Suits Power Rankings - Buried Secrets

So where did we leave off? Harvey locked down Scotty in the most noncommital way ever, which is just top-notch work. Jessica wants Mike to stop dating Rachel, because it is messing with her business, but she needs to learn that you can't fight the moonlight. Louis is now suspicious that Mike did not go to Harvard, because he's not in their master records. I'm also pretty sure all the British people are gone, but they can be shifty, so I can't say for sure. Also, Harold be Harold.

Also, a disappointing note. I just binge watched Game of Thrones, and I really missed out on some good jokes from last season. I would have definitely said something witty like, "Edward Darby clearly has no balls" when he got owned by Harvey. Or I could have said, "Why doesn't Ava Hessington just let this go like she did with Jamie Lannister?" I guarantee a few of you would have had some chuckles, so I apologize for missing out on those opportunities. Anyway, onto the rankings:

1. Dana Scott - That's right; we're starting with a lady at the top of the rankings. She got a 10% signing bonus for being less of a pain in the ass than Harvey, so I now have a new negotiating technique for my next job offer. Most importantly, she signed Michael Phelps, which seemed pretty easy. Honestly, if I had a meeting with Scotty, I cannot tell you all of the things I would agree to. She's also got her man paying her bills, so really, life is pretty damn great for Scotty.

2. Mr. Ross - Mike's Dad loved to party for any occasion. Also, on his first date with his future wife, he got so drunk that he spilled his drink on her, and "forgot her wallet" so she had to pay. Baller status achieved.

3. Harvey Specter - I just want to point out that Harvey's pajamas are nicer than the clothes I usually go out to dinner in. Harvey wants Dana to work at the firm, because he thinks their relationship has staying power. Love makes people do silly things. Silliest is that Harvey paid a half million dollars to continue sleeping with Scotty, which, uh, wow, she must be dynamite in the sack.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is pissed that Harvey is offering his bangpiece jobs at the law firm without consulting her. Still, as long as she gets her 500 Gs, she's cool with just about anything. I can't blame her for that.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is obsessed with beating Rinaldi, and he's not going to let peanuts come into his deposition. He straight up owns the expert witness, and then proves that the guy who died basically killed himself by drinking champagne. That's a power move, but not understanding the difference between drinks and drunk is a tad childish. He could have just as easily blamed his Dad's reflexes on it being late at night and him being tired. Still, he ended his evening with Rachel and sushi, so things could be worse for him.

6. Rachel Zane - Critiquing furniture as an excuse to move in together is a little passive aggressive for my tastes. She wastes a lot of time lighting candles when she really could have just put on that outfit and been done with her seduction techniques. She is only this high on the list for superficial reasons.

7. Sheila Sass - Wonderfully anal. She can also be bad, as she figuratively and possibly literally beat the shit out of Louis.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is concerned that Mike may have gone to a third-tier law school like Arizona State, and his impression of Arizona State students is shockingly accurate. Might be able to learn from them college kids on avoiding a Black Hawk Down situation. He disturbingly had his erect penis referred to as The Dark Knight Rises, so is Louis's penis horribly bruised and discolored? Whatever they do in their sex life, count me out.

9. Michael Phelps - Turned down Harvey as his lawyer, but got seduced by Scotty. Can't blame him for that.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna throws Louis off Mike's scent but doesn't really get hers. She's just a secondary character these days. Maybe she can start dating Michael Phelps.

11. Nick Rinaldi - The man who only gave Mike's family a few dollars for his parents' lives. He apologized, so he thought him and Mike were cool. Apparently not. He also calls Mike "son" which is a pretty great power move. He also showed Mike that his Dad had two drinks the night that they got killed by a drunk driver. Still, he lost the case, and he may be the least impressive lawyer that has ever been on the show.

12. Professor Girard - Never gets A+, because he's an old douche.

13. Rebecca Carlin - Slept with Harvey when she thought he was gay. Then had to get medicine for crabs because of Scotty's lies. Mentally struggles with itchy vagina to this day.

The Value of Vanity

I have always been a huge supporter of self-confidence, and not just confidence, but flat out cockiness. This has manifested in my personality. I love me some me, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm also self-aware, and I understand that I am an incredibly vain person.

Don't get me wrong, I very much enjoy looking at beautiful women, but following closely behind (and it is a very close race) is staring at myself in the mirror. I adjust my body to different angles to find out where my muscles pop the most. I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing this.

None of what I have mentioned is inherently good, but my vanity is the main reason I am in shape. I love popping my shirt off and enjoying the view, so my wife is a lucky lady to get that same view.

Basically, all I am saying is that if you are superficial when it comes to looks, you should pursue people who are vain, because they are far more likely to stay in shape than people who stay in shape for sports. Sports go away, vanity is forever.

Scouting the 2014 NFL Draft: AJ McCarron

AJ McCarron is the white sportswriter's dream. A quarterback (because other positions don't matter). A white quarterback (because white people don't have athleticism, so they must survive on grit and determination). A white quarterback who is a winner (you gotta be a winner). A white quarterback who is a winner with an attractive girlfriend (the girlfriend helps them fill out their word count). He's everything they could hope for, and they don't need to watch a single snap to know that he is what is right with quarterbacks. None of this is his fault, unless you want to blame him for having an attractive girlfriend, which I am not about to do. To win multiple national championships, you have to have an incredibly gifted quarterback, ideally one of the best 100 in the world, and AJ McCarron is no exception. But how good is he? Can he be a winner in the NFL? I was curious to find out, so I looked at the BCS National Championship game against Notre Dame, the shootout against Texas A+M, and his less heralded game against Virginia Tech.

One thing that surprised me was how good McCarron was at throwing on the move. He did a few designed rollouts and would occasionally roll out to avoid pressure and he showed really nice accuracy while on the move.

This is a nice ball where he leads his receiver to help him gain additional yardage after the catch.

The biggest issue that I noticed with McCarron is his accuracy, especially on short-to-intermediate routes. He was very inconsistent in properly leading receivers and a lot of times he gave his receiver no chance to make a play. This should be an easy throw as his man has his defender beat towards the middle of the field on the slant. Instead, AJ McCarron misses and throws it behind his receiver.

The only good news is that it was such a bad throw that the defender was unable to make a play on it.

This wasn't a one time issue either as he was very inconsistent on routes that should be routine.

There is no reason for him to be missing his receiver that badly on that short of a throw. Those are both easy throws and necessities to be even a competent quarterback in the NFL. The fact that he can miss this badly on short throws is a huge red flag.

Another question I have about him is his ability to quickly scan the field. He never really had to do this at Alabama, since his first option was almost always open. On the rare times that he wasn't, he usually had enough protection to not be in a hurry. There were a few cases where he was caught holding onto the ball too long in the Virginia Tech game, but from the sideline view, it is really hard to see if this is a vision issue or just very good coverage from the Tech secondary.

This is a great toss by McCarron that shows what type of talent he has with his arm.

This is a really nice throw 20 yards downfield right along the sideline. He actually looks better in that 15-20 yard range than he does in the 5-10 yard range.

He looks a little awkward when throwing this deep ball, but he does a nice job of placing them. He lays this right into the receiver's hands for an easy touchdown.

Still, his deep ball definitely floats a little bit as he doesn't drive through when delivering the ball. He didn't need to on this throw as there was no safety to come over the top. Still he shows good deep ball accuracy that is better than most college quarterbacks.

This was probably my favorite play from McCarron. He does a nice job of avoiding the pressure with a simple step to his left. He also originally was looking left, but after the rusher had passed, he looked to his right and fired a beautiful pass to a wide open receiver for a touchdown.

That is him showing the peak of all of his best qualities, all in one play. When he does stuff like that, it is easy to see why people get excited.

I was a little surprised from what I saw of the McCarron tape. It is surprisingly blah. His arm strength is fine, but it's not great. His awareness was fine, as he moved well in the pocket, but did not seem to do much of a job at scanning the field when his original target was covered. His accuracy was disappointing in the short-to-intermediate routes, yet it was more impressive as he threw it further down the field. Since I can't really decide what type of leader he is unless he somehow reads this post and wants to refute anything (invitation is open, AJ), I can't put much stock in that one way or the other. But when it comes to the package that I see on tape, I come away from it very uninspired. I'm putting him between Mettenberger and Boyd, and I believe he is much closer to the latter. I probably wouldn't feel comfortable spending a pick on him until the 5th round, as his inconsistent accuracy really worries me about his chances of succeeding in the NFL.

Here are my quarterback rankings for the prospects I have looked at so far:
1. Teddy Bridgewater - Louisville
2. Blake Bortles - Central Florida
3. Jimmy Garoppolo - Eastern Illinois
4. Zach Mettenberger - Louisiana State
5. AJ McCarron - Alabama
6. Tajh Boyd - Clemson
7. David Fales - San Jose State
8. Logan Thomas - Virginia Tech
9. Brett Smith - Wyoming
10. Aaron Murray - Georgia

Cesaro vs. Zayn IV Was The Match Both Guys Needed

No real introduction needed. Cesaro/Zayn IV was an incredible match on NXT ArRIVAL, and you should sign up for the WWE Network to watch it. Now onto why this match was so great.

Number one, it was an awesome match. It was a far different match than their 2-out-of-3 falls match, but it was right up there in quality.

Number two, it made sense. Going into the match, I thought Zayn was probably a slight favorite in my head, because he needed this match, and Cesaro was dismissing him as he knew he was better. That's almost always a recipe for the underdog triumphing, but in this case, the underdog didn't deserve to triumph. Since they had that match, Cesaro has turned into a monster who beat the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Randy Orton, did serious damage in an Elimination Chamber, and nearly beat John Cena. Meanwhile, Sami Zayn's most notable matches are losing to Bo Dallas, barely beating Leo Kruger by rollup, and then getting beat by Adrian Neville.

Clearly, Cesaro is on the upswing, and Zayn has just been stagnating, and the match reflected that beautifully. In their last match, the offense was pretty even for both guys and Cesaro just barely edged him. In this match, Zayn got some offense, because he's still great, but Cesaro dominated the match. The perfect example of that was Zayn going for his dive through the ropes spinning DDT (which, if you haven't seen it, is just as awesome as it sounds). In the first match, he nails Cesaro with it, and it's phenomenal. Everybody is looking for that move to happen again, and Zayn is set up perfectly for it. He dives through the ropes to catch Cesaro, but instead Cesaro absolutely destroys him with a European uppercut. Right there, in that single move, it showed that Zayn is great, but Cesaro is better.

In the end, Zayn showed that he's one of the toughest guys out there when it comes to punishment, but Cesaro got to show that he was better. People who had never watched NXT before still get to see that Cesaro is on the rise and that this Sami Zayn character is super tough but not quite on the same level as the best guys on the main roster. That totally makes sense. Cesaro should win that match, and Zayn still looks great by being dynamic in the ring and tougher than nails. It wasn't as important that he lost, because a WWE crowd can get behind tough guys. Mankind was mostly known for taking insane beatings until he got over. Zayn isn't a big guy, so he's always going to be somewhat of an underdog, so if he has an insane ability to fight through pain, it's a much more important building block than a single win over Cesaro could be for him.

This is the match that both guys needed, and I loved every second of it. 

Juan Pablo Is Clearly A Sociopath

Did you see The Bachelor last night? If you didn't, you should do that right now. I'll wait...okay. OMG, right? Andi made it to the last three and eliminated herself, because she realized that Juan Pablo didn't give a shit about her. This was one of the all-time great episodes of The Bachelor, as it was a fascinating look into personalities and how they can conflict. I've been on #TeamAndi since the first episode, so I would be on her side no matter what happened, but it's pretty clear that Juan Pablo is a sociopath, more specifically, he's Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We'll get to that later; let's start with my precious Andi.

Andi wanted to fall in love. That's why she was on this show. And she had some great times where it felt magical, because she got to go on ridiculously expensive trips and have dream dates all the time. Unfortunately, they used the fantasy suite to talk, and Juan Pablo only talked about himself and didn't show any concern for what type of person Andi is. He said he thought it was a great night (we'll dive into that more later), but Andi had one of the worst nights of her life. Because of that, she decided to talk more to tell him that he doesn't feel that he cares about her, which seems likely since he said that she was only there by default (Juan Pablo claimed that he didn't use the word default, but he also said that homosexuality was perverted, and I'm guessing he would deny using that word had it not been recorded). But Juan Pablo tried to be nice and say that it was okay that she was leaving. This angered Andi, and she kept badgering him. Was this the best move? No, it was not, but she had felt something for Juan Pablo before that, and she wanted him to show some sort of emotion. Juan Pablo did not give her the satisfaction, and she went in the limo and said she was still looking for true love. ABC, if she is not the next Bachelorette, I will be a one man riot.

Now onto Juan Pablo and why he is a sociopath. Juan Pablo has been very image conscience this entire show. I really feel that nearly every elimination has been calculated and not in the sense of love, but more in the sense of public perception. I could write a whole article about the order of women being eliminated from the show, but I'm not going to unless there is public demand for it. Still, last night was the definition of sociopathic behavior. I can tell, because I am like 90% sociopath (I control my emotions, but my wife has gotten through my hard exterior to make me more of a human being). The easiest way to sum up Juan Pablo's behavior is that he wasn't a human being, he was someone pretending to be a human being. A human being shows empathy, and when they make someone feel like shit, they feel remorse; instead, he told Andi it was okay and tried to put the blame on her. This obviously angered Andi, and the fact that he was a stone cold when it came to emotions definitely drove her a little crazy. He gave her absolutely nothing. And this, from a man, who has cried after eliminating like the last 8 girls, didn't give even a sniffle for Andi. In the acts of sociopaths, that was a work of art. I was impressed, because Juan Pablo basically showed that he's Dennis Reynolds.


And even after she had left, he said that he would not have let her stay even if she had wanted to. This is A+ work, because he is still trying to make it appear as if he was the one who dumped her. This is a total power play from him, and power is incredibly important to him. He doesn't want arguments in his life. This man is looking for a submissive wife, and his remaining two contestants fit that profile. Clearly, Nikki wins, because she met his daughter, so at that point, she was already the winner of the show. She's basically just a younger version of Clare with a better job, so yeah, Clare has no shot.

I am left with one question. Did Andi and Juan Pablo have sex? It's a fascinating question from both ends. Juan Pablo thought they had a great night, and if you are in a fantasy suite with no sex, that is not going to equal a great night. Replace boat with fantasy suite in this video, and you basically have Juan Pablo.


Andi said she hated the night, because of the talk, which would imply that they did not have sex. Still, they could have gone right back to the room, had sex, and then started to just hang out. Still, I'm leaning towards them not having sex. Since Juan Pablo is a sociopath, I believe it was a calculated move to talk about how great a night they had talking, when in fact, he was going to eliminate Andi for not giving up the nookie. He can't come out and say it wasn't a great night, because they didn't have sex, because that would set a bad example for his daughter, and the general public wouldn't like him as much. In the end, everything he does is part of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

Scouting the 2014 NFL Draft: David Fales

David Fales is a very interesting prospect as people were very excited for him to come back this year and solidify his spot as one of the top quarterbacks in the draft. He went out and nearly duplicated his Junior season (his only real dropoff was completion percentage which went from a ridiculously high 72.5 to a still very solid 64.1) and everybody seemed to downgrade him. Also weird is that there are no 2013 game tapes on YouTube, but half of his season from 2012 is up there. Since I had not heard of any significant step forward that he made this past season, I took a look at his 2012 tape of his games against Stanford and BYU.

The mental side of the game is definitely a strength for Fales. He shows that he can smoothly work through his reads on this throw over the middle.

He starts off looking to his left, sees that his receiver is covered, then calmly bounces his feet to focus on the middle and throws a nice ball up the seam.

Fales does a really nice job of trusting his blocking on this play. He tries to stick with the deep route as long as possible, sees it is not going to happen, and then quickly looks to his right and fires a nice pass for a first down.

That sort of patience is an incredibly value asset for a quarterback to possess.

With that pocket presence, he also moves very well inside the pocket. Here he makes a nice move to avoid the rush, give himself space, and make a play.

This isn't a throw that is going to wow people, but considering he is on the move, throwing a well placed ball on the short route is very nice.

He's not going to wow teams with his athleticism, but he makes the most of his moves. On this play, he shows his maximum shiftiness, but it's a nice gain for him when nobody was open.

His awareness helps his mobility play up since he rarely wastes steps and knows the best ways to move when he is under duress.

The next play is an intermediate route where Fales successfully threads the needle. He does this with accuracy, as the lack of arm strength nearly gives the Stanford defender a chance to make an interception.

I'm still not sure how that pass was completed. The ball goes right through the defender's hands into his receivers.

I really love the anticipation here, as he knows his receiver is going to curl back right at the goal line, so he throws it so it arrives as the receiver is turning around in front of the cornerback who had coverage over the top.

The replay really shows the greatness of the timing of the throw and delivering it right to the receiver's chest makes it an easy touchdown.

He does a very nice job with intermediate throws as he places the ball right where it needs to be.

His receiver does get some separation on the out route, but Fales puts the ball on the outside shoulder so the defender has no chance of making a play and his receiver can pick up the first down.

Here is a deep ball that illustrates the worries that teams are going to have with Fales. Arm strength. On this pass, the ball flutters in the air and takes a long time to get to his intended receiver. Look at how the ball hangs in the air, and receiver has to slow down for it.

Yes, the receiver should have made the catch and had a touchdown, but that was more from the coverage falling down than the pass being great.

Here is the problem with a lack of arm strength. This receiver has a small opening over the top of the cornerback before the safety is over the top of the route. Fales sees that opening and throws the ball there.
Unfortunately, it hangs in the air far too long and the safety gets an easy interception.

These are the sort of windows that are common in the NFL, and this is why people are going to doubt Fales.

It's throws like this one that makes me want to believe in Fales. It's not wow arm strength, but it looks like enough on this throw over the middle.

It is thrown right as the receiver breaks towards the middle, and it is placed perfectly which saves his receiver from taking a big shot from the safety.

This was my favorite throw that I saw from Fales.

It's a throw like this that gives me hope.

Fales reminds me of quarterbacks that I've loved too much in the past. The name that comes to mind for me is Greg McElroy. The question that I struggle with when I look back is whether McElroy has not put it together in the NFL because of arm strength or whether I overrated him due to being surrounded by studs at the college level. Fales does not have to worry about the latter problem as San Jose State is not quite the football powerhouse that Alabama is. Still, I keep coming back to that arm strength. At times, it looks fine, but that's the high end of where his arm can be, just okay. Arm strength isn't everything, but there is still a minimum level that almost always must be met. On top of the arm strength issue, he is only an average athlete and has one of the lowest ceilings of any quarterback in this draft. But, he has accuracy, good pocket presence, and makes smart decisions with the football. Those are highly desirable qualities in a quarterback, but I still don't think it's enough to be any more than a late round pick.

Here are my quarterback rankings for the prospects I have looked at so far:
1. Teddy Bridgewater - Louisville
2. Blake Bortles - Central Florida
3. Jimmy Garoppolo - Eastern Illinois
4. Zach Mettenberger - Louisiana State
5. Tajh Boyd - Clemson
6. David Fales - San Jose State
7. Logan Thomas - Virginia Tech
8. Brett Smith - Wyoming
9. Aaron Murray - Georgia

Daggering

I am a fervent supporter of West Coast Dance, as, when it comes to the artistic side of dance, I don't think it gets any more beautiful than well executed West Coast Dance moves. Up until now, I have also found it to be the most entertaining form of dance, but like all great art forms, West Coast Dance has evolved. Jamaicans have clearly seen a man sitting on the floor playing air piano, or seen a girl turned upside down and her hair used to mop the floor; they probably even saw a man use a broom and a sweeper to push poor dancers off to the side to give more room for true West Coast Dancers. They saw this and were inspired. These brave Jamaicans have made it their own and created Daggering.

When I first saw this video on World Star Hip Hop, my jaw was agape throughout the entire thing and for most of the hour that followed. I went to YouTube to find more, and I found this extended version that has changed my entire world view.

If you have never seen Daggering, let me just warn you: You're not ready. I have seen some crazy shit on the dance floor, and I was not ready for what I saw. There were times where I literally started screaming in excitement, because they went to places I could only dream of. The entire video is amazing, but I wanted to break down my favorite parts.

Let's start off with a gentleman spinning his lady around until losing his balance and sending her head first into the floor.

That girl is not moving, so the guy does the gentlemanly thing and covers her head with his hat. The thing I love about this is that there was no way he was going to stop spinning until he fell to the floor and gave this girl a concussion. Also, I'd like to point out that there is a walker just hanging out on the dance floor. Learning lessons from West Coast Dance, props play a huge part in Daggering.

This next one is pretty amazing. This guy finds a woman with the full intention to abuse her. Like, he seemingly just picks this woman completely at random and decides, "Yep, I'm about to fuck up your back." He finds a pole for the girl to hold onto, then finds a fast food trash receptacle, and then...well, then magic happens.

He gives her a big splash. Then he swings around on the pole to get back on his perch and just kind of jumps off to the side. But he spins one more time around to get on the trash can and proceeds to jump with all of his might on her back and ride her like a pony. The most amazing part is that this girl seems unfazed by the entire thing. That Jamaican chick is straight up country strong.

Just a middle of the dance floor face hump, no big deal.

As you can tell, people are very excited by this maneuver.

Next we have a guy who climbs on top of the speakers to do a big splash on not one, not two, but three women who are lying on a table on top of each other.

There are wrestlers in the WWE who would be unwilling to take these bumps. And on top of that, it ends with a different guy beating a girl with a belt, and then choking her with it. That's a little extreme, even for me, but that's just how they Dagger down south.

All you need to know is that this next video is of a man powerbombing a large woman onto another large woman.

Notice how I said that these were women? These ain't no girls. These are grown ass women. The girl who got powerbombed popped right back up, despite her ass hanging out of her pants. And the girl lying on the ground knew that something bad was going to happen to her, and she took it like a champ. Oh, but we've saved her shining moment for last.

A guy uses a step ladder to give this woman a splash and then violently humps her. That's pretty awesome, but what happens after made my jaw drop, and I have not been able to shut my mouth since. Just watch, because nothing can prepare you for what happens next.

HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA I REPEAT: HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA. I have so many questions.

1. Was there a car battery at the dance floor?
2. If not, who had the idea to bring one?
3. Did they take it from their own car?
4. Did they steal it from another car?
5. Did they know that they were going to hook it to a woman's vagina that night?
6. Was it a conscience decision to hook up the positive end?
7. Is this because vaginas are a positive thing, so it only makes sense to go positive to positive?
8. Would something different have happened had he hooked up the negative end?
9. Is the negative end reserved for buttholes?
10. Finally, are they going to put the battery back in the car that they got it from or is it seen as the cost of great Daggering?

Whoever did this, thank you. Thank you so much, because sometimes I doubt that the world can ever truly create anything new and wonderful. And then I saw this, and I rejoiced, because innovation isn't running out of energy, it's being hooked to car batteries and creating the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I got married five months ago, and Daggering is right up there as the best thing to happen to me in the last year.

Who's down for a trip to Jamaica?

Yo Ladies, I Have Thoughts On The Bachelor

I know what you are thinking. The Bachelor is a girl's show, not a guy's show. I admit, I thought the same thing. Then I started watching it with my SO, and I love it. There are lots of good looking women and nearly every episode they get in bikinis. That is cool stuff that guys like. I like that too, but oh man, do I love the drama, and holy shit are things heating up right now. Juan Pablo be droppin' ladies left and right and occasionally, a lady will drop him too. It's been awesome. He's down to four ladies, so let's review the important characters that are left.

Chris Harrison - He hosts the show. He does a fine job. Occasionally he'll talk to Juan Pablo. We very rarely learn anything important from these talks. Yep, that's about all there is to say about Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo - The first non-Caucasian bachelor. He's bringing in the latino market, since he's a former Venezuelan soccer player. Well, I mean, he's still Venezuelan, but he doesn't play soccer anymore. Actually, he does still play soccer, but not professionally. Oh, and he has a daughter that he loves very much but is willing to abandon for a month to be on a reality show (twice, since he also did this as a contestant on The Bachelorette). The thing about bachelors is that they are not allowed to have much personality, and he plays this part fairly well. He supports the ladies emotionally, but he also does creepy stuff like make girls get naked with him after knowing them for a week. Seriously, he made two girls get naked with him and used the excuse of saving animals. But trust me, dude, animals don't care about naked chicks. You were just being a perv. But, just so you know, most bachelors are creeps; he might be above average on the creep level, but he's not an outlier.

Clare - If you pronounce it and it rhymes with bar, you will sound like Juan Pablo. I watch this show with my wife and sister-in-law, and I like to pick a favorite during the first episode (We'll get to mine later). These idiots waited until the third episode and picked Clare. By the fourth episode, they wanted to switch their picks, because Clare is pretty terrible. She's very attractive, and she definitely finished off Juan Pablo in the ocean at 4:00 AM, but what part of her body she used will remain a mystery (my money is on shoulder blades...think about it). Outside of that, she just kind of whines a lot, because Juan Pablo regrets getting finished off in the ocean with a camera crew around. The best part of these exchanges is that Clare wants him to admit what they did, but he will only respond with "You know what we did," because he doesn't want to talk about sex with his daughter watching the show. It's awkward and glorious.

Nikki - This is the other girl that girls seem to hate. She's pretty dumb too, and Clare and her hate each other. They come across as very similar. Seriously, just take out the sex in the ocean and replace it with...has really blonde hair and you have Nikki. There doesn't appear to be much going on between the ears with this one, but again, very attractive.

Renee - This is who the girls all cheer for. She has a kid as well, so she will also likely not be in the running for parent of the year. Seriously, how do people make this decision? I'm going to abandon my kid for a month and probably lose my job, because I can't imagine employers are psyched to have people go on a reality show and skip all of their actual responsibilities. But, honestly, Renee comes across as the best person on this show. She is nice to everybody. She consoles all the girls when they are being idiots, and overall just hasn't done anything wrong throughout this entire show. Still, she has no chance of winning. Renee is objectively a very attractive woman, but when it comes to the ladies of The Bachelor, she's in a distant fourth place. In a real-life scenario, she is a far better catch than Nikki or Clare, but since all these people are doing is drinking and taking exotic vacations, personality is not going to make up the difference. I'm sorry, Renee.

Andi - Oh, be still my beating heart. Andi was my pick from the very first episode. I straight up love women in power, and she's an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta. I saw her walking with a purpose, and my only thought was "Yep." You know how married couples have people they can cheat on their spouse with guilt-free. Mine are Bachelor contestants. I'm a realist. I'm not going to be running into celebrities anytime soon, and unless they really like pro wrestling or scouting football prospects, we're probably not going to have much in common. But these are normal chicks, and Andi, ooh girl, we could have a good time. That I promise. I'm already imagining our foreplay of breaking down episodes of Suits. I get hot just thinking about it.

What does she bring to the table besides being a law-lady? Well, she's super attractive, and she comes across as a real person. Remember how I told you about how Juan Pablo made two ladies get naked with him? One of them was a hippy who had already been naked for most of the show, and the other was Andi. She was pissed off, because it was pretty shady, but she still did it because she's a trooper and loves puppies. I'm still pretty steamed at JP for doing this to my special lady (well, special lady may be a bit extreme. I mean, I am married. She's more of a theoretical slampiece, but she's still very important to me). She's basically avoided the drama, seems to have a solid head on her shoulder and we also learned that she can't dance. That girl is stiff as a board. Luckily, West Coast Dance brings out the best in all ladies, so I got you covered, Andi Candy (that's a nickname I'm workshopping right now).

So that brings me to the previews for next week, which can be found here. It's only two minutes, so I'll wait.

Okay, so if you watched it, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, all you need to know is my girl Andi said, "Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite."

Which was followed by Chris Harrison saying, "What happens in the fantasy suite doesn't stay in the fantasy suite...what went horribly wrong?"

What do you think Juan Pablo did? My guess is that he tried to pull a Kobe Bryant, and she had to fight him off. My much more realistic guess is that he called her another woman's name in the fantasy suite. Either way, I can't wait to find out.

So, yeah, as you can tell, I have thought on The Bachelor.