Bloodstained Men Has the Most Important Cause of Our Lifetime

I recently learned about the advocacy group, Bloodstained Men, and they might be my favorite advocacy group of our time. These are people with passion, fashion, and soon they'll be cashin'...checks because everyone is going to donate to this cause. Here are the reasons that Bloodstained Men are the perfect group for our generation.

1. Their Cause Is Important
So what are the Bloodstained Men all about? They are trying to stop circumcision at all costs. These babies aren't consenting to circumcision, therefore, it should be illegal to do it. And this may just be the tip of the iceberg. If we have to have babies consent to everything, they are going to start earning more and more rights. Babies are also imprisoned while they sleep, so they may be looking to ban cribs next. Would it be such a bad thing to let babies vote? Personally, I'm ready for President Blues Clues. It can't be any worse than the current regime, AMIRITE. #ThanksObama #Nobama

2. They Have Stunning Visuals
Was that photo up top not enough? Okay, how about this one?

That is strong, but maybe this is more your style?

That is almost too hot. This should satisfy everyone.

Yep, that should do it.

3. They Have Catchy Catchphrases
Having an organization based on circumcision give you an incredible opportunity for catchphrases. Here are some quick ones that I came up with off the top of my head.

Give your dick some extra size
There's no need to circumsize.

Foreskin gives the ladies more skin.

Keep that knife away from my dick
Use it to spread butter real quick.

I'm glad you're not going after my testicles
Let me keep the resticles.

How about we all drink some Tang
Then you won't have to slice my wang.

It is wrong to cut my dong.

I might go into epileptic shock
If you try to cut my cock.

Some were clearly better than others, but these all took me about 45 seconds to come up with. Needless to say, I was pretty excited to find out what Bloodstained Men were able to come up when they had years to make the catchiest of catchphrases. This is what they came up with:

You don't have to cut his penis.
Let him keep his WHOLE penis.

Seriously? Rhyming penis with penis? That's it?

But here's the thing, it's still really catchy. If I was still in college, I would definitely dress in all-white coveralls with a red stain on my crotch for Halloween and scream that catchphrase the entire night. It would be one of the most fun Halloween costumes of all time (Note: If you do this, please send pictures or video to uncensoredwriting@gmail.com).

The message is so strong that the delivery doesn't even matter.

Thank you, Bloodstained Men. Thank you.

Sean O'Haire: Master of the Vignette

Last night, news came that Sean O'Haire had passed away. If you are not a wrestling fan, that name probably means very little to you. If you are a wrestling fan, you may still not know who that is. But if you do have strong memories of Sean O'Haire, it is almost certainly not for what he did in the ring, but for what he did outside of the ring.

In preparation of Sean O'Haire coming to the WWE with a new gimmick, they released a series of vignettes. They are, without a doubt, the greatest vignettes in WWE history. I can't remember how I found these videos as it was a dark period in my wrestling watching when these came to fruition. I am guessing my brother sent them to me, and if I found them first, I can guarantee I immediately sent them to my brother. 

Bray Wyatt was praised for his vignettes, because he came across as this diabolical cult leader. But when you think about it, Bray Wyatt isn't scary, because Bray Wyatt can't control you. He is a cult leader for hillbillies, not your normal everyday person. Sean O'Haire was the cult leader for your everyday person, because on its face, although you knew what he was saying was bad, it also kind of made sense.

Every video was pure magic, like this one on infidelity.


Or this one on drugs:



Or my personal favorite, his work on religion:


They are all brilliant. Delivered perfectly. That smug confidence that every standard that you hold yourself to is a farce while he offers true freedom that will not only make you happier, but will make those around you happier as well. They are hammered home with the perfect conclusion, "Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know."

This gimmick really never went anywhere, but these videos will live on forever. If you really want to see their impact, just look at the YouTube comments on these videos. They make people feel uncomfortable about their beliefs. It's amazing.

It's a weird thing in that my friends and I have laughed our asses off at these videos, as they were so brilliant, all you could do was sit back and appreciate it. I'm sure that we are not alone in our appreciation for Sean O'Haire, and I hope that he knew how great these videos were. On the internet, it's so easy to shit all over things that you don't like. But this was something I loved, and I never took the time to see if he had Twitter or Facebook to tell him how awesome these were. At just 43 years old, I could have assumed that I would have plenty of time, but I was never actually going to do it.

So, if you take one thing out of this, it's praise things that you actually enjoy to let the creators know that what they are doing is awesome. It may be an athlete, it may be a writer, or even an artist, but letting them know how great their work is will make both you and the creator feel better.

Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

What Turning 30 Means

The short answer is "Not shit." I am guessing that you would like a little more insight than that, but today being my 30th birthday, I can assure you that it is just another day.

I have been married for nearly a year, and I still love my wife. Just knowing that she is in my life is enough to put a smile on my face. Also, she loves me way more than she did on our wedding day. She's even starting to laugh at some of my jokes now instead of just calling me an idiot.

I have a dog that I love way too much, but to be fair, she loves me way too much too. I can neither confirm nor deny that she tries to hump me anytime I crawl on the floor (yes, she). I can confirm that my wife is very jealous of our relationship.

I'm in good shape, even better than I was a year ago, so if all else fails, at least I have my health.

My only real complaint is that career-wise, I am a giant loser. Considering my education and skill-set, I should be way further ahead in the corporate world, but I only have myself to blame as I have taken two long sabbaticals from work for no other reason than, "Eh, I'm gonna go do my own thing for a while." Shockingly, that can scare off potential employers. Still, I'm bouncing between temp jobs, and although it's easy to feel down about not getting offered a good full-time job, logically, I know something will hit soon.

With that, I wish I had more money (who doesn't?), but complaining about it is silly. We live comfortably a mile from the beach, and eventually, I promise to get my wife a bedroom set so our mattress doesn't lay on the floor.

This isn't how I imagined my life turning out. I'm never going to be a professional athlete (who would have thought you would need size, athleticism, and coordination?). I'm never going to be rich and famous. But at least I have a blog, damnit. In all seriousness, life is good. I'm happy with where I'm at, and I'm excited for where things are going.

These thoughts may have seem jumbled, and that's an accurate representation of what goes on through my head. 30 adds no clarity to the mind, as just like when I was 10 and 20 years old, I'm still trying to figure things out. I have more answers now than I did then, but I still have just as many questions. I'm smart enough now to realize I'll never figure life out, so I'm going to do what I think is best. Do fun things, spend time with fun people, and overall, try to leave more good than bad. Outside of that, I don't have a clue, but I guess that's part of the fun.

We Need to Talk About This Picture of Hulk Hogan

WWE.com recently posted rarely seen photos of Hulk Hogan, and it is a treasure trove of wonderful for any Hulkamaniac. Despite there being 187 photos, one photo clearly stood out above the rest. I would not only posit that it is the greatest photo of Hulk Hogan, but likely the greatest photo in history. Behold:

That shirt. That SHIRT. That shirt is amazing. I mean, it takes a man to wear a shirt like that. I thought it was a photoshop at first, but this photo is apparently real, and that makes me incredibly happy. I don't even know how to talk about that shirt, so let's just rank the best things about that shirt.

5. It's pink.
4. It has hearts all over it.
3. It has a DEEP-V.
2. There are tears through the shoulders and arms of the shirt.
1. Hulk Hogan looked at it and decided that, "Yep, this is a nice shirt for a fancy dinner."

Second, we need to take a look at his dinner guests. Who are they? There is no way to know, but I have a pretty good guess. Logically, there is no way Hogan is busting out that shirt for just anybody, so they must be pretty big stars. Still, Hulk wants to take the attention off of them, or perhaps he NEEDS to take the attention off of them for their own sake. It's pretty obvious what I am saying by now. That is Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, both aged but living peacefully. Hulk is there enjoying their reminiscing while eating salads.

And speaking of what is for dinner, HOLY SHIT. Look at all those supplements. I counted 10 different bottles and cannisters of supplements. Good lord. Of course this is the man that once advertised The Hulkster's Powerful Python Pack...

Hulk Hogan Makes Protein Shakes (TNT Show 06... by JinMedia
...which are strong enough to help Awful Alfred and change the color of Vince McMahon's suit. So really ThERe is nO way to tell what Is to Decipher what is in those Supplements, but I am guessing that it is a super safe and super normal thing to have with salad and bread.

And although I love everything about this photo, it all comes back to one thing.

That shirt, man.

Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena at Summerslam Is the Match of the Year

When match of the year candidates come out, everyone will pick matches where both guys went back and forth and kept fans on the edge of their seat the entire time. The matches that will be nominated will all be great matches, and they all won't be half as good as Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena at Summerslam. 

Now that may be hard for people to accept, as it was about as one-sided as Ryback vs. Two Local Jobbers or Rusev vs. Black Guy, but the story it told was incredible. Brock Lesnar F-5'd Cena within the first ten seconds of the match, and it took incredible Cena power just to survive that much. 

Lesnar proceeded to ragdoll Cena around the ring with the most German suplexes ever thrown. And that was the beauty of it, he was not following through on the German Suplex, he was just throwing Cena around like a bag of potatoes. Cena landed awkwardly multiple times, because Lesnar is a freak who can do whatever he wants. 

You kept waiting for Cena to make his triumphant comeback, but instead Lesnar just threw him to the ground and pounded on him, one time forgetting that the punches are supposed to be somewhat blocked and nailing him right in the face with a left. It was absolutely brutal.

Finally, out of nowhere Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment and tried to pin Lesnar, but Brock kicked out, and then to top it all off, he sat up like he was the goddamned Undertaker just to let everyone know that he has beaten one of your heroes already, and he's about to crush another. 

Lesnar beat on Cena some more, Cena managed to get Lesnar in the STF, but Lesnar reversed it, decided that he was done with Cena and hit the F-5 for the victory. It was a total beatdown, and this was to the John Cena that constantly defies the odds. And John Cena still defied the odds. He lasted 15 minutes of brutality; no other superstar could have done that. 

Brock Lesnar could legitimately destroy anybody in the WWE, and they let that play out in the match. It doesn't matter how bad Cena wants it, how much this business means to him, or how many times he calls his opponent Jack. Lesnar is genetically superior, and if Lesnar wants something, he can take it. 

The match told a story. The story is that Brock Lesnar is a dream crusher. He crushed Cena's dreams, but he also crushed the dreams of every child watching. Guess what kids? It doesn't matter how hard you try, how much effort you put in, or how much you study. Eventually, you are going to run into your own Brock Lesnar, and that person is simply going to be better than you.

This is the moment of deepest depression in the story, and now all the fans are left waiting for is how a hero can rise up and defeat The Beast. 

I think we all know how the story ends, but I'm still excited as hell to go on the path to get there.

That is why Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena is the Match of the Year.

Which Cubs Prospect Is Most Likely To Be a Bust?

The Cubs are currently loaded with hitting prospects as most agree that they have the best farm system in baseball. Still, every Cubs fan seems to be cautiously optimistic about the future. Since these guys have not performed at the big league level, some of them are bound to fail. The odds definitely say that some will not work out, but which ones are going to fail? That is the question that I am going to try to answer by looking at the Cubs top hitting prospects and determining who has the largest, and by process of ranking, smallest, chance to fail.

8. Arismendy Alcantara - He has consistently done well in the minors, and he is already holding his own at the major league level. There are going to be some growing pains, but I feel very confident saying that he will be a valuable major leaguer while under team control.

7. Addison Russell - His chance of being a bust seems to be almost entirely tied to his chances of injuries. But considering he came back from a serious hamstring injury and has annihilated the ball in Double-A since being traded to the Cubs, that seems to quell those concerns. He gets extremely positive reviews for his defense, and it seems likely that he will be the shortstop of the future. According to everything that I have seen and heard, it seems very likely that Russell will be an incredibly valuable major leaguer.

6. Jorge Soler - This may seem low on the potential to bust, but I see very little chance in him not becoming a good outfielder. Like Russell, his only real concern is injuries, and he has slightly more concern with that, but when he is healthy, he hits. He has always put up good numbers, and since he's come back from injury, he's put up scary numbers. Soler and Yasiel Puig got signed in the same year, and everybody thought Soler was the better signing. Now, that looks a tad silly right now, but Soler has the potential to be as good as Puig, so I don't think the Cubs are too disappointed about signing him.

5. Billy McKinney - He is not only 20 years old and more than holding his own in High-A. Everything that he has showed so far has shown that he can be an above average regular. Still, he doesn't have much of a track record since he is so young. He has the potential to turn into a better player since he is so young for his current league, but that lack of track record also means that he could end up never making a positive contribution at the big league level.

4. Javier Baez - The fact that he swings at a lot of pitches is worrisome, but the one thing that quells my fear is that he has made adjustments at every level. He struggles early on, but then he makes those necessary tweaks and starts to crush the ball. The strikeouts are still a concern, but the more he proves himself, the more I start to believe he could become an infield playing Vladimir Guerrero. That's the absolute ceiling, but there are few players that can claim to have that sort of potential.

3. Kris Bryant - I love Kris Bryant, because he is totally my type. Big power, strikeout concerns, and questionable defense (my type for pitching is velocity and strikeouts). Try to get me to stop singing the praises of Chris Carter; you can't. Still, this is the line where I start having real concern about bust potential. Let's just throw out some minor league lines of comparable players to see what type of player we can expect Kris Bryant to become.

Bryant - .341/.446/.685 with 36 home runs, 68 walks, and 129 strikeouts while 3.3 years younger than his competition.
Player A - .321/.381/.667 with 43 home runs, 48 walks, and 134 strikeouts while 3 years younger than his competition.
Player B - .317/.387/.670 with 40 home runs, 57 walks, and 169 strikeouts while 2.7 years younger than his competition.

Those players are all pretty similar. Bryant has the advantage in age and walks, but he is on pace to strike out closer to Player B than Player A. Still, there has been some change in strikeout rate overall, so we can give him at least comparable contact rates to either guy. Player A is Brandon Wood, Player B is Dallas McPherson. Don't mind me; I'm going to be vomiting in the corner over the next few hours. Kris Bryant is a potential monster, but he has some flaws in his game. If he struggles at making contact in the minors, it is only going to get tougher at the major league level. Wood and McPherson were two guys who completely fell apart at that level, but despite all that, Kris Bryant is already close to my heart, so despite all this logic, thre is no way I would bet against him (Full disclosure though: I'd still be a little intrigued if the Cubs signed Brandon Wood today. His current line with the Sugar Land Skeeters is .098/.156/.159.).

2. Kyle Schwarber - There is just so very little to go on with Schwarber that he has an incredibly high bust potential. He crushed the ball at his first two stops but is struggling at the High-A level, which is probably an appropriate level for a college player. There is no consensus on whether he can stay behind the plate, and it's too early to really tell how good of a hitter he will become. I just can't imagine anyone being very confident that he will turn into a quality major leaguer. That doesn't mean that he won't; it's just that there is not enough evidence to go on to make a strong bet either way on Schwarber.

1. Albert Almora - This is a pretty obvious number one choice as this is the one hitting prospect who has not set the world on fire this year. He was just okay at High-A, and he has really struggled since moving up to Double-A. I am not a huge fan of walks as the be all, end all for prospects, but it is a preferable thing for a potential leadoff hitter to excel in. He is only 20 years old and in Double-A, so it is not time to throw in the towel. This could be a bump in the road, or it could be a sign of things to come. I am hoping for the former, but like with all of these prospects, only time will tell.

Dave Dombrowski Is a Gentle Lover

When I heard the Tigers were pursuing David Price, I chuckled to myself. The Tigers have traded away so many prospects that I'm not even sure if they field minor league teams anymore. There was no way they had the assets to get David Price. But then, sure enough, Dave Dombrowski found a way to turn Austin Jackson and Drew Smyly into David Price. How did he do this? It's because he's a gentle lover. Let me explain.

I think it's common knowledge that Dave Dombrowski is a master of seduction. If you somehow didn't know that, this photo, which has not been poorly photoshopped AT ALL, proves my point:

Since he is a master of seduction, he can pretty much seduce any woman he pleases. I'll admit it; I was nervous going to a Tigers Spring Training game a few months ago at the mere chance that DD might take a liking to my lady.

Basically, what his seduction prowess means is that he can seduce any owner's wife/girlfriend/main squeeze. Now, these owners are all super rich, cutthroat men who have done whatever it takes to get to the top. These are very prideful men, and also men who know what they like and hate change. The problem is that not only can Dave Dombrowski seduce their lady, but also that DD is a gentle lover.

This causes an issue as most owners sexual techniques start and end with vigorous. They aren't into any fluff; they are incredibly hard workers, but they only know one speed. Meanwhile, DD has listened to enough Tenacious D where he doesn't give sex to a woman, he makes love with her. Once these women experience the gentle love making of DD, they no longer want the vigorous sex that they experience from an old crusty baseball owner, and it ruins the lives of these owners.

So that is why Dave Dombrowski is consistently able to do the impossible when it comes to trades. Dave Dombrowski agreed to a four-year no seduction deal at the end of 2007 to acquire Miguel Cabrera from Jeffrey Loria and the Marlins. When that deal ran out, he gave another extension to get Anibal Sanchez in 2012. In between those two deals, he called up Ken Kendrick, who forced Josh Byrnes to trade away Max Scherzer in order to keep his beau away from Dombrowski's charms.

And finally, he called up Stuart Sternberg. Sternberg is a young, Wall Street hotshot, so he laughed at Dombrowski at first. He causally mentioned it as a joke with Andrew Friedman, but Friedman wasn't laughing. He knew of Dombrowski's skills, and therefore, he knew what he had to do. David Price is a Tiger, but Sternberg and his wife are safe from the charms of DD.

Don't blame these teams for their lack of return on top end talent. When you get that call from the 313 area code, you know your options have run out. If Dombrowski doesn't get his man, he's coming for your woman, and I'm glad these teams have made the right choice.

The 3 Best Signings of the 2014 NBA Offseason

This NBA offseason has been a lot of fun, and that's not only because I am actually happy with what the Bulls were able to do. Just about every team has something to be excited about. I mean, just look at the Heat; they may have lost the finals, but they were able to outbid the Hornets for Josh McRoberts. Still, that move doesn't quite make my list of the best signings. Other signings that will not count are guys that took discounts to stay with their teams, so although Dirk may be the best value in the league, everybody understands that this was a great deal for the Mavs, so there is not much I can add on that one. Let's go to three moves that I really liked this offseason that deserve special praise.

Lance Stephenson
Lance got downgraded by the media, because he was supposed to get overpaid, but then he didn't actually get overpaid. He is barely making half of the annual salary that Gordon Hayward is, and Hayward got an extra year on top of that. Is Hayward twice the player that Stephenson is? No, definitely not. Is he even a better player than Stephenson? That seems like a debate to me, and I would probably side with Stephenson.

If you are worried about him being a head case, let's compare him to another player that had a career year after causing problems many different times, Kyle Lowry. Lowry got $12 million a year and an extra year on his deal. He's about five years older than Stephenson as well. Can you really say that he will outproduce Lance Stephenson? I can't, and that's why I really like the Stephenson deal.

There is definitely risk with Stephenson, but he may just be a goofball who works his ass off when it comes to basketball. Dennis Rodman was far worse than Stephenson on and especially off the court, but when his team needed him, he came through in the clutch and put together a Hall of Fame NBA career. Not bad for a head case.

Pau Gasol
Everybody thinks he was terrible last year, but he actually put up good numbers on a bad team. The versatility that the Bulls gained by putting him in the frontcourt makes them incredibly dangerous this year. Also, he got about the same annual salary as Boris Diaw, and Diaw even got an extra year on his contract. If you can find a person who believes that Boris Diaw is better than Pau Gasol, please introduce them to me, so I can slap some sense into them.

Isaiah Thomas
A little weird since this was a sign and trade, but the trade assets were minimal, and the deal is well worth it. Thomas can tear around the court and create shots. He has questionable defense, but he'll be able to keep up with the Suns style of play. Yes, the Suns already have Goran Dragic and (likely) Eric Bledsoe coming back, but since those guys start together, they can easily find 25 minutes for Thomas to mix and match lineups depending on who they are going up against. Also, Bledsoe hasn't signed a contract yet as a restricted free agent, and Dragic only has one more year left on his contract. Four years and $27 million is great value, especially considering that he is only 25 years old.