The WWE Is Ruining... The Usos

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Last week, I looked at a Bro, this week I look at some bros in Jimmy and Jey Uso.

The WWE has actually been doing a great job with The Usos the last couple years. They started as a babyface tag team that nobody cared about on the main roster or in FCW and NXT. They just kind of existed, yelled for crowd participation and had above average matches. It wasn't bad, but they seemed pretty damn replaceable.

Then they turned heel, and things got WAY better. They developed a real personality and started to put on phenomenal matches that people cared about. Really, the WWE has done a great job with them over the last couple years, because they went from an afterthought to something to look forward to in just about all of their matches.

Lately, things have stagnated a bit. Most recently, Jey is reading love notes from Naomi to Jimmy, which is weird in itself, and got weirder when he found out it was from Mandy Rose. Then it get even weirder when he asked him whether he was going to cheat on his wife, because, um, I guess it would be rude to not have sex with a woman who wants to have sex with you. Then poor Jimmy got caught by the paparazzi in Mandy Rose's room, but luckily nobody saw Naomi around despite wearing a neon green bodysuit. So I guess my biggest piece of advice would be to not do that.

Outside of what has happened most recently, I feel like the WWE has done a pretty damn good job with The Usos. They are fun to watch, and it's easy to get invested in their matches. Nobody utilizes Samoan talent like the WWE, and The Usos are no exception.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Ember Moon
Goldust
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Luke Gallows
Mickie James
Mojo Rawley
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler Breeze
Zack Ryder

My WWE Battleground Experience

So it was date night on Sunday, and I did the most romantic thing I could think of, getting my wife and I tickets to WWE Battleground. We shared a Mountain Dew beforehand, because we needed that childhood sugar boost in order to truly enjoy the evening. It also helped complete my transition into the 12-year-old that I become when watching professional wrestling. My seats were right by the preshow broadcast table. The most interesting part about that is obviously that Renee Young was constantly giving me looks despite my wife being right there. Get a hold of yourself, Renee. The best part though was Alex Riley refusing to acknowledge any fans calling his name, because he knew that the second he did, they were going to talk shit to him. Poor Alex Riley also got to his position 15 minutes before anyone else would join him. But let's look at this card match by match.

Fandango vs. Adam Rose was uneventful. My wife (who will be in the room while wrestling is on but rarely pays attention) made a good point in that everything around the Adam Rose is really fun. Unfortunately, she doesn't really care for Adam Rose. I have to agree. I want to cheer it, because the group is fun, but Adam Rose is not anybody that I care about.

For some reason they put on the main event second with Naomi taking on Cameron. It was bad. Yep, that's all for that.

The main card started off with BY FAR the best match of the night. The Usos vs. The Wyatt Family was awesome in every conceivable way. I screamed like a child throughout this match, as that third fall was insane. I thought the match was over at least eight times, and it got by far the biggest crowd reaction of the night. That match alone was worth the price of admission, which is good, because the other matches did not offer much.

Next up was AJ vs. Paige, and they got nothing out of the crowd. They were fine, but this crowd was only really into the tag match and the main event. Otherwise, it was dead in the arena. 

Then there was Swagger and Rusev, which was a little anti-climactic with the countout, but it was a fine match. Still, Swagger could have just been dazed from hitting the steel pole as opposed to being unconscious for the next hour.

You know what this card could have used? An exciting match between two young guys who just flat out go in the ring. Luckily, there was a match scheduled between Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Unluckily, they cancelled the match. This was by far the biggest disappointment of the night.

Jericho vs. Wyatt was almost there in so many ways. It was almost a good match, but they couldn't quite find the right chemistry in the ring. The finisher came a little too easy. Overall, it was fine, but it could have been so much more.

It is impossible for battle royals to not be entertaining, and this one delivered. The Kofi spot was really cool, and everything Cesaro did was awesome, especially putting over Heath Slater. But as great as all of those things were, the best thing Cesaro did was during the entrances. He was just casually walking around the apron, and out of nowhere, he gives Big E a shove from behind. There was no provocation that caused it; he just did it, because that's what heels do. God Bless Cesaro. 

But yeah, it sucked knowing that Dolph was going to eliminate Sheamus only to be eliminated by The Miz immediately after. The crowd didn't even pop when Ziggler knocked him out, as everyone knew what was about to happen. 

The main event happened. Another okay effort with a stupid predictable ending. It could have used a whole lot more Brock Lesnar. 

So the tag match was amazing, and the battle royal was fun. Everything else was pretty forgettable, and still, it was a worthwhile experience. Live WWE events are fun to go to, and my wife said she would definitely go the next time that they were in town. I love her so much, almost as much as that Usos/Wyatt tag match.

The 11 Best Things About WrestleMania 30

As I stated last week, I was not super excited for this WrestleMania. My favorite wrestler was on the preshow, my favorite group was facing three old guys, and I like but don't love Daniel Bryan. To say that this Mania exceeded my expectations would be a huge understatement. It was a great show from beginning to end. At worst, I liked things, and it only went up from there. Here are my eleven favorite things about WrestleMania 30.

11. Slam City Has a Price
It is clear that the old guys do not give one shit anymore. Play with toys? Sounds awesome. Hacksaw beats Sarge, but Sarge was totally correct in that it was a fast count from Danny Davis. Ricky Steamboat goes into full embarrassing Dad mode trying to be cool, and then The Million Dollar Man buys things, because that's what he does. This was totally stupid, and I was totally fine with it.

10. Piper and Mr. T Make Up
Roddy Piper seems to legitimately hate Mr. T for missing his punch at WrestleMania 2, as he finds ways to talk shit about him any chance he gets. The fact that they shook hands and finally buried the hatchet made me happy, and typing that sentence makes me realize that I am a 29-year-old child. Also, thank you to the contributions of Paul Orndorff's mustache.

9. Divas Title Match
Putting this as the lowest match may seem like I didn't care for the match, but for a Divas match that was designed to be a total clusterfuck, it was actually pretty good. They had some good high spots, nobody really messed anything up, and Natalya didn't win, so all is well in the world. Nice job, ladies.

8. Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena
There were some good spots in this match, but the ending kind of ruined it for me. It was good, but that ending where everything works out for Cena is a little too convenient for my tastes.

7. Tag Title Match
This match was good, but that goes without saying with Cesaro in the match. It was fairly predictable; they had some fun spots, and The Usos won which made sense. Afterwards, Cesaro swung Swagger and broke up the tag team which was fairly predictable but still satisfying. I was totally fine with Cesaro going out like that, but we'll come back to him.

6. Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan
Most people were way higher on this match than I was, and I could totally justify putting it a few spots higher, but I thought they were just a little off early on in the match where nobody was quite hitting things correctly. The second half of the match was really good, but already knowing the outcome made the match less exciting, because there was no way Triple H was going to beat Daniel Bryan.

5. Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
Speaking of predictable endings...wait, what? If wrestling shocks you twice a year, it's a good year. They definitely got one out of the way, as a million people's jaws dropped when Lesnar got the three count. I really like Lesnar matches as he's so strong that it's easy to believe his offense and he still does a good job of looking vulnerable. I couldn't believe he won the match, because I, like everyone else in the world, thought they would end Taker's streak to put over some guy that could be the future of the company. Looking back, that never really made sense. The only people that get matches with Taker are already one of the biggest stars in the company. If Daniel Bryan beats Taker, does that really elevate Daniel Bryan? No, it doesn't even help him as much as winning the title, so I think the passing of the torch angle got overblown, and the WWE legitimately shocked the world. Good for them, and great on the WWE camera guys for finding a bunch of people with hilarious shocked faces.

4. Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton vs. Batista
The match itself was not fantastic, but the crowd reaction to Daniel Bryan winning the title made it a special moment. Also, I still feel bad for Randy Orton's back, because I am still cringing while thinking about him landing on that television. But the powerbomb into an RKO was an awesome spot, but seriously, clear out what is under the table guys.

3. Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Cesaro. Guys, CESARO. CESARO! I got really excited when I saw him in the Battle Royal, but I always have to remind myself that although I believe in Cesaro to do anything in the wrestling ring, it is not always logical. So I tried to temper my expectations while knowing he would at least be one of the last five guys left. When it got down to four guys, I still was sticking with my pick of Sheamus, but then when him and Del Rio went over, my hope got way too high. My hopes rose and fall as things went back and forth, but then Cesaro picked him up, and the entire crowd shot to their feet in the background as he put him over the top rope. Everybody freaked out. Everybody is now part of a worldwide Cesaro Section, and moments like that are why I watch pro wrestling as an adult, because I cheer for Cesaro like I am a 12-year-old.

2. Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold, and The Rock
Speaking of cheering like a prepubescent boy, this just made me happy. I enjoyed everything. Sure, Hogan is senile and calling the Superdome the Silverdome, and yes I found it hilarious to hear Stone Cold and The Rock make fun of him for that. But nostalgia like this will always work for me. If you put Flair out there, that might be wrestling's Mount Rushmore (arguments can be made for Andre or Vince), and that is special. Then they drank beers together and Hulk tried to sip his beer as he is old school and does not want to waste any beer. Meanwhile, Stone Cold drinks a six pack and has about nine ounces of beer. The Rock has even less, because he can't be putting those carbs in his body. There wasn't a match on the main card for the first half hour, and I didn't care one bit, because the Little Boy Joe loves these moments.

1. The Shield vs. The Old Guys
Best match on the card, BY FAR. I couldn't have imagined a better match. It was perfect. Will this be a Match of the Year? No, but that doesn't mean it wasn't perfect. From interrupting the New Age Outlaws during their stupid spiel, to coming out in scary masks, to wearing their slutty SWAT outfits, to not letting the old guys have any offense, to taking turns annihilating guys, to the triple-double powerbomb, to Reigns and Ambrose celebrating on the ropes before the ref had the chance to make the three count. Perfect.

WrestleMania turns me into a child, and I LOVE IT.

WrestleMania 30 Betting Odds and Predictions

I'm sure a lot of you nerds are excited for your games of dress-up and sword play with the Game of Thrones premiere this Sunday, but since I'm oozing machismo, I'll be watching oiled up dudes take their shirts off and wrestle in their underwear. You know, real man stuff. WrestleMania 30 is going to be great, and I say that as someone who is not at all pumped about this card on paper. My favorite wrestler is on the preshow, the one wrestler I know is wrestling three dudes who combined age is 140, and I am highly doubting that any of my favorites from NXT are going to be making an appearance. But it's still WrestleMania, and there will definitely be awesome matches and hopefully a few surprises (although I doubt they find a way to make that banner image come true). To top it all off, I'm joined by a very special guest, Lukewarm Jonah, as we're going to break down the card match by match to see if there are any good betting opportunities, so you can make that scrilla and get yourself some extra months of the WWE Network (sorry to my foreign friends who are not able to purchase the network).

Tag Team Championship Match

The Usos (Champions) -250 vs. The Real Americans +175 vs. Rybaxel +250 vs. Los Matadores +600

Hott Joe: First off, let's eliminate Rybaxel, because I can't imagine anyway that they win the tag titles. They are just filling out the card. Next, let's eliminate Los Matadores, who are likely only in this match so Cesaro can swing El Torito to the moon. That leaves The Usos and The Real Americans. On one hand, they have been teasing a Real Americans breakup for a while, but on the other hand, they have also been teasing us with these possible breakups only for the group to stay together (The Shield), so it could go either way. I feel like this is an opportunity to propel Cesaro forward, but I think they will do it by splitting him up from his tag partner. The Usos take advantage and retain their tag titles.

LJ: The Usos are my pick. I don't like picking favorites, but I feel like I have to in this case.  The Usos just won the tag titles and they’re not going to simply lose them a month later.  The Real Americans are the only team with a real shot at winning and they’re going to break up soon so the Usos retain.

Winner: The Usos

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Alexander Rusev 7/4

Big Show 2/1

Sheamus 6/1

Dolph Ziggler 6/1

Alberto Del Rio 14/1

The Miz 14/1

Rey Mysterio 14/1

Big E 18/1

Fandango 18/1

Christian 18/1

Mark Henry 18/1

Cody Rhodes 25/1

Goldust 25/1

Damien Sandow 25/1

Titus O’Neil 50/1

The Great Khali 60/1

Zack Ryder 75/1

Sin Cara 75/1

Brad Maddox 75/1

Heath Slater 75/1

Jinder Mahal 75/1

Drew McIntyre 75/1

Kofi Kingston 75/1

Brodus Clay 75/1

Darren Young 80/1

Justin Gabriel 80/1

R-Truth 80/1

Santino Marella 80/1

Field 15/2

LJ: How the hell is Rusev the favorite in this match?  That randomness really makes we want to pick him, but I’m taking Ziggler.  Show is the obvious choice, so I don’t think he’s winning.  It seems like they’re actually giving Ziggler a push again so hopefully this is the start of another main event run for him.

Hott Joe: So I'm going to make this simple and immediately eliminate everyone whose odds are 18/1 or worse. Sorry, guys, but you all have no chance of winning this thing.  Next, let's eliminate The Miz and Alberto Del Rio as they have been losing nonstop for the past few months, so I don't see why they would win this thing. Next, as much as it pains me to do this, I have to eliminate Dolph Ziggler, as he is very near that Miz and ADR area. That leaves us five choices. Alexander Rusev, The Big Show, Sheamus, Rey Mysterio Jr., and The Field. Although The Field is very interesting since it could be a lot of different people, I don't see Hulk Hogan being a mystery entrant so I think you can mark that off as well. The WWE is about prestige, and I don't think they can trust a newbie like Rusev as the winner of this thing. He would be my pick for most eliminations, but I don't see him winning it. The last three are the guys to consider. I would say that Mysterio has the smallest (no pun intended) chance of winning, although the WWE could love the irony of Mysterio winning a battle royal dedicated to the largest athlete in wrestling history. So, for me, it comes down to Sheamus or Big Show. Since they hinted at Big Show winning it on Raw, I'll go Sheamus.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler (Lukewarm Jonah)/Sheamus (Hott Joe)

Hustle, Loyalty, Sheep Match
Bray Wyatt -350 vs. John Cena +225

Hott Joe: It seems like Wyatt needs this win to propel himself forward, but it's not like him beating Cena would end a feud with Cena and let him move on from things. That being said, there is no reason for Cena to win and move on, because there's nowhere for him to go either. I think this drags on for a while, but I do think that Bray Wyatt gets the win with help from Rowan and Harper.

LJ: Wyatt winning here makes a ton of sense, he’s a hot up and coming heel who is super over.  On the other hand, John Cena is an actual underdog in a match.  It’s tough to pass up betting on Cena as an underdog but I think Wyatt wins, and may even put Cena out of commission for a couple of months.  The feud will continue and Cena will eventually win, but Wyatt probably takes the first match.

Winner: Bray Wyatt

Random Match To Highlight The Shield
The Shield -800 vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws +425

Hott Joe: It makes no sense to put the old guys over The Shield, but I still don't think I would bet on it with these odds. The WWE may try some trickery for this match. But they shouldn't. Believe in The Shield.

LJ: It’s upset time, and it’s a big one.  Three jabronis taking on one of the coolest groups in years?  Seems like an easy choice, but I have a theory.  The Shield was about to break up but has become a cohesive unit again.  This won’t last long as Roman Reigns needs to have his big singles push.  I think the Shield break up happens in this match leading to Kane pinning whatever guy gets left alone in the ring.

Winner: The Shield (Hott Joe)/Old Dudes (Lukewarm Jonah)

The Streak

The Undertaker -3000 vs. Brock Lesnar +900

Hott Joe: The Undertaker is definitely the guy who has been selected to win this match. But still, how awesome would it be if Lesnar went rogue and turned it into the most brutal shoot in wrestling history? It would be glorious. But that's not going to happen.

LJ: Do I really need to pick this match?  Undertaker beats Lesnar.  I think Lesnar puts on a great match and this could definitely be the match of the night but there is no way Lesnar beats Taker.  There will be some great near falls, but Taker always wins, except if Giant Gonzalez makes a return.

Winner: The Undertaker

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational

AJ Lee (-300) vs. The Field (+200)

LJ: I’ll take the field in this match.  Now AJ Lee is the best Diva on the roster, but she’s been champ for 250 plus days.  It’s time for someone else to win the title, more than likely one of the Bellas.  I’m actually surprised Lee is a favorite in this match, it seems like it’s being build to some other diva getting a run with the title.

Hott Joe: The WWE doesn't give a shit about the Divas division. Total Divas is far more important to them. It's kind of stupid to have AJ lose her title this way, but there are a ton of other ladies in this match. It just seems like the odds are too good to pass up. I'm taking The Field, and I will take Naomi to win the title, although Eva Marie would make me laugh my ass off.

Winner: The Field, A Bella Twin (Lukewarm Jonah)/Naomi (Hott Joe)

#1 Contender Match (Kind of)

Daniel Bryan -2000 vs. Triple H +800

Hott Joe: Although I could see the WWE pissing off the crowd during WrestleMania, I can't see them doing it for this match. If they do it here, there are going to be nonstop boos for the main event, and although the WWE has enjoyed trolling its fans, they can't even survive that for their biggest show of the year. Daniel Bryan gets his revenge on Triple H and wins the match.

LJ: This may not make any sense after reading that I think Daniel Bryan will win the World Title but I’m very tempted to pick Triple H in this match via screw job, but then the Hulkster will insert Bryan into the match.  I wouldn’t bet on this with the terrible odds, but officially I have to take Bryan, he needs to make Trips tap in the middle of the ring and go on to win the World Title.
Winner: Daniel Bryan

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
Daniel Bryan -700 vs. Batista +750 vs. Randy Orton +1000 (Triple H is +1200)
LJ: Tough to go against the favorite here.  The only conceivable thing they could do is some sort of screw job that lets Batista win, but they’ve been screwing Bryan for six months now.  It’s time for him to have his moment here.  Bryan is the pick.

Hott Joe: Here is where I feel like the money can be made. I don't see Daniel Bryan winning this match, because he doesn't need this win. As long as he gets his win over Triple H, he has proven himself as a main event wrestler. Winning the title does nothing important for him, and I also see this being the order of the matches, so he will be worn down when this match begins which gives him a built-in excuse. I still think Triple H will do something to prevent him from winning the title, so his only real hope is that Hogan interferes on his behalf. I think Vince McMahon has planned on putting the title on Batista for about six months, and I don't think he's going to change his plan now. I've got Batista winning the title.
Winner: Daniel Bryan (Lukewarm Jonah)/Batista (Hott Joe)

Surprises
Hott Joe: You can't bet on any of this, but I'll predict that CM Punk comes out at the end of WrestleMania and nails Batista with a GTS, so everyone in the crowd can freak out and be happy at the end of the event.

I've been hearing rumors of RVD being one of the three extra entries in the Battle Royal, so sorry if that spoils things for you. I'll go ahead and give Jake "The Snake" Roberts one of the other spots. For the third extra guy, I will take Savio Vega, because Savio Vega is a legend when it comes to surprise appearances.

Hulk Hogan gets involved to help out Daniel Bryan in some way. I hinted at this earlier, but I think Hogan helps out Daniel Bryan at some point in the night. I think it happens in his efforts to beat Triple H, possibly taking out Kane and the New Age Outlaws. Although that just gave me a way better idea of Hulk Hogan being the fourth member of The Shield. That would be Too SWEEEEEEEEEEET.