Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

Unlike most people, I have very few flaws.  If you have read this blog for a while, you are probably well aware of how I am awesome in just about every imaginable way.  And since I am so awesome, I actually realize the few flaws that I have.  Today seemed like a great day to expose one of those flaws to give both myself and the reader a deeper understanding of the sexy beast that is Hott Joe.

I understand that everybody enjoys a compliment.  It reminds you of how awesome you are, and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling inside.  Unfortunately, since I love me so much, it means that I love compliments way more than most normal people.

How is this harmful?  Well, it means that ladies have the ability to trick me.  Since I'm such a sucker for compliments, here is a possible exchange that could occur:

Me:  It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show on television.
Girl:  Yeah, I think it's kind of stupid.
Me:  No, you're stupid.  The show is brilliant.
Girl:  I disagree, but have I mentioned what a great jawline you have?
Me:  No, you haven't.
Girl:  It's really breathtaking.
Me:  It is.  What were we talking about before this?
Girl:  Um...
Me:  It doesn't matter, I like this topic more.

Yes, I would sell out my favorite TV show as long as a woman is willing to recognize how amazing I am.  But it's not just words that I am willing to overlook, I can look past appalling actions if ladies follow up properly.  Honestly, I could see a girl rip the head off a kid’s favorite teddy bear, throw dog shit inside and give it back to the kid, and then we’d have this exchange:

Me:  Why would you do that?
Girl;  I felt like it. By the way, you’ve got a GB.
Me:  What's a GB.
Girl:  Great body.
Me:  Why thank you. What were we talking about again? Who cares? Let's bump uglies.

And just like that, I'd be horizontal with this broad.  Yes, she was cruel to a child, but as long as she gets my mind thinking about my favorite subject, me, I can overlook these flaws.  Does this just show that I have a fragile ego?  Not at all, I just love me some me.  But here's one final scenario that shows that there are some lines you cannot cross:

Girl:  You are so amazing.  I didn't think a man as good looking as you could actually have the personality to match your undeniable hotness.
Me:  That's because I'm one of a kind.
Girl:  You are, and usually I would find it to be a turn-off when a gentleman couldn't just say thank you when given a compliment, but you're so amazing that it just adds to your charm.
Me:  This is an indisputable fact.
Girl:  I know a man as intelligent as you could not have any flaws, so I bet you hate Jose Canseco as much as I do.
Me (in an awe-inspiring rage):  Jose Canseco is a saint!  How dare you!  You're probably one of the people advising MLB to blackball him from the game that he loves.
Girl:  You're even hotter when you're angry.
Me:  Sorry babe, your nookie means nothing to me.
(A gentleman walks up)
Jose Canseco:  Hey Joe, what's going on with this girl?
Me:  Don't worry about it Jose.  I was just leaving.  Let's hit softballs and write another book.
Jose Canseco:  Yeah! (Epic high-five)

As you can see, there are certain lines you don't cross, and making fun of Jose Canseco, saying West Coast Dance is stupid, or arguing that babies are cuter than puppies are things I will never allow.  And yes, I realize my weakness for compliments is not an ideal quality to have.  But am I going to change?  No.  Because I'm a work of art, and although I'm not Mr. Perfect...

I'm still the closest thing to it.


P.S.  If anybody wants to go clubbing in Pawnee, hit me up.

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