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The Ultimate Warrior Gives Hulk Hogan A Verbal Beatdown - Part One

It finally happened. After weeks of anticipation, The Warrior finally delivered on his promise that karma was coming to collect on Hulk Hogan. He had shown us some choice excerpts to whet our appetite, but on Friday, he released all 57 minutes, split up into nine parts, on his website and YouTube.

I know when I really hate people, it takes me about five minutes of pure verbal abuse before I'm worn out. So when Warrior first spoke of this video, I assumed that, at most, half of it would be dissing Hogan, and he'd tackle some other topics along the way. Nope. Warrior has 57 minutes of video, and 55 minutes of pure hatred for Hulk Hogan. His hatred of Hulk Hogan is 11 times my hatred of any other person. And that doesn't even count that he had someone edit this, meaning they actually cut some of his hatred out. Yes, The Ultimate Warrior is incredibly awesome.

Before I get into this, I want to give a warning to everyone out there. If you start watching this, you will not be able to stop.

PART ONE:

The Warrior is very wise, so he starts off the video by establishing his credibility and diminishing any credibility from Hulk Hogan and any of his friends. He is the only person who has become an adult. The rest of them still act like selfish children.

The Warrior is clearly above other people in the wrestling business, so he states that he doesn't care about the wrestling business.

Next, he brings up how ridiculous it is that Hulk Hogan doesn't acknowledge his impact on the business. He's also pissed about Renegade. I'm hoping he meant this version...

Because I absolutely love this version...

Lorenzo Lamas was a badass. But I digress.

Warrior also hates somebody named Trident or Triton or Trytan. I don't remember the guy, but it seems as though it was another Ultimate Warrior copycat. 

Simple minded people would say that this is a contradiction, but true Warriors would realize that he both doesn't care about the wrestling business but needs to mention that Hulk should recognize his contribution to the business, while laughing at their failed attempts to copy his gimmick. It's called a Clothesline of Creativity, try to keep up. Speaking of Clotheslines of Creativity, here is the best quote from part one:

“I do own a piece of your psyche. And if I do, then all the Ultimate Warrior fans do too.”

Hell fucking yeah. I own a piece of Hulk Hogan's psyche. It's totally badass being a Warrior. Onto Part Two.

PART TWO:

Part Two was probably the strongest part of the entire series of videos, but there were a lot of things that were in his highlight video that he released a couple weeks before this video. I will only briefly touch on those things, like this quote on Hulk Hogan's open marriage:

"I bet I'm the only guy who ever said no to doing your wife."

I don't know where I'll ever be able to use that, but god damn, I sure would like to tell somebody that before I die.

Hulk Hogan apparently loves drugs. Here is the proof.
Hulk Hogan said this all the time “A day without smoking pot is like a day without sunshine.”

There are days where Hulk does nothing but snort cocaine.

Hulk Hogan hides drugs in his fanny pack.

Juvy Juice, which is not to be confused with Juvie Juice. It's actually Rejuvenation Juice and it amps up the dopamine levels, gets you really high, and it can kill you. Hulk had it in a half gallon bottle. 

1. Wrestlers come up with the coolest phrases ever.

2. I have doubted fanny packs for a long time, but it appears that they may be pretty damn awesome. I guess I should have bought that leather American Flag fanny pack when I had the chance.

3. I'll stick with Juvie Juice instead of Juvy Juice.

After this, the Warrior gets bored with Hulk's drug habits and starts to attack his look. He is not impressed with somebody wearing a do-rag at almost sixty years old. Warrior also says that Hulk wears 50 cent sunglasses. Those are not to be confused with 50 Cent sunglasses.

He then talks about Hogan's flap of extensions.The Ultimate Warrior cannot contain his laughter after telling the world this. I would argue that the following is probably the greatest clothesline of creativity in the entire video series:

"If you lift the flap of extensions on the back of Hulk's neck, you would find The Wizard of Oz. I was only partially right, you would find the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion, because you don't have a brain, you don't have a heart, and you have absolutely no fucking courage."

That's what we in the industry like to call a "BURN."

But my favorite part of the video was one of the few times where he took a break from bashing Hogan. When Warrior sees a combover or overweight people, he says, “there's some serious character flaws, serious lack of character happening there.” Ultimate Warrior HATES fat people (and bald people too).

PART THREE:

There are only two things of note in this part.

First off, when The Warrior says, “I want to wrap this thing up.” This loses a little luster, considering there are still five more parts and a bonus video after this.

Second, Warrior just cited Macho Man's rap album, and agreed with the song, “Be A Man” because it tells Hulk to...um, Be A Man.

And that wraps up part one of my analysis of The Ultimate Warrior's "Karma's Coming To Collect" videos. Tune in tomorrow for part two.

Your Founding Father of Hottness,

Hott Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco LOVES chandeliers, or chandeleers:

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Lake house has no chandeleers and I need some. Any light company want to trade 2 or 3 for signed bat or any game worn piece of equipment.

Jose Canseco Does Not Learn From His Mistakes

I think through reading and writing about Jose Canseco, it is safe to say he is a simple person. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but only as an illustrative point that he believes in the basic needs of life and his ultimate goal is to recapture the American dream that he once lived. Recently, he has felt betrayed by his loved ones, and I wanted to help, not only him, but the entire world learn from his mistakes.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I made a total fool of my self for someone who never even cared about me .what an idiot I am

Well, I could have told you that putting Ozzie on the roster was a bad idea, but I don't think anyone thinks you're a fool for it. Also, had you not stopped him, I bet he would have posed as you in that boxing match, so I think you're overreacting when saying he doesn't care about you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I actually thought I was going to marry leila .what an idiot I am

Oh. That's the person you were referring to when you were talking about you looking like a fool. Um, Ozzie, I guess I owe you an apology. Just ignore everything I wrote at first. You're a very great independent league baseball player, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I am looking for a wife anyone interested

This is not a well thought out plan. Jose Canseco is much more famous than me, but if I did this, I would have women lining up to marry me on the spot. And it's not just because I'm incredibly good looking. It's because if there's one thing I know about females, it's this: Bitches are crazy. Everybody thinks that women are interested in two things, marriage and babies. This is actually a misconception. Ladies love one thing, stuff. They just love to get stuff. When people get married, they get a bunch of stuff, when they pump out a little one, they get more stuff. This is all that ladies care about, so Jose, you've opened up a can of worms, I just hope you can shut it before it's too late.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Love makes fools out of all of us especially me

Hey, it happens to the best of us. At least you have learned a valuable lesson. 

Wait a minute, what's that? No. It can't be. I know he learned something. This must be a mistake.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Hi lady gaga guess who http://lockerz.com/s/110858376

God damnit.

-Joe

P.S. For lessons on how to tweet hard enough to give a dolphin a boner (more on that next week), learn from The Ultimate Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Warrior God for ULTIMATE time. Demand is HIGH. Escort limited to pro-wrestlers wives. Reserve right to refuse service. No, HH. Linda, no.

Say what you want about The Ultimate Warrior, but a disparaging personal ad in 140 characters is pretty damn impressive. Bravo, Jim Warrior, bra-fucking-vo.

The Ultimate Warrior Now Has Twitter

To say the timing of my following of the Ultimate Warrior was fortuitous is a gross understatement of how perfectly that I timed this. Right after I announced that I was following The Warrior, he not only started posting videos like they are going out of style, but he has started a Twitter account. And like all things Ultimate Warrior, it's fucking amazing.

He started out his Twitter feed in the least surprising manner...by talking shit to Hulk Hogan.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@HulkHogan4Real Karma is coming to collect Terry.

I really think that this was Ultimate Warrior's number one purpose for setting up a Twitter account. Hulk Hogan hasn't been acknowledging him as a threat, so he figured he'd let it be known that he is going to put a bullet in Hulkamania. But that's not all as he totally burned Hogan with another tweet.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@OfficialHTM Absolute BS! Good to hear from you man. Stay active, passionate and healthy!! Hogan has no spine, no pun intended!

I'll admit, it took me a while to understand the "no pun intended" part of this tweet. I finally realized he was referring to Hulk's numerous back surgeries. Personally, I feel like instead of going with "no pun intended" a better way to end that tweet would have been with a "Hogan has no spine, literally!" To each their own.

But then Warrior got really steamed. Hulk Hogan had the audacity to block people who were talking shit to him on Twitter, which is completely unreasonable in the land of the Warrior. Twitter alone was no longer enough for The Warrior, he decided to go back to his trusted friend, YouTube to create this:

I've watched this video about two dozen times. Each time I am absolutely mesmerized. I love that he calls it a social networking party, and uses that to challenge Hulk Hogan's former partying days. I love that he says that Hulk Hogan has a womanly handshake. And I love that he tells Hogan that he and his Warriors are going to bust down the wall of his (theoretical social networking party) house if he won't let them through the (theoretical) front door. He then gives an awesome diabolical laugh to end the video. It's all phenomenal.

How do you top that? For normal beings, they wouldn't be able to. For the Warrior, it's a piece of cake. Yesterday morning, he topped his amazing video when he greeted his Twitter followers with this message:

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Morning, warriors. Yesterday is gone. Forever. Today, you rip fresh ass.

I wish I had something insightful to say, but it would only alter the perfection of that tweet.

-Joe

P.S. Macho Man may have tragically passed away, but he lives on in the Where's Randy Savage tumblr. This photo is amazing.

P.P.S. Here's a good article on Clay Guida who has a really interesting fight against Anthony Pettis tomorrow. The first four paragraphs gave me a good laugh, because I can vouch that John Dodson has been doing ridiculous moves like that before Pettis ever did it in his match against Ben Henderson.

The Day The Madness Died

By now, I'm sure you have heard the tragic news that Macho Man Randy Savage has passed away after having a heart attack that led to a fatal car accident. Although this is tragic news, nobody can say it is all that surprising as wrestlers die early at an incredibly alarming rate.

Back in the old WWE (then the WWF), wrestlers led a life of excess that they simply can't get away with these days. Kevin Nash once said, “The thing that always kills me is people say wrestlers party like rock stars. I’m thinking, I’ve partied with rock stars. Rock stars don’t party anywhere near what wrestlers do. The quote should be that rock stars party like wrestlers…We partied like wrestlers and that was pretty much the pinnacle.” And that really was the life that wrestlers led. Cocaine, steroids, you name it, they almost definitely tried it and probably took it in excess.

But that's not the only reason that it's sad that Macho Man came through the business when he did. A lot of times people will talk about athletes who could have done much bigger and better things had they come along in a different era. The tweener in basketball, the undersized lineman in football, or the speedy slap hitter in baseball could have all had much larger impacts had they come around twenty years earlier, but it's a different game that they just didn't fit in. The interesting thing about Macho Man is he actually would have made a much bigger impact had he come around twenty years later.

This isn't to say he wasn't great, he most definitely was, but he could have been greater. His peak in the WWE came at a time where bigger was better, and he simply couldn't match the sheer girth of the WWE's biggest attractions. It was a time of unstoppable forces, from Andre the Giant, to Hulk Hogan, to Ultimate Warrior, it was a time of mediocre performers but who had an aura that made them seem larger than life.

Meanwhile, Macho Man was an incredible worker with great charisma, but never had the size to seem unstoppable. He won the title at WrestleMania IV in a 16-Man Tournament mostly because he was one of the few guys who could put on four good matches in a single night. His match at WrestleMania III against Ricky Steamboat is still considered one of the greatest matches of all time. His second title win came at WrestleMania VIII, but it was in the middle of the card, so Hulk Hogan could headline against Sid Justice.

But as great as he was, I keep thinking that he could have been greater. When I look at champions like Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho, it's hard to believe he wouldn't have been competing for the WWE Title for ten straight years had he just come along a little bit later.

But unlike most professional wrestlers, Macho Man didn't try to hang on to catch one last bit of glory. He was done as a full-time wrestler in 1999. He made a brief comeback in 2004, but had a disagreement with TNA and left after only a couple months. After that, he disappeared. No website, no Facebook, no Twitter; it was a big deal if you merely saw an updated picture of Macho Man on the Internet.

The only time he was really in the news these past seven years was when he remarried last year. The world saw some wedding photos and he fell back into his life of seclusion.

Almost all wrestlers hold onto the business for two reasons: The spotlight or the money. Macho Man didn't need either, and there's something very refreshing about that (especially as wrestling fans watch legends like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair waste away on TNA Impact Wrestling each week). But as a wrestling fan, it's hard to not imagine a world where Macho Man came along 10-15 years later, because as great as he was, he could have been even greater.

-Joe

P.S. I didn't have a good space to talk about Macho Man's rapping career, but you can bet your ass that I still listen to those songs and have the best songs on repeat today in honor of him. Although, most are going to link to Perfect Friend, but I'd much rather listen to Macho Thang.

P.P.S. Yes, I do still have a talking Macho Man action figure hanging out on my dresser, and I'm proud of it.

Taco Bell Has Created A Double Decker Utopia

Last year, I absolutely raved about Sneaky Taco Bell Guy and what the geniuses at Taco Bell were conveying in their fantastic commercial. Well, we can no longer chalk up that amazing commercial to luck as Taco Bell has another commercial that brings a smile to my face every time that I see it. The viewer believes they're watching a commercial about a taco, but in reality, it's a commercial about a better lifestyle. The taco is the quintessence of this lifestyle.

This commercial promotes the new Double Decker. Yes, a new Double Decker. Somehow, the masterminds at Taco Bell took their best item on the menu and made it better. Here is the video for those unfamiliar with the advertisement:

What sets this commercial apart from the crappy commercials with babies talking about investing and some white guy rapping about his cell phone service is that there is actually deep meaning within this commercial. In just 30 seconds, Taco Bell conveys a utopia, a dream world where different groups of people come together as one. We could only be so lucky to live in this place.

The first thing that is conveyed is the socioeconomic equality within this commercial. Here they are at a fancy cocktail party, but instead of having sushi or some fancy finger food, they go with 89 cent Cheesy Double Deckers. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, wealth has no advantages in this world.

Next up is that different races are able to mix together.

These two gals are having a great time, and the color of their skin does not matter. Everyone can enjoy a Cheesy Double Decker.

I actually found this third example of overall equality much later than the others. This commercial actually conveys that this world is completely tolerant of both hetero and homosexual relationships. Don't believe me? Check out this screen shot:

On the right, we have the traditional (although with mixed races) heterosexual relationship. The left side of the screen very clearly shows two well-dressed gentlemen enjoying each other's company. It's the perfect world, so they do not need to hide from the world. In Cheesy Double Decker Land, all life decisions are encouraged, as long as they lead to happiness. Obviously, a lot of religious zealots are not fond of the homosexual lifestyle, but Taco Bell has them in mind as well. Our Winning Taco Guy points the taco to draw attention to the normal relationship on his left (the viewer's right), so the deeply religious people can live in Cheesy Double Decker Land without having to worry about the evils (in their opinion) of homosexuality.

But the equality that pops out at even the most casual observer is that beautiful people and normal looking people are all together in this world without judgment on outward appearance. Now that's not to say that the people in this commercial are not trying; they are, but since nobody is judged on outward appearance, their effort comes from their own personal satisfaction as opposed to trying to conform to societal norms.

But what about the non-beautiful people? Well, just look at who is the most normal looking person. It's the guy who is celebrating his "Winning" Taco. He represents us. He is living our dream, as he has been placed in this utopia for no other reason but to obtain the maximum satisfaction from life. And he's achieving that. How many times have you been as happy as he is when he discovers his winning taco? Probably not too many. And that leads us to the most interesting screenshot of the entire commercial:

You see, although he finds this winner of Double Decker Tacos, it's not him that is the winner; it's the world. Hence, he holds out the taco, because he wants to share this amazing discovery with the viewer. And that is where the Cheesy Double Decker becomes so important to this commercial. We can't live in this world, but in a small way, we can bring this world to us.

The Cheesy Double Decker is a perfect utopia that has been brought to our normal existence. The meat is the rich people's source of protein while beans represent the poor person's source. The soft shell represents the white race, while the hard shell with its darker pigment represents all the races combining with the whites in perfect harmony. Although two cheeses coming together may seem unconventional, it is not only accepted, but encouraged in the Cheesy Double Decker. And the lettuce? It signifies normalcy in a world of beautiful flavors, because just like in this utopia, there's room for a little bit of everything in the Cheesy Double Decker.

Taco Bell isn't selling a Taco; they're selling a better life..and I'm buying.

-Joe

P.S. Here is another awesome Taco Bell commercial. The introduction of the Double Decker.

Jose Canseco Is Back In Baseball

Jose has done it again. He has proved the haters wrong. When he said he wanted to play professional baseball, people laughed at him and said he would never be able to play the game he loved again. When he decided that he could be a great manager if given the opportunity, people told him the only thing he could manage was a steroids cycle.

So what does Jose go out and do? Well, he doesn't become just a player. And he doesn't become just a manager. Yep, Jose Canseco is the player-manager of the Yuma Scorpions of the North American Baseball League. To top it off, he found the most trustworthy bench coach/outfielder out there when he hired his twin brother, Ozzie Canseco to help him win a championship.

Haters are going to hate, but Jose never lets them get him down. When he said he would be the first player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a single season, he did it. When he said he was going to save the game of baseball from steroids, he did it. And now, when he said he would play the game he loved again, and someday manage for a team as well, he did it. It's time to stop the Jose hatred, step back, and applaud the man for persevering against all odds.

Congratulations Jose. Now only one question remains. Will a Major League Baseball team try to sign him as a player or a manager first? I think they'd be wise to kill two birds with one Jose.

-Joe

P.S. One person who would never be dumb enough to doubt Jose Canseco is also a man who has better poems than Shakespeare. Yes, here is another amazing video from The Genius:

Jenkem: A Shitty High

I am absolutely fascinated at the lengths that people will go to just to get messed up. I really thought that i-Dosing would be the weirdest thing way that people were getting high, but Jenkem takes a shit on that idea. During a fantasy baseball e-mail exchange, a friend notified me of this new huffing phenomenon that was able to get people high. They have moved past huffing glue, paint, or Pam, and have moved onto something much more vile.

Jenkem, or as the kids are calling it, butt hash, is the act of mixing urine and fecal matter into a bottle. You then put a balloon over the top of the bottle and wait. When the gas fills up the balloon, you carefully remove it from the bottle and huff the gas giving you a pooptastic high that is similar to cocaine with hallucinations. Jenkem sounds like the shit.

Fox News, always reliable, reported this story:

I know what you're thinking: Who would huff their own poop? As much as I wish I could tell you differently, the answer is apparently very few people. A New Zealand news report proves it as a myth, although some idiot teenagers did try it after seeing the news report, because teenagers are dumb and easily influenced.

Although the fact that this is a myth is very disappointing, you can still show your friends the Fox News report and try to trick them into trying it. They probably won't get high, but I'm assuming you'll see some hilarious projective vomit.

-Joe

P.S. Although Jenkem is a myth, Derrick Rose's greatness is not. Here is an excellent story about Derrick Rose growing up.