and Bash. He tries to be zany too, but he could definitely use some work on his eccentricity.
AutoTrader.com - Great place to get sweet vehicles.
As the title suggests, this is something that we all need to talk about. Ashley Burns from Uproxx called it the song of the summer, and it's really hard to argue. Let's just go straight to the video, because I'm still going through a lot of different emotions about this.
Wow...just, wow.
First thing that jumps out, is hoowee, this song is awful, but it doesn't take an expert analysis to figure that out. These are three of the least intimidating dudes on the planet and putting on eyeliner and smearing ketchup on their faces definitely does not help their cause. The next thing that really jumps out is they chop a lot of hot dogs in this video, but only one time is it actually connected to a person, and in that case, they are chopping their own "dick" off.
You're not really helping your cause with this demonstration. Still, let's break down the members of the group. Say hello to The Rusty One.
He seems to be the leader of the group, because he is allowed to say "yeah" while the chorus is going. He's a "hood rich killer who will leave you bloody like a tampon." Bloody like a tampon is every 12 year-old's clever saying, and I expect more from The Rusty One. The most important thing he says is, "Put your fucking dicks in the air for Dr. Consequence. Dr. Consequence is probably my favorite member of the crew.
He kills it with his line of, "Woop Woop, choppin' nuts, bangin' sluts, fuckin' butts," which is just how Dr. Consequence lives his his life. He also rides in a lot of helicopters, which is pretty boss.
Finally, there is Young Nino, who is the worst of the group.
Not only is he the token fat guy, but with the makeup and the green hair, he is the token fat guy who is trying way too hard to fit in, which just makes him more of an outcast. I bet he is the worst at dick choppin' parties, because he just tries WAY too hard. Also, most of his rap revolves around him drinking wine, which is the least dick choppin' of all alcohols.
Dr. Consequence leaves us with a nice heads up that we shouldn't worry, because he's a doctor. Still, the best line of this song comes from The Rusty One, where he states, "You want some trouble, but the minute I show up with scissors...ain't no safety scissors either." His scissors will straight cut yo dick off.
And that's the whole song. After listening to it a dozen times, is it still terrible? Well, that's a complicated question, because music is really subjective, but yes, it is very terrible. Still, god bless the Young Torture Killaz for this summer jam. Never change, fellas...never change.
"Parents Just Don't Understand" is a song that I have been meaning to break down for a while. Probably like 25 years, because this song is brilliant and also one of the most inappropriate songs ever written. Somehow it has avoided scrutiny. Well, Fresh Prince, if that is even your real name, today is the day that you pay the piper. I would hope you have already heard it, but here is a video for those uninitiated.
Now onto the lyrics.
You know parents are the same no matter time nor place They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes So to you, all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand
Okay, this is actually all very acceptable. Parents be parents just as women be shoppin.
I remember one year My mom took me school shopping It was me, my brother, my mom, oh, my pop, and my little sister All hopped in the car We headed downtown to the Gallery Mall My mom started bugging with the clothes she chose I didn't say nothing at first I just turned up my nose She said, "What's wrong? This shirt cost $20" I said, "Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"
The Fresh Prince and I are totally on the same page on this one. This shirt is hideous. Sadly, this shirt is very likely to be fashionable soon if it is not already. Since I am in my late 20s, I have no idea what is cool with the kids these days.
The next half hour was the same old thing My mother buying me clothes from 1963 And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!
I just learned that his Mom did not buy him "zits." That never made sense, but you know, parents don't understand, and maybe his Mom bought pepperoni to rub on his face.
Oh, and what are Zips? They are just crappy shoes...with awesome commercials.
I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruining my rep" She said, "You're only sixteen, you don't have a rep yet" I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back, please" She said "no, you go to school to learn not for a fashion show" I said, "This isn't Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I'm not Bowzer Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers
This is Sha Na Na; I have a totally new respect for this opening verse.
There is so much that is going on in that picture. I...I can't even...words cannot do that photo justice. Let's move on.
But if you don't want to I can live with that but You gotta put back the double-knit reversible slacks" She wasn't moved - everything stayed the same Inevitably the first day of school came I thought I could get over, I tried to play sick But my mom said, "No, no way, uh-uh, forget it" There was nothing I could do, I tried to relax I got dressed up in those ancient artifacts
He probably should have just worn his clothes from the year before. Even if they were a little small, I would think it would be a better solution. Come on Prince, you've got to know the basics in staying Fresh.
And when I walked into school, it was just as I thought The kids were cracking up laughing at the clothes Mom bought And those who weren't laughing still had a ball Because they were pointing and whispering As I walked down the hall
I wonder what those kids were thinking. Like, "Wow, that guy looks like a real asshole in those clothes, but there ain't no way I'm gonna laugh at The Fresh Prince. Let's just point and whisper, out of respect."
I got home and told my Mom how my day went She said, "If they were laughing you don't need them, Cause they're not good friends" For the next six hours I tried to explain to my Mom That I was gonna have to go through this about 200 more times So to you all the kids all across the land There's no need to argue Parents just don't understand
I would just like to pause that just about everything in this first verse is completely understandable from The Fresh Prince's perspective. He tried to reason with his Mom, and she just wouldn't listen, and it really ruined his first day of school. This is all understandable. I point that out, because this second verse is in no way, shape, or form, understandable.
Oh-kay, here's the situation My parents went away on a week's vacation and They left the keys to the brand new Porsche Would they mind?
Yes, very much so.
Umm, well, of course not
You are not accurately thinking like your parents.
I'll just take it for a little spin And maybe show it off to a couple of friends I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood Well, maybe I shouldn't Yeah, of course I should
Oh, Fresh Prince, I understand your teen angst and that you must drive their Porsche, but this will turn out to lead to numerous bad decisions later on.
Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking
This is the whole reason that I am writing this post. This whole scene is SOOOOO messed up. Please continue, Mr. Prince.
I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions I honked my horn just to get her attention She said, "Was that for me?" I said, "Yeah" She said, "Why?" I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"
I really would like to find a way to reenact this scene but finding a random girl on the streets to get her part right would be really tough. And, I'm not sure the best way to respond when a girl tells me, "Go fuck yourself." Come on and take a ride with a helluva...shelf? Elf? That doesn't seem quite as charming.
She said, "How do I know you're not sick? You could be some deranged lunatic" I said, "C'mon toots - my name is The Prince Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?" She agreed and we were on our way
Woah, woah, woah. This scenario would never come close to playing out in real life. At least, dear god, I hope it does not happen in real life. If this is why there are so many missing girls, then some of the blame has to go to the ladies, because they ought to know better. These are very good questions from this young lady, but she should not accept these answers. If a man has a nice car, calls you "toots," and refers to himself as, "The Prince" run for your life. There is no positive outcome in that scenario.
She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - word We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive
Thought in Fresh Prince's head, "Just picked up a hot date, better take her to the best restaurant in town. You know my motto? LL Big M - Ladies Love Big Macs."
We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries with Cokes She kicked her shoes off onto the floor She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on" She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast The sun roof was open , the music was high And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh
This is an incredibly disturbing thought if you know where this song is headed. So, so, very disturbing.
She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far
Oh, God, that is WAY worse.
I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car
That's bad.
We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche And to make this long story short - short When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"
That's worse.
I almost had a heart attack that day Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway
WHAT? 12? 12 years old? A twelve-year-old? This song was recorded in 1988, which would have made The Fresh Prince 20 years old. I don't think I have ever, even when I was 12, thought, "You should have seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a 12 year old. When I was 12, I wasn't thinking that about 12 years old. When I was 20, I didn't come across many 12 year olds, and I certainly didn't drive around town in my 1993 Mercury Tracer trying to pick them up off the street. Not to mention this was a runaway, meaning that this girl was either in week-old clothing or simply down to wearing a potato sack. That is what got The Fresh Prince to think, "Wow, that girl is beautiful. I love her My Little Pony backpack and how she is playing with Barbies on the side of the street." That's way fucked up, and this was a popular song that nobody saw any issues with 25 years ago. This song will never be covered, because the person who sings that would immediately be brought in by the FBI for questioning. Anyway, let's move on...
I was arrested, the car was impounded There was no way for me to avoid being grounded
GROUNDED? You're worried about being grounded? That should be the least of your worries. In all honesty, you should be ecstatic that you got arrested before you committed statutory rape. I would send those cops a nice fruit basket.
My parents had to come off from vacation to get me I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me
Dude, you have no idea how close you came to finding out that jail is way WAY worse than having your father hit you. Your butt was nearly turned into a community glory hole.
My parents walked in I got my grip, I said, "Ah, Mom, Dad, how was your trip?" They didn't speak - I said, "I want to plead my case" But my father just shoved me in the car by my face That was a hard ride home, I don't know how I survived They took turns - one would beat me while the other was driving I can't believe it, I just made a mistake
No. No no no no no no no. That is not a mistake. Forgetting to lock the door is a mistake. Leaving the windows open with the AC on is a mistake. Nearly committing statutory rape is most certainly not a mistake.
Well parents are the same no matter time nor place So to you all the kids all across the land Take it from me, parents just don't understand
Sure, he almost went to jail for 20 years, but you really should have seen this 12 year old's bodily dimensions.
