Sorry Ladies, I'm Engaged

Ladies, I have terrible news. I know that your parents said that if you dream big and work hard enough, anything is possible. Well, unfortunately, that is no longer the case. I am engaged, so you will have to settle for second best. Here is my story.

My biggest goal was to have the ring for as little time as possible. It was supposed to be ready by 4:00 on Wednesday. My jeweler was going to let me know when it was done. The problem is that I work 45 minutes away from the jewelry store, so I had to leave without totally knowing if everything had gone smoothly.

I arrived, and the ring looked great. I felt like a boss. Also, free champagne (there was a bunch of other stuff in the bag, but I got distracted by the free champagne and tuned her out after that). Then she required me to pay for the balance of the ring. I confidently handed her my card, ready to get home to start making dinner. My card was denied. Aw, crap. I knew I had enough money in my account, but I forgot to see what my limit was because I do not think ahead, and I am not used to making extravagant purchases. I mean, I frequently spend over $100 on groceries, so it's not like that card doesn't get a good workout. I look up the number to my bank and see if they can approve the charge. I chat with a banker, and he tells me that he can, but he will have to call someone else and give me a call back. No problem. As I wait, my jeweler assures me that this happens all the time, and I confidently wait. 

I get a call back, and the banker tells me that he cannot get the charges approved for 24-48 hours. Sweet. But I can go in and get a Cashier's Check to take care of everything (Oh yeah, I also don't have checks, because checks are for old people and I'm a Toys R Us Kid or something). Okay, just wasted some time and now I need to get to the bank and take care of everything. This is not ideal, but I needed to stop by the grocery store anyway, so it's not the end of the world.

I drop by the bank, and the banker I talked to greeted me to get things taken care of as quickly as possible. He asked me where the check should be made out to, and I told him the jewelry store. He congratulated me, which was nice. But then he told me that had he known that, he could have just approved it over the phone as an emergency. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT OPTION. Anyway, no big deal, I walked away with a large cashier's check (it was actually a regular sized check, but it had a big number on it) and headed to the grocery store.

My girlfriend had made it very clear to me that she wanted something simple. In fact, she flat out told me that if I proposed in any sort of public place, she would not only say no, but we would immediately break up. So, I kept it simple and planned a nice dinner of steak, asparagus, and grilled peppers. With me being able to throw everything on the grill, it was also a fairly easy meal for me to make. I speed-walked through the store and picked up all of the necessary items and got in the shortest line I could find. Just one lady in front of me, so it shouldn't take that long. Of course, the lady I was in front of brought in recyclable bags and a bunch of coupons. I slowly deflated as I saw every line move faster than the one I was in. This probably robbed me of, at worst, three minutes, but I wanted to headbutt that lady into submission.

Back to the jewelry store to finalize everything. I give her the check and take my ring, champagne and other stuff back home to prepare my night of romancing. I get home, let the dog out and start gathering wood, because we have a fireplace that we have never used, and what better night than this one to get started. I was never a boy scout, but I have been to many bonfires, and I am building what I believe is a pretty bomb ass fire structure. Then I get a knock at the door. I have gotten an unexpected knock at the door maybe twice at the house I have lived at for over a year. Some clown is trying to sell me a roof. "I do not have time for this, and I am renting, so get out of here, clown" is what I'm thinking, but I politely decline his offer and get back to fire making.

I didn't get lighter fluid, because I've watched enough Workaholics to be an honorary Beagle Scout. So, I get the fire going a little. There was definitely more smoke than fire, but a little fire is a good thing, that fire is going to catch any second now. But man, it was really producing a lot of smoke. Still, I'm not giving up. I have to turn my head away as the smoke burns my eyes, but I think I am almost there. Still nothing. My dog starts barking, and I look back to realize that the house is beginning to fill with smoke, and my dog is warning me to get out of there. Operation fireplace romance is cancelled, as I shut the doors to the fireplace and open up doors and windows to try to get all of the smoke out of there. I look back at the fireplace and realize that the doors don't close perfectly, and there is a crack right at the top letting a consistent stream of smoke out. I lean a chair against the doors to solve the problem. Things are not going as I had planned. 

There is no fire, but you bet your ass I can do candles. I bought 50 small candles and a few big ones to pimp out the house. I was going to do candles along the path from the door to the dining room, but I realized that my dog is too stupid to not knock them over, and there would be wax all over the place. My girlfriend would have been pissed about the mess, and it would not have set the ideal mood. So, I got two strips of aluminum foil, set them down in a couple locations and started doing some candle drawings. On our buffet, I designed a heart, and my art work was rather impressive. On the table, I wrote "ILY" which was not a poor homage to T.I.'s song, "I'm Illy" but stood for I Love You. Trust me, I know that this sounds very douchey, but I promise that it is more of a joke than anything we take seriously.

As I get everything set up, my girlfriend calls me to let me know that she will be heading home. That's basically my 15 minute warning to get my ass moving. It still definitely smells like smoke, but it's also March in Iowa, so I need to shut the door so she is not shivering through dinner. It's not nearly as smoky as before, but I can still smell smoke, which probably means that it smells pretty strongly of smoke, since I am nearly smell-blind. Blame it on the candles, I think to myself, which reminds me that I need to get like 60 candles lit up. I scramble around and get everything lit, but instead of admiring my masterpiece, I need to get the grill started and all the food prepared. I quickly season up everything and get it on the grill before she walks in the door.

I greet my lady with a kiss and a hug. She immediately asks me if I was burning incense and not in a good way. I explain the fireplace issue. But I apparently did a good enough job of clearing the house of smoke that she does not bring it up again. We sit down for our meal, and everything was going well until she looks over and notices that wax is dripping off my aluminum foil and onto the buffet. Our heart of love had to be extinguished. Not a good sign.

She then talks about her day and how things are going at work. And she just keeps talking. It was mostly interesting, but I was only half paying attention, because I just wanted to get rid of this damn ring. I kept looking for any opportunity to butt in, but she was like the Energizer Bunny and kept going and going and going. I felt like she was trying to filibuster this proposal. Not gonna happen, lady. She got up to clean off her plate (should I have probably done that? Yes, but I had a lot going on in my head, so give me a break), and this gave me my opportunity. As she was at the sink, I grabbed my expertly placed ring from a drawer and walked over, dropped down to a knee, told her a bunch of lovey dovey, mushy stuff about how much I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, and boom, popped the question, got the yes, and put the ring on her finger. 

So I got my main squeeze locked down,which is good, because she's actually successful, and I have enough time to write a blog, so clearly things aren't looking up for me any time soon. Obviously, that is number one from this experience. But number two ain't bad either. My lady didn't feel like champagne that night. Champagne-drunk St. Patty's Weekend? Don't mind if I do.

Oscar Spoilers for 2014

Note: This is an article courtesy of Lukewarm Jonah. Check out his other work by clicking the label at the bottom of the article.

I was in an Oscar pool with a film critic friend of mine and was not happy when I got beat.  I’m a competitor, even in stupid things like picking the Oscars.  For mine and everyone’s benefit I’ve decided to break down the probable nominees and winners.  Use this information wisely and you can win some serious dough as well as impressing all your friends at the next Oscars.

Best Picture:

Snitch

GI Joe: Retaliation

Pain and Gain

Fast 6

Empire State (Not the stupid Zach Braff movie)

Probable winner: Fast 6.  No real drama here, I’m sure all these movies will have their strong suits, but there is no way Fast 6 can lose.

Best Leading Actor:

The Rock- GI Joe: Retaliation

The Rock- Snitch

The Rock- Pain and Gain

The Rock- Empire State

Vin Diesel- Fast 6

Probable winner: The Rock, Snitch.  The Rock really plays outside character in this role by not single handedly taking down the entire country of Columbia, and is actually shown to be vulnerable, even getting beaten up.  The Academy has to respect that kind of range.  If you’re looking for a sleeper, Vin Diesel could steal it from The Rock in Fast 6 because you know that the Academy is going to want to give that movie as many awards as possible.

Best Supporting Actor:

The Rock- Fast 6

Marky Mark- Pain and Gain

Ludacris- Fast 6

Roddy Piper- Fast 6 (Probably)

Liam Hemsworth- Empire State

Mankind- Martin Luther King Day

Tyrese- Fast 6

Kurt Angle- Pain and Gain

Probable Winner: The Rock.  He’s the best actor in the best movie of the year.  When they announce this category at the Oscars, they’ll just invite The Rock to sit on stage while the nominees are read.  Biggest gimmee pick of the year.

Best Actress:

Michelle Rodriguez- Fast 6

Adrienne Palacki- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jordanna Brewster- Fast 6

Rebel Wilson- Pain and Gain

Emma Roberts- Empire State

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable Winner: Emma Roberts, Empire State.  The Fast 6 run comes to a halt in the night’s biggest upset so far.  Emma Roberts is fantastic, and you pair her up with the Rock and she’s going to be making it rain with awards.

Best Supporting Actress:

Susan Sarandon- Snitch

Vivi Pineda- Pain and Gain

Gina Carano- Fast 6

Nikki Reed- Empire State

Elodie Yung- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable winner: Susan Sarandon, Snitch.  Classically trained actress playing opposite the Rock in a somewhat adversarial role?  That’s bigger Oscar gold than a movie about World War II.  Carano won’t win even though it’s Fast 6, not in her first outing anyways.    

Best Director:

Dito Montiel- Empire State

Michael Bay- Pain and Gain

Justin Lin- Fast 6

Ric Roman Waugh- Snitch

Jon Chu- GI Joe: Retaliation

Probable Winner: Justin Lin.  Honestly, this is a choice that I’m going against the academy on.  I mean all Lin had to do every day was show up and tell his all star cast to be awesome.  Seems like an incredibly easy directing job, but the smart money is on him taking home that gold statue.  Ric Roman Waugh should win for not directing the Rock to destroy everyone in sight.

So there you have your probable 2014 Oscar picks, I’ve got an in on the Academy and I can pretty much guarantee these nominees and winners.  The only real question left is whether the Rock will Rock Bottom anyone at the 2014 Oscars, John Malkovich I’m looking your way.

American Ninja: Cinema's Hidden Gem

A friend recently encouraged me to check out the movie American Ninja. By encourage, I mean that he brought over American Ninja 1-3 on DVD and told me that I had to check it out as these were his favorite movies growing up. I know that when I heard American Ninja, I assumed it must be a Chuck Norris film, but they went one better and got Michael Dudikoff. You may remember him as Conscript #2 in TRON. If that doesn't ring a bell, then you will definitely remember him in the smash hit, The Ringmaster, starring Jerry Springer, where Dudikoff played Rusty. Anyway, look at how badass he is on the cover.

Look how big his fists are, or how tiny his head is, either way, he will be very dangerous as he will hit hard or easily dodge punches designed for people with normal-sized heads. Two more things; first is that his name is Joe in this movie, because it is impossible to come up with a more badass sounding name. Second, expect a lot of spoilers, because I do not expect anyone to go out and watch this movie after this.

We see our hero all by his lonesome, playing with his switchblade while everyone else is playing hacky sack. He’s a part of the Army, but you can tell that he doesn’t quite fit in. Some hot chick came out, and everyone was impressed, everyone but the American Ninja. It is clear that his boner only gets hard by killing bad guys.

The Army bros get attacked by a group of Asian militants. Everyone keeps their cool and allows these terrorists to steal all of their supplies. That is, everyone but Joe. The American Ninja starts fighting a bunch of them, and all of these Asians refuse to use their guns. The hot chick takes a car and speeds away, but first she inexplicably stops, waits for her tire to get shot out, and then attempts to speed away, causing her to flip the vehicle. Women drivers, AMIRITE?

Anyway, these militants will only use their guns for long range shooting, so the military ends up kicking all of their asses. The Americans steal the guns, which looks like a good thing until Ninjas pop up out nowhere and start hauling ass on the Americans. Joe saves the girl’s life from the ninjas, and the ninja leader is impressed, as he states, “He possess great skirrs.”

When Joe is helping Patricia (Hot Chick's name), the movie really shines, because it is horribly offensive to women. She is complaining about not being able to run, so he breaks the heels off her shoes, and she is pissed. Ninjas are hunting her down, and she is worried about keeping her heels in tack. She then claims that she would rather be killed by ninjas than jump in a dirty river, but he makes her jump in anyway. She gets out of the water and wants a comb, because her clothes and hair are wet. So yeah, this movie wasn’t real progressive on equality.

We then find out that a Frenchie is behind the Ninjas. The Frenchie tells the head Ninja to kill our hero, and Black Style Ninja is pumped. What is a Black Style Ninja, you ask? Well, it is the only Ninja who has reached the highest rank that. This Ninja is the only one of that rank outside of Japan, so yeah, he's a pretty bad dude. We also get to see the Ninja training facility, and it looks like an episode of Ninja Warrior.

I'm not sure if that makes it more or less legit. One thing is for sure, ninjas love monkey bars.

Jackson is a drill sergeant that is pissed about Joe's antics, so he calls out Joe to fight him. Jackson is black, so you know that he is tough. He keeps asking Joe if he’s a badass, then accuses him of being a glory boy. Finally, they fight, and Jackson gets his ass handed to him. Jackson tries like six different moves and gets owned every time. It got so bad that Jackson took a club, while Joe put a bucket over his own head, and Joe still owned him.

Jackson asked him where he learned that stuff, but Joe had amnesia, so he has no memory. All he knows are ninja moves.

Jackson has the best plan ever when he suggests that him and Joe become professional wrestlers. i repeat, Jackson just suggested that they become PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. Just in case you are still skimming through, JACKSON JUST SUGGESTED THAT THEY BECOME PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. That is just...perfect. Unfortunately, Joe doesn't like crowds.

One thing Joe does like is hot babes, like Patricia. You see, she's a hot babe, and Joe likes her. Charlie, who changes opinions on a whim, helps Joe sneak off base to meet her. Charlie may be the best character in this movie. He is completely full of shit and says that chicks are always after his nuts and he's a world famous surfer back home in California. I don't trust Charlie, but I want to party with him.

Senor Ortega is the main boss, so apparently he’s not French. Whoops. I thought he sounded more like Jacques Rougeau than Alberto Del Rio. And yes, pro wrestling is the only way that I can tell foreigners apart.

We also find the US Army Sergeant and Colonel are working for Ortega, and that is why they have been so hard on Joe. The Sergeant tells him to report to a warehouse, but there are like a half dozen, a dozen, two dozen, 30 ninjas waiting for him. No big deal, Joe killed them all. The ninjas did many fancy flips, but Joe just kept stabbing them when they got close, which those ninjas were not prepared for. They even tried the cargo net trick, but that only works on Sting. He stabbed like 20 ninjas with the same sword but never got blood on it, so that’s something.

Joe gets thrown in Army Jail, and the Black Sword ninja goes to try and kill him. The Black Style Ninja runs like a total fairy. He is a big time prancer. No way an American Ninja gets taken out by this wuss.

The Military is about to take him in for murder, but he jumps over a couch to escape. Seriously. He jumped over a couch, busted through a window, and everyone in the military was left standing on the other side of the couch, unable to give chase. They had to take the long way to try to catch him. The Sergeant was giving chase, went off the road, yelled no, drove for a few more seconds, ran into a small tree, and then BOOM! His jeep exploded and he was blown to smithereens.

There were approximately 200 people stabbed in this movie. I saw blood once. There was a guy with a Chinese star sticking out of his head, and there was no blood. I just thought that should be mentioned.

Black Power Ninja killed American Ninja’s mentor. Shit is about to get real. Jackson came in to help, and you best believe that he is only wearing a camo tanktop and shooting everything in sight. He also has a fight with a large Asian dude where both of their primary offensive moves involved striking their opponent in the groin. Jackson keeps it real.

Eventually, American Ninja kills all the bad guys. All of them except for Ortega. Jackson, take it away.

KABOOM! I know what you're thinking, how can you watch this movie? Good news, here is the link for American Ninja, and movies 2-4 are also currently available for free on YouTube. Looks like I've got my next six hours planned out.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 6 - War

Well, if you saw the season finale of Suits on Thursday, you know that shit went down, but for those of you that didn't watch, let me just tell you: Shit went down. There wasn't just some shady behavior; there may have only been shady behavior throughout the entire episode. And don't get me started about that ending. Hoo boy, that ending. Anyway, for last week's rankings, click here. And now onto the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules:

1. Mike Ross - Got called Baby Harvey, and thought of it as a compliment...for Harvey. But, his lawyering was pretty weak as he totally sold out Harvey so he wouldn't go to prison. I don't think Jessica had the vagina balls to follow through with turning him in for being a fake lawyer, but he bitched out majorly. So, how in the hell is he ranked number one? The end of the episode, but we'll touch on that later.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica knows how valuable Harvey is. Jessica is trying to control Harvey by getting up in his grill. I hate her so much for what she did to Mike and Harvey, but goddamn if it wasn't some fine lawyering. She completely screwed over Harvey by threatening Mike and not allowing that information to see the light of day. It was incredibly shady, but that just makes me respect it more. I hate her for what she did, but I have no choice but to respect it.

3. Edward Darby - Darby throws a sexy party to impress Pearson Hardman employees. It does not impress Harvey. Secretly, Darby is scared of how good Harvey is, but Harvey must never know that. He showed some solid lawyering to put Harvey against the wall, but Jessica was the star of the team that won the case. Still, picking a team and having them do the work is a pretty boss thing for him to do.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Got in a fight with a British dude and threatened to shit on the Queen...or something. Then he became best friends with Nigel. But even a best friend of Louis will get screwed over by Louis, as he broke his promise to the Brit and barely felt bad about it. He truly Litt him up. Also, let's talk about mudding. I had no idea what this meant, so I decided to go for the best source to learn about such a term, Urban Dictionary, and since I don't think either of them can be butch, nor do they drive pickup trucks, it means that they either love dark ladies or entering dark places. I'm going with the latter and calling both of them scoundrels.

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey is doing everything he can to stop the merger. Harvey totally pulled a power move on Darby. "Oh and everything, that's your record against me," is definitely a line that I want to start using to shut people down. Both Jessica and Darby think that Harvey is about the best lawyer in the world; he's like the MICHAEL JORDAN of lawyering. Harvey ain't no homewrecker, so he doesn't want Scotty to be anything more than a bangpiece. He did help her get her job back, but he refuses to let himself fall in love. Also, he's not a partner, because Jessica outcheated him. He really faded down the stretch. The question is whether this is 1994-95 Michael Jordan, and he's about to be better than ever, or if it's Wizards Jordan, and he's about to go downhill and start wearing ridiculous clothes.

6. Dana Scott - She wants Harvey to be a partner in their super firm. Not because he's a great lawyer, but because she is actually in love with him. She has to sue him to get his attention, and she is willing to throw the case away to win his heart. She attempted to throw the case, but then lost her job instead, so that was a miscalculation on her part. She did get her job back with Harvey's help, but neither one of them will be partner anytime soon.

7. Nigel Alexander Nesbitt - Nigel thinks he's going to bang Donna; I do not see this turning out well for him. But he is also owning Louis at every turn. He calls a truce and follows through on it, like a total gentleman. A total gentleman that got screwed over by Louis.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - Got bamboozled by Louis into thinking that she was Harvard material. She looks more like a USC student to me. Does USC have a law school? I don't know, and don't care, but it still seems like a proper spot for Ms. Zane. But none of that is important. Law school rollercoasters of emotion are boring. The important part is that she decided it was time to get freak nasty when she found out that Mike didn't go to Harvard. I have lied about going to Harvard to seduce ladies, but I have never tried the opposite, but I may have to give it a shot. Honestly, Donna had this spot, but then Rachel showed some butt cleavage and was banging like a champ. She showed skin for the win, and BRAAAAAA...VO on that.

Butt cleavage. It was exactly how I hoped this season would end. 

Suits Power Rankings: Week 5 - Normandy

This episode may have been called Normandy, but it should have been called Ladies Night, because the ladies were ON POINT in this episode. It seems that they one-upped every guy that they interacted with and good for them. Too often, ladies play by the rules, but I saw a different side where these Law Ladies played by their own rules, and, not gonna lie, it was a major turn on. Last week's rankings are here, now onto this week's list:

1. Jessica Pearson - Her firm has no money, which is embarrassing. I thought she was going to have a very weak performance, but she's still got swagger. She did a great job of putting people in their places. Then at the end, she threw everyone a curveball. By thinking about a merger with Darby, she was able to share her books, and he was able to find the embezzlement by HARDMAN. That is playing by your own rules and some great lawyerin'. Great job, Jessica. You have earned the number one spot.

2. Katrina Bennett - Was putting Mike in his place repeatedly. Then she pulled a power move on Rachel and made her feel like shit. Then she beat Mike to the information that they were searching for. She is basically driving Mike and Rachel to a joint suicide. She notifies Rachel that it's good that she is going to law school, because lawyers "sleep with the paralegals, but end up with the lawyers." She was a total bitch, and I loved it. I like Kat, but I can't help but wish it was played by Autumn Reeser. I mean, really, who couldn't use more Taylor Townsend in their life?

3. Dana Scott - Never got married, but still looking good. She took the Bakersfield case, so that's baller of her. Then she made fun of Harvey's age, which takes balls, vagina balls, but balls nonetheless. She showed so much balls that she forced Harvey to join up with her firm. Also, her firm has a jet, and she litigated Harvey into sleeping with her. Surprisingly, no lady has ever gotten me on a private jet and convinced me into sleeping with her. She tricked Harvey pretty well, but he left her with her cleavage hanging out. Don't worry, sweet Scotty, if you give me a ride on your jet, I'll give you a ride on my rocket. HEY-OH!

4. Mike Ross - Mike Ross would have a great college, because he would only let in hot chicks. He gets totally owned by Katrina repeatedly, as she always finds a way to be a step ahead. But he uses her own methods against her to get major credit for helping out in the Folsom Foods case. I still can't put him quite as high as the ladies.

5. Harvey Specter - Needs to get the cash money. Harvey really impressed me by using a WWII reference instead of a Michael Jordan reference. It looked like Scotty had a leg up on him, and not in a good way where that leg is up on his shoulder, HEY-OH! But then he totally gets her firm to do exactly what he wants. Harvey made a lady with no uterus cry. His bad cop was on point. He turns down Scotty, because she actually knew more than he did and was tricking him the whole time. This means no sex and no partnership, because Michael Jordan didn't need teammates...to buy the Bobcats (I'm actually pretty sure he does have partners in that, but I couldn't ignore the contributions of Scottie Pippen and friends during the glory years, and I needed to make some sort of Michael Jordan reference).

6. Edward Darby - He's one cool cat who wants to get naked with Harvey. Everyone at that damn British firm wants to have sex with Harvey. Plus he might merge with Pearson Hardman. I know PH always says they are the best firm in New York, but they have no money, and this firm in England seems like way better off. But, as the saying goes, Darby's gonna Darb.

7. Daniel Hardman - Pearson Hardman spent a bunch of time trying to start where HARDMAN would not be, and that is exactly where he was. Unfortunately, they got into his head when they took his name plate down. Then he got outhustled by Jessica's tricks. Please don't go, HARDMAN. I'll miss you.

8. Sheila Sass - Stopped Rachel from getting into Harvard. Then banged Louis, but didn't get her vagina balls off enough to let Rachel in. Tough break.

9. Louis Litt - "Litt"erally was not around for the first half of this episode, but immediately made an impact by assuring Rachel that he would get her into Harvard. Then he gets after it with Sheila.  Louis said she didn't get in, because she wanted revenge, but it was because he couldn't give her the business well enough.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's looking at places to live near Harvard, but she didn't get in, so whoopsies. But she put on her sexiness to help out Mike and screw over Katrina, so props to her for that. Even if she can't get into Harvard, she can still go to law school. Maybe she'll go to Greendale Community College and be Law classmates with Jeff Winger.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 4 - He's Back

Another day, another dollar, as Pearson Hardman hollers at the world. Shit hit the fan this week with the return of my personal favorite character, Daniel Hardman. This man is pure scumbag, and I love it. This man plays by his own rules, and last night was no exception. He interacted with everyone at Pearson Hardman and came out on top each and every time. Crap, I'm already getting into too many details. Anyway, here are last week's rankings. Now onto the Suits rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Daniel Hardman - As if there was any doubt on who would be number one. HARDMAN comes out with guns ablaze and turns the Folsom Foods trial into a subpoena against Pearson Hardman for firing his bangpiece. You don't fire a man's bangpiece without consequences. HARDMAN is a step ahead of them at every turn, and it was maybe the most impressive ownage in the show's history. That confidentiality agreement working for HARDMAN is fantastic. But the fact that he doesn't care whether his client wins or they break the confidentiality agreement doesn't matter to him, because he wins either way which is the definition of a lawyer playing by his own rules. HARDMAN dropped the hammer on Jessica, when he told her that Jessica was "younger than her, prettier than her, and sexually active at a child bearing age." That is just such a brilliantly dick move. It's amazing that Jessica Pearson ever rose up through the company, because HARDMAN straight owned her.

2. Mike Ross - Wrote such a good case that HARDMAN took it word for word, so he's got that going for him. He led a deposition and got owned by HARDMAN. But he was able to get a settlement from Monica, and he did it by meeting with her over and over without her lawyer present. He knows he shouldn't be doing that, but he still does, which gives him extra points for playing by his own rules.

3. Robert Zane - He is racist as shit when it comes to football as he believes that the negroes play the defensive line and the honkeys play the offensive line. I don't even know if he had a point to make. I feel like he was just trying to make white people uncomfortable, but didn't realize that there were no white people around, so he was just kind of exposing his own pointless racism. But pointless racism is totally playing by your own rules, so bonus points for that. In other news, he can get a ton of information disparaging HARDMAN, but he still likes the guy. For some reason, nobody at Pearson Hardman has thought to have his daughter explain what a scumbag Danny Boy is.

4. Harvey Specter - Harvey loses a couple spots, because he really put it on himself to go head-to-head with HARDMAN and got his ass handed to him. It's like Clyde Drexler trying to take on Michael Jordan. Sure, Drexler was great, but he always looked worse when he had to go against the best. Harvey wants to crush HARDMAN but was crushed when HARDMAN knew that he tried to become partner and got denied. Harvey tries to get a closed hearing, but then finds out that HARDMAN has already covered that avenue. Harvey acts reasonable throughout and decides they should settle, because HARDMAN has been one step ahead of them at every turn.

5. Monica Eaton - Noted bangpiece. Not a lot of lawyerin'.

6. Louis Litt - He wants on the Monica Eaton case, because "Revenge is the best revenge." But he is totally in love with Monica. Louis was so excited that Mike led the deposition, then so sad that he was mentioned as sexually harassing Monica. So he goes into the elevator to threaten HARDMAN. Unfortunately, HARDMAN barely seemed bothered about his life being threatened. Better luck next time, Louie.

7. Jessica Pearson - Jessica got completely owned early on as she exposed the firm to a lawsuit by giving complete confidentiality to HARDMAN by signing the agreement after barely looking at it. That is some of the worst lawyerin' on the show. She got repeatedly owned and tried to play by her own rules only to be a failure at every turn.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She's freaking out, because she's not sure if she can make it into Harvard Law School. She does the logical thing and hangs out at her Dad's house, not with him, mind you, just over there, while he watches racist football. She did finish her application, and she was the only person to ever write a good essay when applying to Harvard Law School, so she KNOWS she got in. I bet Harvard is really happy to finally read something good, because it can usually only get Stansbury rejects.

Suits Power Rankings: Week 3 - Zane vs. Zane

Well, I'm late again this week. My excuse? Um, mostly laziness. There is no other way around it. I just decided to catch up on Suits this week. People have been sending me spoilers about a Daniel HARDMAN comeback, but it's not the end result that matters, it's the road that you take to get there. This was an incredibly strong week, as there was some top notch lawyerin' all around. As always, these are the rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Robert Zane - Tells his daughter to rely on her looks, because her brains ain't gonna get her across town. That's some fatherly advice, especially on the poor broads birthday. He badgers a witness that had a lot in common with his daughter, which was some great parallelism. Then Robert calls out Harvey to try to take it from him at trial, because he's a straight up BAWSE. Then he tries to merge with Pearson Hardman, because he plays by his own rules, and I totally respect that. It looks like he's going to lose the case, so he does the only reasonable thing. He first tells his daughter that the case is over, so they can make amends and become best buds again. Then he drops it and gives it to HARDMAN. This guy literally is wiping his ass with the lawyer rule book. Congratulations, Bobby Z.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey starts off the episode with a Michael Jordan drop. They are not messing around this season with MJ drops. Harvey vows to destroy Robert Zane for lowballing them. Harvey, who hasn't run into Robert Zane since Mike Ross started, knew that Robert Zane loves his daughter enough that seeing her in the deposition will throw him off his game. I feel like there is some exclusive Facebook for top-notch lawyers where Harvey can find out this information. Michael Jordan probably runs it. Harvey tries to exploit Zane by having Rachel there, but Bobby Z don't care. Still, bringing someone's family into this is a horrible thing to do, and that is why he is so high up on this list.

3. Katrina Bennett - She wants to go toe-to-toe with Louis, so she charms his pants off. Not literally, because she's pretty hot, and Louis would jump at that. She came up with the most pathetic plan ever, as Louis got in trouble for missing court. After Louis got her back, she takes it a step further and gets him arrested for bringing in a weapon to the court room. Nice job, Kat. But it leads to her becoming best friends with Louis. I've got my eye on you two.

4. Louis Litt - Babysits Katrina, because she is incompetent compared to her peers at Pearson Hardman. Louis did a far better job of pranking her by taking her files and replacing them with pictures of him photoshopped on famous Americans. Litt knows about finances and photoshop. He's a dual-threat in the courtroom. Then Louis outdueled Donna which never happens.

5. Mike Ross - He was very respectful to Mr. Zane. Gotta get in good with Dad if you want to bang the daughter again. Mike finds out that the company has been discriminating against a ton of women, which helps out their case a ton. He then hangs out with Harvey so they can throw it in Robert Zane's face. It was some good ol' fashioned lawyerin', but a little bit too much of playing within the rules.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made fun of Harvey's hair, because her and Bobby Z have a secret lawyer language. She didn't do much else until the end, when she made Robert Zane her bitch which forced him to pull out the HARDMAN card. So...yeah, that plan backfired.

7. Daniel Hardman - He didn't even show up on the episode, but the name of HARDMAN still sends shivers down their spines. HARDMAN is going to wreak havoc, and it will be glorious.

Best Non-Lawyer Performance
Rachel Zane - She turned down a free lunch after her Dad implied that she was stupid, which just kind of further proved his point. But then she vowed to kick his ass in the settlement case. Instead she got really sad about her Dad's deposition and the fact that he's never been proud of her. 

Predictions Leading Up To Wrestlemania 29

I spend way too much time thinking about professional wrestling. I say that as a 28 year old, fully functioning adult, who has seduced ladies in real life. I know that combination is surprising for many people, but pro wrestling is awesome. I have obviously waxed poetically about Antonio Cesaro before, but there is a lot of interesting things going on. The Rock is back. He won the title. CM Punk held the title for like a year and a half before that. John Cena lost every important match for a year straight. So what's going to happen next?

CM Punk is going to talk about how his title reign (even though he doesn't have the title, he still talks as if the title is still his) is the most impressive streak in professional wrestling. He will face The Rock at Elimination Chamber. In this match, The Rock will be close to winning, but then Brock Lesnar will attack him to help CM Punk win. Punk will hit his finisher, the GTS (Go To Sleep), but before he can pin him. The lights will go out. Undertaker will take out Punk, helping The Rock retain the title. Undertaker will then face CM Punk at Wrestlemania since his undefeated Wrestlemania streak is considered the greatest streak in professional wrestling.

John Cena and friends will beat The Shield at Elimination Chamber, because John Cena is now invincible. He will beat The Rock at Wrestlemania. They will hug after the match in a "passing the torch" moment. John Cena may not lose in 2013.

Don't feel bad for The Rock; Fast and the Furious Six will go down as the greatest movie ever made.

Kane and Daniel Bryan will continue to be Kane and Daniel Bryan. That's all the insight I have on those guys.

Antonio Cesaro is going to hold the US Title forever, because he's the best, and nobody will ever beat him outside of Ryback who has beaten him like three times in non-title matches. Hasn't Ryback earned a title shot yet? Apparently not. They just like to delegitimize their champions, which is dumb. Shit, Miz will probably win this title by Wrestlemania. But that will just open up Cesaro for bigger and better things.

Dolph Ziggler will face Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania. Brock Lesnar will take on Triple H.

Alberto Del Rio will beat The Big Show at Elimination Chamber. Dolph Ziggler will not cash in his Money in the Bank.

Mark Henry will win the Elimination Chamber to face Del Rio at Wrestlemania. Del Rio will win, only to have Dolph Ziggler run out to cash in his Money in the Bank. Wrestlemania is full of "smart" wrestling fans, and they will give a huge pop for Ziggler when he comes out to win the title.

My final prediction is the worst possible idea I could come up with that the WWE would actually consider: After John Cena and friends beat The Shield at Elimination Chamber, they become convinced that Cena is right and they are wrong. Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns will begin to dress in bright colors and be known as Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect.