Let's Break Down Jose Canseco's Time Travels

So I have definitely been reading the articles on Vice.com from Jose Canseco, and although they have been good, they have not been at the ridiculous level that I am used to from Jose Canseco. That all changed yesterday as Jose may have written the greatest article since writing began. Not only is it incredible writing, but there is also a scientific breakthrough in there. Yep, Jose knocks baseballs and scientific theories out of the park. It's simply amazing and definitely in need of a breakdown.

I time travel all the time and have been for the last 20 years; it’s real simple.

Yeah, idiots.

But there are rules: You can’t travel to the future, and you can’t change history—but that’s a good thing because you wouldn’t want to wake up in a different future or past, as the case may be.

And you can't play by your own rules when you time travel. Try to change the future or past, and your license to time travel could be revoked.

The only way to time travel is in your dreams, subconsciously.

God damnit, Jose. That isn't time travel. I mean I don't wake up from a dream where I hit a game winning shot in Chicago and then save the president in DC, and announce, "Guess what I did last night. Teleported!" Although maybe I should.

To do this you must know how to control your dreams. For example, I constantly ask myself, “Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?” If you condition your mind to ask that question every half hour while you’re awake then, after a while, you will ask it even in your dreams. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be time traveling in no time at all.

I really want to start doing this throughout the day. Just going through mundane tasks and asking people this question. I could be at the grocery store, and the woman could tell me it's $43.61, and I'll just look her dead in the eye and say, "Am I dreaming?" When she responds that I am not, I will just casually respond, "I know. I'm just conditioning my mind for time travel. No big deal."

I first learned the art of time traveling during my first divorce. My heart was broken, I was depressed all the time, and I just couldn’t take the pain. Somehow I realized that the pain subsided once I entered a dream state.

"Honey, you can have the house and the cars. Please, just leave me the time travel."

Now I’ll do things like say, “I want to see my mom,” and boom, my mom pops up and I’m in the past. I can talk to her. I can hug her. It's very emotional. My dad just passed away about two years ago, and now I see him this way too. 

Wow, Jose is actually using his time traveling abilities for really noble things. Good for you, Jose.

Or I could say, “I want to go back to high school.” Boom! All of a sudden my dream shifts to when I was in school and I had this huge crush on a cheerleader named Dawn Alba. I always wanted to go up to her and say hi and tell her how much of a crush I had on her, but I was so shy that I just couldn’t. When I time travel I’ll see her there and literally walk up to her and kiss her; you can pretty much do whatever you want. You can even fly to different spots, zooming through the air.

Yep, that is what I was expecting. Time traveling to kiss girls, riding in limousines and jetsetting to exotic locations...wait, Jose's time travel is basically Ric Flair's life. I honestly can't think of another person that I would want to emulate if I were time traveling.

You have to be careful when you first develop the ability to control your dreams, which largely relies on controlling your emotions. It can become kind of wishy-washy if your confidence outweighs your talent. For instance, let’s say you want to summon your favorite pet from childhood, or from another point in your life. If you can’t control your dreams properly, your cuddly kitten or loyal dog could turn into a wolf—or if you’re really unlucky a werewolf—and start attacking you.

Wait, if that kitten or dog turns into a werewolf, wouldn't that be changing the past? Or when Jose loses confidence in himself, do safe animals turn into monsters? Let's go with the latter, because that's a way better story.

The only way I will ever be able to play in the major leagues again is through time travel, but for some strange reason it’s the one thing I haven’t been able to do. Either the bus leaves without me, they won’t let me into the stadium, I’m late to the game and miss it, or something else happens that prevents me from playing. It’s starting to really weird me out.

It's because Ric Flair never played in the majors, and you can't stop envisioning yourself as Ric Flair. Problem solved. You're welcome.

The other night I had a dream in which Dan Duquette, the GM who signed me to the Red Sox, wouldn’t let me play because of a “technical issue.” I looked at him and said, “Listen, I want to play tonight.” He responded with something crazy like, “If you want to play, go get me vanilla Dippin’ Dots with chocolate syrup on them.” I searched everywhere for the stand, and when I finally found it and bought a cup of Dots I immediately fumbled it and dropped it to the ground. I was like, “Oh my God!” but at this point I was really determined, so I kept trying until I finally got one back to Duquette without dropping it. Then he started making all of these other crazy excuses for why I couldn’t play, saying, “Now I want this, and then I want that…” It was insane.   

Good God, man. you're an expert in controlling your time travelling and you can't walk and carry a cup of Dippin Dots? Like, maybe, you could justify dropping it once out of excitement and slight carelessness, but it seems like you dropped it at least four times. Honestly, after Duquette saw that, he probably didn't trust you with a bat in your hand.

I’ve had a similar dream about Tony La Russa and others—no one will let me play inside the goddamn ballpark. It’s the one time-travel dream I can’t control, and I have it at least five times a week. It must be a subconscious block.
I’ve even seen myself as a child during some of my time-traveling experiences. Every once in a while I’ll try to make myself leave a mark on certain structure. Every so often I’ll visit the location the next day, when I’m awake, but nothing’s ever there.

Hum, I wonder why that is. Could it be that you aren't actually time travelling? Nah, that's definitely not it. Forget I said anything.

Sometimes I’ll even tell myself, as a child,  “Listen, when you get to the majors, never do steroids.” Of course, that never works, because I still am where I am.

Jose, you tender poet warrior. All you want is to be loved. I want you to know that you have my backing, and I hope you keep time travelling until you can experience the big leagues again...or at least a WCW Title run.

Drinking Whiskey and Watching The Power Rangers Movie

So I decided to take a half day a few Fridays ago, so I could party before going to a concert that night. It turns out that none of my friends had the foresight to do the same, so I was alone in my afternoon off. I still made the most of my free time as I decided to hang out with my dog, drink whiskey, and watch The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. This turned out to be an awesome decision. The whiskey doesn't make a big difference, as all it really meant is that I laughed a lot more, and my notes towards the end had a a lot of misspellings. The one thing you should know is that I cannot recommend watching this movie sober, yet I highly recommend watching it drunk.

So the movie starts with all of the Power Rangers skydiving. Of course, their arch nemeses, Bulk and Skull are going along for the ride. Since they are stupid bullies, and not the harmful kind, they forgot their parachutes. Luckily, the Power Rangers let them know about it before they decided to jump out of the plane. Way to save the day, Rangers.

Why are they skydiving, you ask? Like they need a reason. But they do have a reason. It is the Angel Grove Jump-A-Thon, which was put on to save the observatory. Some old guy stumbles as he lands. His kid then tells him, "Watch, this is how the pros do it," because luckily the Power Rangers are actually professional sky divers when they are not fighting Rita and the evil Lord Zed. This is a huge break for the observatory, having pro sky divers in their small town.

May I digress for one moment? Thank you. Observatories may be the biggest waste of government spending out there. I have never been to an observatory. I am not sure if I even know where an observatory is. It seems like there are a ton of movies where teenagers are trying to save the observatory. Observatories are the worst.

Back to the plot. All of the Power Rangers are skydiving and doing cool tricks. Well, almost everyone. Tommy (White Ranger) is sky surfing and instead of doing cool tricks, he is doing awesome tricks. Everyone else must feel ashamed.

It should be mentioned that the regular Red Ranger has been replaced by another non-descript white guy, but they did change his name to Rocky. The Black Ranger was replaced by an Asian looking dude and is now named Adam. This means that due to cultural divesity laws, the Asian Ranger, Yellow, had to be replaced by a black chick. Her name is now Aisha. Kimberly is still pink, and Billy is still blue.

Oh yeah, on top of their Olympic level skydiving, they could also probably be professional rollerbladers as they are doing all sorts of SICK tricks while “blading” through the city.

The Rangers then get an urgent message from Alpha because some construction guys found an egg that can electrocute people. Zordon informs them that this is an evil beyond all imagination. I’m guessing it’s the Gobbledygooker. Lord Zed and Rita open the egg and ooze turns into this old dude who needs to crack his neck. His name is Ivan Ooze, and he is not that frightening. Rita wants to bang Ooze and Lord Zed is hella jealous of this guy.

Ivan Ooze's special powers include being able to shape-shift, being able to shoot lightning bolts, and the ability to smell teenagers (just so you know, he HATES the smell).

Alpha is such a douche. I wrote this multiple times throughout my notes, but this one is the one that got to stick, because, yeah, Alpha is a douche.

Ivan Ooze mentions the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Brady Bunch Reunion. He has been out of the egg for ten minutes and somehow learned about all of these things. Of all of the inaccuracies in this movie, this one bothered me the most.

Kimberly said that Zordon (who is dying) was like a father to them. What happened to their parents? Don't these kids have curfews? Seriously, put these Power Rangers in a foster home. Perfect evidence of why they should be in a foster home is that Alpha tells them that he can send them to a distant planet to save Zordon, but everyone who goes there dies. The Power Rangers all decide that it is a GREAT idea to go there. The Power Rangers are completely unfazed by death and murder. They killed a ton of foot clan ooze jabronies, and they were totally fine with their murders. Billy got ooze on his hands after killing one and said, “You ooze, you lose.” Murder is like brushing teeth for them, always do it once, sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Ivan Ooze called Zed and Rita “Dingle Dogs.” I am now going to try to work this into every conversation I have.

A strange wizard man (spoiler: it's Ivan Ooze) is handing out free ooze. There are no parents around to stop this. I feel like this movie could have been much shorter had there just been responsible parents in Angel Grove. It turns out that this Ooze turns people into zombies. Wait, actually, I should clarify. The ooze turns parents into zombies. Also these zombies are all inefficient construction workers. Seriously, if you watch people working in the background, their work rate is pathetic.

Best joke of the movie:
Evil Winged Animal Guy – Put your weak back into it.
Other Bad Guy – I had a weak back…about a week back.

Okay, so I thought that Ivan Ooze had the powers to create the Ooze and bottle it up so parents would become his zombies. Then I find out that parents are working in a factory to make the Ooze. So, how did he get that first batch going? This very much bothers me. I should be a movie consultant.

So I thought they were just ninjas, but then the Power Rangers turned into new animals. Ones that weren’t extinct which obviously makes them superior. Aisha is the bear. Rocky is the ape. Billy is the wolf. Kimberly is the crane. Adam is the frog. Tommy is the falcon.

So they are all fighting this really bad machine, and the yellow ranger goes, “Time to boogie with the Bear,” the machine just blasts her away and she is now completely worthless. The Frog was more successful than The Bear; I did not see that coming.

With all of the damage that has gone on in this movie, it is amazing that The Pink Ranger decides that it is important that he destroyed the monorail. And yes, of course Angel Grove has a monorail.

The little nerd who made fun of his dad for not being a professional skydiver was riding the monorail so he could save his parents. I’m not sure why he decided to take over a monorail to do that, but he did. Luckily, he gets help from Bulk and Skull, because that hard exterior is just to protect their heart of gold.

They were locked up with Ivan Ooze. The Yellow Ranger said, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She then hits the button titled, “In case of emergency only.” What did that button do? Kneed him in the groin. That is how they saved the day. An “emergency knee to the groin.” I'm not kidding. That is really what happened.

They saved the world and then saved Zordon. I proceeded to celebrate by drinking too much, and West Coast Dancing. Thanks, Power Rangers.

We Need To Talk About These Jose Canseco Old Milwaukee Commercials

The world is abuzz over the latest, greatest, innovative ads from Old Milwaukee. First, they got Will Ferrell to do some ads in various smallish cities for Old Milwaukee, but now they've brought out the big gun. That's right, they got the man with his guns hangin' and bangin', Jose Canseco. As far as I know, it aired only in Kansas City, and it is pretty awesome. Let's tackle these commercials one by one (Actually, two by one. Also, turn your volume way up as the sound is a little weak on these videos).


Commercial 1
This one is so simple, yet so beautiful. Just one of the most powerful swings in the history of baseball straight up crushing a beer can in slow motion. Then, Old Milwaukee lets you know that they were behind the genius of this commercial.

Commercial 2
Jose gets to show off his acting chops by talking about how a few bad apples can't drag down the game of baseball. Just like a few days of puking following a night of drinking Old Milwaukee shouldn't stop you from drinking it in the future. Baseball's back, Jose Canseco's back, and since a lot of us went through an Old Milwaukee phase, maybe it's time for us to get back to our roots and start drinking our old friend.


Commercial 3
This is the commercial that shines the brightest. It is specifically designed for the Kansas City market, but I feel it can be enjoyed by anyone. Kansas City isn't in a slump; it's just that the rest of the world started cheating. "Sometimes last place, is first place," is really a fantastic quote.

As easy as it is to make fun of Jose Canseco, these commercials are all very well done. Old Milwaukee found what would work for him and did a great job with it. I'm still a Natty man, but Old Mil has just moved up to my number two.

This Avion Commercial Makes No Sense

So, I keep seeing this Avion commercial on TV, and I cannot figure it out. It is, quite possibly, the dumbest commercial ever made. I know it doesn't hit you over the head with stupidity like some commercials do, but if you actually watch it carefully, you will realize that there is no discernible plot or motivation in these characters. Just check out the commercial, and then I will break it down below:

:01 - Man opens door to reveal sexy lady who is dressed in all leather. Man is at a loss for words, but we do get the impression that these two are dating as he calls her, "Honey."

:11 - She tells him to sit and he obeys. Honestly, sitting is way more comfortable than standing, so this is a pretty easy direction for him to follow. It only qualifies as slightly more of a command than, "Eat this steak." Also, it appears that he sits down on a leather chair which means there is no way he could have his arms tied to the chair. This will become important later.

:15 - She puts on gloves. I don't know why she couldn't have put on the gloves before she got there, but whatever.

:19 - Dude is starting to get nervous now that her gloves are on as he asks her, "Do we need a safe word?" She shushes him, even though he asked a very reasonable question at a reasonable volume.

:21 - Okay, this is where it gets weird. There are somehow lit candles all over this guy's apartment. I really don't know any guys who light candles, but this guy had a ton of them. Even more inexplicable is she just starts dumping candle wax on the floor. That is going to be a pain in the ass to clean up. What is your end game, woman?

:23 - She blindfolds him. She never actually ties him down, but she does blindfold him. At no point does he think to reach his arms up and take off the blindfold.

:30 - She has two glasses filled with ice, but only pours Avion into one of the glasses. Why did you put ice in both glasses? You are the least efficient human being ever.

:35 - He smells the drink and realizes that it is Avion. He should probably ask her to get him a glass or at least take off the blindfold and do it himself.

:40 - She takes off his blindfold and drinks the Avion. The dude sits there dumbfounded. I'm not sure why, but I am guessing that she is a recovering alcoholic who just got her token for a year of sobriety. At least that would make sense.

:50 - She leaves some of the Avion in the glass. Finish your drink, woman.

:54 - She leaves, saying, "That'll do for now." Um, I'm just going to let Matthew Kennedy Gould express my feelings here.

So, quick summary. Some dude's girlfriend spends a lot of time to get all dolled up in her sexy leather outfit, so she can blindfold her boyfriend, pour wax on his floor, drink a little bit of tequila and leave. That doesn't make any sense. It would have been way smarter for her to go to a bar and have some, or even go to the local liquor store and buy her own bottle. It probably cost her a decent chunk of change driving to her boyfriend's place, because, let's face it, no girl dressed like that is taking public transportation. It'd be even worse if she had to pay for a cab.

I don't even know who they are trying to sell this product to. Are they trying to sell this product? The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is that both of the characters are mentally handicapped, and although that would be a really progressive commercial, I doubt that Avion is trying to become The official Tequila of the Mentally Handicapped. 


My brain hurts. If anyone from Avion could contact me about this, that would be greatly appreciated. 

I Took Hacksaw Jim Duggan To The Airport

Last week, Hacksaw Jim Duggan made an appearance at a local minor league baseball game. Since I have connections in that industry (I am a very important person), I had the opportunity to take Hacksaw to the airport the following morning.

The first thing you should know is that Hacksaw is as awesome as he seems on TV. He is an incredibly nice person, even very early in the morning. He immediately thanked me for picking him up, wondering how I got stuck with this duty. Stuck? I volunteered to set my alarm for 4:00 AM, so I could pick him up at 4:45. In fact, I was so excited that I was wide awake by 3:45 AM. I swear, despite what that last sentence may lead you to believe, I am a fully functioning adult.

I met him the night before as he was signing autographs for fans. It was very impressive that he did not just sign an autograph an keep the line moving. He gave every fan about a 1-2 minute conversation. The line did not move fast, but he was willing to stay after the game had ended so he could meet with everyone. So I met Hacksaw the night before, and he loved my old school Royal Rumble shirt. And no, I did not wear that on accident since he won the first Royal Rumble, I planned my outfit to go meet Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I am not ashamed about this at all.

So, back to our ride to the airport. I pick him up and tell him he will probably have to move the seat back in order to get in my car, because he is a lot bigger than my girlfriend. That got a good laugh out of him and a response of, "Let's hope so!" That's another thing with Hacksaw. I hate exclamation points, but I feel like I would be doing a disservice if I did not end every Hacksaw quote with an exclamation point. He's a loud dude with a lot of energy.

Hacksaw talked about how he got started in wrestling. Fritz Von Erich recruited him while he was playing football at SMU, but he never thought he would do it, because he wasn't a wrestling fan and was focusing on football. But after a year with the Atlanta Falcons and a year in the CFL, he got started in wrestling and the rest is history.

Hacksaw also disliked that they have a bunch of writers from Hollywood coming up with the storylines and writing down everything the wrestlers are supposed to say. So some nerd writer comes up to Hacksaw and hands him a script, Hacksaw respond, "You think you can tell me what I'm going to say!?" The writer responds that this is what Vince wants him to say. So you know what Hacksaw did? He read the script and collected his paycheck.

Would you like spoilers? If not, skip to the next paragraph. But lets just say that if you are patiently waiting for a Hacksaw appearance on a WWE television program, you won't have to wait long. Tuesday is the Great American Bash Smackdown, and Hacksaw will be there, hopefully cracking skulls and happily carrying a 2X4.

As he was leaving, I asked him whether he still watches wrestling. He told me that he doesn't, and then dropped this analogy on me, "A butcher doesn't watch somebody chop meat on his day off!" That analogy makes very little sense, because nobody watches people chop meat for fun, but even though its batshit crazy, it's still awesome, because Hacksaw said it.

The thing that I'm left with is wishing Hacksaw was always around. Not only is it incredibly easy to get a USA chant going, but his presence is the only time where it is socially acceptable to yell HOOOOOOO! with ladies present, and I dig that.

In conclusion, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is awesome, and if you have the chance to drive him to the airport, no matter what time it is, you should totally take advantage of that opportunity.

Someone Broke Into My Car Last Night

So I went out to my car at 5:30 this morning to hit the gym before work. When I got out there, I saw that my door was slightly ajar. I opened the door and saw that my glove compartment was open. Anyone who has been robbed knows that sinking feeling they get in their stomach when they realize they have been robbed and have to figure out what they lost.

My reaction? Laughter. Uproarious laughter. I have nothing of value in my car. Literally the most valuable thing in there is probably the ice scraper that is in the back, followed closely by an individual bag of peanuts. Let's imagine how that asshole must have felt as he went through the process.

Man, I gotta get me some nice stolen shit tonight. 

(Looks around before finding his target) 

Aw, fuck yeah. A 1998 Ford Escort, and it's GOLD. Man, I better get my crowbar ready, because I know that the owner must keep a bunch of very expensive stuff in there so he makes sure to lock it all the time. 

(Goes to door)

No way. It is unlocked. It is my lucky night. Time to collect my millions in expensive jewels. 

(Opens door)

Well, that's odd. No diamonds on the steering wheel. Maybe he is a cautious owner. Let me check the glove box for all the diamonds. 

(searches for diamonds in glove box) 

What the fuck is going on? This isn't just a 1998 Ford Escort. It's a GOLD 1998 Ford Escort, with a sssiiiiiick ass rear spoiler. This bro probably wipes his ass with diamond-encrusted toilet paper; I can't believe he doesn't at least have a few diamonds up in here. Oh well, at least I can steal the CD deck and get $10 from a pawn...oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Who the hell keeps the factory tape deck in there? This may be the last tape deck known to mankind. I would steal it, but clearly, the man who owns this is a straight up G who is not to be trifled with. I better get out of here, as I might be dead already.

(skips away from his life of crime to dedicate himself to children's charities)

So, yeah, I am guessing that is how it went down. And he was right, I am not a man to be trifled with. 

Jack Link's Jerky Chew Is The Best

I am a man who enjoys the simpler things in life. There is nothing more simply awesome than Jack Link's Jerky Chew. I know most people think that jerky chew is totally lame, but these people are morons, as jerky chew is probably the most underrated thing in this world. What person doesn't love beef jerky? If you are near anyone who says they don't love beef jerky, please report this person to Homeland Security as they are clearly a terrorist.

Now that we have gotten rid of all of the terrorists, we are all in agreement that beef jerky is freaking awesome. The only issue is that you run out because it is so awesome and you have to eat it as quickly as possible, because no human can stop themselves from that delicious goodness. This is where jerky chew comes in as a single dip can last you a good hour. Imagine an hour of having beef jerky flavor in your mouth. Folks, that is the life I live with Jack Link's Jerky Chew.

Don't listen to the haters. When you bust out that can and start packing it in (and yes, you need to pack it, because packing a can is very manly looking if you do it correctly), they will make fun of you. They will turn their noses up at you, but do not worry. Just pop that dip in, and the haters will become jealous very quickly. Their tune will change quickly as they will also want some of that jerky goodness.

Also, much like people pair wines and cheeses together, I like to pair my Jack Link's Jerky Chew with an ice cold Natty Light on a warm summer day. There isn't a better combo in the world.

Somebody Taco Bell Taco'd My Car

Okay, I get it. Somebody out there is mad that I haven't posted anything for two weeks, and for that, I apologize. But here is your post, and I promise to do my best to never have a writing hiatus like this again.

I live in an area where five cities like to believe they are more or less equal. They all have their charms and advantages and disadvantages. But if this were an episode of Parks and Recreation, there would be four Pawnees, while I live in Eagleton. It's classy as caviar.

With that being said, I was shocked to see what had happened to my car when I went to go to work this morning. I get out there, and it looks like someone shit all over my backseat driver's side window. After taking a closer inspection and a sniff, I was relieved to find out that it was not shit. I looked to my left and saw a broken taco shell near my front tire. I looked back on the window and instantly knew. Someone had not just thrown a taco at my car, they had thrown a Taco Bell taco at my car. I'd know that meat anywhere.

At first, I was upset. I mean, who would dare desecrate a beautiful vehicle like my 1998 Ford Escort. Do people have no respect for classic cars anymore? But then, I just had to laugh. My neighborhood is so classy that they don't go around egging cars or TPing houses, they go to Taco Bell, probably buy a big box of tacos, and terrorize the neighborhood by throwing them at the nicest cars they can find.

So I am sorry about the long hiatus. I'm not mad at the culprits, I'm just mad they didn't put hot sauce on it first, because Taco Bell sauce is what turns it from car grenades into delicious, delicious food.