I Can't Believe Benchwarmer Is a Real Company

So I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker last week. I know that may shock some people due to my badass exterior, but I find it to be an incredibly entertaining show. But I'm not here to talk about that so much, as one of the millionaires really bothered me. He estimated his net worth to be around $5 million. That didn't really bother me either. What did bother me is how this clown made that money.

Most people on the show are involved in finances, hedge funds, or something of that nature. Basically, they steal money from hard working people until they're a millionaire. For some reason, those people don't bother me; I'm numb to their diabolical ways. But this guy was different. He created a company called Benchwarmer, and this pisses me off far more than any Wall Street jagon ever could. It is a company that makes baseball cards, but instead of athletes on the cards, it puts hot chicks on them.

I have decided to break down their About Us section to show you why this company angers me so much:

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN 1992, Bench Warmer started as a simple idea: to putbeautiful women on baseball cards. 

Fuck you. I wish I could reach through my screen and strangle the person who wrote this. If I ever write, "From humble beginnings," please beat the shit out of me. Get a baseball bat if necessary. I'll deserve it. My only question about this idea is did they get the idea from Vegas who put hookers on cheap versions of baseball cards or did Vegas steal the idea from them? I'm guessing the former, because Vegas is the leader in everything. But here's the thing: Vegas did it better. Sure, the girls on Benchwarmer's trading cards are probably more attractive, but I can have sex with the girls on Vegas's hooker cards. And those cards are free. Is this a business surviving solely on horny men who are unable to make it to Vegas? How does that equate to a five million dollar business? Alright, maybe the next section won't bother me as much.

It was a nostalgic throwback to the Golden Era ofbaseball cards that most American boys collected – except with hot girls on them instead of sports heroes.

Every sentence just oozes arrogant douchebaggery. Let's move on before I punch something. There is no way I can make it through this whole thing.

But the owner says this business has made him worth around five million dollars. I can't imagine being a bank manager and getting asked for a business loan for that business. I would have laughed him right out of my bank. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis's plan to buy gas and then sell it in a year was a far better business plan than this guy has.

But as stupid as this business is, there is a lesson to be learned here. There are way more perverts out there than I could possibly imagine. No well-adjusted adult is buying baseball cards with hot chicks on them. I mean, if I want to check out hot chicks, I go on the internet to bars and hit on them. Ah, who am I kidding? I go on the internet too; that's what it's there for. Yet the people who buy these are not only nasty; they're apparently computer illiterate. They make rash decisions, and keep America's economy afloat. How do stupid perverts get money? That is a topic for another day, and one I actually hope to avoid altogether.

Anyway, I admit that I'm angry that this business is successful as it is so mind numbingly stupid that it should have no chance of success. But this guy has a business that is based on only hiring and hanging out with hot chicks. That's kind of commendable. When I really think about it, one question comes to mind...

Are they hiring?

-Joe

P.S. I take it we're all in agreement that this is the one show that could surpass Franklin & Bash as the best show on television. An 80's wrestling drama is brilliant, and I know I can count on The Rock to produce absolute greatness.

If Wishers Were Horses

Everybody has a sexual fetish. I'll even admit mine. Unlike most guys, I like girls who look like this...

Only hotter. That's right, I like females who are extremely...pretty. Like the prettier, the better for me. If you are a gorgeous lady, I will do you...hard. I know this makes me a freak, but it's what I'm into. We all have our fetishes. I'm sure you've all heard of Furries, but that's a black-tie cocktail party conversation topic at this point. I want to expose you to a sexual fetish that the mainstream media doesn't have the guts to cover.

If Wishers Were Horses. This sexual fetish is so messed up that American servers refuse to host this website. So they went to Europe, where there are no rules about what is on the Internet. You think you've seen some sick stuff made by Americans? You haven't seen shit. I had a buddy who would show us European porn, and I am scarred to this day. Not only do these people not feel pain, but I'm pretty sure that half of Europe thinks that shit is one of the essential food groups. Just trust me on this, and do not do a Google search for "German Shit Porn"; it will only leave you traumatized.

But back to If Wishers Were Horses. If you couldn't tell from the title, this fetish involves people who wish they could transform into horses. Their website warns, "If the notion of transforming into an animal does not appeal then you'd really be happier visiting another site." You will also be greeted with this gif.

I never knew how much females resembled horses, but now I can totally see it. I think I might start telling girls they are as majestic as a horse. This gif drew me in, so I happily clicked the enter button so I could learn more.

The first section I had to go to was "Why?" because I wanted to know why people would want to be horses. The message comes from Destrier, who is the woman who runs the site, and this was the most relevant piece of information on why people would want to become horses.

"Horses embody a lot of admirable concepts...The horse's sexual appeal should be mentioned too - not for nothing do we flatter or tease each other with terms like stud, stallion, or filly. Many find the notion of becoming a horse quite erotic."


Basically these people want to have sex with horses, but they don't want to go to jail for beastiality. If you meet one of these people, do not leave them alone with your horse. In fact, don't leave them alone with a horse stuffed animal, because that stuffed animal is going to get stuffed by something or stuffed up somewhere. 

I tried to read some of the stories, but they're awful. Not only is it boring, but it's also poorly written. The first story tried to put an adverb in every sentence. The horse owner couldn't just beat his horse, he aggressively beat his horse. Well, no shit, most people don't lackadaisically beat their animals to teach them a lesson.

Next, I checked out Hooves. I don't know why I was shocked when I saw the image on the page, but for some reason, I thought Hooves was a metaphor for starting a solid base of a horse lifestyle, but no, as the image shows, I was thinking far too much for this site.

Yeah, it's just instructions on how to turn your hands into hooves, so you can walk on all fours, because, fuck, you've already admitted you want to be a horse, it's not like you have to worry about losing any self-respect at this point.

But I saved the best for last when I went to their advice page. Before delving into this subject, I would have assumed that the advice would be ways to hide your fetish, so you didn't shame your family and friends. But after looking through this site for a while (Trust me, you don't want to know how long I spent on this site), I knew that it would be far dumber than anything I could imagine. I was not disappointed when I was greeted by this warning at the top of the page:

Please Note!

I have not ever been a horse! This is a work of fiction, but contains some practical points which I hope, should any of you find yourself succeeding in your quest to be an equine, might be of use or interest.

Thank you for the warning. The saddest part about this warning is that it's probably necessary, because Destrier is pretty much the Queen of people who wish they were horses, and after reading their fan fiction, I'm pretty sure everyone who has this fetish is at least mildly retarded. But if you think the warning is absolute batshit insanity, prepare to have your mental capacities shocked and awed, because the stupidity is only beginning. Oh yes, it gets better, so much better:

Documented hazards of this nature include:
Being unable to reverse the transformation if and while a pregnancy results.

So yeah, don't get pregnant once you turn into a horse, because it can be really tough to turn back into a human once you've had your horse baby. As messed up as that is, my favorite part of this warning is "Documented hazards". DOCUMENTED. Because so many people have written about their transformation into a horse that there are actually documented hazards for equine transformation (that's the scientific term). Documented...DOCUMENTED. I really can't stress the stupidity of that line enough. I also enjoyed this nugget on the choosing of methods:

Many are the ways in which one may transform oneself, and sober consideration must be given to all.

Yes, folks, it is not wise to drunkenly decide to turn into a horse. Obviously, if you're considering equine transformation, your judgment must be impeccable while sober, but intoxication can bring rash decisions out of the best of us. What I really hope for is someone using this defense in a drunk driving case:

Defendant: Judge, I was really wasted, and at that point, I knew I had two choices. Drive home, or turn into a horse and gallop home. I knew from the Internet, which never lies, that it was unwise to drunkenly turn into a horse, so I made the safer decision and drove home.

Judge: Case dismissed.

That could totally be half an episode of Franklin & Bash. 

Finally, I would like to address the preparations for becoming a horse. They recommend you have someone else to assist you in case you run into any problems during your equine transformation. I would LOVE to be this person. I know a lot of stupid people; I just don't know if they'd like to turn into a horse. But I cannot imagine anything better than watching a person "transform" into a horse. Imagine this scene:

I find an idiot who would like to perform an equine transformation. I first explain to them that they need to be outside while the transformation occurs, because they would be too big to exit out of a door of a house once they turned into a horse. I would then let them know that they needed to be naked in the yard, because the clothes could constrict their transformation. The person would probably object that I videotaped them, but I would have to so I could prove that they are a person who turned into a horse, and not just a regular horse, so the authorities wouldn't steal them away. My favorite part would be acting shocked as I pretended they were actually turning into a horse. My only problem would be holding in my laughter as I put a saddle on them and watched them eat grass. I'd probably stop short of nailing horseshoes on their hands and feet, but that's because I'm a good guy.

And so concludes my deep, dark, disturbing piece of investigative journalism on "If Wishers Were Horses."


You're welcome.

-Joe

P.S. Here is a deep look into the world of Larry Bernandez.

What I Learned From Step Up 3

Recovering from a four day bender on Sunday, I decided I would watch a movie to help me waste a couple hours. It was 1:12 in the afternoon, and I noticed that Step Up 3 (Since I did not watch it in 3D, I will refer to it as Step Up 3 which Wikipedia has told me is totally acceptable) had started at 1:10. I decided that I could get into the movie and hope that those two minutes that I missed would never come back to haunt me. I will probably never see those two minutes, but I am really hoping that it is two minutes of a disclaimer noting that any person who tries to view this movie in an intelligent manner will probably have their head explode within ten minutes.

So yeah, this movie is awesome.

Within ten minutes I actually learned something about myself when one of the main characters called another main character BFAB. There was only about five seconds until they explained what BFAB meant, but I was so excited because I was 100% positive that it was going to be awesome. It did not disappoint as I learned that BFAB means Born From A Boombox. It was a revelation for me, as I too, am Born From A Boombox.

The next thing I learned is that as long as you are dancing, you can commit crime with reckless abandon. Occasionally people will get angry, but they won't actually do anything about it. In this movie, they destroyed people's property, vandalized city streets, and stole like it was the only way to get into Heaven. The worst thing that happened to them for these crimes is some old lady tried to spray them with a hose. If you committed a dance murder, the worst punishment that would happen is someone overcooking your steak at the neighborhood barbecue. I'm honestly not sure if the American Justice System has the power to prosecute Dance Crime.

When competing in a dance-off, always, and I mean ALWAYS, dance last. I'm not sure if the sabermetric community has researched this, but according to my analysis, you will win 100% of the time as long as you are the last to break out dance moves.

Speaking of dance-offs, does anyone know where and when the Midwest Regionals will be taking place this year? With the strategic use of dancing last, I'm pretty sure West Coast Dance could take out The Pirates and The Samurai in the World Dance Championships. If anybody has any information on this, let me know with a comment or on the Facebook page.

The last thing I learned is that large warehouses in downtown New York City are shockingly affordable. With my modest approximation, they had about a 20,000 square foot warehouse. There were six different studios for dancing, and a dance club on a lower floor. This does not include the living spaces where about 20 dancers lived, or the regular living spaces as well as an office to edit films. Now if they were running a successful dance club, maybe they were making money off that, but nobody worked there, and there was clearly no security because a rival dance group was able to come right in and get into a dance battle. So I think they just had a dance club so other people with no jobs would have a place to dance in the middle of the afternoon. None of these dancers had jobs, and when they finally got evicted, all the dancers were pissed despite living for free for years at this point. After looking at everything logically, I am nearly positive that a 20,000 square foot warehouse in downtown New York is about $500 a month. I don't know why people bitch about prices in NY, because that seems like a hell of a deal to me.

Step Up 3 is like the Fast and the Furious franchise, except they replaced racing for pink slips with dancing for warehouses. I highly recommend it.

-Joe

P.S. If you are a baseball nerd, you will love this article.

West Coast Dance Has Spread To Jamaica

This video was posted on Grantland yesterday, and it is truly inspiring to see this level of West Coast Dance has spread into other countries to become an international dance craze. Here are some of my West Coast Dancing brothers in Jamaica showing you how to break it down:

There's a lot of great moves in this video, with some new moves mixed in with WCD classics.

They start off simple, just bouncing their body parts into a ladies caboose. Whether it be the hip, the dick, the ass, or even a sidekick, it's all in good WCD fun.

Another thing I love that is just briefly shown is playing the bongos on a girl's ass. Just tap-tap-tap that ass, and she'll absolutely love it. This is risky as you must make sure it's just a tap and not a grab. Also, try to limit your taps to groups of 2-4, so she only feels slightly demeaned by your actions. Any more, you may upset the girl, or even worse, get a mother hen involved.

My favorite moves are when they put their spin on some classic WCD moves. It's a staple for West Coast Dancers to get low instead of their lady dance partner. But to get low, then slowly spinning while tapping the girl's ass with different parts of your body is a very money maneuver. Shoulders are nice, but a headbutt to the rear end is a quality move that will have the ladies begging for more.

Finally, there is one thing that makes it evident that these guys aren't just high on drugs and are absolutely West Coast Dancers. They share these women, not as if they are some sort of sexual desire, but as if she's merely a prop to enhance their WCD moves. These women mean nothing to them, and all West Coast Dancers know what this does to the woman: It makes her want these guys more than she ever thought possible.

Let's face it. Ladies all around the world can't resist the raw sexuality of West Coast Dance.

-Joe

P.S. Want to see something else that is badass? Here's Shonn Greene running over Wisconsin:

Bronies Are Jabronies

When reader Jacob asked me to write about Bronies, I was confused. At first, I thought he was shortening the word jabronies and he wanted me to write about the worst wrestlers in professional wrestling history. That's an awesome idea for an article, and I still might do it. My next thought was that maybe he was just missing the "w" in brownies, and he feels like it's the best dessert of all time (he'd be wrong, it's cupcakes). But then he told me to Google it, and it was much more disturbing than either of those ideas.

Bronies are adult males who love My Little Pony. Yes, I am talking about this My Little Pony:

So I thought I could write about the men who love My Little Pony, but they really aren't that interesting. They're just a bunch of adults who watch My Little Pony. It's a lot like my group of friends, except we chose the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and because of that, we are not incredibly depressing losers.

But there must be something behind this show. So I decided to watch an episode on YouTube. I have to say I'm not very familiar with the show. I think my sister may have had some of the toys, but my childhood memories of watching cartoons primarily center around G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling. At first I was going to watch Episode 1, so I wouldn't be confused on anything, but it was a two-parter, and I really didn't want to be left with a cliffhanger, so I decided to take my chances and go with Episode 13, "Fall Weather Friends".

:58 - I'm less than a minute in, and I am thanking this YouTube poster for providing a description, because these two characters who are playing a game of Horseshoes have called each other approximately 600 different names while talking shit back and forth. Luckily, I know that the blue Pegasus is Rainbow Dash and the pony with the cowboy hat is Applejack.

1:19 - Applejack wins the game of horseshoes (obviously). Rainbow Dash is pissed, so she does the obvious thing: She challenges Applejack to an iron pony contest.

6:06 - They have been competing in a bunch of stupid events and each keep taking their turn winning. They show eight events, and then announce that they are halfway through and the score is 5-5. I have no idea what the other two events were, but I'm guessing they were not safe to be shown to children.

8:05 - Rainbow Dash proceeds to win the next ten events, because she has wings. I found this outrageous, and so did Applejack, so she calls her out on it. RD's use of wings really parallels Barry Bonds' use of steroids in baseball. Some would argue that there were no rules against it, while others see it as blatant cheating and think that RD and Bonds disgraced their games.

9:31 - They are now running a marathon to see who the best pony is, with one stipulation: There will be no use of wings allowed.

11:14 - There is now a purple horse involved called Twilight. RD and AJ are laughing at her, because she's a nerd and can't win the race. She says she's never run a race but has read books about it. If this bitch, Twilight, wins the race, I'm going to be pissed.

14:35 - I'm pretty sure Joe Buck learned how to announce from this show. These announcers are the worst, especially Pinkie Pie. The show is in on the joke, which I'm sure nerds love, but it doesn't make it less annoying.

20:20 - RD and AJ battle it out and tumble to the finish line. They tie...for last place. Twilight took fifth, so at least I don't have to be pissed.

21:30 - Some Super Princess Pony teaches them a valuable lesson about behaving properly. AJ and RD decide to become great friends, and all is well in Equestria.

So, what did I learn from watching MLP? Not much. The show is tolerable, but not good. I have no interest in becoming a bronie. There's really no room for that in my life. But I am proud to be a Broski. Woo woo woo, you know it.

-Joe

P.S. What's the fastest growing domestic beer? That's right, Natty Light, bitches. Suck on that.

Ultimate Warrior's Fatherly Advice

So, The Ultimate Warrior tweets so fast that I can't keep up with everything that he says. Hence, about a month late, I would like to tackle his advice from Father's Day on how to be the ULTIMATE parent (you see what I did there?). I don't have kids, and I'm currently single, so unless something goes terribly wrong, I shouldn't have to worry about this type of stuff. Still, I think caring for a child is a lot like caring for a dog, so maybe I'll be inspired to get a puppy when all is said and done.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Happy Father's Day to all the REAL dads who get that Fatherhood is more than an orgasm. Warrior handshakes to u. Big hugs to your kids. AB-W

Seems like a simple and effective message. Nice job, Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#2 Being their protector and provider. #3 Looking straight into their eyes when I explain something to them or disipline them.

Oh, you're doing a list. Well, I'm not sure if realizing that fatherhood is more than an orgasm or big hugs to your kids is the first piece of advice, but either way, hey, let's check out this list. I like this early advice of staring into their advice to show that you have no weaknesses. I recently had a child hit a tennis ball that hit me in a very sensitive area. I wanted to cry, but I did not cry. Never show weakness.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#4 Telling teachers who try to teach them p/c & morally relative ideas or try kill their unique creative individuality to back the F' OFF.

I love this advice, because as this blog makes pretty clear, I love freedom of speech, but I also like to imagine the look of terror on the teacher's face when The Ultimate Warrior tells them to "Back the fuck off." I would not blame them if they peed themselves.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#5 Reading my girls to sleep every night and then sitting in the candlelight watching them breath while they are asleep.

Can we use a Batman nightlight if we don't have candles? It's just my preference. And also, once I see that their nervous system does keep them breathing while sleeping, can I leave and play video games? I mean, the Bears aren't going to win a Super Bowl in real life, so I'd like to at least get it accomplished on Madden.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#6 Standing at the sink, cupping their tiny hands in my big ones, washing theirs for them. #7 Their smell. #8 Hearing them say, Daddy.

This is where we run into problems. Number six can be seen as advice for fathers, but #7 is most definitely not advice. He lost track of what he was listing and then just starts naming things that he likes about his children. Well, shit, Warrior, that isn't going to help me be a better father. And what if I'm born with a child who has no smell? Should I love him less? I'm not sure, because you stopped giving any fucking advice on the topic.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#9 Their groans when I make them eat their egg whites. #10 How they snuggle up in my lap half-way through every movie. #11 Tiny, soft kisses

And you won me back. Any parent who makes their child eat egg whites instead of eggs is so unbelievably awesome that I could never stay mad at them. And he also went back to advice since he subtly promotes feeding children egg whites. Personally, with most people's diets, the difference in cholesterol between eggs and egg whites probably isn't going to make a substantial difference, but it's something I'll keep in mind when looking for ways to subtly torture my children.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#12 My daughter Mattigan’s wit and defiance-- like her mother’s. #13 My daughter Indiana’s concentration and intensity -- like who?
Do you mean like this guy?

I sure hope not, because if so, she's going to have a ton of brain damage.

And so wraps up The Warrior's fatherly advice. There was a lot of stuff in there, but I believe the important stuff is tell their teachers to fuck off, get a good nightlight, and feed them egg whites. Definitely feed them egg whites.

-Joe

P.S. This screenshot from LOLSlater is the only good thing that came from the Tori years.

Let's Check In With Jose Canseco

So apparently Jose had a mild (by his standards) breakdown on Twitter on Friday night. Unfortunately, by the time I woke up on Saturday morning, the posts had been deleted, and outside of him giving out his ex-girlfriend's phone number and telling interested parties to bring weed if they wanted to enjoy her company, I'm really not too sure what else he said.

But one night of a meltdown is never enough, so let's check in on Jose and see how he's doing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I will never forget or forgive what u said to me leila ur evil

Okay, so apparently they're not back together. But what did she say? I was thinking about the worst things somebody could say to Jose Canseco, and these were the best I could come up with:

3. You are a terrible celebrity boxer.

2. Sandy Alderson called, he says you suck.

1. You'll never win a spelling bee.

If she said number three, I'd be disappointed in her, if it was two, I'd be impressed with her creativity, but if she said number one, that's just mean.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Be careful with woman who show off there tits and ass and think that's a career

I agree; there is a good chance they'll tell you that they can sex you for ten hours straight, but their version of sex is actually just them eating cupcakes. But that might just be a Midwest stripper thing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Or have a bad drug problem u can't fix them

Wait, women with bad drug problems can't be spayed. Because if you can do it to a dog without its permission, I don't see why you can't do it to a woman without her permission. Avoid overpopulation, get your lady fixed today.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Would love to meet a nice holesome midwest girl here in chicago. We play tomorrow night at 7 pm in zion if anyone is out there for me

Jose has really lowered his standards. He's gone from Madonna to "holesome" girls. I mean, if your only criteria is that a woman has multiple holes, you really shouldn't have too hard of a time finding a mate. I mean, I've heard that those LA women are surgically altered and everything, but the fact that Jose has to come to the Midwest to find a "holesome" girl makes me very worried about what surgeries are actually happening out west.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

wholesome

Oh, I guess that makes more sense.

-Joe

P.S. This is an excellent way to propose to your main squeeze:

Someone Tried to Trick Me Into Prostitution

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