Showing posts with label Akam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Akam. Show all posts

Monday, October 28, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Akam vs. Eric Bischoff

And so we have come to the end of the road. Shit has gotten absolutely ridiculous at this point, and that's not even including that Eric Bischoff made it to the finals. If you made it this far, I'm sorry, but here is the conclusion. 


Akam vs. Eric Bischoff
Joe: I think we both know how this final goes down. They square off, and then the music hits. Who’s that coming down the aisle? It’s Lukewarm Jonah, and he knocks both their asses out with a single punch. Mind you, not a punch for each of them, but a single punch that knocks them both out in one fell swoop. Agreed?


Jonah: Yeah I was going to assume that Akam hurt his knee on the way down and needed me to step in, but I can also knock two people out with one punch. The only fight I ever lost was against six or seven guys, so I’m pretty sure I got these two in the bag. Though in my defense, that wasn’t exactly a fight as much as it was six or seven guys surrounding and jumping me and trying to abduct me. I was good enough to avoid being put in a van, I’m good enough to take down one geriatric man. Also, there’s an article about Eric Bischoff where he talks about how rusty his karate skills are. It’s a first round knockout for Lukewarm Jonah, Best In The World, Best Brawler In The World. I celebrate by pulling a Pop Tart out of my fanny pack and eat it over Eric Bischoff’s unconscious body as his grandkids cry.


Joe: I’m...uh...yeah, I got nothing.

Jonah: Let me wrap it up for you, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson. Booking Brawl For It All can make anyone crazy. I don’t think I can actually apologize to Vince Russo, but maybe I understand a little.

Joe: Yeah, and I finally just want to put out there that Eric Bischoff would get annihilated by any of the other 15 guys in this tournament, but it’s just way more fun that he made it to the finals. I needed that on the record so I at least have a claim that I still have my sanity.



Semifinals

Monday, October 14, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Akam vs. Rezar

I would say that Akam vs. Rezar is the premium matchup of this entire tournament. A man with international wrestling experience taking on a former MMA fighter, these two have some pretty impressive credentials. With that being said, this one goes so far off the rails that the train turned a hot air balloon.

Jonah’s #1 Akam vs. Joe’s #2 Rezar
Jonah: Rezar is an MMA fighter, Akam is a wrestler, in an MMA fight Rezar could win, but the specific rules of Brawl For It All Akam spams takedowns and wins on points. There’s no BJJ or anything in Brawl For It All, so there’s no danger for Akam when he takes him to the ground.

Joe: Jonah, you know I love wrestlers. Unfortunately, I think you’re overestimating Akam’s wrestling prowess. All I can find out is that he lost in a qualification tournament for the Olympics; I’m not even sure if it was the finals, and it was against a guy from the United States who was well past his prime.

On top of that, Akam is a Greco-Roman Wrestler, not a Freestyle guy. Greco is upper body locks and turning downed opponents. The latter is completely useless, and the former is really freaking hard considering Greco guys depend on locking their hands to gain leverage on opponents and he’s going to be wearing boxing gloves during this.

Now I’m sure that Akam has some leg takedowns, but that’s clearly not his strongsuit, and Rezar should have enough wrestling experience through MMA that he will be able to stay on his feet. Also, it’s way easier to avoid takedowns in rings than it is in cages with the help of the ropes. Rezar gonna light his partner up.

Jonah: I disagree, I’m sure Rezar has some MMA wrestling skills, but that’s nothing compared to having a really strong wrestling background. That’s why wrestlers take down MMA guys all the time. Takedowns aren’t that hard in a ring, and I don’t think you can grab the ropes in Brawl For It All, I mean Pride fights still went to the ground all the time.

Joe: It’s pretty easy to “accidentally” hook one arm around the rope while you pound a guy in the head that’s going for a takedown, and you didn’t even address the biggest issue.

Akam is no doubt a better wrestler, but wearing boxing gloves and trying to take down somebody with any wrestling experience is pretty difficult. And considering he’s a Greco guy who are totally dependent on gripping somebody for upper body throws, that would have zero chance of happening with boxing gloves on.

On top of that, you’re overestimating his wrestling skills. He’s a Canadian wrestler. Canadians are not good at wrestling. If he would have wrestled folkstyle at US College, there’s a good chance that he never would have been an All-American.

But please, let’s first address how in the hell he’s getting a takedown with boxing gloves on.

Jonah: I guess I have a question about everyone of your fighters you said would win due to takedowns, are those all invalid now? Because if we’re assuming they can score takedowns with boxing gloves then Akam can too. Also, Steve Blackman scored approximately 700 takedowns with boxing gloves on in his original Brawl For It All fight.

Joe: Those previous matchups didn’t involve going up against people with wrestling experience. With Rezar’s MMA background, he has trained a ton of defensive wrestling and also will be throwing uppercuts galore if Akam tries to shoot in. In previous matchups, it was a wrestler taking on a total non-wrestler. My wrestling background is junior high wrestling for a couple years and some MMA wrestling and when I went against somebody with little to no wrestling experience, I felt like Brock Lesnar as I could take them down at will.

So any way that Akam is getting those takedowns?

Jonah: Though you discount Canada as a whole, Olympic level wrestling is a whole different animal. Kurt Angle took down Brock Lesnar, and while it wasn’t some one sided affair, Angle is a better wrestler than Lesnar even with Lesnar’s crazy size advantage and the fact that Lesnar was an NCAA champion. If two good wrestlers go up against each other someone is better, and in this case it’s the Olympic wrestler going up against the guy who’s an MMA fighter.

Joe: Jonah, although I think it is hilarious that you are trying to explain wrestling to me, I’m going to have to shut you down since this is truly an impressive feat to fit that much misinformation in one tiny paragraph.

I must have missed the part where Akam made the Olympics.
Olympians and Gold Medalists are FAR DIFFERENT animals.
I want to reiterate that Akam never made that much lower bar, because Canada sucks at wrestling.
Also, Greco guys are just wrestlers who couldn’t make it in Freestyle, making Akam look even worse.
This is not a wrestling match.
I need to ask this question: Have you ever seen a wrestling match? I don’t want to go too deep, but just the stance of wrestlers wouldn’t work when punches are being thrown so it really changes the game.
Kurt Angle took down Brock Lesnar when they were wrestling against each other. If someone is not trying to score their own takedowns, it’s a whole lot easier to shut down your opponent’s offense.
Did you forget that Akam is wearing boxing gloves?

Are you ready to concede victory yet?

Jonah: Nope, Akam is a stud. Blackman succeeded in takedowns when ex Golden Gloves boxer Marc Mero was throwing punches with boxing gloves on, takedowns aren’t this crazy thing that can never happen. It’s not a wrestling match, but takedowns count for a lot of points, takedowns win Brawl For It All fights. GSP is from Canada and is the world’s greatest wrestler making celebrated college wrestlers look like chumps. Rezar is also Dutch, have I missed the great influx of Dutch wrestlers in the world? I’m pretty sure Lesnar was trying to take down Angle as well, and if Olympic wrestling actually paid, Lesnar could have at the very least qualified for the Olympics. Besides we need one of each of our guys in the finals.

Joe: Jonah, I’m not sure what point you are trying to make, but I need to address that you are out of your mind thinking that Lesnar could have made the Olympics. Lesnar won the NCAA Title during an extremely weak time for college heavyweights. He would have been slaughtered at the Olympic trials.

And the reason Blackman could get takedowns is he was shooting on someone who had zero wrestling experience which is why wrestlers have made it this far. And I’m not saying Rezar is a great wrestler; he’d probably never get a takedown on Akam, but getting takedowns and stopping takedowns is a far different beast.

There is no logical way to explain how Akam could beat Rezar, but if you need someone in the finals, I guess Rezar passes out from laughing so hard when Akam tries to throw him with boxing gloves on and Akam wins by TKO?

Jonah: OK how about this, almost all of Rezar’s MMA wins are by submission and his losses are by TKO, he takes punches in bunches and only knows how to submit dudes. Akam just drops him and knocks him out. In all honesty it doesn’t matter who wins, I guess Rezar can probably stuff Akam’s takedowns, so it’s two big hosses throwing hands. It’s what people actually want to see out of Brawl For It All. If you feel very strongly about Rezar winning he can win.

Joe: I just watched two of his fights, and the one he lost by TKO was all built on ground and pound. The won he got a guillotine choke was set up because he absolutely destroyed his opponent on his feet. If it comes down to a brawl, I would probably favor the guy who knows how to box as opposed to the guy who doesn’t know how to box. I think Rezar would make this far more boring than you would like as there’s really no reason to throw anything but a jab and the occasional uppercut in this fight. Still, as far as I know, tickling is not explicitly banned in Brawl for All, and as Rezar’s tag partner, Akam probably knows all of most effective use of a tickle touch to win by TKO (Tickling Kaput Opponent).

Jonah: Research is research, I already told you that you can choose who wins, but as I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, you would have chose Dr. Death to win the entire Brawl For It All against Steve Blackman in the finals, Blackman got hurt in the first round and Dr. Death, lost in the NCAA finals to an Olympian.four time All American wrestler and all around tough guy, got knocked out by super random guy Bart Gunn. And if we’re really going to be dicks about it, you’re recent and past MMA fight picks haven’t worked out well for you. What “should” happen doesn’t always happen in fights. I’m short, fat and physically damaged, and I guarantee I would beat at least a quarter of the people you train with in a fight based purely on insanity and coming into fights injured and being very comfortable in that state. Just to put myself over, being crazy and in constant pain makes me far more dangerous than a lot people who have real training.

Joe: Haha, Jonah, you don’t have to worry about offending me because I picked a fight wrong. I mean, Ben Askren was controlling that fight early on, but then he got hit with that knee three seconds into the fight, and it went downhill from there. If that fight goes six seconds, Askren wins easily.

You really threw me for a loop on this one as I feel like things got a tad off the rails. I’m not sure to pick Akam, Rezar, or Jonah, but let’s just have Akam advance.

Monday, September 16, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Akam vs. Shelton Benjamin

Finally, we have made it to the second round where only eight men are still standing. This is a sad one for me as Jonah has both of the guys in this first matchup, and to make matters worse, it's two guys with strong amateur wrestling backgrounds. But it's time to see who will be the first guy to qualify for the semifinals. 


Jonah’s #1 Akam vs. Jonah’s #5 Shelton Benjamin
Jonah: Well this is a pretty good matchup, but Akam has to be the favorite. Benjamin is a hell of a wrestler, but so is Akam. Akam is also younger and bigger. This is kind of like the last round had Jason Jordan been healthy. I think Shelton can hold his own, but Akam is just too good, big and young for Shelton to handle.


Joe: I think Shelton Benjamin is a dangerous matchup for anybody. Yes, he’s older, but he was such a freak of an athlete that he is still more agile that most of the WWE roster. I certainly don’t think Akam has nearly enough to get a takedown on Shelton, so then it’s a matchup of boxing between two guys that don’t appear to have any skills in boxing. Is it really crazy to think Shelton could use his speed to outpunch Akam in this matchup?


Jonah: Look these guys are both my picks so I like both of them, but Akam was a prospect for the 2016 Olympics before he decided to go the pro wrestling route. Shelton Benjamin is awesome, and I love Minnesota, but I would give the wrestling edge to Akam in this matchup. Benjamin is probably a better pure athlete, he’s a freak. I think it’s a really good fight, but I’m still pretty confident Akam wins with wrestling. 


Joe: I don’t think there is a chance in hell that Akam could take down Shelton Benjamin while wearing boxing gloves. But I can’t really say who has the better hands in the fight either. Since these are both your guys, I will defer to you and have Akam move onto the semifinals.


Monday, July 22, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl For All: Akam vs. Curtis Axel

After going through many stupid fantasy drafts with Jonah, this one is undoubtedly are dumbest. Brawl for All, a truly terrible idea that was terrible to watch and made no business sense, is one of Vince McMahon's most embarrassing failures. But what if it happened in 2019? Jonah demanded that we do a draft and debate how this would go and limited it to wrestlers who are not active in storylines currently since the original Brawl For All was certainly not set up with superstars. We went big and put in 16 guys in the bracket, eight picks for each side.

Today is the #1 overall pick in the draft, Akam of the Authors of Pain taking on a "perfect" opponent, Curtis Axel.

Jonah’s #1 Akam vs. Joe’s #8 Curtis Axel
Jonah: The first pick was either going to be Akam or Rezar, I went with Akam because he is a celebrated amateur wrestler. He’s a three time Candian national wrestler, a gold medalist in the Canada Summer Games, a prospect for the 2012 Olympics who lost a qualifying match and a prospect for the 2016 Olympics before he went to the WWE. He’s also a really big guy, I assume he packs quite a wallop in his punches. Curtis Axel seems like another guy who’s surprisingly tough. He’s got decent size and is probably an OK amateur wrestler, I know he trained with Brock Lesnar to get him ready for the WWE. Unfortunately, he’s just overmatched here by size and wrestling ability. Akam has to win this one on takedowns alone. 


Joe: But Curtis Axel is at least 50% perfect. You have to admit this is going to be a major issue for Akam. What if his right knee is perfect, and he sprints across the ring and throws a perfect flying knee to knock out Akam in five seconds? If Akam gets knocked out in five seconds, you’ve got to give the edge to Axel, agreed?


Jonah: No, and you really seem to be confused about the rules of Brawl For It All, no knee strikes. Axel is spending the entirety of this fight on his back.


Joe: So, are you admitting that Axel would knock out Akam if he broke the rules and threw a running knee? If so, I will gladly take the DQ loss here.


Jonah: I think Axel would simply anger Akam if he hit a running knee. He also might be caught mid air and slammed through the mat.


Joe: Damn, my only hope is that you would fall into my trap of letting Axel get DQed by illegal knee, and then I would use concussion protocol to end Akam’s run in the tournament. Ugh, I guess Akam will just have a healthy advancement to the second round.

Next time, it's a battle to see who takes on Akam, featuring two former B1G Wrestlers.

Monday, July 8, 2019

The WWE Is Ruining... The Authors of Pain

After a brief hiatus to discuss every possible person in the WWE’s developmental system, we are back to discuss how the WWE is ruining their talent. Since we took a hiatus, let’s tackle two guys in Akam and Rezar, the Authors of Pain.

By the time the Authors of Pain left NXT, they seemed impossible to screw up. Both guys are legit athletes as Rezar fought in mixed martial arts professionally, and Akam was nearly an Olympian in wrestling. Not only did they have tremendous size and athleticism, but they got SO MUCH BETTER in a short period of time when it came to their wrestling skills. They were naturals, and it seemed like they were destined to dominate a tag division for a decade.

Instead, they have not dominated the tag division. In fact, their run has been a total embarrassment. Yes, AOP did win the tag titles once, defeating Seth Rollins and...oh, absolutely nobody. They beat Seth Rollins in a handicap match to win the tag titles. Well, there is no way that they could lose the tag titles in an even dumber fashion.

Oh, wait, this is the WWE we’re talking about.

So, of course they lost their titles, not by getting pinned or submitted, or even disqualified or counted out. Instead, their manager, Drake Maverick was pinned by Bobby Roode and Chad Gable. Is this the part where I should talk about how Roode and Gable were a short-lived tag team, or is this the part where I should talk about how the feud was centered around Drake Maverick pissing his pants?

The solution is so simple with AOP, and the sad thing is the WWE already knew the answer. Just let them be your Legion of Doom. You let them be indestructable badasses and have a manager do their talking for them. They don’t need Paul Ellering, and they definitely don’t need a cosplaying Drake Maverick, so let’s call up Stokely Hathaway and have him build a stable of badasses with him as the mouthpiece.

Then just let them have wrestling matches. Put them against The Revival, bring back American Alpha, wait, I’m just recreating the NXT tag division from a few years ago. Ah, fuck it, let’s just do it. Get DIY together, hell, I even want to see Blake get called up to tag up with Buddy Murphy. That tag division ruled, so let’s just have them recreate everything they did in NXT on the main roster.

Akam and Rezar can bring the pain. Just let me be the author of their story.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Ali

Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show

Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Brock Lesnar
Carmella
Chad Gable