Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Someone Tried to Trick Me Into Prostitution

It was really only a matter of time. I'm a smart, great-looking guy, with a mildly offensive personality. Chicks want to do me. That is why it is no surprise that I have been solicited to begin a career in prostitution. I recently received the following message via private message on Facebook:

Hey, man! I need your help if you're willing. Since we just ran into each other last week, I thought I'd ask. A friend of mine is completing his PhD in Psychology and has asked me to recruit some guys to be "guinea pigs" for his dissertation. If you'll help, it would be whenever you and I can work out our schedules (evenings and weekends are best for me) since I'm doing the work and sending him the results. It is a mental, emotional and physical profile that is reported to him without your name or any identifier and then gets dumped into a database to form an average answer. The mental questions are brainbuster questions--nothing real difficult. The emotional part I would describe a situation, you tell me how it would make you feel and what would you do. the physical is situps, pushups, bending, stretching... If you help more than once, he even pays a little cash. Please let me know if you're interested or not. Thanks.

Now most people would look at this message and assume it was nothing more than a simple Psychology experiment. Since I am far wiser than the normal person, I instantly realized that this was an introduction into the world of prostitution. I'll break this down, piece by piece, so everyone is able to follow along.

Hey, man! I need your help if you're willing. Since we just ran into each other last week, I thought I'd ask. A friend of mine is completing his PhD in Psychology and has asked me to recruit some guys to be "guinea pigs" for his dissertation.

An experiment where he's looking for guys to be his "guinea pigs"? It was at this point that my senses became heightened, because I have seen the documentary Taken, and realize that sexy people are often kidnapped and sold as sex slaves. Trust me, it's not all caviar and champagne when you're as good looking as me; there are negatives.

If you'll help, it would be whenever you and I can work out our schedules (evenings and weekends are best for me) since I'm doing the work and sending him the results. It is a mental, emotional and physical profile that is reported to him without your name or any identifier and then gets dumped into a database to form an average answer.

I hope everyone realizes the giant red flag in this one. Weekends and evenings? Most psychology experiments I am familiar with happen during normal business hours, but this one is best done on weekends and evenings. Because that's when their clients want their fresh meat, more importantly, that's when their clients want MY fresh meat.

On top of that, they plan on stripping me of my name and identification so I am just another hot stud with a body that won't quit. They're trying to take Hott Joe and turn him into Hot Joe. Not happening.

The mental questions are brainbuster questions--nothing real difficult. The emotional part I would describe a situation, you tell me how it would make you feel and what would you do. the physical is situps, pushups, bending, stretching...
Although I have not gone through the process, I am pretty sure I know what the test will be.

A brainbuster question will probably go something like this: If you charge $50 for a woman to fellate you, and $100 to have sexual intercourse with her, how much would you make if you had sex with three women and got fellated by six? (Answer: $600, plus tip)

Emotional questions would be: 1. How would you feel if you were getting paid to have sex with a beautiful woman? 2. How would you feel if you were blindfolded and thought you were being paid to have sex with a beautiful woman, only the blindfold slipped off and you realized you were having sex with a senior citizen? 3. And finally, how would you feel if that senior citizen put a finger in your butt? (Answers: 1. Normal. 2. Not totally shocked. 3. Disgusted, my number two is an exit only.)

The physical tests are pretty self-explanatory; they just want to make sure my body won't quit (It won't). But just in case any ladies were wondering how I would test out on situps, pushups, bending, and stretching, my results would be: Infinity, Infinity, Wow, and Amazing.

If you help more than once, he even pays a little cash. Please let me know if you're interested or not. Thanks.

This really just hammers the point home that this is no psychology experiment. This is strictly to get my body (and my bird) into prostitution. I can't say I blame them, and I know that this will not be the last time that some big dreaming entrepreneur tries to get me in the seedy underworld of prostitution. Being great at everything isn't easy, but somebody's got to do it.

-Joe

P.S. I know that this is most likely a solicitation into gay prostitution, but I don't want to go down that path, so let me live in my happy world where they simply wanted to sell me to some rich, old lady who wanted a hot stud for her sexual exploration.

P.P.S. I give a variation of this speech every time I take my clothes off:

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Let's Talk About Dolphin Sex

Let's talk about sex. But not that boring guy-girl, guy-guy, girl-girl everyday boring sex. I want to talk about hot sex. Sex so hot that it could literally kill a person. Yes, today, I would like to talk to you about Dolphin Sex.

That's right, due to my policy of letting each Facebook fan pick a topic for a post, today will be about dolphin/human intercourse, thanks to Dave's suggestion.

To find out about Dolphin Sex, obviously my first stop was DolphinSex.com. Unfortunately, that site has been shut down. So I went to the next logical spot, BeastForum.com. It's a phenomenal website that will help you answer any of those tough beastiality questions that you're afraid to talk to your parents about. I scanned through topics, and found a post about dolphin sex. Needless to say, I was extremely pleased to see it was from user Beavis69, as he can always be counted on to bring the hard-hitting facts without the BS that you'll receive from some of the less esteemed users.

Before I get into things, I'd just like to say that I am 99% sure that having any sort of sex with dolphins is illegal in America, so do not go to SeaWorld with your wad of hundreds and your magnum condoms, because you will not be doing any plowing. In fact, there's a good chance you'll get plowed because your ass will be heading to the clink.

Part One - Dolphin Vaginas
First off, we'll address the fellas that have grown tired of good ol' fashioned human vagina. The simplest way to put this is that if a human female had a dolphin vagina, she would be the most popular woman in the world. Dolphins live under water. I do not have a vagina, but I am assuming that getting saltwater up in there is probably not a pleasant experience. To avoid this, a dolphin female has several lips on the inside to help keep the saltwater out. When dolphins have sex, these lips pull the penis in to give her a better chance of being impregnated, and for the penis, it will feel like the vagina is sucking your penis in. So it's basically like getting a blowjob from a vagina, and the best part is that there's no teeth involved.

Still, you're banging a dolphin, so don't do it.

Part Two - Dolphin Anus
Many of you, some of you, a few of you, one of you is probably thinking, "Hey, this dolphin vagina sounds great, but what if she's being all prude and says she doesn't want to get impregnated by a human." Ignoring the fact that you both can't get a dolphin pregnant, nor can you understand the squeaks of a dolphin, I would like to help you with your predicament. Are you thinking about sticking your number one guy in her number two hole? Not happening brah. A dolphin anus is not big enough for pleasure as even a finger would cause the dolphin great pain. Also, dolphins shit everywhere so watch out for that.

Seriously, stay away from dolphin anus.

Part Three - Fellating Dolphins
And finally, a fact for the ladies out there that think dolphins are, oh, so sexy. Do not fellate a dolphin. I repeat, do NOT fellate a dolphin.

The first reason is that, even though Beavis69 disagrees, it has been reported by reliable sources (The Internet, which NEVER lies) that the force behind a dolphin's ejaculation is enough to snap a person's neck. It might be a fact, it might be a myth, either way, I don't think it's worth it to try to find out.

The second reason is that you may never make it to the ejaculation, because the force behind a dolphin's thrust is most certainly enough to break your neck. My favorite quote from Beavis69's post is this, "ORAL SEX SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED ON WILD DOLPHINS!" He's totally fine with the other stuff that I have mentioned in this post (and a lot of other disturbing stuff that I did not want to get into), but fellating a wild dolphin is one thing he will not stand for.

I don't know why anybody would want to, but don't go around blowing dolphins.

Let me wrap up this post by saying that although some of the information in this post may intrigue you, do not have any sexual relations with a dolphin. I repeat, do NOT have ANY sexual relations with a dolphin...even if it's super sexy, like this dolphin.
-Joe

P.S. There are very few things that make me sick to my stomach, but this post was definitely one of them. I have no idea if Beavis69 is correct, and I have even less of an idea of how he found out this information if he is correct.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Gives Hulk Hogan A Verbal Beatdown - Part Three

And now it is time for the exciting conclusion of Warrior's verbal beatdown of Hulk Hogan where karma finally comes to collect.

I will admit that Part Seven is an absolute rollercoaster ride. It seems simple enough, but when you find the answers, The Warrior changes the questions (Credit to Roddy Piper on that one). All I can tell you is to read carefully and hopefully your mind is not turned into melted cheese.

Warrior sued Vince McMahon for the DVD that was made about him. This was probably a good idea, because it seems like most casual wrestling fans have had the chance to see this video.
Warrior also brought up the time that he held up McMahon for money before he would go out for a match. He does not dispute this part. But he thinks it makes Hogan look bad, because him and Sgt. Slaughter were going to take Warrior to the broom closet to straighten him out.

Hulk would not admit he was at his own house while commenting on the Warrior DVD. I have no idea how this has any relevance.
In one of Hogan's books, Hulk apparently put a gun in his mouth and contemplated suicide. Warrior says Hulk doesn't have the courage to put a gun in his mouth. Somehow, people who commit suicide are cowards, yet people who like Hulk who don't have the guts for suicide, are also cowards. My mind is blown.

Warrior finishes by saying he is unimpressed with Hulk's life, and is happy he didn't kill Hulkamania with the bullet that Hulk gave him. Um, hum. I guess that kind of makes these videos pointless. I wish he would have put this tidbit in Part One.

PART EIGHT:
Part eight is the Warrior's way of wrapping things up.
"I wanted somebody to stand the fuck up and set the record straight and let the world know what he (Hulk Hogan) truly did to the business...I would have been inspired by that."

But nobody did.

Luckily The Warrior is speaking up. If you are not inspired by the following, then I feel sorry for you, because it is clear that you are a lost cause, much like Hulk Hogan.

Warrior is shining up his bullet and making a call to The Warriors.
He wants people who want to reach their best potential, not their worst.
He wants people to enlist. Help him load the bullet into the chamber.
Warrior will shoulder the weapon and pull the trigger. That's right, this time he'll pull the trigger.
This is how Karma is coming to collect.

I know exactly why there is a bonus part to these videos. The people who were editing them cut everything down, and Warrior asked where the Melted Cheese Mind part was. They responded that the Melted Cheese Mind part was way too stupid to include in the video. Ultimate Warrior then told them that he would like it to have its own video so The Warriors can decide whether it was too stupid to be exposed to the world. I cannot thank The Warrior enough for his decision.

There is a book series called the Wimpy Kids books. In it, there is a piece of melted cheese that is on the blacktop. Nobody touches that disgusting melted cheese. That melted cheese is Hulk Hogan's mind. He follows up that talk with this beautiful quote:

"Are those books above your reading level Terry?...They might be."

BURN.

But why does nobody touch the melted cheese? If you touch that piece of cheese, you're infected with cooties the rest of your life. That's right folks, Ultimate Warrior believes in cooties. Finally, The Warrior sums up his analogy with this:

“It's brilliant, and it fits.”

Much like all 57 minutes of your video. Thank you, Ultimate Warrior.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a video with Weird Al and Macho Man, how could anybody not watch it?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Gives Hulk Hogan A Verbal Beatdown - Part Two

Today, we continue the clothesline of courage known as The Ultimate Warrior's verbal beatdown of Hulk Hogan. Yesterday was parts 1-3, so today will be 4-6.

This is where shit gets really shocking. Macho Man saw Hulk Hogan at a hospital and invited him to a barbecue to bury the hatchet. This sounds awesome, right? Some macho burgers, maybe some ribs with Madness sauce, and obviously everything topped off with some Slim Jims. This is a barbecue that legends are made of.

But Hulk Hogan didn't look at it this way, he mocked Savage for having the audacity to invite someone of his status to a barbecue.


Warrior then goes into how Hulk broke up Macho Man's first marriage with Elizabeth, but it's all pretty boring stuff.

The most interesting thing from part four is that Ultimate Warrior refers to gimmicks as something you can digest. I'm 90% sure it means steroids, but it may be some endangered animal that is high in protein that only professional wrestlers know about. I really hope it is the latter, because I plan on ordering Gimmicks at every restaurant I go to. I figure as long as I wink at the waitress immediately after, she'll get me the good stuff.

This part is dedicated to bashing Hulk's children. I'm not kidding about that, it's all about how they are failures because of their father.

The nicest thing he says is that Brooke had incredible talent, but that Hulk ruined it for her. I have to agree with Warrior here, as I would never let my child do a song with Paul Wall.
And in case you were wondering, Warrior has confirmed that Brooke Hogan's 15 minutes of fame are up.

Warrior talks about Nick a little bit, but let's face it, nobody gives a shit about Nick Hogan. He basically just says that he's an awful person, just like his father.

If you plan on watching all the videos, skip part five, because it's pretty boring, and Warrior really loses the focus for his hatred.

Warrior's groundbreaking truths are really slowing down. His lowest point is when he had to make an adamant statement that Hogan knows who he is. Um, dude, I could have told you that. I have a picture of you two together.
Hogan may be old, but I doubt he forgot a WrestleMania.


If you think that parts 4-6 were pretty weak. You're right, they were pretty weak. But parts 7, 8, and the bonus feature help things end on a high note.

Your Founding Father of Hottness,

Hott Joe

P.S. I know what a lot of you are wondering right now. What are X-Pac's feelings on the Hogan-Warrior feud? Luckily, here is the answer which includes claims of Warrior smoking pot and rumors that Warrior used to be a gay prostitute.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Gives Hulk Hogan A Verbal Beatdown - Part One

It finally happened. After weeks of anticipation, The Warrior finally delivered on his promise that karma was coming to collect on Hulk Hogan. He had shown us some choice excerpts to whet our appetite, but on Friday, he released all 57 minutes, split up into nine parts, on his website and YouTube.

I know when I really hate people, it takes me about five minutes of pure verbal abuse before I'm worn out. So when Warrior first spoke of this video, I assumed that, at most, half of it would be dissing Hogan, and he'd tackle some other topics along the way. Nope. Warrior has 57 minutes of video, and 55 minutes of pure hatred for Hulk Hogan. His hatred of Hulk Hogan is 11 times my hatred of any other person. And that doesn't even count that he had someone edit this, meaning they actually cut some of his hatred out. Yes, The Ultimate Warrior is incredibly awesome.

Before I get into this, I want to give a warning to everyone out there. If you start watching this, you will not be able to stop.

PART ONE:

The Warrior is very wise, so he starts off the video by establishing his credibility and diminishing any credibility from Hulk Hogan and any of his friends. He is the only person who has become an adult. The rest of them still act like selfish children.

The Warrior is clearly above other people in the wrestling business, so he states that he doesn't care about the wrestling business.

Next, he brings up how ridiculous it is that Hulk Hogan doesn't acknowledge his impact on the business. He's also pissed about Renegade. I'm hoping he meant this version...
Because I absolutely love this version...
Lorenzo Lamas was a badass. But I digress.

Warrior also hates somebody named Trident or Triton or Trytan. I don't remember the guy, but it seems as though it was another Ultimate Warrior copycat. 

Simple minded people would say that this is a contradiction, but true Warriors would realize that he both doesn't care about the wrestling business but needs to mention that Hulk should recognize his contribution to the business, while laughing at their failed attempts to copy his gimmick. It's called a Clothesline of Creativity, try to keep up. Speaking of Clotheslines of Creativity, here is the best quote from part one:

“I do own a piece of your psyche. And if I do, then all the Ultimate Warrior fans do too.”

Hell fucking yeah. I own a piece of Hulk Hogan's psyche. It's totally badass being a Warrior. Onto Part Two.

PART TWO:
Part Two was probably the strongest part of the entire series of videos, but there were a lot of things that were in his highlight video that he released a couple weeks before this video. I will only briefly touch on those things, like this quote on Hulk Hogan's open marriage:

"I bet I'm the only guy who ever said no to doing your wife."

I don't know where I'll ever be able to use that, but god damn, I sure would like to tell somebody that before I die.

Hulk Hogan apparently loves drugs. Here is the proof.
Hulk Hogan said this all the time “A day without smoking pot is like a day without sunshine.”
There are days where Hulk does nothing but snort cocaine.

Hulk Hogan hides drugs in his fanny pack.

Juvy Juice, which is not to be confused with Juvie Juice. It's actually Rejuvenation Juice and it amps up the dopamine levels, gets you really high, and it can kill you. Hulk had it in a half gallon bottle. 

1. Wrestlers come up with the coolest phrases ever.
2. I have doubted fanny packs for a long time, but it appears that they may be pretty damn awesome. I guess I should have bought that leather American Flag fanny pack when I had the chance.
3. I'll stick with Juvie Juice instead of Juvy Juice.

After this, the Warrior gets bored with Hulk's drug habits and starts to attack his look. He is not impressed with somebody wearing a do-rag at almost sixty years old. Warrior also says that Hulk wears 50 cent sunglasses. Those are not to be confused with 50 Cent sunglasses.
He then talks about Hogan's flap of extensions.The Ultimate Warrior cannot contain his laughter after telling the world this. I would argue that the following is probably the greatest clothesline of creativity in the entire video series:

"If you lift the flap of extensions on the back of Hulk's neck, you would find The Wizard of Oz. I was only partially right, you would find the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion, because you don't have a brain, you don't have a heart, and you have absolutely no fucking courage."

That's what we in the industry like to call a "BURN."

But my favorite part of the video was one of the few times where he took a break from bashing Hogan. When Warrior sees a combover or overweight people, he says, “there's some serious character flaws, serious lack of character happening there.” Ultimate Warrior HATES fat people (and bald people too).

PART THREE:

There are only two things of note in this part.
First off, when The Warrior says, “I want to wrap this thing up.” This loses a little luster, considering there are still five more parts and a bonus video after this.

Second, Warrior just cited Macho Man's rap album, and agreed with the song, “Be A Man” because it tells Hulk to...um, Be A Man.

And that wraps up part one of my analysis of The Ultimate Warrior's "Karma's Coming To Collect" videos. Tune in tomorrow for part two.

Your Founding Father of Hottness,

Hott Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco LOVES chandeliers, or chandeleers:
Jose Canseco

Lake house has no chandeleers and I need some. Any light company want to trade 2 or 3 for signed bat or any game worn piece of equipment.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Jose Canseco Does Not Learn From His Mistakes

I think through reading and writing about Jose Canseco, it is safe to say he is a simple person. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but only as an illustrative point that he believes in the basic needs of life and his ultimate goal is to recapture the American dream that he once lived. Recently, he has felt betrayed by his loved ones, and I wanted to help, not only him, but the entire world learn from his mistakes.

Jose Canseco  
I made a total fool of my self for someone who never even cared about me .what an idiot I am
Well, I could have told you that putting Ozzie on the roster was a bad idea, but I don't think anyone thinks you're a fool for it. Also, had you not stopped him, I bet he would have posed as you in that boxing match, so I think you're overreacting when saying he doesn't care about you.

Jose Canseco  
I actually thought I was going to marry leila .what an idiot I am
Oh. That's the person you were referring to when you were talking about you looking like a fool. Um, Ozzie, I guess I owe you an apology. Just ignore everything I wrote at first. You're a very great independent league baseball player, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

Jose Canseco 
I am looking for a wife anyone interested
This is not a well thought out plan. Jose Canseco is much more famous than me, but if I did this, I would have women lining up to marry me on the spot. And it's not just because I'm incredibly good looking. It's because if there's one thing I know about females, it's this: Bitches are crazy. Everybody thinks that women are interested in two things, marriage and babies. This is actually a misconception. Ladies love one thing, stuff. They just love to get stuff. When people get married, they get a bunch of stuff, when they pump out a little one, they get more stuff. This is all that ladies care about, so Jose, you've opened up a can of worms, I just hope you can shut it before it's too late.

Jose Canseco  
Love makes fools out of all of us especially me
Hey, it happens to the best of us. At least you have learned a valuable lesson. 

Wait a minute, what's that? No. It can't be. I know he learned something. This must be a mistake.

Jose Canseco  
Hi lady gaga guess who
God damnit.

-Joe

P.S. For lessons on how to tweet hard enough to give a dolphin a boner (more on that next week), learn from The Ultimate Warrior.

The Ultimate Warrior
Warrior God for ULTIMATE time. Demand is HIGH. Escort limited to pro-wrestlers wives. Reserve right to refuse service. No, HH. Linda, no.
Say what you want about The Ultimate Warrior, but a disparaging personal ad in 140 characters is pretty damn impressive. Bravo, Jim Warrior, bra-fucking-vo.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Juventud Guerrera Will Make You Juicy

It is time for another reader suggestion (Remember, you too can have me write about anything you would like by liking Uncensored Writing on Facebook). This time coming from reader Jake, who had the following suggestion:

"you should explain "juvi juice" to the unknowing"

And that is an excellent idea. Let's dive in.

Juventud Guerrera was just another crazy Mexican high-flyer with a mask. That is, until one fateful night where he would wrestle El Dandy. Although he would put on a great performance in defeating El Dandy, the post-match turned out to be far more important than the actual match itself (go to five minutes in to get to the important events).  For those unable to watch the video, this was the night that Chris Jericho put up his Cruiserweight title against Juventud's mask.

The match happened a couple weeks later and Juventud lost, hence losing his identity, the thing that Mexican wrestlers hold dearest in their lives, he had lost his mask. When Juventud was unmasked, people were absolutely shocked, because Juventud Guerrera was actually...very, very ugly. I mean, you can usually get away with being ugly in wrestling, but Juventud was stop in your tracks ugly. Check it out.
The best way to sum up Juventud's looks it that he looks like a transvestite, but it's impossible to tell if he's a guy trying to look like a girl, or a girl trying to look like a guy.

When you're exposed as some hybrid dual-transvestite, there really is only one thing you can do...impersonate The Rock. He transitioned from Juventud Guerrera to Juvy Juice or The Juice for short. The Rock was the most popular wrestler in the world at the time, so a Mexican who still has yet to master the English language impersonating him would have to be a huge success, right? Well, if you measure success in ratings, you were sorely disappointed. But if you measured it in unintentional comedy, then yes, this was a rousing success.

His trademark catchphrase became, "The Juice is in the house, and the house is in The Juice." It was always more memorable as it came out "De Juish is in de housh, and de housh is in De Juish."

The only problem with The Juice is that he has been completely erased from the internet. I couldn't find a single YouTube video of his promos from WCW. I can find every single Royal Rumble on YouTube (even the first one in 1988 when there were only 20 guys and Hacksaw Jim Duggan won it), but Juvie Juice apparently didn't make the cut.

Luckily, there is a video of Juvie Juice giving one of his trademark promos. Unfortunately, the promo was done after the Juice had fallen on hard times, as it is a profanity-laced diatribe from an organization called XPW.
I guess the most amazing thing about this video is that he still embraced The Juice gimmick. It would be as if the Kane gimmick had never happened and Glen Jacobs was still walking around independent shows as Fake Diesel. It's unfathomable, yet it's actually happening.

As bad as this is, it actually gets worse for our Juicy hero. His juiciest moment would have to be in AAA at Rey de Reyes where he would make a surprise appearance, win his match, and then join D-Generation Mex. Shortly thereafter, he accused Konnan of shitting in his gym bag, and Konnan responded by breaking Juvie's nose. Clearly the K-Dogg is not a juicy person.

And with that, I bid you adieu and hope that you too can become a juicy person. That is, if you can smelllalalalalalala, what the Juice...is cookin'.

-Joe

P.S. If you haven't seen the Conan O'Brien commencement speech at Dartmouth, I highly recommend checking it out as it is a great illustration of why O'Brien is so much more likeable than Jay Leno.

Monday, June 13, 2011

LeBron's Struggles Are a Good Thing For LeBron Fans

LeBron choked again. Jordan will always be better. LeBron will never win the big one.

These are the common themes that have been harped on during and after the conclusion of the NBA Playoffs. Let's go through them one by one.

So maybe LeBron isn't clutch. Really, how many people are? Sometimes I'm clutch. Other times, I can give myself paralysis by analysis and not always do things to the best of my abilities. I'm guessing most people have some combination of clutch and unclutch moments. LeBron is the same way, as he showed clutch moments against the Bulls and unclutch moments against the Mavericks. Being clutch is something that is horribly overblown by the media, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist at all. Had LeBron been shot and killed after the Chicago series, he would have been looked at as someone who had finally figured out how to win, but was taken away from us at the height of his powers. Because of the Dallas series, he's back to square one. This is a good thing.

And finally, LeBron will never be seen as better than Jordan, because nobody will ever be seen as better than Jordan. LeBron could win multiple titles, lead the league in scoring seven times, lead the league in rebounding eleven times, and even lead the league in assists once to prove he isn't selfish. Hell, he could average 50 points a game for a season and he still wouldn't be seen as better than Jordan. You know how I know this? Because Wilt Chamberlain already did it. There is no possible way for a player to be recognized as better than Jordan. Jordan will forever be the best, so if you hear a debate starting about the topic, just leave, or change the channel, because all you're going to hear is two people wasting their breath. LeBron will never be better than Jordan, but that's a good thing.

LeBron's failures in the playoffs are what makes him keep going. He is by far the most talented player that has ever played this game. If he had five championships by now, what is the point of continuing? What drives a person who has shown they can dominate the league with sheer will? It happened to Jordan and he played baseball for two years. Jordan loved to win, but it came to a certain point where he knew the win was inevitable. At that point, what really is your motivation? It is a good thing LeBron still doesn't have a ring. Love him or hate him, he's pretty god-damned amazing to watch. I love Derrick Rose, but LeBron destroyed Rose in the playoffs. It hurts me to admit that, but there is no other way to interpret what happened. As a Bulls fan, I was pissed, but looking back as a basketball fan, holy shit, that LeBron James guy is something else. The scary thing is that he could get better. The scarier thing is that this loss gives him a reason to.

And that's a real good thing.

-Joe

P.S. But yeah, I still hate him and hope he never wins another basketball game for the rest of his career.

P.P.S. This has been thrown all over the Internet, but just in case you didn't know, Debbie LOVES cats.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Plus-Size Brothel Ideas

This is the second piece in my series of allowing one topic from anyone who likes this site on Facebook. The first post was a resounding success, but it appears that the streak of great posts inspired by The Hotties will end at one as this is a real shit sandwich of an idea. Alex suggests this topic:

"if i were to create a plus-size brothel, what would be a more apt name? the purple wildebeest or helga's heavy whorehouse?"

At first, I thought I was just going to pick one of those two options and call it a day. At least then, I'd know that this was my worst post ever, and could produce any sort of shit and still be happy that it was better than this. But I expect more, you expect more, and Hott Joe's ho's that he keeps on the down low expect (and get) more. So let's dive into this topic.
As for your question, it can be most simply answered by going with Helga's Heavy Whorehouse. It's an alliteration, and Purple Wildebeest is the name of a band that is twice as popular as this site on Facebook (by the way, tell your friends to like this site on Facebook so I can be more popular than Purple Wildebeest). But honestly, both answers are wrong. HHW makes it sound like the house that they're in weighs a lot, like maybe it was made with steel support beams instead of good ol' fashioned American lumber.

But it is not beneficial to just destroy someone else's ideas without coming up with something more awesome to replace those shitty ideas. Hence, I have some suggestions that will be separated into three tiers.


Tier 1 - The First Names That Popped Into My Head
Sensual Sandy's Sex Emporium - I like this one, because the words sex and emporium go extremely well together. Like the words butt and stuff, it's a match made in heaven.

Big Bertha's Brothel - You ever seen a skinny Bertha? Me neither, so you know the broads at this brothel will bring the thunder.


Tier 2 - If I Were Starting a Plus-Size Brothel...
Hott Joe's Jiggly Jezebels - This would probably work for a place, but I can't have the brand of Hott Joe associated with fatties. I have an image to uphold, so this one is eliminated from contention.

Jose's Husky Hotties - Going by my Spanish name of Jose, I feel I have a name that more exemplifies that world of plus-size brothels. Wait, is that racist? That might be racist. If that's racist, ignore that. If it's not racist, it's an incredible alliteration. Bravo me. Plus, calling them hotties instead of the simpler name of whores heightens the clientele that I feel this establishment could bring in.

Tier 3 - The Best
Fatty Patty's Tatties - Early on, I got stuck in a world of alliteration. But once I got off that kick, my ideas really took off. This one just rolls off the tongue, which I love. There is one problem though. It's a great name for a plus-size strip club, but it doesn't quite get the message across that these ladies are there for the banging. Hence, it can only take second place to the winner...

The Blubber Hole - So simple, yet so perfect. If you're from out of town and someone suggests going to The Blubber Hole, you know exactly what kind of establishment you are going to. Just don't get lost once you get inside, because it's a lot easier to find your way in than it is to find your way out.

-Hott Joe

P.S. For those of you who don't like the larger ladies, and are unable to get the smaller ladies. Get yourself an inflatable lady, and then you will not only have a life partner, but you can also enter this race.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Preview Video

When we last checked in with The Ultimate Warrior, he was predicting the destruction of Hulk Hogan. We are much closer to that destruction as he has released a preview video of what will be a 57-minute video exposing Hulk Hogan for the type of person he truly is. I'll be waiting for the entire video to come out before I go deep into my analysis. With that being said, if you're able, I highly recommend watching the 7 minutes of pure magic that The Warrior released. If not, I will list the highlights below.

The highlights from this video include:
Ultimate Warrior prominently displays Ultimate Warrior toys.

He also displays a few paintings, my favorite being a half Ultimate Warrior/half Jim Warrior painting that definitely qualifies as a clothesline of creativity.

Hulk and his wife contributed to Macho Man's divorce from Miss Elizabeth.

There are days where Hulk Hogan spends his entire day snorting cocaine.

Hogan assisted other guys in keeping them as junkies so he could control them.

Hulk and Linda had an open marriage where they were both whores.

The best quote from the Warrior is, "I bet I'm the only guy that ever said no to doing your wife."

Warrior also makes fun of Hulk Hogan wearing a do-rag.

And finally, the most shocking accusation of all, he claims Hulk has hair extensions.

There's a lot of thoughts running through my head, but as I said before, I'm saving my analysis until The Warrior releases all 57 minutes of this amazing video. Instead, we will end with a Clothesline of Creativity from the man himself.

The Ultimate Warrior
Most dangerous is NOT the one who has nothing to lose. Most dangerous is the one who does not want or need the spoils of his victory.
I don't know about you, but I'm ready to go headbutt a honey badger.

-Joe

P.S. As badass as the Warrior is, there is another wrestler that is even more badass. His name is Dan Gable, and you can read about him here and here. Both articles are well worth your time.

P.P.S. Don't be a nerd, like this site on Facebook.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Adventures With Strippers: She's Just A Care Bear

Hey Hotties, Hott Joe here.

This is the first post in my new feature of writing about any topic that a new member of my Facebook group suggests. You can join that with the link on the right or by going here. Not only can you suggest a post, but I have promised to buy each member a beer if you see me out and about one evening. But let's get to the story suggested by Patrick that involves an innocent stripper named Care Bear.
Back in a period long ago, I was employed by an NBA franchise. After a full Friday of slinging tickets, we decided to get the night started right by going to the local Goth bar. As some of you may know, the disadvantage of going to a goth bar is that you don't want to stick your penis in anything that is walking around in there. The good news is that they had dollar tots and dollar High Lifes. With deals like that, it's well worth the sacrifice of not having any attractive females present.

To say we stuck out at this bar is an understatement. Some people in our group had suits on, and at worse, we had on a shirt and tie. We strode through the bar to the back where we sat in a large booth that was set up on an elevated platform. Goth people stare us down throughout the night, but we're snacking on tater tots and getting drunk for cheap, so everything is going great for us.

A few hours later, people began setting up stuff near our booth, and it became evident that this platform was setting up to be a stage for some sort of show later on. I finally realized that something awesome was about to happen when I saw a Gene Simmons lookalike setting up a stripper pole.

We began talking with Gene, and he informed us that there was going to be a burlesque show that evening. Think about that for a second. Even the most badass of badasses, they have to take time out of their schedule and go out of their way to get to the strip club, but when you're with me, the strip club comes to you.

With the bar ending their specials, my friends wanted to go to a nicer bar where attractive people hang out, but I convinced them that we would always regret not seeing a burlesque show since there was a good chance this would be our only opportunity to see a burlesque show. 

The show soon began, and we were certainly in for a treat. Imagine a strip club with goth music, goth lighting, and goth strippers with creepy goth makeup. The first girl was pretty awful looking. Not only was she not in good shape, but her pole moves left much to be desired. They were only allowed to strip down to their bikinis, which was fine by us, because even in the bikinis, we saw more than enough.

But then came Care Bear.

Care Bear had a good body, but not a desirable face. No matter, she more than made up for it with her pole moves. We stared up at her in awe of her fantastic moves. I don't say this often, but as she slid her ass up and down that pole, she truly looked majestic. As she stared seductively at the audience, she busted out a classic stripper move as she went upside down on the pole with her legs out and her ass nearly touching the ceiling.

I'd like to think that this was the pinnacle of her existence. All of her hard work had finally paid off where she was able to strip down to her bikini and hump a pole at a Goth bar for complete strangers' enjoyment. Unfortunately, like so many people who have reached the top, things would soon come crashing down...literally.

Now some moments happen so fast that all you truly remember is a blur of the events that took place. But some events seem to happen in slow motion. This event was definitely the latter of the two. The top of the pole started to lean to the right with the bottom pushing out to the left. Everyone froze as the pole began falling. Care Bear held on tight, not with a look of fear, but with a look of confusion, as if her face was saying, "Wait a second, this isn't supposed to be happening." But it was. Care Bear fell to the stage with an audible thud, quickly followed by the clang of the pole following her to the floor.

The crew and performers rushed to the stage to check on Care Bear, but she popped up like a real trooper. My friends and I did not check on Care Bear as we were busy wiping tears away from our eyes as we all nearly fell on the floor laughing.

After it was clear she was going to be okay, Gene Simmons was determined for the show to continue. He set up the pole and vigorously tested it, but the strippers still looked skeptical, as they did not want to end up as another Care Bear casualty. He decided to shake it with all of his might, and sure enough, he broke the pole.

It was probably for the best, one Care Bear casualty is already too many. I never saw Care Bear again, but I hope she realizes how inspirational she was to all of us. Most people never realize their full potential. Not only was she able to reach her ceiling, but she did it with her ass.

-Hott Joe

P.S. After the pole broke, I overheard Gene Simmons calling to get another stripper pole over there. The saddest part was that he was using a pay phone to make the call.

P.P.S. After it was all said and done, this was quoted nearly 1000 times (with she replacing he).

P.P.P.S. Literally Unbelievable is my favorite new website as it just finds people who think stories from The Onion are real.

Friday, June 3, 2011

The Ultimate Warrior Now Has Twitter

To say the timing of my following of the Ultimate Warrior was fortuitous is a gross understatement of how perfectly that I timed this. Right after I announced that I was following The Warrior, he not only started posting videos like they are going out of style, but he has started a Twitter account. And like all things Ultimate Warrior, it's fucking amazing.


He started out his Twitter feed in the least surprising manner...by talking shit to Hulk Hogan.
The Ultimate Warrior
Karma is coming to collect Terry.
I really think that this was Ultimate Warrior's number one purpose for setting up a Twitter account. Hulk Hogan hasn't been acknowledging him as a threat, so he figured he'd let it be known that he is going to put a bullet in Hulkamania. But that's not all as he totally burned Hogan with another tweet.

The Ultimate Warrior
Absolute BS! Good to hear from you man. Stay active, passionate and healthy!! Hogan has no spine, no pun intended!
I'll admit, it took me a while to understand the "no pun intended" part of this tweet. I finally realized he was referring to Hulk's numerous back surgeries. Personally, I feel like instead of going with "no pun intended" a better way to end that tweet would have been with a "Hogan has no spine, literally!" To each their own.

But then Warrior got really steamed. Hulk Hogan had the audacity to block people who were talking shit to him on Twitter, which is completely unreasonable in the land of the Warrior. Twitter alone was no longer enough for The Warrior, he decided to go back to his trusted friend, YouTube to create this:
I've watched this video about two dozen times. Each time I am absolutely mesmerized. I love that he calls it a social networking party, and uses that to challenge Hulk Hogan's former partying days. I love that he says that Hulk Hogan has a womanly handshake. And I love that he tells Hogan that he and his Warriors are going to bust down the wall of his (theoretical social networking party) house if he won't let them through the (theoretical) front door. He then gives an awesome diabolical laugh to end the video. It's all phenomenal.

How do you top that? For normal beings, they wouldn't be able to. For the Warrior, it's a piece of cake. Yesterday morning, he topped his amazing video when he greeted his Twitter followers with this message:

The Ultimate Warrior
Morning, warriors. Yesterday is gone. Forever. Today, you rip fresh ass.

I wish I had something insightful to say, but it would only alter the perfection of that tweet.

-Joe

P.S. Macho Man may have tragically passed away, but he lives on in the Where's Randy Savage tumblr. This photo is amazing.
P.P.S. Here's a good article on Clay Guida who has a really interesting fight against Anthony Pettis tomorrow. The first four paragraphs gave me a good laugh, because I can vouch that John Dodson has been doing ridiculous moves like that before Pettis ever did it in his match against Ben Henderson.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Jose Canseco Is Looking For Love

Unless you've been living under a rock (or worse, not following Jose Canseco on Twitter), you probably know about how Jose Canseco has a new love, and her name is Lady Gaga. I'm not familiar with Lady Gaga's music, but I am familiar with her face, and it ain't pretty. But at least she's rich, so I guess that's worth something.

On the positive side of things, Jose's going gaga for Gaga (I apologize for the pun, but there was no way I was going to be able to avoid it) has led to a Twitter frenzy from everybody's favorite slugger. Let's see what he's been up to.

Jose Canseco
Still waiting for answer
Jose, it's Lady Gaga, I think you can stop just waiting around and set your sights on someone else. I mean, clearly beauty isn't an issue for you.

Jose Canseco
Where is wonder woman
Okay, this is a step up in the looks department, but a horrible step back in the "this person exists" department. You'll have to do better than this.

Jose Canseco
I am at buffalo wild wings still looking for the next miss x canseco
I think he meant ex-Miss Canseco. Actually, no he didn't. I would much rather believe that Jose Canseco will only marry women whose name begins with X. I bet it broke his heart when he found out that Xena: Warrior Princess wasn't real. Maybe I shouldn't have told him that Wonder Woman suffers from the same fictional fate.

Jose Canseco
If I had a child with lady gaga what would he or she be called
As terrifying as this thought is, I thought this was a goldmine of a tweet. I thought for sure I could come up with an astonishingly hilarious response to this. Unfortunately, 30 seconds later, I read the following and realized that it could not be topped.
Nick Devlin
Chyna.
I don't know if I'll ever know the true identity of a man who goes by the Twitter handle of @Nick_Devlin, but if I do, I think I'd like to buy that man a beer.

Jose Canseco
I wish would marry me :D
Remember when people wished for good things? Like being taller, or being a baller, or even a girl that looked good so you could call her? Hell, I'd even settle for people wishing for a rabbit in a hat, or a bat, or a 64 Impala. Yeah, I miss those days.

Jose Canseco
I want to get married and settle down any crazy takers u must be Christian
Jose has things that he just won't compromise on, and being Jewish is one of those things. Actually, that stipulation lasted all of 30 seconds before he was willing to give up on it.

Jose Canseco
Can any woman convert the most infamous athlete ever
  Jose Canseco
Or will I take u on a hell ride
This will definitely be my pickup line if I'm ever out and meet a Jewish girl. I'm open-minded enough to let them try to convert me to Judaism from Hulkamania if they can prove it is a better religion (fat chance, but I'll listen). And I feel it is always best to let them know that any further romantic interaction with me could end in a hell ride for her. Ladies don't like to be surprised by the most traumatic experience of their lives, so I'll warn them up front that shit could get ugly.

Jose Canseco
I am looking for an exorcism from a Christian girl can u handle it
This sounds like the kinkiest shit ever. Unfortunately, Jose follows it up by going to a very dark and sad place.

Jose Canseco
I am still in love with one girl but she wouldn't look my way if I were the last MAN on earth
Jose Canseco
SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS
Jose Canseco
WHAT IS HATEFUL .ENVIOUS .AND ANGRY AND CAN'T FACE THE TRUTH
Jose Canseco
LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ANSWER THE QUESTION
But never fear, Canseco lovers, as everything was fine a day later as it appears that baseball and partying has cured his broken heart.

Jose Canseco
I am with a bunch of single ball players in Martinez lake Arizona huge house on dove rd come by girls and party
I guarantee if I come by with a 30-Pack of Natty Light, we aren't getting turned away from that party house. Anybody up for a road trip?

-Joe

P.S. Steven Seagal is absolutely pissed that Anderson Silva cannot punch fast. Fortunately, he takes out his aggressions and annihilates Silva. Seriously.