Monday, February 28, 2011

Disney Chicks Are Pretty Hot

Before I begin this piece, I want to remind everyone to not judge me, because I know that I am not the only one guilty of this.  Also, let's get one thing straight, if you're pounding off to Disney shows, you're still a pervert.  I do not fall into that category, but I am a man who can appreciate beauty.  With that being said, let's dive into this topic.

Sometimes I get bored, and like most people, I will start flipping through the channels.  Lots of times I can’t find anything on, so eventually I come across The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.  Let’s go through my thoughts when this show comes on.

  1. I’m not going to watch a Disney show; I’m an adult.
  2. I see one of the girls on the show and think to myself that she’s kinda cute.
  3. I think more about it, and I start to realize that the girls on this show are not just cute, they’re actually kind of hot.
  4. Then I have one of two thoughts. 
    1. God, I wonder when she turns 18.
    2. God, I hope this chick is 18.
  5. I make the logical next step and go to IMDB to check it out.
  6. I say hell yes and give a fist pump as I learn that all the chicks are legal.
  7. I keep watching, and enjoy not just the ladies, but also the show’s puntastic ways.
Disney is brilliant in its casting.  Seriously, look at these chicks. 
Hot Blonde - 25 years old
Hot Asian - 22 years old

And this was not something new with the Suite Life, these are the same people that found Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and even Hilary Duff if you like them a little thick.  Let's be real here, on the celebrity scale, these girls are in the 5-6 range, but for normal people, they're like a 9, and I've been known to settle for a 9 every now and then.  

But what Disney does correctly when picking their actresses makes it all the more depressing with what another network does with their own casting.  I mean, look at the cast of Skins.
They are all ugly as sin, and I'm not just saying that so I don't look like a sexual predator since I heard many of them are minors (I refuse to research ugly people).  They are genuinely ugly people.  Even when they're adults, they're gonna be ugly.  None of them will play the hot chick in any movie.  How is it that Disney hires hot adult actresses for their kids show, yet MTV tries to appeal to the same people that watch Jersey Shore and hire kids that are heinous looking?  It doesn't make sense.

MTV, shame on you, I love high school drama, but your poor casting means nobody is going to watch your shitty show.  Why can't you just cast 30 year olds like the good ol' days?
There's no question that those are adults.
As angry as I am with MTV, mad props to you, Disney.

-Joe

P.S.  This story makes me so happy.  If you're reading this, and know who is responsible, thank him for me.  He is now one of my heroes.

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Most Overrated Prospects In Baseball: Part 2

Through my first year on the blog, what was the one thing that got overwhelmingly negative feedback?  Prospect analysis.  That's why I'm bringing it back this year bitches.  Luckily for the haters, undertaking an endeavor as large as analyzing all 100 of Baseball America's top prospects proved to be way too much work for a repeat performance.  So I figured I'd shorten up my work and give you the ten prospects that I think are overrated and the ten that are underrated.  If you missed part one, check it out here.

For clarity, I will list their name, position, organization, and the highest ranking I have seen them in a Top 100 list.

5. Desmond Jennings - OF - Rays - Highest Ranking: 6th
I like Desmond Jennings, but the people who talk about him being able to fill Carl Crawford’s shoes this year are out of their mind. This is a guy who should not be at the major league level to start this year. He simply needs more seasoning in the minors. He really struggled at Triple-A last year, and he needs time to refine his game. Now he did put up very good numbers before last year, but it seems like everyone wants to just completely forget about last season which is his most relevant year. I definitely think his talent level is above what he showed last year, but he has to prove that he’s still got it before I can consider putting him in the Top-20.

4. Dee Gordon - SS - Dodgers - Highest Ranking: 32nd
Dee Gordon is Tom "Flash" Gordon's son. That gives him more awesome points than anybody else on this list. He's another toolsy guy who really hasn't produced. He's shown some progress, but he's going to be 23 in April, so he's simply too old to be considered a top prospect. The word you hear people use to describe him is raw. And raw means potential, but he's getting past the age where he'll have time to turn raw tools into real baseball skills. I think he could still be an average shortstop in the majors, but I don't think the star potential is there.

3. Hank Conger - C - Angels - Highest Ranking: 33rd
This one hurts. I love Hank Conger, and it is based solely on this video:

Words fail to describe how awesome that video is.  I truly wish him nothing but the best. Unfortunately, I do not see him being a very good major league player. He's a below average defensive catcher, and his bat isn't that great. He's got good control of the strike zone, but he doesn't have enough power for pitchers to want to pitch around him. He played in a hitter's park last year and still didn't set the world on fire. I don't believe in Hank Conger, but more than anyone else, I hope he proves me wrong.

2. Yonder Alonso - 1B - Reds - Highest Ranking: 15th
Alonso is another first baseman that I just don’t believe in. He’s never really dominated at any level since college, and people still keep giving him passes as to why he hasn’t dominated. He did make the improvement of going from awful to just bad against left-handers, so I guess that is supposed to wow me. I understand he was the 7th overall pick a couple years ago, but he has never slugged .500 in the minors, and he isn’t slick with the glove. He could have a few Lyle Overbay type years, but that sentence really doesn’t excite me…at all. He may be the least sexy prospect in the minors.

1. Andrew Brackman - RP - Yankees - Highest Ranking: 60th
It's not so much that he's completely overrated, because he didn't make some of the Top 100 lists, but the fact that most people refer to the Yankees as having the Three B's irritates the hell out of me. Manny Banuelos could be a stud, Betances can be if he stays healthy, and then there is Andrew Brackman. For the positives on Andrew Brackman, let me see, he's, um...tall. He'll be turning 26 this year. I'm 26. He has never thrown above Double-A; I have never thrown above Double-A. Yet for some reason, I am not considered a top prospect. I still see Brackman's ceiling as a middle reliever. He's been on prospect lists forever, but it's time to realize that he's no longer a guy to dream on; he is what he is, and it isn't that special.

-Joe

P.S.  I'll admit that I am easily amused and influenced, but this video is awesome, and I will be rooting for Jorge Rivera this weekend:

But Jorge Rivera is quite awful at ping pong.  I'm not sure if he ever had a legal shot in that video.  And if you need another reason to root for Rivera, apparently Bisping got all pissy, so here is Rivera's even more awesomer apology video:

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Everything You Need To Know About i-Dosing

There is a new drug craze sweeping the nation, and I, for one, am excited as all hell about it.  It's called i-Dosing, and it's the act of taking digital drugs.  What are digital drugs?  I'm so glad you asked.  Here is a news report that should help better explain the phenomenon.

Yep, you just listen to music/sound/noise, and you get high.  I guess I understand this phenomenon.  Teenagers are always looking for ways to get messed up.  They used to huff paint, then they started chugging bottles of Robitussin, and now we have i-Dosing.  And although I never huffed paint or Robo-tripped, I felt like the world of Digital Drugs was something I needed to dive into. 

Obviously, taking drugs is extremely dangerous, and I took that very seriously.  Hence, I took the necessary precautions to ensure my safety.  As opposed to doing this alone, I made sure that my brother's dog, Ollie, was there to watch over me.  He was sleeping at the time, and he's only 18 pounds, but he does have a degree from Canine Craze, so I'm assuming that entailed at least some drug training.  As always, safety first.

So what was it like?

I have to admit, I only lasted a couple minutes before I cut my experiment short.  The noises were annoying; I'll give them that, but they had no affect on me.  On the other hand, I looked over and Ollie looked confused as all hell.  This may have been because it woke him up during his morning nap, or these digital drugs may have more affect on dogs.  Since I didn't have a waiver signed by Ollie for this experiment, I had to cut things short.  I would call my results inconclusive.

But could this be the future, and should we have seen this coming?  The answer to both of those questions is a resounding yes.  Since there is an artsy side to my rugged exterior, I am familiar with a futuristic documentary called Demolition Man.  It is about one of the world's great heroes, John Spartan, as he saves the world from the evil Simon Phoenix.  That's not what I want to focus on though; I want to focus on what sex looks like in the future.

Yep, this is basically exactly like digital drugs, only it's digital sex.  It's finding a way to alter our brain waves to stimulate the mind.  I wouldn't be so worried if this was the only sign that we are headed towards a Demolition Man future. Check out this scene for another look into our future.

And does anybody doubt that we are headed towards a future where Taco Bell is the only restaurant?  They are currently able to offer four times the steak of other restaurants.  The restaurant wars have begun, and my money isn't on Pizza Hut.  If all restaurants are knocked out besides Taco Bell, we have to do everything in our powers to kill Wesley Snipes Simon Phoenix.

I think John Spartan would agree that digital drugs are the lamest thing since sparkling vampires.  We don't want a future with digital sex; we are men who enjoy boning, aka the wild mamba, aka the hunka chunka.  I know you digital world pussies are concerned about being destroyed by Simon Phoenix, but don't worry, me and John Spartan will be around to pleasure your women and save the day.

-Joe

P.S.  West Coast Dance.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Why I Wear Exotic Underwear

I am a man of sophistication, a man who is ultra smooth, but today, I will demonstrate how I am a man of style.  While many men live drab lives and wear clothes that do nothing to hide that, I am the complete opposite.  I am exotic, erotic, and it makes the ladies neurotic.  

Nowhere is this more exemplified than in my choice of underwear.  Do I wear tighty-whities?  I'm in my pimpin' prime, so those simply will not do.  Do I wear boxers?  Come on, I'm a man, not a teenage boy.  I have two choices when it comes to underwear, boxer briefs or nothing at all.  I know the ladies are excited by the latter thought, and trust me ladies, it happens more than you imagine.  

But I am not here to talk about the times that I let my guy fly free.  I'm here to talk about those boxer brief times.  There are certain times where I keep it simple and wear underwear that simply gets the job done.  But when I'm ready to go out on the prowl; I make sure that my sex appeal is at its apex.  This cannot be done without the proper underwear.

Imagine being me.  I know you're all extremely excited at this proposition, but calm down and try to follow along.  There I am, at the bar, commiserating with the lady that tickles my fancy.  Since I am a master of seduction, we head somewhere private, probably back to her place since I doubt she is ready to experience the majesty of my air mattress.  

When we get to her bedroom, she's excited, and who can blame her?  I am probably the most amazing person she's ever met.  When I drop trou and reveal my underwear, she realizes that every arrogant statement I made through the night is absolutely true.  Every statement about how it is a privilege that I considered her for love-making that night.  Every statement about the vigorous love I am going to make on her are all indisputable facts.  
 
By that time, she’ll be so mentally convinced that it’s going to be great, you don’t even have to deliver physically (although being the quintessential male that I am; I like to deliver for the sport of it).

But exotic underwear isn't just beneficial in sexual conquests, it can be used in business as well.  Whether you're applying for a job or trying to close that big deal, exotic underwear could be the difference between close but no cigar and getting the damn thing done.

In the 21st century, women have gained positions of power, and although many might think this is ludicrous, I am extremely excited as it will be easy for me to use this to my advantage.  If a woman has gained a position of power, it probably means she's extremely professional and wants to be treated with the utmost respect.  Hence, she'll probably be wearing something like this.
Some men would be intimidated by this, but I know that she's going to love me.  I'm a sexy dude, and I have questionable morals, what's not to love?  So there I am in a private meeting with a female in charge.  It will be very difficult for her to not notice how good looking I am.  Although I look great dressed up, she may try to press her luck and want to see what I look like dressed down.  Now the pathetic losers out there that wear tighty-whities or ordinary boxers will get nervous when asked to strip down in the middle of a business meeting.  Me?  I'll just smile and give her the show of a lifetime.  

I could strip down and reveal my bright pink boxer briefs, letting her know that I'm a man of passion and extreme confidence.
Maybe it's my clover underwear, which will not only make her realize how lucky she is right now, but also the good fortune that will come her way if we get this deal closed today.
Finally, it could be my glow in the dark underwear, which signifies that even when times are at their darkest, I'll be the guiding light to show them the way.

Any of these (or any of my other pairs) will be exactly what is necessary to get the job done when I am asked to strip down in a business setting.  Although I have never actually been asked to strip down in a job interview or a meeting with another company, I am prepared for it, as well as any situation that may present itself.  

Exotic Underwear:  Perfect for the bedroom...and the boardroom.

-Joe

P.S.  Surprisingly, when you look up exotic underwear on Google, most results talk about ladies underwear.  I guess you learn something new everyday.

P.P.S.  Iowa completed yet another undefeated Duals season on Sunday at Minnesota.  Here is an awesome video that will awesome you to awesomeland:

Monday, February 21, 2011

Derrick Rose Is More Exciting Than Blake Griffin

I know that most NBA fans will find the title of this article blasphemous.  They'll think, "Blake Griffin is so cool.  He dunks it really hard.  That's excitement personified."  Okay, they probably wouldn't use the word personified, but you get the point.  Almost all NBA fans love Blake Griffin.  Now don't get me wrong, I think Blake's a great player, and I enjoy watching his hustle.  But as I watched a highlight video of him this year, I realized something:  He isn't that exciting.  If you want to watch, here it is for all to enjoy:
Imagine going to a Clippers game.  Blake Griffin would inevitably dunk, and you could say that you saw Blake Griffin dunk.  But if someone asked you to describe that dunk, you’d probably say that it was the one where he dunked it really hard, and that's about it.  It’s cool that he dunks, but it’s a dunk.  It’s fun, but dunkers come and go.  Let’s face it, unless you’re a hardcore fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, you probably don’t think about Thunder Doug Thomas very often.
On the other hand, Derrick Rose’s plays are timeless.  They make your jaw drop.  Plus, they’re fun as hell to describe.  You can actually show your friends what he did, which you can't do with a Blake Griffin dunk.  Now, will you do Rose's moves much slower and way more awkwardly?  Of course you will.  But you can position your friends as defenders, show your slow ass crossover move, spin past a third guy, and go in for an easy layup. Just so everyone has a visual, here's a random D-Rose highlight video.
If you compare their highlight videos, it’s not even close.  Blake Griffin’s is dunk, dunk, another dunk, an alley-oop dunk, a two handed dunk, a windmill dunk, another dunk, and a dunk.
Derrick Rose's highlights involve steals, blocks, assists, rebounds, lay-ups, spin moves, crossovers, broken ankles, ball fakes, and of course, dunks.

But the real beauty of Derrick Rose is not watching his highlights, it's watching everything he does.  Derrick Rose is not the most God-gifted point guard in the league, but he's definitely the most fun to watch.  John Wall is more athletic than Derrick Rose.  Chris Paul is more technically skilled than Derrick Rose.  Deron Williams is physically stronger than Derrick Rose.  And Rajon Rondo is a far bigger douchebag than Derrick Rose could ever be. 

But you can watch any game that the Bulls have played this season, and no matter the situation, you'll find your eyes drifting towards D-Rose.  Part of that is that he's really learned to hustle on both ends of the floor, but part of it is something else.  When the Bulls need a boost, Derrick Rose has the killer instinct to do everything that is humanly possible to take over a game.  It doesn’t always work.  Otherwise the Bulls would be undefeated.  But it is one of the most exciting things to ever see a basketball player do.  As much as we all want to find that instinct in any of our favorite players, it’s an extremely rare thing for someone to have.  There are guys who can turn it on, but a guy who is able to bring it every single night is so special that you'll only see it once in a decade..  In the 80s, it was Bird.  In the 90s, it was Jordan.  It the 00s, it was Kobe.  Now, I’m certainly not ready to hand over the 10s to Derrick Rose in February of 2011, but he’s definitely the favorite.
Listen, Blake Griffin is an incredibly talented player.  He is already one of the most popular players in the NBA.  But he’ll never be the best, and if you actually enjoy watching the game of basketball, he’ll never be the most exciting either.  I’m not ready to crown D-Rose as the best player in the NBA, but he’s got that killer instinct that is rare to see, and nearly impossible to beat.  Because of that, there’s no one I’d rather watch play the game. 

-Joe

P.S.  Even though I was not able to weave it into my post, I wanted to mention the admiration that Kobe has shown for Derrick Rose this year.  As skilled as Rose is, Kobe's admiration is because he sees his own killer instinct when he sees Rose.  I know a lot of people hate Kobe, but there is nobody who wants to win more than him...except for maybe Derrick Rose.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Most Overrated Prospects In Baseball: Part 1

Through my first year on the blog, what was the one thing that got overwhelmingly negative feedback?  Prospect analysis.  That's why I'm bringing it back this year bitches.  Luckily for the haters, undertaking an endeavor as large as analyzing all 100 of Baseball America's top prospects proved to be way too much work for a repeat performance.  So I figured I'd shorten up my work and give you the ten prospects that I think are overrated and the ten that are underrated.  I'll start with the overrated, because it's fun to depress fans of certain teams and it's so much easier to hate than it is to love (Poetic, I know).

For clarity, I will list their name, position, organization, and the highest ranking I have seen them in a Top 100 list.

10.  Jonathan Singleton - 1B - Phillies - Highest Ranking:  11th
This one could end up making me look like a jackass, I'll admit that.  I don't have a ton of confidence from what I have read from scouting reports, and his numbers were rather impressive.  But this is a gut feeling.  He absolutely crushed the ball the first half of the year in Low-A, but then was pretty awful in the second half.  Most people have said that he just wasn't ready for the grind of a minor league season.  For his sake, I hope that's the case.  But I'm a big believer in that if you are a first base prospect, you need to crush the ball, and never stop crushing the ball, because anybody can play first base, but you really can't play anywhere else.

9.  Mike Minor - SP - Braves - Highest Ranking:  11
Minor was seen as an overdraft when the Braves took him in the top 10 in the draft a couple years ago.  Then he decided to add a few MPH on his pitches, and people got really excited.  For good reason, things that go fast are way cooler than things that go slow.  Plus, he struck out over a batter per inning in the minors, so that's another reason to think he's really groovy.  Shit, I'm starting to like him more and more.  Anyway, his pitches aren't that good, so he's not somebody who should be a top 20 prospect.

8.  Jose Iglesias - SS - Red Sox - Highest Ranking:  29th
It's not so much that I hate Jose Iglesias, it's that I hate the idea of Jose Iglesias.  There is always a Jose Iglesias rated too high on prospect lists.  Before him, it was Alcides Escobar (last year's most overrated prospect), and before that it was Chin-lung Hu.  It goes on and on way back to year 33 when Jesus ranked Judas way too high on his disciple list (To be fair, Judas had character concerns on top of questions about his bat).  They are the guys who are amazing fielders, but can't hit.  People dream, and say if they can just be an average hitter, they'll be a winning player for a team.  But guess what.  It's really tough to hit major league pitching.  These guys with no pop but good control of the strike zone just get overpowered as they move up to higher levels.  If Iglesias reaches his ceiling, he becomes an average hitter and a great defender at shortstop.  What is that worth?  I don't know, and neither does anybody else, because as much progress that has been made in valuing defensive contributions, there's still a lot of question marks.  There is no way this is a Top-50 Prospect.

7.  Matt Dominguez - 3B - Marlins - Highest Ranking:  21st
He is exactly like Jose Iglesias, except he's not a good enough defender to play shorstop, so he's just a really good defensive third baseman, hence way less valuable.  He hits better than a shortstop, but if everything pans out, he'll be an average hitter at a position where you need an above average bat.  Pass.

6.  Aaron Hicks - CF - Twins - Highest Ranking:  10th
I like toolsy prospects, so Hicks is a tough guy to hate on, but it is a necessity.  Everybody's got him fairly high, but I think 10th is absolutely ridiculous.  He still has a ridiculously high ceiling, but he had his second year at Low-A and still didn't come close to dominating the level.  I mean, he was solid, but for a guy that are expecting such big things from, he certainly stand out.  If he actualizes the tools, he could be great, but I don't see that happening, and at best, he's about 50 spots too high.

And that's all for today, but I'll be back next week for 5-1 of the most overrated prospects in the game.

-Joe

P.S.  This may be old, and Deadspin may have already posted it this week, and Valentine's Day may be over, but Delonte West on love is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Let's Face It, Jersey Shore Sucks

I think everyone is in agreeance on this, this season of Jersey Shore sucks.  It has very few redeemable qualities.  I wish it was going to be canceled after this season, but they are moving to Italy, which is going to be just as terrible.  To look at why this show has passed its point of relevance, let's rank the top ten characters from first to worst.

1.  Fake Ronnie - He's great.  We all love Fake Ronnie.  Not only is Fake Ronnie always down for a good time, he let a lady enter him in the only way that is acceptable.

2.  Pauly D - Really, it's tough to have any complaints with Pauly D.  He's just a fun-loving guy who everybody likes.  Hell, his stalker even forgave him.

3.  The Situation - The biggest issue I have with Mike is that there hasn't been enough of him.  He has become very aware of his public persona so he's hanging back so he doesn't ruin future opportunities in the real world.  The guy is banking $5 million a year, it's tough to hold this against him.

4.  Snooki - Snooki got amazingly drunk during the day and got arrested.  When she recovered, she swore off drinking, during the daytime.  Although my love of tailgating prohibits me from giving up day drinking, I'm still proud that she didn't make the ridiculous claim that she was done drinking.  She's a guidette; she keeps it real.

5.  Ronnie - Ronnie has been worthless this entire season, that is, up until the last episode.  His freak out of breaking Sammi's shit and throwing it all outside was great television.  As Ronnie has said before, keeping it real is what he's all about.

6.  J-Woww - J-Woww plays the straight-broad for Snooki.  She had an emotional breakdown when she found out her ex-boyfriend took her hard drive.  Um, I'll admit I'd be bummed if someone stole my hard drive, but it probably wouldn't cause an emotional breakdown.

7.  Roger - It's tough to put him any higher when all he says is "Dur" with occasional chuckles, but he managed to get a lot more screen time than I would have expected, so good for him.

8.  Sammi - She was the reason Ronnie was worthless, but luckily she redeemed herself by leaving the show.  Thanks Sammi.

9.  Vinny - A lot of people like Vinny; I am not one of them.  Vinny has confused fame with game.  He does not get women because of game, he gets them because he is famous, yet he has no idea, and thinks he's a ladies man.  This really grates on me.  Everything Vinny does is him trying to be cool, but he isn't, and he never will be, so I would prefer to never see him on the show.

10.  Deena - Ah, Deena.  Deena is the worst.  Some would argue that she has brought so much to the show, and she's such an upgrade from Angelina.  Both of these claims are wrong.  She hasn't brought jackshit to the show, and I'd much rather have Angelina stirring up trouble than Deena trying to make catchphrases stick.  Deena has one goal, and that is to commercialize herself.  She is not a person, she's not even a character, she's a caricature of what she believes a reality person should be.

Most reality stars are trying to commercialize themselves, but they at least play the game that this is really how they would act and react in these situations.  Deena is completely pre-planned.  She's not even giving us the illusion that she is showing who she actually is as a person. To illustrate my point, I present to you three things that were completely pre-planned phrases that she was hoping to cash in on.

A.  You saw my nahnah - She said this after "accidentally" showing The Situation her vagina.  I still don’t understand her excuse.  She couldn’t tell that she took her underwear off.  I am extremely aware of anything that touches my genitals, and when nothing is touching it, I take note of that too.  Did she shoot Novocain into her entire groin area to numb the herpes?  This is the only acceptable explanation.

B.  I'm like a walking holiday - If Deena were a holiday, what holiday would she be?  Does gonorrhea have a holiday?  If so, I'm picking that.

C.  I'm a blast in a glass - I have heard this line approximately 6,327 times this season, and it was never catchy, and certainly never clever.  Like most things she says, it really doesn't make sense.  She's not in a glass, and she doesn't carry fireworks, so neither half of this saying is true for her.  Yet, she wants to market this saying more than any of the others. 

Deena is the worst.  Anyone who supports her sayings deserves to be hit by a train.  And yes, I'll be watching Jersey Shore tonight.

-Joe

P.S.  Favorite line from that Real World commercial, "She loves that I'm a bad boy, and once she finds out I was in juvy, she's just oging to like me even more."  Wait, what?  If somebody was trying to act hard by saying they were in juvy, I might cry from excessive laughter.  I didn't know a single person who didn't do enough illegal activity to land in juvy, but I also don't know anybody in it, because we weren't stupid enough to get caught.  An adult bragging about being in juvy is equivalent to bragging about getting AIDS.  Yes, you had sex, but you didn't exactly excel in your endeavor.

P.P.S.  Let's end on a happy note, and nothing is happier than Derrick Rose clips.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Five Dumbest Groups On Facebook

There are some questions that should never be asked.  One of those questions is why I thought of this post and how I found these groups.  Once you get over that question, you can then enjoy what I am going to present to you, because these groups are awe-inspiring.  To be eligible for this list, I must first have no idea how someone could come up with the concept.  After that, I have to be completely baffled on how people would actually find this group.

5.  girls get periods,pregnancy and pain & boys get food,football and females.
At first I thought this was anti-females, but it turns out that this is actually supposed to support the cause of females.  Look at their logo:
I'm baffled by this.  How is this supposed to be good for females?  And why would anyone join this group?  Yet, I look at this group and see nearly 500,000 likes for this group.  I already feel like driving my head through a wall.  Let's move on.

4.  Guns don't kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do
Um, ah, what?  I really thought that this group was dedicated to some news story that I never heard or cared about where a jealous father killed her daughter's boyfriend for fingerblasting her in the back of his Mom's Civic.  I have seen no evidence of this.  I'm pretty sure that this group was just started, because some loser started dating a girl who he thought was pretty (Due to the stupidity of this group, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that instead of describing her as pretty, I would describe her as beastly), and her Dad broke up the relationship.   Slowly but surely, this group gained momentum, and it is now over a HALF MILLION likes.  This has no basis in reality, and yet we are still over halfway to a million likes on this group.  God damnit, we are devolving as a society, and it seems to be happening at a rapid pace.

3.  ANY DICK CAN MAKE A BABY BUT IT TAKES A MAN TO BE A DADDY
Good God, is this really a necessary group to make?  I realize it's trying to be clever, but it doesn't make any logical sense.   You need balls to make a baby, as balls are a key component in making a baby.  Another key component to baby making:  A female.  I have never heard of any dick being able to produce a baby out of the blue.  The closest was the hit documentary, Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I never actually saw this movie, but I'm assuming it's comedy gold.  But it really bothers me that people actually find this group and feel it necessary to join it.  Oh well, I'm sure not that many people would feel the urge to join this group, oh fuck me, over 1.1 MILLION people like this group.

2.  ONLY JOIN if your name starts with A, C, D, F, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, S, T
More than any other group on this list, this is the one that makes me scream, "WHY?"  Why would you create this group?  What is this group's goal?  I have looked at this group, studies it, comprehended every possible meaning, and I cannot come up with any meaning to this group.  Why are the last six letters of the alphabet completely banned from this group?  I thought I had something when I started with skip a consonant, then skip a vowel, and go back and forth, but it falls apart when P, Q, and R are all skipped.  Don't try to figure out this group; it will only give you a headache.  But do you know how many people wanted to Like this headache?  Society is completely fucked as this group has nearly 1.3 MILLION likes on Facebook.  I seriously have no clue what motivates people these days. 


1.  I Believe That a Strong Relationship Is Not Based Only on Sex Life but That a Strong Relationship Builds a Strong Love Life That Leads to a Strong and Great Sex Life and Can Only Happen With Open Communication
Wow, this is truly the humdinger of all groups.  It is so ultra specific that there is no way possible for more than person to have this specific of a thought.  I mean, this specificity is literally blowing me away with its uncanny effort to be completely fucking pointless.  Looking at this group, there are two types of people that would come up with this group:
1.  A Virgin - He's never had sex and feels like he needs emotional love before he can give his flower up to someone.
2.  Guy With A Small Penis - This guy may have gotten laid, but let's just say, she wasn't impressed.  The person who created this group seems like he'd be into massively obese women, and he's just got to learn that you don't bring a paddleboat to the ocean bro.  His ultimate revenge was the creation of this group.  Nice job bud, you totally owned her.
With how ultra specific this group is, there is really no way that it isn't the least popular, but since I found it, you must figure that it must have at least 100 people in it.  It does have 100, it even has 1000, in fact, it has somehow managed to be at nearly 200,000 likes.  Maybe it's time I perform a self-lobotomy just so I am able to communicate through unintelligble sounds and drooling like the rest of society.


-Joe


P.S.  MC Vagina has a new song, it's incredibly lewd, which makes it amazing as always.  I'm still not sure if WMD or HIV is my favorite acronym:

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

West Coast Dance Can Be Dangerous

I headed back to my hometown this past weekend as I head many chums back in town to participate in the annual Snowbird Softball Tournament.  I did not participate.  Some would say that this is because I am awful at softball.  And honestly, I'd have to agree.  I've played in three tournaments and only won two of them, so I think it might qualify as the thing that I am the worst at.

After a night of heavy drinking on Friday, a couple buddies and I woke up early to grab breakfast before the first game at 10 AM.  Since the first game was at 10 AM, that meant drinking started at 10 AM.  Unfortunately, the team was unable to get drunk fast enough and they are awful softball players when sober.

The rest of the day rotated between playing softball and heading to a bar where we purchased a keg so we could all get plenty intoxicated.  They won their next two games before losing their fourth and final game when they ran up against a team that had avoided vagina at all costs in order to focus on their softball skills.  They may have won the softball game, but they got blown out in the game of life.

Once the team was eliminated from the tournament, everyone went from get drunk mode to get blacked out drunk mode.  The beer was flowing like the mighty Mississippi River and good times were had by all.

Around 1 AM, 15 hours into our drinkathon, a friend and I decided that it was time to cross the river so we could have an extra hour of drinking...and an extra hour of dancing, because I was at that very special point in my intoxication where West Coast Dance was not only possible, but inevitable.  I called a female and sang to her, "I'm Hott Joe, you know me," and she immediately agreed to drive us across the river.  As I've stated before, LL Hott J, Ladies Love Hott Joe.

My buddy and I got into a dance off, and this is definitely a moment of browning out.  I know that I blew him away in the dance off, but I am not sure of any of the moves that I performed (a common occurrence in West Coast Dance).  I then proceeded to blow everyone off the dance floor.  My female escort was so impressed with my moves that she tried to stay off the dance floor, because she just wanted to lean back and enjoy the show.  It was a special performance where I was hitting every single one of my moves to perfection.

Unfortunately, yet completely unsurprisingly, my sexual magnetism was too much, so a couple random broads were screaming at me to stop.  My moves got them so hot that they wanted to fight me in order to avoid exploding in ecstasy right there on the dance floor.  I informed them that trying to stop West Coast Dance is laughable, it's not even something you can contain.  Once it's turned on, it's ON.  When they realized that there was nothing they could do, I'm pretty sure they ran to the bathroom to clean themselves up.  It's probably for the best, because I believe my escort for that evening would have fought them for trying to stop my amazing dance moves.

I wanted to share this story as a warning to those aspiring West Coast Dancers all over the world.  It's an extremely powerful thing, and the ability to harness its power is something that must be developed over time.  Once you get to the level that I and only a select few are on, no amount of alcohol will slow it down, because you reach a state where inebriation no longer hinders your movements, it only enhances your enjoyment.

So, remember kids, don't try this at home, try it at the club, and let the ladies cum to you.

-Joe

P.S.  Don't be fooled by impostors.  This is not West Coast DanceNeither is this.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Dumbest Customers I Helped In 14 Hours - Part Three

As I stated before, in just 14 hours of work, I ran into enough morons to make a three part series of the dumbest people I ran into during my time of employment.  Today is the final installment of those idiots, and these people blow the first two groups out of the water when it comes to stupidity.  The scary thing about the stupidity of these people is they actually researched things before making a really bad decision.  These are the kinds of people that make me worry about the future of society.

So about a half dozen jabronis, age 18-20 come strolling into the store, and the leader of these morons asks where we keep the liver pills.  Since I was new to the supplement game, I had no idea why kids this young would need liver pills, unless they were the most hardcore alcoholics of all time (that would have been awesome).  The guy I was working with did know why they were asking for liver pills, it's because they planned on using prohormones. 

What are prohormones you ask?  Prohormones are bad news.  The simplest way to sum them up is to say that they are like steroids, except they have half the benefits and twice the side effects.  Let's face it, most young adults aren't looking to get big and strong so they can fulfill their lifelong dream of working for a moving company, they're trying to get big to impress girls.  With that in mind, let's break down some of the side effects of taking prohormones:

1.  Baldness - Losing your hair in your 20s is not the best way to impress women. This would be enough for me to not use this product, but since people who are willing to use prohormones are morons, they'll reason that they can just shave their head.

2.  Acne - This hurts morons a little bit more, because they really want to take their shirts off at any opportunity (nothing wrong with that), but acne will kind of ruin their angle.  Still, it's acne, so their plan will probably be to double up on their Proactiv or start wearing makeup (I have this weird feeling that dudes wearing makeup is done more often than I would think; that worries me).

3.  Tits - How could tits be a side effect?  Tits are awesome.  I totally agree with you there, but with the increase in testosterone that prohormones create, your body will start to produce more estrogen, and you will grow breasts, not pecs, breasts.  Again morons can reason that they'll be so jacked that the breasts will just look like very developed pectorals, either that, or they'll be able jerk off looking at their own tits.

4.  Loss of libido - But that's the problem with their last plan.  It's extremely difficult to jerk off when you can't get boned up.  When you use products to boost your testosterone while you're in a stage where your body is producing plenty of testosterone on its own, your body will stop producing testosterone since it will naturally want to regulate the testosterone levels.  If your body gets used to not producing natural testosterone, you aren't going to feel anything downstairs when you lay with a woman.  So have fun picking up chicks, but I feel like achieving your goal will be hard (Get it?  Because their dick can't get hard.  I'm a master punsman).

After going through all of these side effects, one of them seriously responded with, "So you don't think we should get the liver pills."  For fuck's sake man, we aren't saying to not get liver pills, we're saying to not get prohormones.  They ended up buying the liver pills while saying that they weren't sure if they were going to use prohormones, but it's good to have a healthy liver either way.  Fucking morons.

So feel free to take prohormones, they'll probably turn you into a ripped machine.  A ripped machine that's bald, with horrible acne, bitch tits, and a soft dick, but a ripped machine nonetheless.  And hey, if there's a bunch of guys with rock hard bodies in every place but the one that matters, that makes picking up chicks all the easier for me. 

-Joe

P.S.  There are also mood swings and infertility.  I felt the former wasn't worth mentioning, and I felt the latter didn't matter as much if they couldn't get boned up in the first place.

P.P.S.  I'm somebody who just wears shorts when I go to the gym, because I like my legs to feel free.  This causes mild discomfort as I walk to and from my car but is usually not a big deal.  That is, unless my car won't start when leaving the gym.  Then the walk home becomes a very miserable experience.  I will now keep a spare pair of pants in my trunk.

Monday, February 7, 2011

A True Love Story - How To Find The Perfect Thoroughbred Dimepiece

When it comes to picking up women, I have a problem.  Oh no, not an actual problem getting women, as I have demonstrated my prowess with women here, here, and here.  There are many great temporary ladies out there, but it is extremely difficult to find a long-term lady that can live up to my standards and satisfy my needs.  

Now it's plain as day that I am a good great looking guy.  Blind chicks can see that.  But the problem that I have is that society has set up regulations to make me hide my amazing body.  As great as my face is, my body is at least on the same level, and may even have a slight edge.  Trust me, whatever you're picturing right now, it's better.  Every morning, I thank the good lord when I look in the mirror and have the privilege to see excellence personified. 

Although I can't completely confirm this story, I do believe that one lady lucky enough to lay with me stared a little too long and her face began to melt like I was the Arc of the Covenant.  I was drunk, and the room was spinning, but I am 30% sure this happened.

But you get the point.  When I pop my shirt off, I am on another level of great looking human beings.  Trying to find a girl who can actually be on my level, both mentally and physically, is a Herculean task.  But note how I mentioned the mental part.  Luckily, I have brains to go with this incredible body, and because of that, I have come up with a flawless plan to find the perfect thoroughbred dimepiece.  

My big issue is that I need a place where I can show off my bodacious bod.  But I can't just go to some beach, because it will be filled with classless sluts.  I need to find myself a classy lady.  So here's my idea:  Beach Wedding.  You get a beautiful beach wedding, hotties all over the place, make sure there's plenty of booze, and let the good times roll.
But how am I going to con one of my buddies into having a beach wedding?  I'll admit, convincing a buddy to turn his wedding day into a meat market would be a hard sell, even for me.  Plus, there would be no guarantee that any of them could load it up with enough thoroughbred dimepieces for my satisfaction.  This is where the genius of my plan really begins to shine through, because this beach wedding will actually be my wedding.  Let's break it down.

STEP 1 - Find A Bride
Before I do anything else, I need to find a bride.  I can't just marry any old lady and have a beach wedding with her for the sole purpose of showing off my body.  The plan depends on me finding a certifiable hottie for this.  I need an intelligent gal for this plan, so ideally, I'll find a girl with the looks of Jessica Alba and the brains of Albert Einstein, only hotter and smarter.  

Although I am usually against it, I will be completely honest with this girl about my plan.  This beach wedding will be mutually beneficial as it doesn't just give me a chance to show off my goods, but also will give my bride a chance to show off hers.  She may reason that she could show off her stuff by wearing a skimpy outfit to the club.  But when girls go skimpy at the clubs, they do not attract quality men like myself, they attract brutes and morons.  If we have a wedding, her and her hottie friends will be able to show off their stuff while maintaining a classy image and land a classy guy.

STEP 2 - Scout For Talent
This plan only works with two charismatic personalities.  I will be in charge of supplying this wedding with good looking eligible bachelors, and she will be in charge of finding an plethora of hotties looking for a good time.  We get as many attractive people as possible so the options are out of control.  Combining our efforts, we should be able to create the world's sexiest wedding. 

STEP 3 - Wedding Day

As many of you know, I am kind of a wedding expert.  We get the wedding done as quickly as possible, because this reception will be the party of the century.  My bride looks great, I look amazing, and everybody's focus is right where it should be, on us.  Let's face it, ladies love married dudes, and combined with my being shirtless, it will be plain for all the ladies to see that I am the quintessential male. 

To make this look legit, we will go through all the steps to make it like a real marriage, even stuffing the cake in each other’s faces.  This is where things get interesting.  Pretty soon, my bride and I are feeling pretty buzzed.  We're laughing and making jokes about being married until I casually drop a line about how we should check out the Honeymoon Suite.  She agrees, and once we make it up there, I make vigorous love on her.  When she finds out what a durable lover I am, she’ll realize I am the embodiment of perfection.  

You see, my plan was never so simple that I was just going to get intoxicated and make love on whatever women tickled my fancy.  I found the right woman right away, and I never had to wine and dine her, because we skipped right to the wedding.  I may be superficial, but I figure she’ll do for the next ten years, you know, until she starts showing the signs of aging.  Then it'll be time for her to hit the curb.  Tough break for her, but even after those ten years, I’ll still be a ripped machine, so I can easily repeat the process.   

Now that’s a true love story.

-Joe

P.S.  Yes, I realize this idea could be turned into a romantic comedy.

P.P.S.  Dave Bing may be the most polite mayor in the USA, but I really hope he changes his stance on this issue:
Mayor Dave Bing
@ There are not any plans to erect a statue to Robocop. Thank you for the suggestion.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Walker Hayes's "Pants"

This is seriously what Walker Hayes looks like.

So when I first heard this song, I immediately got pissed.  With each successive listen, it has angered me more and more until I finally decided that I would show that song what's up by writing a scathing review on my blog.  My goal is not to get this song eliminated from the radio, but to make the people who listen to it, and have even the slightest inkling of acceptance for it, to feel nothing but shame and disgust with themselves.

For those of you who haven't heard this song, you're lucky.  For anyone who wants to suffer, here it is:

So, yeah, it sucks, but it's far to easy to definitively say that it sucks.  Together, I want us all to learn how badly it sucks, so let's break this down.

Well I've been a strong-willed son of a gun
Ever since I was suckin' my thumb 
He wants you to believe that he is past his thumb-sucking stage.  I'm guessing he has actually evolved.  Instead of sucking on his thumb, he's moved onto sucking something else.  It involves another guy, and I'll leave it at that.

But push came to shove
When I fell in love with my baby
Yeah my baby
God, this guy is such a wuss.

Well you could say she's overbearing
Meaning she's a bitch.

Matter fact she picked out the clothes that I'm wearing
Meaning you're a bitch.

And I can't go fishing
Without her permission
But I ain't complaining
We've got an arrangement
I stopped here, and I thought.  I thought deeply.  I looked within myself to see what arrangement it would take for this woman to have to give me permission to do something that I loved (Since I'm a man's man, I love watching violence, whether it be violent movies like Commando or Road House, or violent sports like football or MMA).  I imagined the hottest woman in the world offering me her body in any way that I wanted in exchange for a violence free week from me.  I decided it would not be worth it.  Even if I had no game, and this was my best chance at hot box, I would still not trade in my love of violence.  You know why?  Because I am a man.  Anything less would be uncivilized.

She can wear the pants
She can run the show
She can crack a whip
Like Indiana Jones
This clown apparently likes dominatrix shit.  This guy is such a jabroni.

She can rule the roost
She can snap and holler
She can wear the pants
Long as I can take 'em off her
Long as I can take 'em off her
Think about how sad this is.  No, really, think long and hard about it.  This man is so desperate for sex that he is willing to pretty much give up everything that makes him a man just to get in this broad's pants.  This is a man who is so pathetic and stupid that she could probably convince him that castration was a good idea.  Honestly, I hope this is based on a true story; I hope that woman reads this blog, and I hope that woman listens to me.  This world's already got too many pussies around, so we need to make sure that this man is not allowed to procreate. 

At this point, I got too tired of even reading through the lyrics of the song.  I glanced, and it never led to him showing her that he had any semblance of manhood in him

But as I stated earlier, this post is not about getting this song erased from society as I know it is too late for that.  It is strictly to spread the word that no real man can enjoy this song.  Honestly, no real woman should enjoy this song, because no real broad wants a pussy, she wants a real man, and this song encourages the extinction of the real man. 

If you listen to this song and enjoy it, you are a pussy.  There’s no reason to sugarcoat it, you’re a pussy, what are you going to do about it?  Try to wear me out with feelings?  Guess what?  There’s only one feeling that matters, and that's pain.  The manliest feeling of all.

-Joe

P.S.  For anybody who watched the UFC card this weekend, I'm sure we're all in agreement that Anderson Silva's punt of Vitor Belfort's face was awesome.  How could anyone learn such an awesome move?  That's a stupid question, because the answer is so obviously Steven Seagal.  Seriously.

P.P.S.  And everyone's in agreement about what the best Super Bowl Commercial was, right?  Let's face it, nobody stood a chance when The Rock agreed to star opposite Vin Diesel for Fast Five.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Mustaine: A Heavy Metal Book Review

I am a fan of heavy metal music.  It is the ideal music to listen to when going out for a run, because it's fast, hard, and most songs talk about killing and pain.  There's no better way to keep yourself pumped up while getting your run on.  Dave Mustaine is the lead singer of Megadeth, and I'll admit that I'm a fan of their work.  Not an avid fan, but I can enjoy their music under the right circumstances.  

Going into this, I knew a book about Dave Mustaine is going to rock.  Back in the day, people called Metallica "Alcoholica" for how hard they partied.  Dave Mustaine got kicked out of Metallica for partying too hard.  That is when you know you are a badass.  

I have decided to include some of my favorite quotes from the book which should be all the evidence you need that this is a book you need to read.  

“You go to Salt Lake City, the pristine capital of the most morally upright of states, and discover there’s a reason the rock stars call it Salt Lick City.”
I never thought I'd say this, but who wants to go party with me in Salt Lake City?

“Pretty soon you’re trying to decide which of the proverbial bulls you want to be:  the one that charges down the hill, full speed, and fucks the first cow he meets, or the one who saunters down the hill slowly and fucks them all.”
If I ever give a speech for a wedding, engagement, or even a Baptism, I am going to try my hardest to work this quote in there.  I might even get back in Big Brothers Big Sisters just so I can share this advice with an impressionable youngster.

Dave Mustaine paid his guitar player to go to AA meetings for him.
This actually led to Megadeth's guitar player getting sober.  Meanwhile, Dave Mustaine had approximately 1300 visits to rehab before finally cleaning up his act a couple years ago.

"I enjoyed the party, but I also liked the sex, and the power that came with it.  For me, standing up onstage, with a sea of guys chanting my name and their girlfriends eager to take off their clothes for me, was the ultimate vindication." 
This is totally how I feel about blogging.  This just confirms my suspicion that there's really not much of a difference between writing a blog and being a rock star. 
 
“He likes to pour A1 steak sauce on my pussy before giving me head.”
I've tried A1 on a lot of things, and I think this settles the debate:  There is nothing that A1 does not make better.

Overall, Mustaine is honest in his opinions on everything.  Do they mostly lean towards him being right?  Of course they do.  Does it make Metallica look like assholes?  Of course it does, but that’s honestly what he believes (and wouldn’t surprise me if that was entirely true).  Does it even get a little preachy towards the end when he speaks of finding God?  Yeah, that part doesn't come across as very metal, but at least he's honest and not putting up a front to look cooler (Because, let's face it, Christianity has never won anybody any cool points) and the honesty of his thoughts is what makes this book an enjoyable read.  

I'd give this book a 9, but that's on a scale of 11, because this book is about metal.
-Joe

P.S.  Although Dave Mustaine is as metal as it gets, Ryan Pickett and those nancies on the Packers are as unmetal as it gets since he and some of his buddies in the NFL are on an anti-porn crusade.  That's right, anti-porn.  Just another reason to hate Green Bay.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Yes, I Realize There Is Weather Outside

Wait!  What?  There's weather outside?  Holy shit!  Thanks for the update.

Searching through my Facebook news feed, it became abundantly clear that people love to talk about the weather.  Does anyone think they're breaking news here?  Because they're not.  If you don't have anything to talk about but the weather, there's really no need to talk.

I understand my Mom telling me about the weather, as she worries about me as if I were still a child.  With where I am professionally, I don't have a strong argument against that. 

But to post this as your status that you feel the world needs to know about, well, I guess I just don't see the point.  Here are the three most common weather related posts I have seen the last couple days:

Status:  Look at all the snow outside.
Ideal Reaction:  Um, okay.  I have seen the snow outside.  Now what? 
Analysis:  This is definitely a status for people who are just desperate to see their voice out in the world.  I wish I had more to add, but it's just kind of sad.

Status:  It's snowing sideways, I can't believe it.
Ideal Reaction:  They're right.  It is snowing sideways.
Analysis:  Really?  You can't believe it's snowing sideways?  Do you know what it takes for it to snow sideways?  Snow and wind.  I have a lot of trouble believing that you find it unfathomable that it could be both snowing and blowing outside.  These people are slightly more exciting than the first group, but it's the difference between watching paint dry and water boil.

Status:  I ain't scurd of the death storm.
Ideal Reaction:  What a badass.
Analysis:  At least this person tried.  But if someone feels the need to tell me they aren't afraid of the weather, I guess my reaction would be, "Um, I never said you were."  I think we're past the point of being afraid of the weather.  With advanced technology, we can keep ourselves entertained for quite a while.  Even if the electricity goes out, most people have laptops that can provide an extra 2-3 hours of entertainment.  They have cell phones so they can call people and tell them how unscared of the weather they are.  And, almost everyone with Facebook is literate, so the worst case scenario would be reading a book.  So, I don't really feel it is necessary to proclaim my non-fear of weather.

So should people completely avoid putting up a status about the weather?  No, because if you can show some creativity with your status, it can work to everyone's benefit.  Here are three simple ideas that it took me about 30 seconds to think up:
Status:  Two feet of snow, looks like I can't let my guy hang low today.
Analysis:  It's a big dick joke, and big dick jokes never go out of style.

The next one is great for anyone with a puppy or baby:
Status:  With all that snow outside, this would be a great day for potty training.  Today's the day my girlfriend finally learns to put the seat down herself.
Analysis:  You see what I did there?  You thought I was talking about the baby/puppy, but in fact, I switched it up and talked about the significant other.  The switcheroo is demeaning to your mate, but hilarious to your friends.  And don't worry ladies, you can use it too, just substitute the seat and say you're helping him work on his aim.

And we'll end it with another timeless status.
Status:  Just pooped in my neighbor's yard, I hope their kids try to make a snowman today.
Analysis:  Because the kids would be playing with your poop, and that shit's funny (get it?).  There is no need to overthink this one, Poop...Is....Funny.

-Joe

P.S.  An excellent article about the man behind the man (And yes, when I refer to the man, I am speaking of Jose Canseco).

P.P.S.  If you feel like being saying, "Wow," a whole lot, watch this highlight video of Jadeveon Clowney, the top high school football recruit in the nation:

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Dumbest Customers I Helped In 14 Hours - Part Two

As I stated before, in just 14 hours of work, I ran into enough morons to make a three part series of the dumbest people I ran into during my time of employment.  Today's dumbass may be the most hilariously stupid of them all, but since he's rather harmless, he doesn't earn the right to close out the series.  I'm not sure whether I should classify this man as pathetic, a douchebag, or a pathetic douchebag.  I'm leaning towards number three, but I'll need to break it down further to be sure.

So this fella, probably in his mid-late 50s comes into the store looking for protein.  This could have been a normal transaction where I showed him protein, waxed poetically about their benefits, and sent him on his way with a tub of it.  Instead, it turned into so much more.

So we start talking about what he does for working out.  I had a job for three days, and I already hated this part of it.  Everyone wants to brag, because everyone thinks they work harder in the gym than anybody in human history.  So this guy gets going about how he works out for two hours, six times a week.  If you work out for 12 hours every week, you should be in unbelievable shape.  This guy was in average, not even good, shape for a male in his 50s.  That should have been a sign that maybe he doesn't know how to work out properly, but it wasn't.

He proceeded to tell me about how his lifting is super tough, but it doesn't compare to doing the spin class that he does.  He then talked about how spin class is the toughest workout in the world, and completely unsolicited, told me that running is nothing compared to a spin class.  I love running, me and running have been through a lot together, so I wanted to go on a diatribe about the virtues of running, but I decided to nod politely instead.  I kind of wish I would have, because then I wouldn't have had to take part in the following exchange:

Douchebag:  You know what I look for when I go into a spin class?
Me (pausing, hoping he isn't going to tell me, but know that it's coming either way):  What's that?
Douchebag:  A nice juicy ass in front of me.
Me (disgusted and disappointed that I have the ability to read douchebag's mind):  Uh, that's great man.

But originally this douchebag came in for protein, so let's get back to that.  He came in, because he had had some chocolate caramel protein and he thought that was pretty good.  I showed him that, and he asked what other flavors we had, so I got around to showing him the many flavors that whey protein comes in.  

He then said, "I get tired of the same protein flavor."  This comment should not lead to what it led to, but I should have known to never underestimate the stupidty of people.  Below is some of what he told me and my thoughts on each comment.

"I like to lick chocolate flavored body paint off my girlfriend."
God damnit, what did you see in my behavior that made you think I wanted to hear about this?  You're disgusting, and I bet your girlfriend is a real heifer. 

"Yeah, I'm getting tired of the chocolate flavor.  Plus, the shit's expensive and they only give you a small container of it."
I really don't care.  And if your girlfriend is real, I'm sorry that she's too obese for a small container to cover all of her fat rolls.

"My girlfriend is in her twenties."
A.  No, she's not.  B.  You're so lazy in your storytelling that you can't even give her an exact age.  That'd be like me bragging that I have a girlfriend, and she has multiple boobs.  I won't give you an exact number, but trust me bro, it's more than one.

 Eventually this guy left the store, obviously without buying a damn thing.  He left the store, confident in how cool he must have seemed.  Unfortunately, his poorly made up lies don't just highlight the magnitude of his stupidity; they let the world know he is a pathetic douchebag.

-Joe

P.S.  So funny fact about the guy that won the Royal Rumble on Sunday.  He used to compete in MMA.  I got to give it to him, the dude's got balls, because not only did he fight Cro Cop at the peak of his powers, he did it with a mask on.