Antonio Cesaro Is The Greatest Thing In The WWE

Antonio Cesaro is the best thing in the WWE right now. That is not easy for me to say, as I can openly admit that I am a huge mark for Dolph Ziggler, and I know Seth Rollins personally. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due, and nobody has been better over the last couple months than the United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro.

I know I should be ashamed that I am a grown man, totally buying into wrestlers, but seriously, if you saw this guy you would understand. He has been great both inside and outside the ring. Here he is uppercutting the life out of people.


He's also strong. Not like he's obviously strong, because he's a pro wrestler, but he's like freakishly strong. To the point that if he took off a couple months to focus on it, I wouldn't bet against him in the World's Strongest Man competition. People think Ryback is strong, but compared to Antonio Cesaro, Ryback is like a child trying to arm wrestle Sly Stallone in Over the Top. Here's Ryback trying to pick up Tensai.


Yeah, not too impressive. Now here's Antonio Cesaro picking up Brodus Clay like a little baby.


Yep. And if you're still not convinced? Here he is doing it to Great Khali.

So, yeah, the dude is strong.

But he's not just great in the ring; he's great on the mic as well. Heels, or bad guys, as the common man may know them, love to troll people to get a rise out of them. Cesaro has done this, but he has done it better than anyone before him. It is common for a wrestler to make fun of fans, and he started by doing this, preaching about his superiority to the common fan, and he was totally right. He became the US Champion and talked about fat and stupid Americans. This was very solid stuff, but then he got better at it. He started praising America as the greatest country ever, while still disparaging Americans for being fat and lazy. This was amazing, because it was totally true, which pisses people off even more. Then he took it a step further by bringing out an American flag out there with him.

He was getting booed vociferously while carrying the red, white, and blue. This has never happened before in the history of the United States. What could be worse than that? Carrying a GIANT American Flag to the ring. Oh yeah, and then he put an American Flag design on his trunks to top it all off.

Oh, you need further evidence of his brilliance? How about this?

Antonio Cesaro is the best. I highly suggest getting on the bandwagon now, because it is filling up fast. Also, if you're reading this, you are probably one of those fat, lazy, Americans that he talks so much about, so please take the stairs before jumping on the bandwagon.

Diamonds Are Expensive

So I went to the diamond store this weekend, and I found out that tiny diamonds carry a big price tag. Like, I knew that diamonds were expensive, but holy shit, I will not be icing out my grill anytime soon at those prices. I might CZ my grill, because those are dirt cheap and look exactly like diamonds. Basically, I don't understand diamonds. This is an evil ploy by De Beers; that's for sure. The diamonds I was looking at didn't even have children's blood on it, and you best believe I want me a blood diamond (I never saw that movie, so I'm just assuming it involved children's blood).

Diamonds? More like Dumbonds. AMIRITE?

The Top 10 Tweets From #YesWeCanseco

Jose Canseco is at it again, and he is doing his best to change the world. He had a ton of New Year's Resolutions that were supposed to keep him on track for the entire year. He was fully committed until he hit a roadblock and got distracted, but that still counts as full commitment for Jose. It has led to his strongest hashtag effort of all time, #YesWeCanseco. Let's go over the top ten tweets from this movement.

first business someone named Geoff already stole poncedecanseco.com web name so we need a new website name any suggestions ?
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 4, 2013

Ah, Jose had high hopes for his anti-aging formula, Ponce de Canseco. he was going to give everyone the formula for immortality in the least catchy way possible. Unfortunately, someone named Geoff took the website before Jose could lock it down. God damnit, Geoff. You son of a bitch. Looking back on things, has anything good ever come from someone who spelled Jeff in the effeminate way. Don’t you dare say Geoffery the Giraffe, that long-necked douchebag put all the cool toys up too high when I was a baby boy. Damn you, GtG.

Need exact guidelines of what I need to run for Toronto mayor and how long it takes to claim residency. #yeswecanseco
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 4, 2013

Once he lost the website name, he got distracted and started focusing on different things. After he ran out of shiny things to chase around, he decided to become the Mayor of Toronto, because that is something that Cubans who moved to the United States can do.

Dear Torontonians tweet me what needs fixing so I can start working on things.I know the Jarvis bike path and NHL strike are key, more?
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 4, 2013

Jose saw that the NHL strike was a problem, and boom, shit gets fixed. You gotta give him props on that. No word on that Jarvis Bike Path yet.

Wow Gardiner expressway! Why hasnt it been fixed what am I missing here? We are a world class city roads cant be falling down. #yeswecanseco
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 4, 2013

Jose Canseco is Toronto. Toronto is Jose Canseco. Neither will fall down.

Hey Lynsi @innoutburger the city of Toronto would be a great market for you guys can you please expand there ?
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 4, 2013

Damnit. I wish Jose was my mayor, although I would go with a Five Guys, Jose is clearly the guy who could get it done. This man knows what the people want.

Thanks Toronto for a great #yeswecanseco Day 1.Got some good news on the citizen thing hope to announce in a few days. More tomorrow. Hugs
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 5, 2013

Did Jose just find out that he’s Canadian and not Cuban? That is really the only way he found good news on this front, and that would be pretty awesome. Also, Jose is the one person who could confuse the two for his entire life.

The hug store is open! I am trading hugs for displaying YesWeCanseco signs to get the word out on mayor run. Just tweet me pic.#yeswecanseco
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 5, 2013

I'm guessing that a lot of people sent pictures to Jose. I am guessing that a great majority of these pictures were not of Yes We Canseco signs. I am guessing a lot of these signs were just dudes taking pictures of their junk and sending it to Canseco. I hope this is not the lasting legacy of Yes We Canseco.

Way to get it done Bettman canceling my flight to NY.You should make all game tix for kids free this year u owe the fans big #yeswecanseco
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 6, 2013

There is no way that Jose could have afforded a flight to NY. Bettman saved the NHL and Jose's bank account.

Tanenbaum I am willing to suit up for the Leafs opening night if u let kids in free. cant skate 2 good but hit the puck really hard. hugs
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 6, 2013

This one really bums me out. It bums me out, because I know Jose is not writing these. There is no way he would have spelled Larry Tanenbaum's name right. There is no way he would have gotten his name right. He would have made a plea to the mascot to let him play hockey for the team.

I will not burn out I will not fade away I am immortal and will always stay here with you. I complete you
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 6, 2013

Aw, shit, I could never stay mad at you. Hugs 4 U, Jose. Hugs 4 U.

Traumatized by Buying Pants

So I had to get some new dress pants this weekend, because, like Ric Flair, I just gotta style and profile. I thought this was going to be an easy experience, as it usually is not too painful. My biggest issue is that I have a small waist but some big ol’ gangsta thighs, so pants often hug my legs like spandex. 

Well, this was my biggest issue until my most recent excursion. I decided to get a couple pairs of 30W 30L and went to the dressing room to see how tight they would be on my legs. I put on the pants, and the legs felt a little snug but not too bad. I went to hook my pants up and realized that I was unable to. That's odd; I have been a 30W for as long as I can remember, and these pants were not even coming close.

I had just ate half a pizza about an hour before, so I was not feeling in tip-top shape, and these pants not fitting did not help. I didn't know what to do. I have been working out at least six days a week. Up until a few weeks ago, I was going on anywhere from 12-18 mile runs. I'll admit I'm not in the best shape of my life, but I'm still in pretty good shape. Why was this happening?

I tried on another pair, and I was able to squeeze into them, although it was not a comfortable fit. I finally bit the bullet and got a pair of 32s. They were a tad loose; I feel like 31 is my wheelhouse, but those are pretty tough to find when you are always trying to go cheap.

At this point, things really sunk in. I was in a haze. I could barely function at this point. I had the goal of getting new dress shoes as well, but I was in no shape to do any more shopping. I could barely speak as I made my purchase of my new pants. I bring this up only to mention what a giant bitch I was being. 32W is still very skinny and nothing to worry about, but I let this affect me for the next few hours.

I wish this had a happy ending where I became a grownup and did not worry about my waist size not being quite as small as it used to, but it doesn't. I'm still obsessing over it, which means I'm switching up my workout plan. I woke up Sunday morning and went for a run in eight degree weather. It sucked really bad, but it was a necessary step.

One day, maybe I will become a well-adjusted adult who can handle small things like that without it greatly changing my daily routine, but that day ain't today. Now I'm gonna go do some Yoga and get my zen on.

The X12 Superhuman

Superheroes are very "in" right now. Every other month it seems there is another superhero movie coming out, and the trend does not appear to be slowing down. But superheroes aren't real. Nobody has these incredible physical gifts in the real world. At least that is what I thought. I recently learned about the X12 Superhuman, Craig. I want to be up front about something: I could easily have written a novel about the X12 Superhuman. Every word that he has written and every second of his videos could be turned into epic paragraphs. He's that amazing. Luckily for us, the first documented X12 Superhuman appears to be on our side. Here are just some of the ways he has used his superpowers:

I have used my superhuman abilities to save a 2 year old child from running into the streets busy motor traffic,... 
This man is both faster and stronger than a baby. Plus he outsmarted the baby during that babies suicide attempt. Give this man a medal.

I have pushed dialed cars that ran out of gas into gas stations, and I have pushed cars that stalled out of flooded streets on to higher ground. 
I have pushed cars before, and they are heavy, but I have never pushed a dialed car. I don't know what a dialed car is, but I'm guessing it's heavier than shit.

I called the police to get a crazy man off the freeway that was throwing himself in front of oncoming 60 MPH freeway traffic.
So this one doesn't seem like a superpower at first, but what he doesn't explain is that he didn't use a phone. He just yelled SUPER loud for the police to come. I'm glad this guy is on our side.

Need proof that Craig is a superhuman? Think of the best person at some sort of physical feat. They have trained their entire lives to be as great as possible. Unfortunately, Craig is better than them, a lot better. Usain Bolt is recognized as the fastest man alive, and he goes approximately 27 miles per hour. That's incredibly fast. I have trouble fathoming ever running that fast. Unfortunately for Usain, Craig goes 37 miles per hour. Don't believe me, check it out for yourself:

Yeah, I bet you feel like an asshole now. Oh, and I suppose that this is as good of time as any to mention that Craig is 260 pounds. He's not even built like a sprinter, but then you see that cheetah go, and only one word comes to mind, "Wow."

The X12 Superhuman has an entire page dedicated to the Metro Bus drivers of Houston. Why, you ask? Because Craig likes to do his sprints on the street, so he does not steamroll pedestrians while running faster than Usain Bolt. His warnings for the bus mention that they should not run him over, but his main warning is that they should not pass him, because the speed limit is 30 MPH, so they would HAVE to exceed the speed limit in order to pass him.

I am definitely having my doubts about this super speed, so I just wish he had some way to document that he is, in fact, faster than traffic...wait, what's that? He has a video of that exact thing. Well, let's check it out:

I'll let Craig explain this one in his own words:

See how quick I took off when I had the Walk light sign, and the automobile had the green light? Even 20 feet after the 40 yard mark at the last orange cone (140 feet from the start), the automobile traffic didn't catch up with me, and that car behind me had that engine reved up high if you hear that highly reved up engine when that car came close to the camera. 

That car had their engine going full blast, but it still wasn't enough for the X12 Superhuman. I know I was having trouble contemplating how fast Craig really is. I mean, these types of speeds are undocumented up until the X12 Superhuman, so what does this all mean? Craig does a great job of explaining it:

I am faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police. Even if the fastest crackhead is running naked on the streets just to cut down on weight in order to run faster from the police, I still faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police.

Holy shit, that's fast. I mean, being faster than the fastest crackhead is impressive, but being faster than that crackhead when he is naked. That's even faster.

Are you still not convinced? Fine, just take a look at this:

That gray hair is darker near the root, proving that he is getting younger. And if that isn't enough, here's a real world example that proves that he is not a normal man:

A person asked my age, and I told him my age, and then he told me that I look 10 years younger than my age.

CHECK...MATE. The man looks ten years younger than he should. Let's just take a random age, and do a quick hypothetical experiment. Think of an nine-year-old. Have you ever confused a nine-year-old with an unborn fetus? No, because those nine-year-olds are normal human beings and do not look TEN years younger than their actual age.

If that isn't enough, how about this experiment?

I cut my center finger on my left hand with an unsterilized knife to show you how fast I heal up, and no over the counter or prescription antibiotics were used, I just only wash my hands with soap and water.

Why was the knife unsterilized? I have no idea, but check out this video. It's scary to see these Wolverine-like healing powers in real life:

By Day 7, the wound had VANISHED. Not even Criss Angel could pull off that kind of magic.

With all of these superpowers, we need to get Craig to procreate, so we can have an army of crime fighting superhumans. Unfortunately, with his super strength and super speed, it can be difficult to find a lady.

Many women are afraid of me, but I tell those women this, only the criminals need to be afraid of me, and she doesn't have to worry about me using my superhuman abilities to make unwanted advancement on them... 
Craig is a gentleman, so no need to worry ladies. But it may be hard to get a date when he is sprinting 37 MPH past you. Still, when ladies witness this physical masterpiece, it's tough to blame them for letting their carnal instincts take over.

it's aways the opposite with me that most women are more aggressive toward me than I am toward them.
It's no wonder that the ladies find him irresistible. Craig, the first ever X12 Superhuman, is doing things that scientists never thought possible. He breaks boards, he sprints faster cars (as long as they do not exceed the speed limit), and he heals at a rate never seen before. My advice to the ladies out there who want to experience an X12 Superhuman for themselves is wait for him to be walking instead of sprinting. He has walked at a pace of 17 MPH at the mall, but maybe you can find him on a slow day.

Good luck, ladies. And godspeed Craig, you are an inspiration to all of us.

The 10 Saddest #PerksOfDatingMe

The hashtags on Twitter are really what make it go round. Sure, you can find meaningful and interesting content producers on Twitter, but what fun is that? Hashtags encourage idiots to share their thoughts, and that is why it is such a great medium. Very few people sit around thinking about what the perks of a person dating them would be, but then they see #PerksOfDatingMe trending on Twitter, and it is damn near impossible for them to not share their thoughts on the subject. Here are 10 saddest #PerksOfDatingMe, because there really is no way to rank this sort of sadness.

#PerksOfDatingMe I promise to kiss you when you're in the middle of saying something, play with your hair, and love you till my last day
— The Outfielder Life™ (@OutfielderLife) December 27, 2012

I assume that many ladies would get really irritated by this. Imagine trying to explain something and every fourth word, this asshole starts kissing you while you're trying to talk. I assume that this guy gets kneed in the groin a lot.

#PerksOfDatingMe ill give you my hoodies 😘
— adam (@nolifeadam) December 27, 2012

Do people have nothing to offer these days? Are they such pathetic individuals that the best they can offer is their thickest clothing? That's the best you got? And what do you do after you have given your girlfriend all of your hoodies? She will be super warm, and you will be worthless to the world.

#perksofdatingme I'd rather just chill than go to a party every weekend
— Dylan (@Van0verbeke) December 27, 2012

Hey, ladies. You have friends? You like going out with them? This guy doesn't, so let him ruin your social life. You can spend every weekend on the couch and become stagnant pieces of shit, instead of, you know, living. Get in line for this one, ladies.

#perksofdatingme I will pull you up on stage with me and let the world know who you are and how much you mean to me.
— Jared Ballenger (@jaredballenger) December 27, 2012

...By murdering you in front of all of your family and friends. Remember ladies, he only does it because he cares so much about you.

#PerksOfDatingMe You wouldn't have to worry about me cheating because nobody else wants me.
— Jack Mull (@J4CKMULL) December 27, 2012

No shit, dude. You're a real downer. And why do people think that being undesirable is a quality? That is the opposite of quality. That's like bragging about never worrying about starvation, because you're willing to eat shit even though nobody else is. Jack Mull, you are the shit eating of the dating scene.

#perksofdatingme You need tampons babe ? You want ice cream too ? Tell me the brand and what kind and I'll be back in 20 minutes .
— Kennedy Christofer⚡ (@_CupOfPudding) December 27, 2012

This one really wore me down. A man can only read so much douchiness before it really makes him hate the world. There is so much that is pathetic about this tweet, but nothing will be sadder when he comes back with Playtex flavored ice cream and cherry pudding pops for her monthly.

#perksofdatingme When it's late at night, and we are texting, you're the only one I am texting ..everyone else can wait until tommarow
— Dream ChΔser™ (@ImKingOfThis) December 27, 2012

Text from Grandma: I think I'm having a heart attack. Please help.
Dream Chaser thinks, "That's nice G-ma, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm 'bout to text my boo about what type of buttons I should get on my jeans.

#perksofdatingme don't worry about changing the password on your phone. all your text already get sent to mine 😚
— Jesse Olmstead (@J_Olm21) December 27, 2012

Because all ladies want their man to have no faith in them to the point that they will break into their phone and then program it, so they can stalk them in both regular and cyberspace. This is the type of person who loves you so much that he will one day wear your skin.

#perksofdatingme I will only bring my parents on the first 5 dates ;) after that its just you me and my ... Grandma
— Marisa Riggins(@lilriggins) December 27, 2012

This one is not nearly as depressing as the others, but it really angers me, because she totally messes up the form of the joke. It should end with "After that, it's just you and me...and my Grandma." Ending it with and my... makes no sense. What should the guy expect you to say after that pause? Tits? Butthole? Credit Card? Nobody expects that. Learn how to properly form a joke.

#perksofdatingme If you treat me like a princess and respect me. You'll probably be the happiest man alive cause I'll treat you like a king”
— Quinetta Towachi (@AngelicaPikles) December 27, 2012

I know I have been having fun at these people's expense, but let's be real for a second. Quinetta, you poor thing. What you tweeted here is not good. If a guy treats you like a princess, and you treat him like a king. That means that you will be treating him like your Dad. Was he not around much? That's too bad, but calling your boyfriend Daddy and making him read you bedtime stories isn't going to change the past. Come on, let's take a step forward and never look back. You'll be better off for it.

I Tried to Watch "Chairman of the Board"

I like pain. I put myself in painful situations, because I like to test my own perseverance. Last week, I saw that the movie, Chairman of the Board, starring Carrot Top, was on one of the movie channels. It was halfway through, and I figured I might not be able to follow along with a plot from a movie that stars Carrot Top. I did a quick search and set my DVR to record it the next time it came on.

Finally, I had the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I decided to sit down and watch Chairman of the Board. Here are my experiences with the movie.

Carrot Top's character's name is Edison. He is an inventor. One thing he does not invent is funny.

Also, it took me five minutes before I remembered that Carrot Top was a prop comedian. I only remembered him as a really shitty comedian.

George Costanza's Mom comes in and tries selling the house that Carrot Top is living in. He lives with two surfer bros, and they weren't able to pay the rent, because Edison invested all of their money into inventions that he created. I can't get into all of the inventions that Edison made. It's too painful to relive.

Fuck, I do have to mention one advantage. He creates a bug zapping helmet, wears it himself, and then releases killer bees which proceed to sting a man in charge of a gadget company.

He then helps tells a man he is going to repair his car. After drinking motor oil and having the car fall on him, he only tells the man that he has a busted fan belt, and he'll have to have someone else fix it. The next logical step is obviously for them to go surfing together. Carrot Top is headed for some rocks, he screams, he then hits his surfboard's emergency brake, he then flies into the rocks. They did not actually show him flying into the rocks, you just heard him scream and the old dude said, "That's gotta hurt." They were too cheap to even throw a dummy into rocks.

And I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one is too painful for even me to watch. Do not watch this movie as a joke; it will not be funny. It will be sad and pathetic, and it will make you feel worse about your life. I'm going to watch Smackdown, because that's something that fun-loving adults do on a Friday night.

Let's Check In With The Cansecos

It has been a long time since I checked in with the ramblings of Jose Canseco. Too long, some might say. In fact, it got so bad that I had to start checking in with Ozzie Canseco to get my fix in. Ozzie is still a prominent part of this post, so let's see how our favorite steroid-fueled brothers are doing.

Miss my teammates except @twintower7264. Wily aybar, @twintower7264, me, tony phillips, joey gathright, chris britton. twitter.com/JoseCanseco/st…
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 6, 2012

Why would Jose take a pointless dig at his brother? If you are still asking the question of why with Jose, then you have already lost the battle. Fortunately, I am well aware that I have lost the battle and am more than willing to analyze what he has to say. It's not that Ozzie is his less famous brother, it's that Ozzie is his not famous brother. I follow the man, and if he walked by me on the street, I would probably just think, "Wow, that guy looks like Jose Canseco" without ever equating that he is, in fact, the brother of Jose Canseco. And I even follow him on Twitter.

This is the type of person that Jose feels like he needs to take a dig at. But if you think Ozzie is just going to sit back and quietly take it like a bitch, you've got another thing coming.

@josecanseco NOBODY MISSES U ARROGANT BABY
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 7, 2012

ALL CAPS ZINGER, MOTHERFUCKERS! Ozzie will not take those words lying down. He's ready to fight back at the drop of a hat. He gives Jose a sick burn by calling him an arrogant baby. The fact that he is clearly yelling it to the world makes it all the more hurtful. Ozzie is clearly not a man to be trifled with.

To end, let's have a fun competition of craziest tweet of the last week. We'll let Ozzie go first, since I'm guessing that nobody ever let Ozzie go first.

@josemelendez123 get me in that morons @josecanseco podcast. Call me
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 12, 2012

Oh, no. Ozzie thinks a podcast is a pod that you can physically climb inside. That's...well, that's just so Ozzie. Batting cleanup, let's see what Jose has to say.

Is it possible to be unlucky your whole life and lucky the rest of your life.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 10, 2012

Um...yes? But I think it just means that you are unlucky your whole life, and there is really no point in the second half of that sentence. In evaluating these tweets, credit goes to Ozzie for a classic Canseco misinterpretation of words, but Jose made my brain melt a little with his tweet. Sorry, Ozzie, but this round definitely goes to the arrogant baby.