Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Why I Got Rid of Cable

My wife and I recently moved, and I finally decided it was time to get rid of cable. Now, it wasn't to switch to dish, because I'm pretty sure that sucks even worse. I no longer have a television provider, and I think I am going to be happy with the decision.

The thing that really helped me is that I'm cheap, and cable is super expensive. But the moving really pushed it over the edge as we were no longer able to keep Verizon FIOS which was actually pretty solid for my needs, and Bright House does not have a good cable package for somebody like me. 

Anyway, outside of sporting events, there isn't a whole lot of television that I actually watch live. I DVR normal shows, because then I don't have to wait through commercials. Now, I can just go to network websites and sit through limited commercials. It's certainly not worth paying $80 a month to not have any commercials in my life for scripted television.

So what am I missing out on at this point? Just sports. I like sports a whole bunch, so I will miss it. Now there are some less than legal means in finding sports streamed live online, but even that only covers the major sports. It's going to be quite a bit more difficult to find somebody streaming the Iowa/Minnesota wrestling meet on a Saturday night in the middle of winter (not that winter makes it harder to stream, but I thought it made the sentence sound more important). But that's really all I'm going to be totally missing out on, and $80 for BTN seems just a tad steep.

The Internet is changing the game, and it's time for an old cable supporter like myself to change with it. Yes, sports will be more difficult to watch, but looking at the cost/benefit of having cable, it became clear that it was time for a change. And if you don't like sports, what are you waiting for? You could get Amazon Prime, Netflix, and Hulu Plus for about $25 a month, which should take care of your every want and need. 

tl:dr version of this: I might miss some Iowa wrestling meets, but I'm cheap and saving money.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Which Dungeon of Doom Member Sucked The Most Ass?

Every video of WCW is the crown jewel of the WWE Network. I seriously cannot stress this enough. I've been going through early episodes of Nitro and reliving the golden era of the Dungeon of Doom, and man, they are terrible. Like, seriously, they suck so hard. I have been internalizing these thoughts, but it's time to really go through and answer the question that has plagued mankind for 20 years, which Dungeon of Doom member sucked the most ass?

Now you may think you know just off the top of your head who sucked the most ass in the Dungeon of Doom. You're probably thinking The Shark, but you are so off base. The Shark isn't even in the top half of sucking ass when it comes to the Dungeon. Now, don't get me wrong, The Shark definitely sucked ass, but that just shows the level of ass sucking that the Dungeon of Doom was able to achieve. Let's get to the list.

21. Meng
Meng would rip my eye out and feed it to me if I told him he sucked ass, so Meng, you definitely don't suck ass. You are terrifying and wonderful.

20. Lex Luger
Somehow, Lex Luger's short run with the Dungeon of Doom spawned the greatest Lex Luger ever, and that should never stop being appreciated.

19. Big Van Vader
Vader was in this for a short time, and he was out before it got really stupid. Also, Vader is awesome, and the WWE should have used him better.

18. The Giant
Yeah, he really didn't suck ass at all. He was actually pretty great right from the beginning. He was a super athletic giant dude who was actually strong enough to pull off legitimate chokeslams. I feel like The Giant/Big Show is one of the most underrated wrestlers ever. He has gotten stuck doing some goofy bullshit over the years, but even while he was doing it; if a week later he came out and was a dominant monster, I would totally believe it. But he definitely should have stuck with the chokeslam; bragging about learning "punch" is not that impressive.

17. Konnan
You may think this is a controversial selection for member who sucked the least ass, but just here me out. This was a stable made up of mythical creatures that would terrify their opponents. What was Konnan's mythical gimmick? Ah, you see, he was just a Mexican, which made him the scariest member of all. Honestly, most of WCW's southeastern fan base was more likely to bump into a Yeti than a real-life Mexican gangster.

16. The Shark
Just the fact that The Shark was one of the guys who sucked the least ass shows you how awful the rest of the Dungeon of Doom truly was. But I can't be mad at Earthquake dressed up as a shark, which really just meant that he wore some shark facepaint.

15. Kamala
Kamala was a guy who once he turned into a face, he could never be an effective heel again. Because he was portrayed as a dummy who finally learned how to be good, so once he turned heel again, it was just because he didn't know any better as opposed to wanting to do evil. I can't have any ill will towards Kamala, especially because of his sultry voice...

so it's no wonder he couldn't ever really get heat, which I guess made him a reasonable member of the Dungeon of Doom.

14. The Taskmaster
This is one of the toughest guys to figure out, despite him being the face of the Dungeon of Doom for their entire existence. Like, clearly, he sucked some ass, but looking back, he kind of had some moments of brilliance. He was smart enough to just get giant dudes to throw at Hogan while avoiding a confrontation himself for as long as he possibly could. But man, the Dungeon of Doom was around for a really long time, and they completely stopped making sense once the nWo hit, but they still stuck around for another six months. They talked about change for their entire existence, but all they did was lose, everything stayed the same, and they kept going back to the same talking points. Basically, The Taskmaster was miniaturized Bray Wyatt. You always think there could be more, but they never seem to show it, and it's an endless cycle of sucking ass.

13. The Barbarian
Pretty cool name, but he just kind of existed. I'm sure you could convince a lot of people The Barbarian was The Warlord. Overall, Barbarian seemed to only exist to give Meng a friend. Aw, shit, he's friends with Meng? Barbarian, you're a total badass; ignore your spot on this list.

12. Loch Ness
Loch Ness was a guy near the end of his career, so despite being gigantic, he really couldn't move all that much, which made him fit in perfectly with most of the guys in the Dungeon of Doom. At their core, hey were just a bunch of giant, sometimes mythical creatures that had taken human form. On top of that, shortly after his debut, he was diagnosed with cancer and died a couple years later. He is a guy who got his chance in the US about ten years too late. If he comes in ten years earlier, he's at least having a Big John Studd career, but it wasn't meant to be, and honestly, those types of stories really suck ass.

11. One Man Gang
He was big, but even though he was One Man Gang for most of his career, I have very little memories of anything he did as OMG. I will always remember him as Akeem "The African Dream." As a child, I remember thinking he was just a light-skinned black guy, because that's basically what the WWE told me. Wrestling could have convinced me of anything, and I would have taken it as the gospel truth. I was a very stupid child (shockingly, I'm also a stupid adult).

10. Jimmy Hart
By all accounts, Jimmy Hart seems like a super positive guy who nobody has anything bad to say about. Also, he wrote Shawn Michaels's theme music, so he will always hold a special place in my heart. That being said, he sucked so much ass as a member of the Dungeon of Doom. He managed them and outlawyered Hulk Hogan to get The Giant the title, but he never fit in with the Dungeon of Doom. It's not like he was going to grab an omelette at the Waffle House with Kamala and Hugh Morrus. Hart's greatest strength is hype man, but hyping up doom and gloom just never works. So he jumped around and occasionally used his megaphone, but there was nothing that said Doom about Jimmy Hart.

9. Big Bubba Rogers
Big Bubba Rogers is Big Bossman adjace. Big Bossman was kind of cool. Big Bubba Rogers was not cool at all. Also, not totally sure what he was doing hanging out with The Dungeon of Doom. Like, I can't see him, Z-Gangsta, Konnan, and The Yeti sitting around and doing doomy stuff together. Big Bossman is at his best when he is dragging around other wrestler's dead father's caskets. Big Bossman is at his worst when he's Big Bubba Rogers.

8. The Master
The Master gave orders to The Taskmaster, which just kind of undercut the powers of The Taskmaster. Then The Master disappeared, and we were left with The Taskmaster, and things kind of kept existing, but they weren't able to enter their strange realm that Hulk Hogan once wandered into when he took a wrong turn at the mall. I feel like there should have been other means to that end, but the Dungeon couldn't figure it out.

7. Z-Gangsta
He should probably be higher since he couldn't wrestle to save his life, but I have a soft spot for the co-star of No Holds Barred, so although his wrestling skills sucked ass, he lead to a lot of joy in my life.

6. The Yeti
He was the co-star of Hulk Hogan's first sex tape and never managed to do anything else. I always thought El Gigante could have done more. There is nobody that almost got pushed to incredibly high lengths for a company to decide it was a bad idea and immediately bury the guy. This happened with every single gimmick that he had. This was actually Ron Reis, but the main point remains the same, a there is just no recovering from being a part of the Dungeon of Doom (thanks to @JonahDrama for pointing out my stupidity).

5. The Final Ultimate Solution
Yep, in 1996, WCW was so brain dead that they named a wrestler The Final Solution. Needless to say, Jewish people, and honestly, people in general, found the name to be in poor taste. There's nothing really wrong with the wrestler, he looked like a classic Strongman but never really did anything important, since WCW definitely wanted him to fade away quickly after the naming gaffe. He died about a year after his run in WCW, which gives him something in common with about half of the guys about the Dungeon of Doom. But credit to the Dungeon that someone who reminds people of the Holocaust only ranks fifth on sucking the most ass.

4. Maxx
Max Muscle was too terrible to hang out with early era DDP, so he became Max and joined the Dungeon of Doom. He did nothing of consequence, so I can't put him too high, but it was just a case of, "This guy has nothing to do...put him in the Dungeon of Doom?" Unfortunately the equation of Maxx + Dungeon + ???? = Money did not come to fruition.

3. Braun The Leprechaun
Braun The Leprechaun was basically Giant Hornswoggle. Somehow, that only sucks enough ass to be #3 on this list.

2. Hugh Morrus
Hugh Morrus really sucked ass. I mean, did anybody like Morrus? He was walking around a Riddler singlet, and he was just a fat guy. He jumped off the top rope, but that may be his only redeemable quality. With a name like Hugh Morrus, you would have expected him to be super clever. Yet, not only can I not remember him cutting a promo, YouTube can't even remember him cutting a promo. The only thing "humorous" was that he had a high pitch laugh. That's it. What was your favorite Hugh Morrus match? I think my favorite was the time he beat someone that mattered. Wait, that never happened? I guess I don't have a favorite Hugh Morrus match, because he sucked ass.

1. The Zodiac
God, Zodiac was such shit. I would guess that he was named after the Zodiac Killer, but the Zodiac Killer looked like a sociopathic nerd, which is way more terrifying than it sounds. The Zodiac looked like Brutus The Barber Beefcake with a spiky hairdo. Yeah, not as scary. But, gosh darnit, Brother Bruti was Hogan's friend, and Ed Leslie was going to keep getting roles in pro wrestling because of it. Honestly, good for him. I'm a lifelong Hulkamaniac, and all I've gotten from Hogan is a picture and an autograph, and even that didn't come cheap. But out of all of his gimmicks, Zodiac was the worst. It was the most ass-sucky gimmick in the Dungeon of Doom, and after looking at each guy, that is definitely saying something.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Suits Power Rankings: Give Me Free Stuff, Suits Executives

The Suits Power Rankings are late this week, and there is a very good reason for that. I moved into a new house this week, so we have a bunch of stuff in boxes, and sometimes life gets in the way of watching legal dramas on cable...

Oh yeah, about that cable thing. I have joined the hip, young generation and gotten rid of cable. That means that I won't be able to watch Suits until Hulu Plus posts the episodes. This means the rankings would generally be too late to have the meaning of hitting within 24 hours of the episode actually airing.

So, here is my plea, Suits Executives. Give me advanced screeners of the episodes, and you will dominate the Thursdays on this blog. Do you want some extra early-week content? That could be arranged. I am a man who is willing to negotiate. I want both you and I to come out as winners. I produce the best darn content on the internet to buzz up interest for a show. Am I guaranteeing a spinoff? No, but it certainly wouldn't be out of the question if these power rankings continue.

So, let's make virtual love, Suits. You give me advanced screeners of episodes; I give you kickass content to help you launch, Suits: Chicago, Suits: SVU, and my personal favorite, Suits 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Even the great Harvey Specter couldn't turn down a deal that good.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Nuclear Summer IV is the Pump Up Video You Need

What is Nuclear Summer IV? Nuclear Summer IV is amazing. Nuclear Summer IV is our generation's Citizen Kane. Nuclear Summer IV is like a video bible, but for Strength Stallions. Anyway, no matter what I say, it really can't do this justice.
The only thing that I don't like, wait, no, the only thing I don't LOVE about this video is that it has been out for nearly four years and I am just finding out about it. Everything else is totally awesome. I mean, they could focus an entire episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia around Mac seeing this video for the first time. This is Mac's ideal, and let's face it, there is a little bit of Mac in all of us, so this is all of our ideals.

There is a lot to unpack here. The first standout moment comes just 9 seconds into the video where one guy starts throwing a 45 pound plate like a frisbee.
Now that's what I call Ultimate Frisbee.

Then it's time for these two bros to flex in their convertible, do a little headbanging, and shadowbox a camera. That's just what Buff Bros do.

After that, these guys show off their capoeira skillz. If you're not familiar with capoeira, it's basically the most hilarious martial art of all, as it's basically choreographed dance battles. Lots of flips and kicks, but the key is to work with the other people so they dodge as you kick. These fellas just do it out in the middle of a field, so maybe they are playing capoeira with a mosquito in the meadow. My favorite move of the sequence is when one guy just does a backwards somersault and throws up the devil horns like a true badass.

Then it goes into a gym lifting sequence, which I barely have time to touch on despite one guy doing dips so hard with chains around his neck that the chains knock the sunglasses off his face, and the other guy wears incredibly short shorts that he hikes up before doing a deadlift.

It goes back into the capoeira, and then goes into some general outdoor flexing, and they do all of this without any sense of shame or self-awareness.

At 1:55, the best thing in the entire video happens, as I nearly shit my pants the first time. Dude starts doing pullups, but that's not all, as he put blood caps in his mouth, so he starts having blood run out the side of his lips onto his chest.
Every time I think about this, I can't help but smile. I want to buy blood caps and just randomly bite down on them during a lift to freak everyone out. Imagine doing cable crossovers and blood just dripping from your mouth onto the floor in front of you. I just warn that you don't do it on bench, as you may choke and kill yourself, but every other lift, it should be wonderful and hilarious.

Note: If you want to step up your game even more, just wear a gas mask during your workout, and then have the blood pouring out of a gas mask at the gym. They might call 911 before you have a chance to rip off the mask and let the world know how awesome you are.

What is the only thing that could follow up blood caps and gas masks? You guessed it. Spoon tricks.
What a perfect ending. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to run through a wall. In fact, I am going to run through walls until I get to a gym to get my swoll on. Like the song says, IRONBOUND!

Nuclear Summer IV: I would call it the Quran for Cocksmen, but Muhammad never inspired like this.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Rick Rude Is The Most Underrated Wrestler In History

Everybody remembers Rick Rude, but I'm not sure people remember how great Rick Rude was. I'm honestly not sure if there was a better heel during his era, as it was impossible to cheer for Rick Rude. He was better than everybody else, and there was nothing more that he loved to do than shove that fact right down their throats. Still, he is not remembered for being as great as he was, and now that Macho Man is in, Rick Rude is definitely the most deserving person to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

The guy had it all. Rick Rude was amazing on the mic. In his debut match, he set the tone for what his schtick would be:

Sweathogs is an insult that is not used nearly enough. It elaborates enough on a simple pig comment by not only saying you look like a hog which takes care of fat and ugly, but you both look and smell disgusting with the sweat added in. Underrated in this clip is Vince McMahon commenting on Rude as he disrobes, "Well, pretty good abs, traps not too bad," and then the camera flashes to a fat kid, and McMahon gets completely flustered. It's all perfect.

And then, after his match, he kisses a woman so passionately that she faints from the experience. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...I would have like 25 cents, although I think the girls may have just pretended to pass out to prevent any funny business. Either way, I'm a helluva kisser. Underrated part of after the match is that Rick Rude would then stand over the woman and gyrate his hips. I really should have tried that maneuver to show the ladies that I'm a bonafide stud.

But it wasn't just on the mic that Rude was a stud, as he could flat out wrestle. He succeeded in WWE, WCW, and in Japan while excelling in every style. This man could not only have great matches with other great wrestlers; he managed to not only get a good match but good matches out of the Ultimate Warrior.

That alone should be enough to make him a Hall of Famer. And the guy was a heel through and through. Rude used to just flex his ass in the middle of the ring or gyrate his hips and get boos rained down on him. He was a total heel in that every bit of his offense made you think this was a bad guy. It was full of headlocks and sleepers and punches to the gut. That slow offense makes it impossible to cheer for a guy. But even when he would add some flash and hold suplexes, there was always that little bit of him showing off that made people hate him.

Oh yeah, and the man loved to show ass. There is nobody in history that got depantsed more than Rude.

And although he never became World Champion in the WWE, he did manage to do it in the WCW.

He not only beat Flair for the title, but he also managed to make out with one of Flair's many different women. As far as I know, he may be the only guy who can claim the latter. He had an incredible career where he not only managed to look great, but he always made his opponents look great as well. After finally becoming a World Champion, he actually never lost the title. Unfortunately, he injured his back in a freak accident in a match against Sting in Japan and was forced to retire. But Rick Rude was pure money both in and out of the ring.

That being said, had he just gone to the ring in his custom made tights, he still would probably be one of my 20 favorite wrestlers of all time. Here are the top five things that Rick Rude had airbrushed on the front of his tights:
5. His Face
It's an incredibly great way to peacock. I mean, if Mystery is armed with a top hat and a boa, you're going to blow him out of the water with custom made tights with your face on the front. A great pickup gambit would be asking a girl to kiss you on your airbrushed lips.

4. Championship Belt
Since you can't wear your title belt at all times, it is best to just airbrush it on there to let the ladies know that anytime you put on your pants, you're a champion. They'll learn later that when you take off your pants, you're even more of a champion.

3. Regis and Kathie Lee's Faces

Yep, just Rick Rude making a woman pass out from the passion of his kiss, and then showing off Kathie Lee's airbrushed face on his front side, while using his backside to make Regis animated when he flexed his ass. This is a very boss maneuver for whenever you are invited on to a talk show, and I think more people should follow Rick Rude's lead.

2. His Opponent's Face
I mean, how demeaning is that? Just your face is right on his dick. That has to be one of the most alpha maneuvers anyone can possibly pull off.

1. His Opponent's Wife's Face
This is the most alpha maneuver. His opponent had a woman? Yeah, Rick Rude's going to put that woman's face right over his dick. Imagine somebody doing that to you. If somebody put my wife's face on their pants, I'd have no choice but to fight them. Like, I couldn't just let them keep wearing those pants. But man, if I saw somebody doing that to somebody else's wife, I would applaud that dude for the gumption. Basically, I am just saying that this is one of the greatest heel maneuvers ever, and I really want a wrestler to bring it back.

After his wrestling days were over due to a back injury, he still had one of the most memorable moments of the Monday Night Wars when he showed up on both shows at the exact same time. Since Raw was pretaped every other week, Rude was there for the taping, but his contract ended and he showed up on a live episode of Monday Nitro.

Yeah, if this isn't 100% the reason that Rude isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame, then it is at least 99% of the reason. He not only screwed over WWE, but then he buried them on their competitor's show. A couple years after this, Rick Rude died at the age of 40 from heart failure. He was a wrestler in the 80s and 90s, so he undoubtedly lived a hard life, but one that still ended far too soon.

Basically, if I was going to be a pro wrestler, I would want to be Rick Rude. Great look, great mustache, and could live like a heel in every aspect of life. Rick Rude's one of the greatest wrestlers of all-time; he's criminally underrated, and WWE needs to put him in the Hall of Fame immediately. It's long overdue for an all-time great.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Genius: Not Just Macho Man's Brother

The Genius is a wrestler where many fans remember the character but forget the details that made him great. Part of this is that The Genius, Lanny Poffo, was the brother of Macho Man Randy Savage (or Randy Poffo if you need the real name). Still, The Genius was not just Macho Man's brother. He was actually super entertaining and came up with some incredibly memorable promos where he truly personified his gimmick. I must also admit that I have an affinity for any outrageously arrogant wrestler, as I tend to most identify with those guys.

I mean, just look at his very first promo.

There is so much gold in this that it is hard to unwrap it all. Obviously, all of the rhyming is incredible, but he manages to use four different languages during it while still keeping it coherent enough for the mouth-breathing WWE fans. This is the guy's first promo, and there is not a wrestling fan out there that wouldn't have thought he was great, or had the exact opposite feeling and wanted his teeth rammed down his throat. I haven't even mentioned that cunning is a word that we should all use a little bit more.

As great as that was, just imagine using the first half of his second promo as a pickup line.

"Behold the world's smartest man, so masculine and proud.
The epitome of genius, amazingly endowed."

I mean, right at this point, you're going to have the bartenders busting out mops to clean up the floors, but just in case there are some other issues, you can continue.

"A one man wrestling (may want to replace this word with studly or hunky) renaissance, just let your heart rejoice.
And bathe in all the luxury, of my poetic voice."

At this point, the girl may have her shirt off and is probably trying to get after your goodies as you have made her made with ecstasy.

So, yeah, The Genius was amazing, and this is only looking at his career before he even debuted in a WWE ring. Once he did that, he was solid, and, oh yeah, beat the most unbeatable wrestler in the history of wrestling, 1980s Hulk Hogan.

The Genius wasn't the greatest wrestler in the ring, but he was pretty entertaining as a shitheel, just an effeminate bad guy who thought his brains were more important than brawn. He was a total coward and totally wonderful. Although he had a victory over Hulk Hogan. After Hogan's feud with Mr. Perfect ended, he kind of faded away, when he should have had a run as a heel in the Intercontinental Title picture. He at least deserved a little more push.

If The Genius was friends with Hulk Hogan instead of Macho Man's brother, he would have had a 20 year career. Part of that stretch would have included a run in the Dungeon of Doom and also a period of tagging with Horace Boulder, but it still pays pretty well.

Lanny Poffo will mostly be remembered as Randy's brother, but he was pretty great in his own way, and it doesn't take a genius to see that.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Adam Bomb Should Have Been More

How was Adam Bomb not a bigger deal? He was a big dude who could believably crush people, and yet he never really got any sort of push into a title picture. Instead, he just kind of existed.

The dude was huge, jacked, and he had cool sunglasses. I mean, is that name stupid? Objectively, yes, it is an awful name and it is impossible to deny the stupidity. So, yes, it was stupid...stupid awesome. Think about it as if you were a child. His last name was Bomb. This guy should have had sold a shit-ton of merchandise.

Could he talk? Not really, but most big guys aren't that great of talkers and managers were still a normal thing to pair with a big guy who wasn't quite polished yet. He started off with Johnny Polo, but Polo dumped him on Harvey Wippleman to focus on the Quebecers. Harvey Wippleman dumped him so he could manage Kwang, who was best known as being a secret character in the video game WWF Raw for the 32X (I got a 32X like three years after it came out for ten bucks and that game for another 5. I would say I got my $15 out of the investment, but nothing more).

After that, he kind of became a good guy, but people stopped caring, and it didn't help that he would do a pose and the WWE would shoot up green smoke behind him, which made his Adam Bomb look like he just farted. Considering he would be released a few months later, it was kind of a fitting image.

That's where Adam Bomb effectively died. He became Wrath in WCW, but then went by his real name of Bryan Clark to tag with Brian Adams as KroniK. They won the tag titles a couple times, but it was during the Vince Russo era, so it doesn't really count as success at that point. He had a brief cup of coffee in the WWE, but injuries quickly ended that run, and after bouncing around in independents and Japan, he retired in 2003.

It's pretty clear that Adam Bomb wasn't destined to carry a company, but it seems like he could have done more. In an era when guys like Marty Jannetty, Ahmed Johnson, and Marc Mero became Intercontinental Champions, it sure seems like Adam Bomb could have been more. Adam Bomb should have been more. 

Monday, June 15, 2015

I Feel Like an Old Asshole When I Shop

I am not a big fan of shopping. Old clothes are plenty fine with me. I never buy t-shirts, as I depend on getting them free or as a gift from large purchases on Bodybuilding.com. Up until this past weekend, I haven't bought a new pair of jeans since college. That was a decade ago. I have made my life as free of shopping as possible.

Still, there are certain things that I do need to get. At the top of that list is gym shorts. You can't have too many gym shorts, as one pair in every color seems like a worthwhile goal. And I ain't talking about no 8-Crayon pack of colors, I want to go at least 96. I am nowhere near this goal, but I am always on the lookout to add to my collection.

The only other thing I try to purchase are dress clothes. Looking fresh is simply what I do, but obviously, dress clothes are not nearly as important as gym shorts, so I have far less options.

At the mall, I can literally go to JC Penney and nothing else. I mean, am I really going to purchase anything at Hot Topic? No, and just stepping in the store would make me feel like a gigantic asshole. And stores like Abercrombie, Aeropostale, and American Eagle, I'm 90% positive that I am too old to be stepping in those stores and buying clothes among the teeny boppers that hang out there. Where do people like me shop? Outside of JC Penney, I'm not sure. Like, do I go into Eddie Bauer and get myself some khakis? That sounds a helluva lot more reasonable than getting me a skin-tight polo with a goddamned moose on it, yet I see people my age doing the latter far more than the former.

Since I am a cheap bastard (not literally), and a regular mall is not built for a man like me, I went to the next best thing, an outlet mall. Although I was able to get some gym and board shorts, I also had to waste a lot of time as my wife and I went together. She, like most ladies, is a much better shopper than her other half. This gave me a lot of time to waste, so I tried to go into stores that I thought cool people might purchase things at.

I went into an Oakley store, but I am far more likely to wear a pair of sunglasses that I randomly find than spending over $5 on a pair. Why do I need cool looking sunglasses? Yes, I live in a place where the sun shines year round, but who am I going to impress? It's not like my wife is going to be so turned on by my sunglasses game that she will find me irresistible. If she cared about things like that, we probably wouldn't be married.

I tried to go to stores like Guess and Tommy Hilfiger, figuring that is what adults wear. Well, I may be an adult, but even the outlet stores were laughably expensive for the crap they were selling. The worst was going in the Hanes store. I saw a cutout of Michael Jordan and figured I might be able to find some inexpensive boxer briefs. I walked in the store, and it was nothing but ladies' stuff. I looked around, saw no dude stuff in sight and slowly backed out of there, trying to get away before some lady yelled pervert at me.

Basically, I feel as if I am stuck in the middle. I'm too old for stores with college students, and I'm too young for Sears. It probably doesn't help that I don't like stuff, so I rarely have a reason to go to malls. But until I can get ideal gym shorts on Amazon, I am stuck venturing out and feeling like an asshole. I now know what Jesus felt like; this is my cross to bear.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Ric Flair's Two Girlfriends

The mid-90s were a great time for pro wrestling. It's when the nWo was formed, WCW started acquiring all the best wrestling talent from around the world, and the WWE had...well, it took a while for the WWE, late 90s was more their jam, but they did give us Sunny, who was probably the most jerked-off-to woman of that era...I'm just guessing. Anyway, one of my favorite angles from this era was Ric Flair's two girlfriends.

When Ric Flair reformed the Horsemen, he knew he needed some arm candy, so he recruited Woman to help manage the crew. But one Woman was not enough. Flair began a feud with Randy Savage, where Miss Elizabeth made her return to help out The Macho Man. Or so we thought. It turned out that Miss Elizabeth was actually working for Ric Flair. Ric Flair now not only had one girlfriend to help him out, he now had two girlfriends.

Ric Flair would randomly wander out during the middle of a match on Nitro with a lady on each arm. He set up a VIP section with fine food and champagne that he would take both Woman and Miss Elizabeth to. This whole angle was the fact that Ric Flair was so rich and such a great lover that he could handle two women, and they were both happy to be with him. Not only that, but Miss Elizabeth paid for everything with Macho Man's money.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Wow, two women, there is no way he would pursue a third woman." Haha, maybe you wouldn't pursue a third woman, but if you're spending your time reading this, you are certainly no Nature Boy. While he was with these women, he was also working on seducing Steve "Mongo" McMichael's wife, Debra, and the ladies were also cool with that. Nature Boy gonna Naitch, and the ladies knew what they were getting into.

Basically, the whole point of this post is to remind you that Ric Flair's entire gimmick was that he was a rich guy who was really good at fucking. God bless you, Ric Flair.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I Miss The Steroid Era - Everything Great About 1998

There is a lot of vitriol aimed towards the late 90s and early 00s baseball years. It is referred to as the Steroid Era, and sports writers (the most honest and honorable people in the world, if you didn't know) just can't believe that players would use drugs that enhance their performance. There was no testing for things like that, so it wasn't really against the rules, but they like, shouldn't have done it, because it's bad. Anyway, I could go into an hour long diatribe about steroids, but instead, I just want to state that I love the Steroid Era. That baseball was awesome. No year better exemplifies the awesomeness of the era than 1998. I will always remember that year fondly, but it truly is amazing all of the awesome things that happened in 98.

The Sosa-McGwire home run chase was undoubtedly the most exciting thing that has happened in baseball during my lifetime. Everybody loved baseball at the time due to those two players. Sure there was steroid use, but the baseballs in play likely had way more to do with the home runs than any PEDs. The whole nation was following two guys playing in the Midwest, because it was that totally awesome.And it's not like we didn't know about steroids. I remember making fun of Cardinals fans for McGwire using androstenedione. It was right there in his locker, but nobody gave a shit and life was grand. 

But that's not all that was great about 1998. There were all of these awesome things as well.

It wasn't just McGwire and Sosa. Ken Griffey Jr. hit 56 home runs. 1998 takes us to a time before Griffey was hurt every year, and that is a wonderful thing to remember. 

Kerry Wood struck out 20 dudes in a game and nearly had a no-hitter. This was the greatest pitching performance ever. Nobody will ever touch it in my mind. Wood made baseballs do things that physics should not allow. And he did all of this while not even being old enough to drink. God, I hate injuries so much, but in 1998, I barely even knew they existed.

Rod Beck was the Cubs Closer. This was not only fun for Cubs fans; it was fun for all fans. Rod Beck made sure to make every game close no matter what the lead. The Cubs could be up by 3 runs, and Beck would give up two runs, have the bases loaded with no out, and then get a strike out and a double play and act like it was his plan the whole time. Rod Beck was stupid fun.

Greg, not Mo, but Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs. He only had 18 the year before. Good for him at becoming 2.5 times better at offense at age 32.

Oh, speaking of a surprising late career power spike, there is no way I can make it through this without mentioning Toronto Blue Jays legend, Jose Canseco, who hit 46 bombs about ten years past his prime. Anytime you bring up a baseball season and have a reason to bring up Jose Canseco, you know it's a good year.

Albert Belle hit 49 home runs, which I actually feel is totally legitimate. What is more impressive is that he played in 163 games. He isn't Mr. 24/7, he's Mr. 25/8. 

Glenallen Hill. Just that he existed is amazing. I love Glenallen Hill WAY too much.

Rickey Henderson was still leading the league in stolen bases, with 66. If Rickey were somehow still playing in his 50s today, he'd probably finish in the top 10 in stolen bases and have an above average on base percentage. Never underestimate Rickey.

Derek Jeter edged Tony Womack for most singles, 151 to 149. I loved Tony Womack. Scrappy, fast dudes were my jam in the late 90s. OBP didn't mean shit, and it was awesome.

Larry Walker led the league in batting average. You know who came in 2nd? John Olerud, and if you don't smile thinking of John Olerud wearing a batting helmet in the field, something is wrong with you. John Olerud was totally tubular.

Barry Bonds was in what should have been his prime, finished fourth in WAR but not in the top-10 in home runs. Let me just say that Barry Bonds was amazing, even before anyone ever questioned whether he was all natural. Do you need proof? I think I might be able to provide that.

Mark McGwire hit 33 more home runs than Barry Bonds, but Bonds still drew more intentional walks that year, because Barry Bonds is a goddamned national treasure.

It was Pedro Martinez's first year in Boston, and he put up the 7th best ERA in baseball, just behind Omar Daal. You could say that Omar Daal was dealing that year, but really, he was more Daaling than anything else.

Ben Grieve was the AL Rookie of the Year. I was a HUGE Ben Grieve believer (A BeGriever?). That obviously didn't turn out to great, but I had no doubt he'd hit 500 homers in his career after 1998. 

El Duque made his debut, which helped me learn that all Cubans are great at baseball, a lesson that actual baseball teams just learned, like, in the last 18 months.

Mike Caruso came 3rd in AL Rookie of the Year voting. I do not remember this guy AT ALL. He played another full year in 99, and then only got 21 more plate appearances in 2002. I bet Mike Caruso fucking loves talking about 1998.

Honestly, that 1998 Cubs team was my favorite team of all time. I should write about it every year, because it made me feel feelings. Reliving that year brings me incredible joy and also takes me back to when I had tears in my eyes after the evil, big money, Atlanta Braves, swept the lovable, scrappy, Chicago Cubs in three games. Everybody remembers the big names, but I would like to point out that Brant Brown slugged over .500 that year, and Gary Gaetti had a line of .320/.397/.594. Yep, Gary Gaetti hit over .300 and slugged nearly .600 at age 39 after being traded to the Cubs at the deadline. God, 1998 was awesome.

Still, some people try to shit on that year, because "Durrr, steroids," but those people are idiots. I will always love that 1998 season, and my larger point is that you shouldn't worry when people shit on something you love. It's not something to be embarrassed about, because you shouldn't let people take away great times and fond memories. On a related note, my first concert (which was probably a couple years earlier than 1998) was Weird Al Yankovic. I used to be embarrassed by this, but fuck that. Weird Al is awesome, and he put on a hell of a show that I guarantee I would still enjoy today. 

So love what you love, don't worry about what others think, because nostalgia is the one thing that never gets old.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Tatanka Was The WWE Superstar Made For Kids

When Tatanka debuted, he was my jam. I loved Tatanka. Like, he may have been my favorite wrestler when he first came on the scene. That statement sounds insane, but looking back on that era, it really is not surprising at all. It was right around the steroid scandal, so Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior weren't around. Macho Man was more of an announcer than a wrestler, but even then, Macho Man appealed to adults more than he ever appealed to kids. Although I thought Sting was cool, I was a WWE kid, so my other options for a favorite wrestler included Lex Luger, Bret Hart, and...I don't know, Doink, I guess?

So I was a huge mark for Tatanka. He was honestly built to be a child's favorite superstar. He had some face paint, what I thought was a cool haircut, a super annoying scream that was incredibly fun to yell as a child (I'm positive that I did it thousands of times, and if I brought it up with my siblings or parents, they would likely respond with a groan), and most importantly, he psyched up when he was getting beat down. The psych up was the greatest thing from wrestling's past, because now wrestling crowds are too cynical for it to work, but seriously, there is nothing that appeals to a child more than reaching that level of invincibility.

On top of all of that, it took forever for Tatanka to lose a match. It was really easy to love Tatanka. Tatanka was a great gimmick, as it gave a kid like me everything I wanted in a pro wrestler. Looking back, he was not as great as I remember. He left a lot to be desired in the ring and never truly impressed outside of the ring either. But that's me looking at him as an adult. As a child, I can totally see why I loved the guy. It's a guy like Tatanka that makes me look back fondly at simpler times when I could just enjoy the most basic aspects of sports entertainment. So Tatanka, this one's for you...


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Comparing "The Model" Rick Martel and Tyler Breeze

Tyler Breeze is one of the most consistently entertaining parts of NXT, and that's saying something considering that NXT is super entertaining week in and week out. The easiest comparison is to Derek Zoolander as he sometimes slips into the accent and personality of Zoolander a little too much for his model gimmick. Still, I think it is far more interesting to look at the original male model of the WWE, "The Model" Rick Martel. I will do this by looking at charisma and in-ring ability, but since these men are models, it is only fair to also judge their overall presentation.

NXT does a great job of developing characters, and Tyler Breeze is no exception, as he, much like his predecessor, is disgusted by uggos.

It's subtle, but it's wonderful. This is a man who hates playing games, and you could literally say anything to Breeze and he would come back with a lightning quick rebuttal. Still, he is still refining his character, so it can get a little rough around the edges when he goes too far into Zoolander mode.

Meanwhile, Rick Martel was not just a run-of-the-mill model. The man had his own cologne, which is really tough to beat.

Not only does he imply that using Arrogance for Men works like Viagra and will help you make love to members of the royal family, but he also nails it with the line of, "Put the brakes on the mundane, and accelerate into the fast lane." Why the Fast and Furious franchise has not ever used that line is beyond me.
Advantage: Rick Martel

In the Ring
Outside of Mojo Rawley, basically every wrestler today is better than the guys from 20 years ago. That being said, Breeze has been involved in some great matches down on NXT, and although Martel had some solid matches with Jake Roberts, he never really stood out. He was solid, but Breeze is already good and could become better.
Advantage: Tyler Breeze

This is really what gives Breeze the true edge. Tyler Breeze is in good shape and has very flashy clothing. Rick Martel had what amounted to flashy clothing back in the day, as he had pink and purple trunks, which is about as flashy as the 90s got. Unfortunately, Martel let himself go and looked out of shape towards the end of his WWE run. Unless, he was planning a gimmick change to "The Hand Model" Rick Martel, he simply can't compete with the gorgeous one.
Advantage: Tyler Breeze

Although it's close, this is a case of the new improving on the old. The original model, Rick Martel, flashed brilliance, but Tyler Breeze's career outlook appears to be simply gorgeous.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Why I No Longer Care What I Look Like In Pictures

I am a person that is somewhat (totally) consumed by my own vanity. I am well aware of this, as it has been this way for quite a while. I like looking at me, and it's a big reason why I stay in shape, although in most public situations, I will cite the variety of health benefits associated with working out. In reality, it's all about looking good.

Despite this, I have stopped caring about what I look like in pictures. I am a very logical person, and logically, it made sense that I should want to look good in pictures as it presented myself in the most attractive way possible. I knew ladies were judging me by my Facebook pictures, because I know I was judging them on their Facebook pictures (It's easier if I can assume everyone is as shallow as me).

But now I'm married. I no longer need to attract ladies. That is why I don't really care what I look like in pictures. My wife makes me take pictures with her, and she gives me the courtesy of seeing if I like how I appear, but it really doesn't matter. If I look good, that's nice, but I honestly prefer looking poor in pictures. If my wife looks great, and I look like shit, people will just assume I have mad game, and that's way better than just being a normal, attractive dude with an attractive wife.

Now, that being said, my wife better look good, as she is a reflection of me. If she looks like shit, it makes me look like shit, so she needs to have her shit together. But honey, if you're reading this, you always look great, and I love you so much.

So I'm totally cool with pictures now. Got a zit? Who cares? One eye is halfway open and it looks like I'm having a stroke? I'm good. Wing sauce all over my face, because I'm a 30-year-old who eats like a baby? No problem. Outside of having love and affection from a person who genuinely cares for you, not caring what I look like in pictures may be my second favorite part of marriage.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Who Will Win the 2015 NBA Finals?

The Cavs are set to take on the Warriors in the NBA Finals, and people are wondering whether LeBron can do it again and lead a team to a championship. He has been incredible in these playoffs, and the Cavs dispatched every Eastern Conference foe that got in their way with little resistance. The Warriors did basically the same thing to the Western Conference, so it appears that there are two titans ready to square off for the title. There's just one problem with that. The Eastern Conference was terrible this year, and the Warriors, if healthy, are going to steamroll the Cavaliers.

Now, this isn't a knock on LeBron James. He's still the best basketball player in the world (and I guess I must also say that this statement is not a knock on Steph Curry), as there is no one better at taking over games and physically dominating his opponents. As great as LeBron is, this team still wasn't good enough to have the best record in the East. They beat the Celtics easily, and were able to polish off the Bulls after having troubles early on. They looked impressive against the Hawks, but the Hawks didn't had injuries stacked up and clearly ran out of gas towards the end of the regular season.

Still, it has not just been LeBron who has done well in these playoffs. The supporting cast has played surprisingly well. As a Bulls fan, it seriously angered me how many rebounds Tristan Thompson had and how JR Smith seemed to never miss a shot. And don't get me started on Dellavedova. But just looking at these rosters, does anybody see a single advantage for the Cavs outside of LeBron? These Cavs are not the Miami Heat of the past four seasons. Kyrie is not on Dwyane Wade's level, and Cleveland has nobody even worth comparing to Chris Bosh.

Yet everyone seems to think this will be a competitive series. LeBron may be the best player in the NBA, but it seems safe to say that the current MVP, Steph Curry, is at least in the top-5. But LeBron is flanked by Kyrie and a bunch of solid but not impactful role players. I mean, if you were ranking the players in this series, how many Warriors would you list before you got to the third Cavs player? I think most people would list Klay, Draymond, Barnes, Bogut, and Iguodola. Maybe even Shaun Livingston. That is just too big of a talent gap for LeBron and even a 100% healthy Kyrie to make up for.

Let's look at it this way. Do you really think the Cavaliers would have gotten past the Memphis Grizzlies? They would have pounded the Cavaliers into submission. They nearly did it to the Warriors, but the Warriors had more talent, so they were able to eventually figure things out.

And that's the way I see this series going. Even if the Cavaliers start out looking good, the Warriors have way more talent, and they have a coaching staff who eventually figures things out. The Klay Thompson concussion is a big concern, but if he is healthy, there is no way the Warriors lose this series.

Prediction: Warriors by Gentleman's Sweep